Tweets from Cassandra Widdershin's Blood Lion

Are We There Yet?

Wednesday, August 30, 2023

And If So, As Uncle Vinnie Price So Often Asked: “What Place Is This?"It appears that I have been a little too optimistic about catastrophic supply-side planation economics-caused climate change, which is currently on pace to wipe out a significant portion of meaningless life on Earth within a decade,...

I Apologize For My Recent Absence From These Cave Walls

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

I Was Suffering From FOMO & Thinking That Elon’s Tender Titter Reinstatement Or The Plantation Economy’s Slovenly Substack Could Feed My Troglodyte JonesBut I was wrong, as usual. 
It’s my job to write the wrongs. I invented Critical Rapist Theory.
I don’t mind being wrong. Nobody’s life depends...

Americans Proud Of Their Stupidity

Thursday, March 23, 2023

There’s Nothing In The Ten Commandments Or The Constitution That Says Anyone Needs To Be Smart To Pass Gas Through The Eye Of A NeedleThat’s why I’ll always aspire to becoming a master o' farts.
If you smell me coming you better step aside...

He Gets Us PAC Touts Record Tithing

Thursday, February 16, 2023

We’ll Make America A Great Christian Country Again Real Soon NowThe antiquity trafficking sponsored non-profit also admits that in the months prior to its $100 million dollar Superbowl ad campaign, which featured binary black and white images of proudly ignorant, downtrodden, and hateful Americans...

Brian Walshe Searched Google On How To Become A Repugnicunt

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Contingency Planning Is Crucial To Staying In The Game In Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks#MAGA

George DeSantos (R-Word, NY) Promises To Resign...

Sunday, January 15, 2023

…Once Every One Of The 142,000 George DeSantoses Who Voted For Me Shows Their IDs“I worked as a bouncer at a gay bar owned by the Rev. Dr. Rodney Luther King & his wife Baretta during its reconstruction, so I know how to spot a fake ID,” shouted the homeless drunk wearing the “I’m the stupid they’re...

Is There No One To Nominate That Meddlesome George DeSantos For Transexual Jew-ish Spritzer Of The House?

Friday, January 6, 2023

It Seems Like A Perfect Opportunity For The God Of You Choice To Weigh In On Whether Democracy Has Become So Messy Our Nation Of Miswrble Fucks Has Run Out Of Pooper Scoopers To Deal With ItSeems like #YoMama likes her some #ExistentialTrickQuestions presented on the torturous tip of God’s #TerribleSwiftianSword.

George DeSantos Nominates Gabrito Pussolini To Be House Speaker

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

“We Need New Leadership,” Lying Criminal Asshole Proclaims
“We must take back our country from the woke mob that refuses to accept our realities,” newly-seated New York representative “Lonesome” George DeSantis posted to Truth Social during the fifth attempt by Kevin “Home Alone” McCarthy to replace...

Trump Invites Patriots Back To Capitol For Second Anniversary Observance Of Ashli Boebert Martydom

Sunday, January 1, 2023

It Will Be Even Wilder! Reads Sign On Side Of #AltWhite Van Parked Outside Mar A LagoWhat?
You were expecting the obvious?
Isn’t that obvious?

Why Did The IRS Neglect To Audit Trump During His First Two Years In Office?

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

“He Told Us He Was Already Being Audited,” Says Unnamed AgentApparently former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Nazi DNA super-spreader Grabito Pussolini did such a good job lying about why he couldn’t release his tax returns before and after his election that even the IRS believed him,...

Someone Just Told Me Climate Change Is A Hoax

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

I Said “Maybe For You, Right Now, But Give It A Couple Of Months, Bitch…"Is our nation of miserable fucks so incapable of basic critical thinking that it is unable to grasp what is actually happening to it, itselves, and its ludicrous pronouns in real time?
If the planet is on course to being unfit...

And The Beast Plods On

Friday, December 9, 2022

The Beast Plods On

Hershel Walker Claims His Penis Was Kidnapped By Terrorists

Monday, December 5, 2022

How I Get All Them Ladies In The Pudding Club Wif No Penis? Candidate Asks Gay Interviewer With A Straight FaceWe are currently bracing for a well-earned attack by the GOP Grandma Nazis here at #PundyRaunch.
Good thing we still haven’t implemented a comment feature.

Old Rummy Reagan Prepared Nation of Miserable Fucks For Mourning In America

Sunday, December 4, 2022

I Told You SoReligious stupidity is an essential building block of #AmericanFamilyValues.
Don’t ever forget it.

Elon's Musk Too Much For Liberal Bitches

Monday, November 28, 2022

“I Ain’t No Uppity Incel!” Tweets World’s Richest DumbfuckGrimes would neither confirm nor deny what I just typed in opposition to the specious idea that the Second Amendment to the Bill of Whites to Americunt’s Constitution was an “unchallengeable observation of an asshole I used to think was almost...

Kari Lake Could Give Colin Jost A Real Run For His Money Over Who Has The More Punchable Face

Friday, November 18, 2022

But She’s Currently Trying To Out Grabito Grabito Pussolini Like You Wouldn’t BelieveI’m pretty sure Flannery O’Connor was gazing into the future when she created the grandmother in “A Good Man Is Hard To Find,” a role Kari seems destined to grow into if she whines long enough.
I can’t think of...

You Know Sometimes Among All These Old Law & Religion Books The really Good Stuff To Read Gets Lost

Saturday, November 12, 2022

Not That Everything You Read Is Really Worth A ShitMy favorite writers understood how worthless they are. Pound, Vonnegut, and Bukowski are the same soul sighing in disgust. Dostoevski, Camus, Garcia Marquez, all of them wrote as if their lives did not depend upon it because their lives didn’t matter. 

Grabito Pussolini Congratulates Hershel Walker On "Unbelievable Win"

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Suggests O. J. Simpson Be Walker's Vice-Senator In December Run-Off“This could be a campaign like no one has ever seen before, not even Frederick Douglas, who I still keep hearing about so many great things, and people tell me great things, because they know I know how to make great deals, which is...

Incels Claim Trannies Are Making Out Like Bandits

Sunday, November 6, 2022

"Vote Like The Supply Chain For Your Antibacterial Lubiderm Depends Upon It,” Says Steve BannonSurely I’m not the only itinerant cave painter in our nation of miserable fucks chuckling over the current mainstream Nazi media attempts to shove the #AltReich poop chutes across the goal line.

Which Reaganite Whiteys Are Behind Those Fear-Mongering Halloween Candy Myths?

Monday, October 31, 2022

Why Can’t I Paint All These GOP Nimrods With The Same Assholish Brushstrokes?#ExistentialTrickQuestions for you American Deceptionalists.

GOP Senate Candidate Herschel Walker Denies Accusation He Paid For Girlfriend's Abortion In 2009; Threatens Suit

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

She Signed A Non-Disclosure AgreementStaunch ally of all that is stupid in America, Georgia’s best GOP candidate for the Senate, Herschel Walker blasted reports that he paid for his former girlfriend’s abortion, threatening to sue the unnamed woman for breaking a non-disclosure agreement that “she...

Pussolini Calls NY AG Jigaboo James But AI Saves His Fat White Ass

Saturday, September 24, 2022

Hey, What Can I Say?What good is living if you can't call a spade a spade?
#TheTerribleSwiftianSword at #PundyRaunch

Hillary Clinton Volunteers For Special Master Review

Monday, September 12, 2022

It’s The Least I Can Do To Show My appreciation For The Rule Of Lawyers#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Trump Credits Another Perfect Phone Call For Judge Aileen Luce Cannon Decision

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

Repugnicunt Obstruction Expands To Include Judiciary#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

FBI Gearing Up To Raid Remaining Trump Properties Searching For Stolen Documents

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Foreign Governments Are Refusing To Return Secret Stuff He Sold Them Without Reimbursement“We paid top dollar for those secrets,” says attorney for Russian document collector, who alleged his client did not even get all the secrets he’d been promised during negotiations at Trump Tower.

Uneducated Pro-Trump Kochsuckers Blast Biden Loan Forgiveness Demanding Equal Rights For Antivax Illiterate Whites

Friday, August 26, 2022

We Bought Cars & Manufactured Homes Instead Of Some Uppity Education“If I had knowed four years ago that being stupid was trending among qualities that might land my ass in jail,” Harry Balzac admitted during his initial interrogation, “I might not have been as forthcoming with my opinions about what...

Nazi Kochsuckers Who Regularly Rig Elections Complain About Niggers, Spics, Kikes, LGBTQs, & Pataphysicians Refusing To Give Up

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

If God Meant For Democracy To Give The Heathens A Fair Shake, Why Did He Put Us In Charge? Palefaced Moderates Ask#ExistentialTrickQuestions

Trump's Legal Team Asks For 'Special Master' To Go Through Mar-A-Lago Evidence And Determine If Some Should Be Returned

Monday, August 22, 2022

Rule Of Lawyers Argue Failed Führer's Signature Is Worth Millions On Collector’s MarketThat supply-side plantation economy’s meat is sure hard to beat.

Sen. Lindsey Graham Granted Temporary Delay For Ga. Grand Jury Testimony

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Graham Undergoes Emergency Colonoscopy To Remove Foreign-Funded Election Interference Evidence From His Ample Buttocks“Whew,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Word, SC) after hearing that a Trump-appointed judge agreed to accept a small gratuity in exchange for postponeing his Tuesday testimony into attempts...

Uneducated American Shitheads Vow To Teach The Rest Of Us A Lesson

Thursday, August 18, 2022

This Land Belongs To Me And Trump's Good Buddies, Sings Woodenheaded GuthrieI never thought I’d live to see a planetary extinction marketed as a spectator sport for morons, but here we are, the fully predictable consequence of 40 years of Repugnicunt minority rule in support of a failed supply-side...

MAGAts Swarm FBI Offices After Raid On Mar A Lago To Free The Classified Nuclear Hostages

Sunday, August 14, 2022

You Can’t Treat Our Führer This Way, You Commie Rat Bastards!As the liberal media struggles to escape the perception of marginally sentient Americans that they are totally owned by former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & only president dumb enough to act as his own attorney in the court...

So Tell Me Again

Thursday, August 11, 2022

What’s So Bad About Living In Sin?

Why Is It Whenever A Civilization Is Suitably Warned Of Its Imminent Collapse That It Blames Barbarians At The Gate For Any Consequences It Dismisses As 'Alarmist?'

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

You Should Have Seen The Shit In The Dinosaur TimesHow stupid are you?
Do you believe in God?
Has He told you to do anything crazy lately in His name involving Democrats, antifa, or BLM?
How does He stand on whether twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & first scumbag to undeniably prove...

GOP & Former Failed Führer Call FBI Warrant A Witch Hunt

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

FBI Tells Nazis To “Go Listen To Billy The Mountain”
For those Nazis out there too dumb to use Google, here’s the song in all its uncommonly sensible glory.

I can’t wait to see the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & kind of loud lower class thug you grew up with who just happened...

Trump Promises To Make Kyle Rittenhouse Acting Head Of Homeland Security

Sunday, August 7, 2022

Once I’m Reinstated Things Are Going To Change Around HereClimate scientists have begun rooting for the end of the world, saying “I’d rather be dead than live among you stupid motherfuckers for minimum wage.”

Nazi News Media Accuses Xiphoid Nancy Of Goading China Into World War Whoopee!!!

Saturday, August 6, 2022

I Love WOTD More Than WordleToday’s word is xiphoid.
Consider it my gift to you.

EXCLUSIVE: Cassidy Hutchinson Stayed On Trump Payroll For 9 Weeks After He Left The White House, Government Records Show

Friday, August 5, 2022

Entire After-Tax Amount Was Contributed To SAVE America PACThe Department of Justice this morning could neither confirm nor deny a possible investigation into whether former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & only president to stock the White House powder rooms with Constitution-themed toilet...

Jizzlane Maxwell Moved To Mar A Lago Medium Security Prison

Sunday, July 31, 2022

Former President Converts Resort To Penal Colony
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & America’s answer to harnessing the widespread cognitive decline among the uneducated class, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini is working feverishly to ensure the reliable revenue stream required to keep his...

Wing Nut Blames Same-Sex Marriage For Husband Waving Penis Around

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

All This LGBTQ Vegan Nonsense Is Undermining Macholinity
Freshman Rep. Lorena Balzac-Boebert (R-Word, CO) joined conservative podcast cunt Sorry Charlie Kirk on Twitter yesterday to argue that “anyone anywhere demanding rights they haven’t had until now is a danger to the God-given constitutional...

NRA Retools Slogan In Innovative Indiana Mall Massacre Marketing Campaign

Monday, July 18, 2022

The Only Thing That Stops A Bad Young Hoodlum With A Gun Is A Slightly Older Good Samaritan With A Gun"It’s almost biblical in its simplicity,” Sylvia Plath told Wayne LaPierre at the pitch meeting. “Who could argue with the Bible? It’s right there in The Constitution. The Second Commandment and The...

Select Committee Issues Subpoena For Secret Service Records Relating To January 6 Capitol Attack

Saturday, July 16, 2022

Trump Calls It Conservative Presidential Harassment; Threatens Suit To Stop Release
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & only US president to lose the popular vote in two consecutive attempts to overthrow American democracy and repeal the Emancipation Proclamation, Donaldo Grabito...

Repugnicunts Demand Protection Under Endangered Ideologies Act

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

It’s In One Of Turdwaffle’s #AmericaFirst Executive OrdersAs the yellow journalists continue to predict “a complete and total bloodbath” for the Democrats in the November late-term elections, Tik Tok Teens have responded by promising to make the 2022 exercise in civic futility one that few of these...

I See Tylenol Is Trending On Twitter

Sunday, July 10, 2022

I Used To Publish As ‘The Tylenol Kid’I still have an Osama Bin Laden Facebook account. I was Timothy McVeigh after I inveigled a way to accidentally substitute Christine McVie during the Bush family execution to make life grand again. Here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat,...

Boris Johnson To Replace Turdwaffle & Son On Truth Social Board

Saturday, July 9, 2022

It’s Just Until This Dreadful Hullaboo Blows Over, Says Deflated Pompous Windbag
When former British Prime Minister, Boris The Spider Johnson (R-Word, International Edition) stepped down from his position earlier this week, he cryptically said it was “too spend more time with my spiritual family...

Then Go Home And Check Yourself

Thursday, July 7, 2022

You’ll Think He’s Singing About Someone ElseBut you’re plastic, people, and baby you’re still such a drag.

Flawed Oxygen Readings May Be Behind Covid-19’S Toll On People Of Color

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

And There’s Better Than Even Odds Systemic Racism In Healthcare Is Behind That HeadlineBut we’ll never know, will we? Because free access to information belongs to those who still own you.
Welcome to our supply-side plantation economy, chattel & chattelettes.

Happy Forts of July

Monday, July 4, 2022

Body Armor Optional#OnWithTheBodyCount

Trump Says Hutchinson Testimony Explains Missing Presidential Gifts

Friday, July 1, 2022

They Are No Longer In My Possession So Talk To My Agent; The White House Is Insured By Social SecurityTwice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & some random rich white asshole pre-teen bully who grew up to be president, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini (R-Word, Emeritus) took a break from panic Truthing...

Texas To Consider Making SCOTUS Roe Decision Retroactive To 1973

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

God Is Obviously On Our Side, Gov Bud Abbott Tells Frothing SupportersCiting Associate Justice Sam The Sham Alito’s argument that Roe should never have existed to begin with, Gov Bud Abbott (R-Word, TX) told a jubilant throng of Christian busybodies that “Texas may very well decide that every abortion...

Boebert Wrongly Claims Gatling Guns Existed When Second Amendment Written

Monday, June 27, 2022

Says The Tommy Gun Was Named For Jefferson
Freshman Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) appeared on Capitol Report over the weekend to call President Biden a liar for saying “good hard-working patriotic Americans” weren’t able to purchase RPGs, attack helicopters, or automatic weapons at the time the...

Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Colin Kaepernick

Monday, June 27, 2022

Should Not Have Been Fired For Taking A Knee In Deference To “Shit-Hole God”Writing for the Nazi majority, Dissociative Justice Clarence “Pube Boy” Thomas ruled in favor of a former star NFL quarterback who lost his job & was blacklisted by the league after former twice-impeached Unindicted Cco-conspirator...

Claim: White American Lawmakers Among Dumbest Lifeforms On Planet

Sunday, June 26, 2022

Fact Check By The Law Of AveragesIn recent weeks, The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat (PPOCLL) has received numerous anonymous debt-threats over our position that white does not make right and that the abject failure of America’s repatriation of 976 breeding pairs of European...

Fresh Off Their Supreme Court Forced Labor For Reluctant Mothers Victory, Nazis Set Sites On Outlawing Anything They Don't Like At The State Level

Saturday, June 25, 2022

#IToldYouSoI have good news and bad news about the current state of our nation of miserable fucks. In keeping our great white tradition of not fixing anything until it kills us, I’ll start with the bqd news.
Pigfuckers are never satisfied until they have fucked up the world for every last non-believer...

Nobel Sold For Ukrainian Kids Shatters Record At $103.5M

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Anonymous Bidder Dies In Gruesome Golf Course AccidentFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the best Hitler we can afford these days, Donald J. Grabito Pussolini, issued a preemptive denial on Trump Social of his involvement in the “tragic accident with unfortunate loss of life, liberty,...

Will Donald Trump face John Adams justice or Frank Zappa justice?

Monday, June 20, 2022

That Was Another Actual Headline
The entire bit about Zappa in the post was is quote: “America is a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced.”

Read the entire clickturbait tale here.

Juneteenth Is At Risk Of Losing Its Meaning

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Trump Solicits Funds For Proposed Juneteenth Golf Tournament In Conjunction With Saudi Our LIVs Matter FoundationSeriously?
You're expecting what, exactly?

Boebert Denies Being Hooker

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Vows To Sue American Muckrakers For Exposé
GOP freshman congresswoman Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) vowed to take action against an antifa-aligned PAC she claims made “false and obligatory” revelations about her time as an polish dancer at an NRA-themed strip club.
Boebert, whose birth mother is...

Judge J. Michael Luttig Declares America Is At War Against Nazi Tendencies

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Rejects Calls For Arms Embargo To Cut Off Supplies To Insurrectionist MilitiasFormer federal circuit judge J. Michael Luttig (R-Word, retired) was nominated to the bench by George “Thousand Points Of White” Bush. He testified today before the January 6 Select Committee investigation into the failed...

Several Potential School Shooters Shot Before They Could Buy Guns

Monday, June 13, 2022

We’ve Heard The Concerns For Parental Rights After UvaldeThe liberal mainstream right-wing media is trying to avoid investigating reports of multiple shootings of unarmed persons of undetermined gender who happened to be within bullet-piercing range of a public education setting by police or private...

What's The Superlative Beyond Dumb, Dumber, & Dumbest?

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Is It American?#ExistentialTrickQuestions

It's About Your Stupidity, Stupid

Monday, June 6, 2022

Somebody Has To Say ItIt’s clear that if there is a God, He has one sick sense of humor seeing as He created this heavily-armed & sanctimonious suicidal nation of miserable fucks.
Consider yourself told so once again, in case your brain is too soft to remember how many times #IToldYouSo over the...

Jury Calls Durham Case Pure Bull

Friday, June 3, 2022

40 Year Effort To Get Hillary Clinton Ends With Pathetic Whimpering From Feckless Right Wing Noise Machine#IToldYouSo
Need I say more?

Monica Lewinsky Says Everyone Is Guilty In Johnny Depp's Misheard Trial

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

Suggests She’d Sue Andy Warhol For Misrepresentation If He Wasn’t Dead“It’s amazing how long 15 minutes of fame can last,” former White House intern and handbag entremanure, Monica Lewinsky, told Vanity Fair after a jury of the peerage in Virginia, of all places, decided that both so-called actors,...

Lorena Boebert: 'When 9/11 Happened, We Didn't Didn't Ban The TSA"

Saturday, May 28, 2022

But Progressives Still Want To Defungible Our Hero CopsRep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) was forced to tweet her opposition to the Uvalde “liberal kneejerk reaction to the GOP,” after her Truth Social (TS) account was temporarily suspended for “hateful conduct,” which a spokesnerd at TS attributed to...

On With The Second Amendment Body Count

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Imagine If There Was Some Way To Regulate Who Gets To Engage In A Mass ShootingMaybe make it a requirement for gun ownership that only people who admit they would have no problem blowing away an elementary school to protect kids from Critical Race Theory and the gays to purchase weapons of mass destruction.

Megyn Kelly Rips Media For Blaming Tucker Carlson For Buffalo Shooting

Thursday, May 19, 2022

Denialist Racist Podcaster Says She Deserves More CreditNoting that she’s been denigrating black people since “before Tucker stopped wearing his bow tie,” Megyn “Bloody Sunday” Kelly jumped to the defense of Putin apologist and her former Fox News colleague Tucker Carlson (R-Word, at large) this morning,...

Madison Cawthorn Loses His Ass In Congress After 2 Years Of Fucking Around In Elected Orifice

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

You Won’t Have This Helms On Wheels To Kick Around AnymoreAshli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word,NC), the youngest dumb flaccid member of Congress, whose brief tenure replacing former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini’s insurrectionist chief of staff Easy Mark Meadows was marked...

'Completely Unfair': Marjorie Taylor Greene Complains About Reputation For Being 'Unintelligent'

Monday, May 16, 2022

I Have A Lot Of Other Things Going For Me Besides Being Stupid Marjoe WhinesRep Marjoe Faylure Gumpreene (R-Word, GA) pinned the blame on the “donkey media” this week for tricking ordinary people into “thinking that I am angry or or violent or crazy or anti-intellirazzi because of a few gaffes in my...

God Returns To Earth With A Vengeance

Sunday, May 15, 2022

I Heard Your Prayers, Supreme Diety Says, And Here I Am To Stand My Ground & DeliverFaced with withering criticism of His recent disregard for His most fervent idolators, God made an unscheduled Buffalo visit to gather some highly collectible human cadavers over the weekend, promising to adapt His...

Family Claims Mom’s Ashes Spell Out Emotional Message For Them On Surface Of Water: ‘Chills All Over’

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Dad Always Told Us She Was A Real Bitch But This Was Next Level DickishnessProving that there is nothing better than a brutal burn to liven up a funeral, the Baxter Family claims matriarch Amerique Baxter got the last laugh after 82 years of making everyone around her cringe whenever she was in public....

If Life Is So Precious

Friday, May 13, 2022

Why Do So Many Of These So-Called Precious Lives Act So Badly To One Another?Is this your only daily #ExistentialTrickQuestion?
What a horrible life you must lead.

An Occasional Reminder

Thursday, May 12, 2022

Music Remains The Best
I know where the time goes. Right down the toilet with everything else.
As my old dead buddy Hungry Chuck Bukowski always said: “Time is made to be wasted.”

Recently I Was Asked If I Ever Regretted Being Crass And Lower Class

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

I Must Admit It Gave Me PauseAfter all, who wants to be remembered as just another Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn?

Biden Names First Black And LGBT White House Press Secretary

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Fox Calls Move A Slap In The Face To Kayleigh MAGAninnyIf the right-[proudly uneducated]-wing seems particularly butt hurt over the Psaki bush-smacking and buttocks-whacking they’ve endured for the past couple of years, imagine the wails, shrieks, and lamentations from the unwoke mob who already has...

Boy, I'm Glad I Wasn't Born Black Or With A Vagina

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

The Good Times Of American Family Values Are Killing Everyone But Me!So much for empathy!
I am so glad to have been born late enough in human devolution to witness — nay, verily I willingly participate in — the sixth mass extinction, which is only the second caused by willful ignorance, if you include...

Trump Defends Nebraska Gubernatorial Candidate Facing Groping Allegations

Monday, May 2, 2022

Groping, You Sure It Wasn’t Grabbing? Asks Grabito PussoliniFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and shameless bottom-feeding cornhole addict Grabito Pussolini shambled to the defense of Nebraska goobernatorial candidate Charles “Numchucks” Herbster (R-Word, NB) at a hillbilly Nebraskaburg...

People Used To Ask Me Why I Was So Negative Or Unhappy Or Angry

Friday, April 29, 2022

Mostly Because I Used To Interact With ThemI won’t make that mistake again.

DeSantis Slams Disney For Negotiating Great Terms In 1960s

Thursday, April 28, 2022

The Mouse Fucked Us In Advance, Florida’s Favorite Führer WhinesSaying he didn’t know why he should be bound by terms of a legal agreement between Disney Corp and the state of Florida made in May of 1967 before he became supreme ayatollah of America’s cartographic nutsack, Gov Ron “Little Don” DeSantis...

Now That Elon Has Bought Twitter Maybe I Should Appeal My Eternal Suspension One Last Time

Monday, April 25, 2022

It’s Like My Life Is Meaningless Without It & Deserving Of Social Compensation!*I’ve been waiting patiently for my 1,291,478th slot to open up at Troop Central (as the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and pussy-whipped #BeBester Grabito Pussolini recently himself called it), so I can...

Trump Blasts France Election Results Claiming LaPen Should Be His Running Mate In 2024

Sunday, April 24, 2022

There’s No Way A 56-42 Margin Isn’t Rigged“I wouldn’t concede if I was her,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and man who was crestfallen when his 23 & Me results found absolutely no genetic link to Adolph Hitler or Eva Braun, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini told a 911 operator earlier...

Freedumb Trucker Tucker Carlson Freaks Out Over Obama's Disinformation Speech

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Could The Former Black President Be A Full-Blown Fascist Who Hates You? Alternative Gay Bob Doll AsksLess than 24 hours after a former president who did not commit treason against America, Barack “The Hussein Man” Obama told an audience of alleged liberals looking for hope and a clean change of clothes...

Our Zero Tolerance Culture Is About To Kill The Entire Planet

Friday, April 22, 2022

I Just Want To Cancel All Of Contemporary CivilizationI’m pretty sure it takes a hell of a lot more guts doing it in your teens or early twenties, but I’ve had it with this binary construct our nation of miserable fucks thrives upon. This isn’t about identity or sexuality or even ideas. In everything...

Empathy Is America's Latest Pet Rock

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

What A Nation Of Miserable Fucks That Has Such Nimrods In ItI’ve come to the conclusion that America’s current addiction to blaming every failing of reality to live up to the empty promises and endless stupidity that has made the US such a magnet for foreign hucksters and whiners on a lack of empathy...

Tucker Carlson's Cult Of Testicle Tanners Terrorize Local Beaches

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Tupperware Announces Stainless Steel Scotum Scissors That Free Your Bad Boys To Dance In The Sunshine And Laugh Every day
America’s favorite #ExistentialTrickQuestion, Fox News troll Freedumb Trucker Tucker Carlson took a break over Yeaster Weakend from blaming transsexuals and uppity blacks for...

If I Had It All To Do Over Again

Monday, April 18, 2022

I Would Have Opted For A Career As A Cave Painter CriticI’m sure there was an MFA program somewhere I could have adapted into some weird second major.
Sure. I can hear you thinking: “Cave Painter Critic! Have you checked out the market much?” but no one likes a critic, and one of my specialties...

Who's Dreaming Of A White Easter?

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Yeast Is Risen! We’re In The Dough, Raimi#PundyRaunch rises again!

Putin Denies Involvement In Brooklyn Subway Attack

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Must Be Ukraine Comedians Again! Says GOPAuthorities say their focus was immediately fixed on Russian mass murderer Vlad “The Impudent” Putin in connection with today’s New York subway terrorist attack in Brooklyn, after videos by Tik Tok Teens surfaced appearing to show a gunman wearing a Soviet-era...

The Greatest Thing About Life Is How Complete It Is

Friday, April 8, 2022

Life Doesn’t Need Us Or Our Proud StupidityThat’s why there are so many Gods around to negotiate the stupid shit humans pretend is so important to keep their meaningless existences from seeming like just another collection of random soulless fecal transplants.
Oh! Did I disturb your concentration?...

Judge Kitani Samwise Jackson Confirmed To Supreme Court Despite All The Honkies

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

Crackers Decry Cancel Culture As Alleged Black Bitch Dons A Decidedly Non-Klan RobeThe thing I’m most looking forward to in the next eight years is the thrilling conclusion to the current season of Very Fine People Civilization, which will stream live around the globe no matter how your weather is...

Can Computers Learn Common Sense?

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

That’s The Subject Line Of Today’s E-Mail From The New YorkerI sure as fuck hope not. Have you seen what common sense has done to this planet?

Have You Seen Our New Trump Was So Right Stickers?

Monday, April 4, 2022

Don’t Fall For Chinese KnockoffsI got the idea from an e-mail I found in one of my many Nazi junk mail folders from the greasy-looking goombah son of the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & soon to be first former president charged with crimes against a nation of miserable fucks. It...

Will Smith Resigns From Academy After “Inexcusable” Actions At Oscars

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Mulls 2024 Run For White House As Moderate RepugnicuntAs the backlash over his sucker-slapping of comedian Kid Rock onstage at the Oscars slowly sloshes around the globe like an inconsequential tsunami of The American Way, Will Smith announced during a pop-up press conference at a Starbucks in Tuscany...

Trump Mocked For Lengthy Official Statement Boasting About Grabbing A Hole In One Hand

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Former Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator Claims He Holed Fresh Pussy In One Small Grab For Mankind While Joking With Pros At His Florida Sex ClubMany people are asking if this could be true, so I’ll lay it on you straight right now, it is 100% true. While playing with the legendary Sheriff...

U.S. Runs Out Of Money To Pay Providers To Treat Uninsured COVID-19 Patients

Monday, March 28, 2022

They Were Warned. They Were Given Ample Explanation. Nevertheless, They Persisted.If you’re uninsured and get COVID, experts are now recommending that you find a safe quiet place where you can bend way over, plant your head between your legs, and kiss your stupid ass goodbye, because the U.S. government...

Rep. Madison Cawthorn Tells Audience: 'I Don't Have A Whole Lot Of Wisdom'

Saturday, March 26, 2022

“And You Don’t Seem To Have A Lick Of sense Either,” Admonished Elderly GrandmotheFar right testicle Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) defended his racist, homophobic, misogynistic, insurrectionist, dumbfuck positions on just about everything at the annual Bumfuck County Repugnicunt Men’s...

If No One Else Is Wearing A Mask, Should You?

Friday, March 25, 2022

These Are The Kinds Of Questions The Dumbest Dinosaurs Ask Each Other As They Go Extinct#IToldYouSo, you feckless cunts so consumed with running the world.
I intend to wear my mask until I no longer see your stupid face in the checkout line since you chose the express lane.
Fuck your freedumbocracy.

NASA Has Found More Than 5,000 Planets Outside Of Our Solar System

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Nearly All Are Already Owned By Supply-Side Plantation OwnersNASA has identified more than 5,000 planets  in the general neighborhood just outside our solar system, but so far, the blessed few who own our nation of miserable fucks (and indeed the entire planet) consider these recent discoveries only...

Politics Is Poopadoodle And History Is Bunk According To Repugnicunts

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

That Is All Ye Know Of American Family Values And All Ye Need To KnowReading the bullshit that passes for news these days, it has become crystal clear that “Things here are so broke there’s no way to fix them” is the new “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Carry on.

Dementia Linked To Premature Menopause In Women, Study Says

Thursday, March 17, 2022

There’s One More Thing We Can Thank Women ForWhew! For a second there my head was swmming. I thought they said premature ejaculation.

New COVID Mutation Causes Spontaneous Erections

Thursday, March 17, 2022

The Epsischlong Variant Has America By The Short Hairs In A Hard PlaceRepugnicunt lawmakers today declared the Democrat Coronavirus Kung-Flu Hoax officially over after the World Health Organization announced the latest variant of the fake disease appears to work better than Viagra in stiffening electoral...

People's Convoy Demands That Congress End Climate Change

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

That Would Be A Real Win-Win For All Of Us Really Good AmericansCapitol Hill police have been preparing for weeks for the truckers of Turdwaffle’s “Freedumb Convoy” to invade the Capitol and disrupt President Biden’s first State of the Union Address, which actually already took place on March 1, but...

Trump Rejects 'Ridiculous' Story That He's Using Campaign Funds For A New 'Trump Force One' Plane

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Suggests One Of The Kids Maybe Did ItLess than 48 hours after a plane carrying former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite alternatively-abled apprentice, Dimwit Donald Jessica Turdwaffle, attempted suicide following the speech he gave at the RNC Meat & Greek in New Orleans...

America! Say It Ain't Joe McManchin...

Monday, March 14, 2022

West Virginia’s Favorite Oligarch Needs to Go To HellI suspect the founding fathers never intended for some small-minded evil little senatorial twit to run the country according to which hair on his ass is standing on end today. Especially not one from a shit-hole state whose chief claim to fame is...

Cawthorn Claims Police Harassment

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Outlaw Lawmaker Arrested Again For Driving Without A LicenseRep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) slammed the North Carolina State Highway Patrol this morning for what he termed ”constant harassment for my defense of the Constitution. Do they ever go after these liberal sympathizers. The...

New York Times Says They Will Block Wordle Cheaters

Monday, March 7, 2022

No More Mr. & Mrs. All The Nice News to Fit Your Pedestrian ViewsFollowing reports that thousands of Tik Tok Teens have been selling the daily solutions to Wordle™, the popular impossible-to-lose word game, to highly uneducated Turdwaffle supporters in exchange for blanket pardons for “things like...

You Want To Know How To Learn To Write Like Me?

Thursday, March 3, 2022

There’s No Big Secret To Success If You Choose To Avoid ItI may have graduated from Clemson with honors, because of a second half rally for the record books, but what could honors have really entailed at Clemson? Yelling “Hit the nigger. Hit the nigger. Hit him again” during mandatory pep rallies?...

Antifa Denies Reponsibility In Freedumb Convoy Attacks

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Organizers Of SOTU Trucker Blockade in DC Complain Of Democrat Sabotage To Thwart Freedom Loving PatriotsCiting sky-rocketing prices at the pump that he attributed to Joe Biden and his antifa allies, a spokestire for the Rolling Dunderheads Freedumb Tour 2022 blamed the poor turnout in Washington yesterday...

Would You Pay $10 A Month To Join The Cancelled Club?

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

For Some Reason My Ideas Seldom Make Me Any MoneyDo you think I need to engage with the occasional spelunker who stumbles across these digital cave paintings? 
I’m serious. I know I haven’t activated the comments feature and I keep posting shit that most uneducated readers don’t see anything wrong...

'Of Course He Would': Fiona Hill Dishes On Putin And Plutonium

Monday, February 28, 2022

He’s Acting Just Like Trump But He Still Has Nukes!Veteran foreign affairs analyst Fiona Boonisfarne Apple-Hill said “I told you so,” this morning when asked to comment on Russian dicktaster Vlad The Impudent’s brutal invasion of Ukraine over unpaid parking tickets.
Hill told Politico that we are...

Man Killed For Cheating At Wordle

Sunday, February 27, 2022

He Thought It Was A Joke. So Who’s Laughing Now?Wordle finally turned deadly this weekend, joining a long and colorful line of time-wasting trends that helped make our short stay at the top of the food chain one of the most deadly, pointless, and immoral epochs in planet Earth's never-ending search...

Can 8 Billion People Ever Agree To Be Right?

Saturday, February 26, 2022

#RectumOracleAnswers……deserve #ExistentialTrickQuestions

Holy Holophrasis Batman

Friday, February 25, 2022

I Told You So Now I get it. There is even a word for the shit we are standing in up to our necks.
Capitalists hate repeating themselves and that’s why we need to shut up and listen very carefully whenever they fart in our general direction during deep-breathing exercises intended to keep the well-oiled...

Dimwit Donald J Turdwaffle Jr. Says Father Ready To Broker Peace Deal Between Russia & Ukraine Aggressors

Thursday, February 24, 2022

All It Takes Is A Few Artful Plea Deals In Swing StatesDimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr. sounded like his dad this morning when he put himelf in the shoes of Vladimir Putin — an insane autocrat accused of invading Ukraine to gain complete and total control of the world’s supply of authentic vereniki...

Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy Is The Best Lady G Can Hope For At this Point

Thursday, February 24, 2022

If You Were Her Wouldn’t You?Sometimes you just just gotta go with the flow. 
Here’s another of those solos from up around the summit of Billy the Mountain, buzzing Ethyl, his small wooden wife.

Now That's Some Catch That Catch 2 22 22

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Trump Blasts Biden Sanctions On Russian BanksAs former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the kind of guy who makes the uneducated shine like crazy diamonds, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle, took time out from his busy schedule of trying to foment sedition to avoid persecution by escaping prosecution...

Crazy Person Complains About Being Treated 'As If I'm Some Kind Of Marjorie Taylor Greene'

Monday, February 21, 2022

Even I Know Not To Insult Spaz Gaucho PoliceA homeless liberal who once suggested that California wildfires were the result of human caused climate change and expressed fears that American Family Values are the root cause for the inability of our nation of miserable fucks to engage in constructive...

Baby Formula Recalled Over Ivermectin & Other Alternatve Medical Facts

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Manufacturers Wanted To Help Protect Anti-Vaxxers From COVIDAccording to totally prefabricated reports, fugitives from the January 6 insurrection conducted a series of commando raids in recent weeks against our nation of miserable fuck’s strategic baby formula reserves.
The purpose of these raids...

Truth Social: You Can't Handle It

Thursday, February 17, 2022

But You Can Follow It On TwitterUnless, of course, you are twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & fat guy demanding he be let sing one last inane aria, Donald J. Turdwaffle.
So sad.

Miami Dade Police Deny Deal With Turdwaffle To Sell Insurrectionist Swag

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

It Was A Blessed Inconvenience Cops SayAn alleged typo on an informational flier given to law-breaking motorists on how to resolve their citations online sent motorists near Mar-a-Lago in South Trumpistan to a website selling 2022-2024 merchandise promoting former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

Sarah Palin To Appeal Defamation Verdict

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

This Wasn’t Just For The Principle Of The ThingOne day after Mr. Judge Roy Bean told a drinking buddy at Rudy’s Bar and Grill that he was going to dismiss Sarah Palin’s suit against the New York Times, regardless of how the jury ruled, because she and her legal team had failed to present any evidence...

@DoctorFaustroll Finds The Whole Whoopi Goldberg Thing Hilarious

Monday, February 14, 2022

When Did Who Has The Best Holocaust Story Become An Olympic Event?We need to rise above the racism at the core of Repugnicunt American Family Values & embrace specism as a clearly attainable goal for our continually lost generations. We’ve been wiping shit out for hundreds of years!

Trump Offers To Broker Peace Deal Between Russia & Ukraine For A Little Favor In Return

Saturday, February 12, 2022

It’s No Biggie Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator InsistsAs tensions between the US, NATO, Vlad “The Impudent” Putin, and Taco Bell intensified in recent days, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and white stupremacist rabble-rouser Donald J. Turdwaffle saw another opportunity to...

Trump Denies He Flushed Secrets Down The Toilet

Thursday, February 10, 2022

That's What The Garbage Disposal Is ForFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and pole-dance pee-guzzler Donald J. Turdwaffle bristled Thursday at the suggestion he had flushed incriminating documents down the executive-time toilet installed behind the Resolute desk in his first official...

Matt Gaetz: Stop Me Before I Prey Again!

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

Tells House Colleagues Woke Sexual Predators Must Not Escape JusticeRep. Matt Gaetz (R-Word, FL) spoke in favor of a bill that would limit protections for corporations against accusations of sexual harassment & predation, stating: “Here’s the real question presented: Why should harassers who work for...

It's Now Official

Monday, February 7, 2022

This Democrat Coronavirus Hoax Will Finally Be Over When I Finally Lose At WordleSorry. I just have this thing about word games…
Looks like 4.4 million cadaver cosies are on the horizon…

It sure looks like Faux News is right for blasting Sleepy Joe Biden’s assertion that this is an epidemic...

Suicidal Organ Donors Leave Funny Note On Facebook

Sunday, February 6, 2022

Now You Can Honestly Say Some Of Your Best Friends Are DeadOh, snap! I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Like, follow, and subscribe!

Glenn Youngkin Endorses Reinstatement For Former Douchebag

Saturday, February 5, 2022

His Promising Me A Pardon Has Nothing To Do With It“Why would I need a pardon?” Gov. Youngkin (R-Word, VA) asked. “I haven’t done anything God didn’t want done!”

I See The Mainstream Media Has Finally Acknowledged We're On A #CountdownToOneMillion

Friday, February 4, 2022

It’s A Great Time To Be In The Cadaver Cosy BusinessHow many times do I have to say I told you so? We’ll be looking at 1.1 million before the blink of many an unvaccinated eye in the coming weeks. I’ve been following progress of the Democrat coronavirus hoax on worldometers for two years & they’ve...

US Accuses Russia Of Planning Gulf Of Tonkin-Style Video To Justify Invasion Of Ukraine

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Just Because We’ve Done It Doesn’t Give Them The Right“That’s our trademark,” says unnamed White House source close to the former butthole of national power, “and no goddamn Rooskie is going to get away with infringing on our trademarks and anti-intellectual property. Hell, they can’t even kill their...

DeSantis Says People Calling For Him To Condemn Nazis Are Trying To Smear His Reputation

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Some Of My Best Friends Are Nazis, Repugnicunt Presidential turdwaffle Challenger SaysGov. Ron DeSantis (R-Word, FL) blasted critics who said he should condemn the Nazi demonstrations that took place in Orlando over the weekend, claiming that antifa and Black Lives Matter operatives were trying to...

Bipartisan Governors Tell Biden To Stop With This Pandemic Bullshit

Monday, January 31, 2022

With All This Climate Change And Collapsing Infrastructure, Does It Really Matter If We All Get Sick? We’ve Got An Economy To Take Care OfIn private, the nation’s leading supply-side plantation economists agree that the ongoing Indochinodemocrat coronavirus hoax could turn out to be one of the greatest...

Poppa's Got A Brand New Scam

Monday, January 31, 2022

My #Alt-Reich Junk Email Box Has Four Turdwaffle Shit Shop Ads This MorningThe twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator must be facing some massive legal bills, considering his pleas for funds have doubled or tripled in recent weeks.
So it comes as no surprise that hours after he left the stage...

JFK Jr. Is On A Ventilator With COVID, Palin Named As Cause

Saturday, January 29, 2022

He Had Dinner In NYC Restaurant With Former Repugnicunt VP Mama Bear Candidate Sarah PalinQAnon followers reacted  with skepticism to news that JFK Jr is on life support at an undisclosed medical facility in midtown Manhattan following a meet cute with Antivax crusader Sarah Palin, arguing that it...

American Pandemic Of The Proudly Ignorant Enters Third Year

Saturday, January 29, 2022

It’s Amazing The Shit Americans Believe And Are Willing To Sacrifice Their Offspring ForI imagine the dinosaurs sat around watching Fox Gnus as they did their own research.

Governor Offers Bulldog's Butthole To Critics Of State's Proudly Uneducated

Friday, January 28, 2022

Animal Rights Activists Call For Arrest In Suspected Canine Sex Trafficking
Little did nimrod Gov. Jim “Whitey” Justice (R-Word, WV) suspect that flashing his dog Babydog’s sexual and excretory apparatus at TV cameras to insult to Bette Midler at the conclusion of his Wet Vagina State of the State...

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Calls Challenge To His Fitness To Hold Office Prosecution

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Argues Real Insurection Took Place On November 3, 2020Freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) blasts effort to use 14th Amendment ban on insurrectionists from holding any public office “an end run on our sacred Constitution, which never had a 14th amendment in it to begin with. I am...

Dumbfucks Have Replaced Cunts As Ultimate World Runners

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Jarvis Cocker To Release Updated Version Of Classic Pre-Apocalyptic AnthemIn the meantime, enjoy what the world was like until the really rancid cunts took over.


Jeffrey Epstein Is Still Alive & Living Under An Assumed Name

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Worked As Strategic Advisor For Turdwaffle’s 2020 Presidential CampaignNow living in exile at Mar-a-Lago, the allegedly deceased accused sex trafficker was recently outed during an interview with MSNBC host Ari Melber, who asked him when he had switched careers from sex trafficking to recruiting alternate...

Stupid Son-Of-A-Bitch Upset President Biden Called Him Out

Monday, January 24, 2022

Steve Doocy’s Little Boy Proves To Be Chip Off The Old BlockJen Psaki’s favorite anti-intellectual hackey sack, Peter Doocy, had whatever he calls his testicles handed to him this morning by feeble lame-duck Democrat President Sleepy Joe Biden, who actually used sarcasm on the poor lad before dismissing...

Lone Ranger Comes Out Against Mask Mandates

Monday, January 24, 2022

Don’t You Think This Public Health Crisis Done Got Out Of Hand?“I’ve been wearing a mask since 1933,” said John Reid, the immortal Texas Ranger who retired to Guadalajara with his trusty wife Tonto in 1957, where he has devoted himself to auto-erotic self-flagellation & political posturing. “It didn’t...

US Deeply Concerned Over Alleged Plot To Install Pro-Russian Regime In Ukraine

Sunday, January 23, 2022

We’re Still Invesitigating The Fat Son Of A Bitch For Insurrection, State Department Tells LavrovEver since losing the 2020 election in a popular vote landslide to Sleepy Joe Biden & The Rule Of Law, America’s favorite former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & adult diaper model has been scrambling...

Come On People Now, You Never Heard Of Big Brother?

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Can Somebody Please Explain To Me What “Lethal Aid" Is? As an average extraordinary citizen of Earth living in a heavily-armed nation of miserable fucks, I find the idea of some country sending lethal aid in anyone's general direction to be somewhat unsettling.
I’ve seen the term used recently,...

Turdwaffle Offers Hand-Signed Army/Navy Football As Prize In Save America Fund-Raising Raffle

Saturday, January 22, 2022

This Was From My First Interception When Wharton Loaned Me To The Army/Navy GameAs this complete and total disaster of football season comes to its totally disgraceful end with mandatory testing, we have BIG news to share with YOU rampant football fans and the football lovers that love you, of which...

Mike Pence Corrects Famous Dan Quayle Quote for Fox

Friday, January 21, 2022

Tucker Carlsen Asks Former Turdwaffle Under-Assistant President For Vice If He Has Any Regrets About His Role In January 6 Celebrations Where He Was Slated To Be Hanged As EffigySpeaking from a hen house in a universe far, far away from the ordinary reality most sentient beings prefer to live in, Fox...

Ivanka Tells Jan. 6 Panel She Can't Testify Because Agreements For Chinese Trademarks

Thursday, January 20, 2022

I’d Like To Help But My Lawyers Tell Me I Signed An NDA“I’m such a ditz,” the former first daughter told the clearly biased Democrat terrorists conducting the complete & totally partisan investigation into unsubstantiated claims that her father had intimate knowledge of plans to foment the failed insurrection...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Leave Country Unless He Is Reinstated

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

What Good Is Winning In A Landslide If Antifa Won’t Let Me Rule?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the epitome of American Family Values, Donald J. Turdwaffle, responded today to news that Eric, the son he sired with the help of Gary Busey jumping up & down on his buttocks, pleaded...

Matt Gaetz Blasts Sex-Trafficking Investigators

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

How Come I Can’t Get Immunity?After the alleged former girlfriend of staunch Turdwaffle ally, Rep. Matt  Gaetz (R-Word, FL), was granted immunity last week to testify about her knowledge of his alleged sex-trafficking of minors at Mar-A-Lago, the widely mocked congressprick took to social media to...

Bibi Netanyahoo Close To Plea Deal In Corruption Trial

Sunday, January 16, 2022

Claims He Was Was Promised A Pardon For moving US Embassy To Jerusalem“A deal is a deal,” the former Prime Minister told YU Finance reporter Happy Clie Torres, revealing that the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & inflamed racist sphincter Donald J. Turdwaffle had engaged in more illegal...

Trump Takes Credit For Omnicron Surge

Thursday, January 13, 2022

I Told You That Testing Would Make The Numbers Go Up“Do you miss me now?” America’s favorite twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around douchebag asks rhetorically.

My Pillow CEO Says He Has Enough Evidence To Put 350 Million Americans In Jail

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

You Have No Idea How Big This Fraud Thing Really Is“People selling their babies, hoodlums breaking into dropboxes, liberals thinking they know so much, you name it,” said the My Pillow guy at a hastily called news conference in a local Wendy’s, “I’ve seen it all.”
“Everything you’re going to see...

Dolphins Have A Fully Functional Clitoris, Swingers Find

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

America Has A Bold New Market For Industrial-Strength Sex Toys!During the ongoing pandemic, our nation of miserable fucks’ sexually adventurous have pursued new & potentially illegal forms of gratification to comply with local COVID restrictions.
One of these interspecies relationships led to the...

New Necronomnicron Variant May Be Deadliest Yet

Monday, January 10, 2022

Pataphysicians Call It The Crowley ClapAs a Darwinian percentage of supposedly educated human beings continue to reject vaccines & other measures developed to slow the spread of a highly contagious disease that kills 2% of those it first makes mad, Dr. Faustroll’s crack team of epidemonologists, led...

Eldest Trump Children Won't Comply With Subpoenas From New York Attorney General, Citing White Executive Privilege

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr & Ivanka Claim Political & Religious Persecution By ProsecutorAs New York Attorney General Letitia “La Bron” James continues to widen her investigation into fraud by the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s family & businesses, Turdwaffle’s adult children are pushing...

Elizabeth Holmes Claims TKO Victory In Fraud Cases

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

I Was Innocent Of A Clear Majority Of Charges, So I WinAnnouncing her intention to sue to recover legal expenses related to her lengthy trial, Theranos founder and one-time professional Steve Jobs impersonator, Elizabeth Holmes declared “complete and total vindication” today after jurors returned guilty...

Trump To Launch Ashli Babbitt Monument Fund On January 6

Monday, January 3, 2022

Promises Pardons For All On MAGA Martyr Day*Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Pullputzer Award-winning author of The Epic of KuklaM*A*S*H, Donald J. Turdwaffle, has doubled down on his intention to make January 6 a national holiday & day of remembrance for his fallen followers by inviting...

DeSantis Denies He Gave Wife Cancer

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Claims They Signed A Prenup That Excludes Cancer & COVIDAfter rumors that Florida’s governor was being held for ransom while COVID hospitalizations & deaths in the state soared, spokesNazis at the Fuchs News, NudistMaxipad, & ONAN propaganda networks claimed liberals & antifa should be ashamed for...

There Is No Gravity

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

The Earth Really Does Suck!And we made it that way! Whoopee for us!

At Last @DoctorFaustroll Is Permanently Banned From Twitter

Monday, December 27, 2021

That’s One More Thing He Can Scratch Off His Fuck It ListCan new appeal to the Benevolent Order of Twits be far behind?

Candace Owens Calls Turdwaffle Too Old To Talk With

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Thinks He’s Been Brainwashed By Liberal VaxxersCandace Owens was apparently as surprised as any far-right anti-vaxxer nutjob would be when former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & occasional horse-dewormer salesman Donald J. Turdwaffle suddenly praised himself for inventing vaccines and proclaiming...

Brandon Files Class Action Suit Against Fox News Alleging Harassment

Friday, December 24, 2021

Why Not Chant Let’s Go Tucker, Fuckers?Brandon has a point.

Contents Of Time Capsule Removed From Robert E. Lee Statue Pedestal Revealed

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Water Damaged Artifacts Include MAGA Cap, Copy Of Art Of The Deal, & Confederate FlagUntil the monstrous statue of the American Nazi Party’s favorite general of all time, Gen. Robert E. Lee, was torn from its moorings in Richmond earlier this year, no one realized there were several time capsules concealed...

Turdwaffle Determined To Prove Democracy Is Just A Game

Monday, December 20, 2021

He Knows More About The Rule Of Lawyers Than AnyoneIs there anyone who still thinks the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator wasn’t only in the White House for the money? He spent four years avoiding criminal and civil prosecution, claiming the American people expected him to devote his...

Ghislaine Maxwell Asks Court To Be Called 'Madam Epstein' Instead Of 'Defendant'

Saturday, December 18, 2021

Petitions Judge To Refer To Her As Madam Epstein In Jury Instructions To Prevent Prejudicing Their Opinion Against HerJudge says “Sure, Anything else you need, Ghislaine?”

I Never Once Suspected I Might Know More Than Denzel Washington

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

But Even I Know Who Damson Idris IsHe’s some guy Denzel had never heard of. Am I right?

Lorena Boebert Threatens To Shoot Self If Libs Don't Stop Bullying Her

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

You Won’t Catch Me Whining When I Don’t Get My WayIt’s not the first time Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) has heaped scorn upon herself for being her ignorant self, but this time the US House of Representatives responded to racist and Islamophobic comments she made about Rep. Ilhan Omar (Dem, MN)...

Nimrod Files Class Action Suit To Void Social Media Posts From Evidence

Monday, December 13, 2021

They’re Coming To Take Away My First Amendment Rights!Durwood Mildude Dampfass was sentenced to three months in jail after pleading guilty “to crimes I couldn’t commit because of The Constitution which I am sworn to uphold.” He now claims he was tricked by “the criminally justice system” into thinking...

God Apologizes For Kentucky Tornadoes

Saturday, December 11, 2021

I Was Just Trying To Send Mitch A Message Liberal Diety ExplainsGod told listeners on WHOP this morning that “things got a little out of hand” when He had way too much to drink before unleashing His therapeutic whirlwinds upon western Kentucky last night “to put some good old-fashioned fear of You-Know-Who...

'The President Was In Danger Of Dying,' Medical Expert Says After Latest Revelations About Trump

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

So Much For ExpertsCan we not hear anymore about Turdwaffle until the obit?

Kylie Rittenhouse Claims Crumbley Reward

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Paladin Protective Services Tracks Down Bad Parents To Make America Great AgainAcquitted Kenosha Killer Kylie Rittenhouse’s Paladin Protective Services was instrumental in the capture of Dick and Jehn Crumbley, parents of accused school shooter 14-year-old Ethan Frome Crumbley, according to Matt “He’ll...

How Omicron Is Pronounced

Thursday, December 2, 2021

It’s Easy When You See It Abbreviated On TwitterThat’s right.
OMG! OMC is here!

America Must Better Prepare For More Mass Shootings

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

What Else Can We Do? When things ain’t broke, you can’t fix them. That’s the American Way! If it ain’t in the Constituion, it damn well should be. Among the most important rights this country has to offer are the ones listed in the Second Amendment, which lets anyone arm bears to form a well-regulated...

NRA Lobbies Congress To Give Bullets Right Of Way

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

LaPierre Calls Proposed Legislation Common Sense“I don’t know about you,” one of America’s favorite untouchable leaders told a gathering of slobbering gun aficionados protesting protestors of one of our nation of miserable fucks’ recent mass school shootings, “but I’m not willing to bet my health &...

There's Good News Tonight

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Wisconsin Gave Us Joe McCarthy & Kylie Rittenhouse’s Acquittal…while a nearly all-white jury in southern Georgia chose to believe their eyes & ears and weigh the consequences of someone aggressively pursuing an opportunity to engage in self-defense.
Cheddar white Wisconsin’s ideal judge Ricky Schroeder...

Biden Pardons Donald & Donald Junior In First Presidential Turkey Pardon

Friday, November 19, 2021

Big Birds Shit On Hand That Freed ThemIn a move certain to infuriate Mr. Pillow Mike Lindell & the former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator, President Biden this morning pardoned two turkeys, named Donald & Donald Junior, at the annual pardoning of the turkeys ceremony, the first of his presidency.

Did Jake Gyllenhaal Auction One Inch Squares Of Taylor's Red Scarf On E-Bay?

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Disquieting Minds Demand To KnowOh, the humanity!

Judge Says 2nd Amendment Trumps Any Law Against The Rights Of Guns To Own America

Monday, November 15, 2021

Judge Claims Roland Freisler Speaks To Him In DreamsIn his latest effort to ensure Kylie Rittenhouse gets away with murder, alleged son of repatriated WWII German eugenic scientists, Judge Bruce Almighty Schroeder, dismissed the one count for which there is no doubt the young wannabe Hitler Youth recruiter...

Woke Crowd Calls Rittenhouse A Big Crybaby

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Rittenhouse Fires Back With AR15 Previously Owned By Charlton HestonTeen white supremacist hero Kylie Rittenhouse took the stand Wednesday in his own defense after a woke Twitter mob accused him of being “a chubby crybaby who has barely outgrown his Huggies Pull-Em-Ups & has yet to learn the difference...

Trump To Pardon Youngkin's Son When Reinstated

Friday, November 5, 2021

Teen Tried To Vote Twice For McAuliffe“The Democrats probably put him up to it,” former unindicted co-conspirator & subject of numerous federal & state investigations, Donald J. Turdwaffle said in a call to a Fox affiliate airing a “Dittos: The Best Of Rush Limbaugh” episode during which Rush spewed...

Promoting Racist Family Values Still A Winning Repugnicunt Strategy

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

Playing All Trumps Or No Trumps Is Still A Bridge To NowhereAmerica is never going improve to the level of the lowest EU country until saying “Well, that’s white of you” is seen for the grim irony it has always contained.
Our national media is a disgrace, unable to bring themselves to see beyond...

Ashli Boebert's Family May Sue Lindsey Graham For Wrongful Death

Monday, November 1, 2021

More Fallout From The Amazon Washington Post January 6th ReportAfter months of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle demanding to know who killed  Ashli Boebert, it now appears the deposed autocrat has a pretty good idea of who may have authorized her execution on January...

Somewhere In A Multiverse Too Close For Comfort

Thursday, October 28, 2021

The Ruggles Have Released A New SingleIn a rare exclusive, the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat gained access to material hacked by the mysterious Anonymous Anonymous group, including lyrics to The Ruggles latest sure-to-be-classic rock & roll cautionary tale of greed and...

Is There No One To Rid Us Of These Deplorable Judges?

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

You Say Potato & I Say He’s An AssholeIf you have to wonder how we ended up with so many Nazi lawyers on the bench, you haven’t been paying attention to 40 years of the Reagan Legacy’s supply-side plantation economy, where the idea of chattel has expanded to include roughly 99% of the American people.

How To See Uranus Alongside Hunter Biden's Moon In The Night Sky This Week

Friday, October 22, 2021

You Might Spot Some Exciting Stars As WellThe bright light of Hunter Biden’s moon will lead the way to Uranus in the early morning prostate runs this week, and with any luck you may also catch a glint of a “spurting penis star” while gazing longingly at the scandalous celestial pair.

Turdwaffle Launches Socialist Media Scam

Thursday, October 21, 2021

“You Can’t Handle The Truth About Socialism” Site Hacked On First DayAs former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle scrambles to stay out of jail after a pathetically long life of grifting & street-level criminal activity, a new toxic destination on Ted Steven’s Interweb, a...

143 Fully Vaccinated Oregon Residents who Received Pfizer Vaccine Have Died Of COVID-19

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Most Died In Portland From Gunshot WoundsThe Oregon Health Authority now recommends that most fully vaccinated Oregonians hunker down in their subterranean panic rooms until the latest wave of gun violence is over.
“The vaccine is no substitute for full-body armor,” Doctor Faustroll told a sparsely...

Turdwaffle Tell Supporters Not To Vote Until He Is Reinstated

Thursday, October 14, 2021

Complains That Rich Fucks Won’t Shoot Him Into Space For FreeContinuing his Keep Making America Great Again Again campaign to regain access to executive privilege through reinstatement as president, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & supreme scofflaw Donald J. Turdwaffle last night...

Marjoe Faylor Greene Celebrates #ColombiaDay

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Druglords Drag Georgia Lawmaker On TwitterAmerica’s favorite distaff dumbfuck lawbreaker from Georgia tried to downplay the significance of Joe Biden proclaiming October 11 “Indigenous People’s Day” to honor the victims of our great heritage of Manifest Destiny.
In her own highly illiterate way,...

Mike Lindell Claims 850 Year Old Democrat Voted

Saturday, October 9, 2021

More Than 3 Million Democrats Over 150 Years Old Also VotedEveryone’s favorite used pillow salesman, Mike Lindell today revealed that his crack team of election fraudbusters have uncovered widespread use of zombie voters by Democrats in the 2020 election, particularly in the swing states “where most...

Rittenhouse Lawyers Argue He Had Assault Weapon Because He Was Hunting

Friday, October 8, 2021

Irony Declared Officially Dead

My Pillow Guy Continues His Epic Quest

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Mike Lindell Knocking On Doors To Uncover Dead Democrat VotersIf after the first thousand times you don’t succeed, My Pillow CEO & Donald J. Turdwaffle’s favorite colonic polyp is the leader you need & deserve.
Having failed after 10 months to find a single incident of voter fraud during the 2020...

Chief Stumbling Block On Budget Negotiations Is NIH

Monday, October 4, 2021

Study Into Exceptional American Stupidity In JeopardyVowing to block any solution to the nation’s intractable problems that endangers America's fixed notion of things that are not broken and thus don’t need fixing, Rawdog Democrat Senators Joe “King Coal” Manchin (WV) & Krysten “The Arizona Bandit”...

Omarosa: It’s Time for Trump to Come Clean About His Health

Monday, October 4, 2021

Ain’t No Jive-Ass Cracker NDA Gonna Keep This Uppity Mouth ShutFresh off an arbitrator’s ruling that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Russian collaborator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s boilerplate non-disclosure, non-disparagement, & non-compete agreements are not worth the zeroes & ones...

Petito Family Sued For Failure To Pay Licensing Fees

Saturday, October 2, 2021

“Let It Be” Tattoos Designed By Gabby Violate Copyright Protection When four members of slain Instagram influencer Gabby Petito’s family got matching tattoos designed by Gabby herself, little did they suspect that their daughter never licensed the Beatles’ lyrics from Sony Music. They are now facing...

Trump Blasts Arizona Audit Results

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

“Where Did They Get These Guys?” Former Guy Asks Rally CrowdAmerica’s favorite twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle cried foul last night after results of the forensic audit of Arizona ballots saw Biden’s lead in the state grow by nearly 400 votes.
“Where were all my votes?”...

NRA Disputes Report That Found Not Owning A Gun Reduces Risk Of Accidental Shooting

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Blames Antifa Victim-Culture For Anti-Gun Messaging“Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people,” according to the latest pro-death advertising from the NRA, as the pro-insurrection organization tries to distance itself from several class action suits seeking to bankrupt America’s last line of lethal...

Laurena Boebert Mocked For Another Dumb Constitution Tweet

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Colorado Lawmaker Confuses 10 Commandments With Bill Of RightsNever the brightest bulb in the toilet bowl nightlight, freshman lawmaker Laurena Boebert (Dumbshit, CO) doubled down on her standing as a constitutional scholar today when she told stunned reporters: “Let bees that have no knees be the...

Biden Says He Who Dies With The Most Toys No Longer Wins

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Calls Former Guy A Fucking AssholeAs a new poll of unlikely voters shows President Biden’s approval raitings plunging among those uneducated independent voters in Depends pants, America’s oldest fossilized leader has stepped up his criticism of whoever left the White House in “a fucking mess. He turned...

Countdown To 700 Thousand

Monday, September 20, 2021

Houston We Have A Big Fucking Problem Here

Top 1% Slam Proposed Biden Tax Hikes

Thursday, September 16, 2021

“Whatever Happened To Our Democracy?” Rhetoricians Wonder AloudPresident Biden on Thursday proposed a modest adjustment to the massive tax breaks former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle repaid the already obscenely rich with  his 2017 tax cut for making him possible. 

Scientists Find Another Planet With All The Ingredients For Life

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“All That’s Lacking Is A Little American Stupidity,” Say ResearchersProving that the age of American exceptionalism truly has passed, if it ever truly existed, researchers in Finland have concluded that the only thing that distinguishes most livable planets in the Milky Way from Earth is that no other...

Top General Sought Chinese Help To Get Turdwaffle Banned On Twitter

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“We Gave Him Fake Nuclear Codes,” Anonymous Source RevealsIn the days following twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s soiling of the carpet in the Oval Office with a strategic strike from his fecal ejection system, military and civilian officials scrambled to keep the blithering...

Al Qaeda Leader, Believed Dead, Appears In Video At Evander Holyfield Fight

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Turdwaffle & Son Unaware Of Allegedly deceased Terrorists Laughing Three Rows Behind ThemOsama bin Laden made a rare appearance at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida on the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, sitting three rows behind former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

Turdwaffle Blasts Biden For Letting Taliban Have More Weapons Than New York Repugnicunts

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Taliban Nows Outgun Americans 27 To 1Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and failed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle dropped by Greg Gutterball’s hit Fox News late night alternative tragedy show Gutpile on Wednesday to blame president Biden for not returning phone calls from important...

Texas Gov. Bud Abbott Says Abortion Bill Will Force Rapists To Move Back To Mexico

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Six Weeks Is Plenty Of Time To Get Your Tubes TiedDespite facing worldwide derision for signing one of the most restrictive anti-abortion laws in the Milky Way, Gov. Bud Abbott (R, TX) insists that the law will result in fewer unwanted pregnancies by offering poor women access to free birth control,...

Women Begin Texas Exodus

Thursday, September 2, 2021

“Fuck Those Guys” Says #MeToo SchneiderFemale Americans in the Lone Star state have wasted no time responding to Turdwaffle’s Nazi-packed Supreme Court decision to tell them what they can and cannot do with their bodies. More than 500,000 women in the Houston area alone filed change of address notifications...

Antifa Admits COVID Is On Their Side

Monday, August 30, 2021

“Very Fine People On The Wrong Side Of History Are Finally Getting Theirs,” Queen Antifa SmilesIt has apparently come to the attention of the GOP that anti-vax leaders & on-air spokesNazi personalities have begun succumbing to the Chinese Democrat coronavirus hoax in alarming numbers.
 Just this...

Laurena Boebert's Gas Problem

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Nazi Lawbreaker Concealed Fragrant Conflict Of InterestColorado congressturd Boebert’s husband has been selling her farts as renewable energy, a fact she omitted from her financial disclosure forms.
According to information obtained through a freedom of disinformation act request, PMS has learned...

Actually They Signed Up To Be Buttfucked By The GOP

Friday, August 27, 2021

Donald Jr. Pulls Up His Huggies & Gets Real Mean Girl

Incel Journalist Blugeoned With Dildo In Portland

Monday, August 23, 2021

Someone’s Got To NgoFreelance Nazi provocateur, Andy Ngo was briefly stunned yesterday when Queen Antifa snuck up behind him in a pussy-hat & wapped him upside the back of his head like a baby fur seal, prompting America’s favorite Proud Boy pastime to tweet:

That dildo looks like it’s been...

Feckless Cunts Are Still Running The World

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Jarvis Cocker Was RightAnd the colored girls go: "Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."
And #TheDeadBeats go on.

Taliban To Use Vietnam As Model For New Afghanistan

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

“To The Victor Go The Spoils” Rafshan Hashemi bin Khesi Tells Press CorpsesIn a continuation of the charm offensive that has won over 85% of the Afghani people without much more than whimper, the new government in Kabul has pledged to remake itself in the image of the last stone-age nation to defeat...

H.R. McMaster Baits Liberal Media With Moderate Canine Yodeling

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Urges Marines Change Motto To “Semper Fido”“An ounce of invective is worth more than pounding sand up your own ass at the behest of some bush league failed dictator,” as Benji Franklin almost wrote in Poor Dick Head’s Almanac.

Taliban Credit Trump & Pompeo For Crucial Intelligence

Sunday, August 15, 2021

“We Couldn’t Have Done It Without Them” Says Beulah OmarHaving soundly defeated Russia & the United States in back to back knockouts of reigning superpowers, the Taliban gave a tip of the hat to former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle & his favorite coffee boy, Michael...

World Ends Suddenly

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Season Ticket Holders Demand Full Refunds In Class-Action SuitDon’t worry, average . Mexico & other poor countries will pay for it, just as they always do.

Cuomo Gives Two Week's Notice

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Joining Trump 2024 Campaign As Sensitivity CzarGovernor Andrew Cuomo gave New Yorkers his two-week notice today, saying he’s been offered a “challenging hands-on position” with the Turdwaffle administration in exile that “I cannot in good faith refuse. Given my circumstances, the best way I can help...

I Remember That Movie

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Didn’t They Say This Could Never Happen?I’ve never been one not to tell you how many times I’ve told you so. So let me just say once again: I told you so.
I just finished reading  several articles of what you might consider alarmist takes about what is going to happen with the imminent collapse...

William Tecumseh Sherman Variant Marches Through South

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

DeSantis Threatens To Deport Hospitalized Patients Back To “Their State Of Origin”Florida Governor Ron “The Con” DeSantis has recently come under attack for his hands-off approach to dealing with the most deadly & dangerous global pandemic in more than a century, & he has routinely shrugged off any...

Laurena Boebert Ain't Got No Daddy!

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Sarah Palin’s Mini Me Has Daddy IssuesSome things you just can’t make up. Read all about it!

"Give Us Liberty or Give Us Death!" Shout MAGA Anti-Maskers

Saturday, July 31, 2021

“Just Hold That Thought,” Delta Variant RepliesHere’s hoping the Democrats won’t waste this golden opportunity to level the playing field in our nation of miserable fucks by removing a few hundred thousand uneducated Nazis from the playing field.
Why reward them for having stayed stupid & ugly for...

Repugnicunts Blame Capitol Cops For 1/6 Riots

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

“They Started It!” Say Die-Hard NazisFollowing the first day of the House investigation into the January 6th Turdwaffle Insurrection, GOP leaders & their press secretaries at Fox News trotted out their go-to whataboutism & prevarication strategies in hopes of keeping their uneducated white supremacist...

Turdwaffle Blasts Biden For Ruining His Beautiful Vaccines

Monday, July 26, 2021

“People Listen To Me,” Bloviating Bombast BellowsContinuing the rant he began at the recent “Rally To Protect Our Elections” in Phoenix, former twice-impeached failed-führer & unDonald J. Turdwaffle held forth at a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicen to encourage his supporters to take the COVID vaccine....

We Don't Have A Pandemic Of The Unvaccinated

Thursday, July 22, 2021

We Have A Pandemic Of Terminal Dumb AssesForgive me for typing the actual message you thought I was only thinking and posting it to the Ted Stevens Memorial Information Bridge To Nowhere.

Testes Testes

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

My Kingdom For An Internet ConnectionIf you think my testes are bad, you should taste one of my quizzies, no?

Trump To Sue Putin For NDA Violation

Saturday, July 17, 2021

“I Thought We Had A Deal!” Turdwaffle Shouts At Passing CarsCiting the agreement they signed behind closed doors at Helsinki in 2018, twice-impeached former failed führer Donald J.Turdwaffle took to his Pornhub MySpace channel this morning to denounce recent leaks alleging Vladimir Putin told Russian...

Repugnicunts Seek To Outlaw Maskturbation

Thursday, July 15, 2021

“You Can Hum But You Can’t Hide!” Shout Nazi Pigfuckers From HeavenOnce again, the GOP has chosen to mishear what is being said by actual people who have some idea of what they are talking about, to both comic & deadly effect.
Masturbation has been proven second only to wearing masks as the most...

Dems Bug Out Of Texas

Monday, July 12, 2021

Remembering The AlamoCalling the late Arthur Lee’s “You Set The Scene” the “most meaningful description of life in Texas since the Repugnicunts took over,” Texas legislators threatened to flee the state for less authoritarian climes until catastrophic climate change & COVID do what DNC rhetoric has...

Holden Cawthorn Is Latest Helms On Wheels

Saturday, July 10, 2021

“They’re Coming To Take Our Deuteronomy, Mama!”North Carolina Representative Ashley Madison Cawthorn held forth with a group of Tik Tok Teens at the Conservative Political Action Committee buzzard festival in Dallas Friday afternoon while waiting for someone to ask him whether he was running for the...

Things They Don't Teach You Or Teach You Not To Do

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Always Put Incriminating Things In WritingThe key thing to remember as you navigate the mysteries of American family values & our supply side plantation economy is that you are both the product and the customer in any employment or marketplace arrangement.
You are chattel, which seems counter-intuitive...

Cuomo Calls 2nd Amendment A Fucking Disaster

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Executive Order Stops Short Of Adding NRA To Terror Watch List“Enough is enough!” says beleaguered Democrat governor under attack from Proud Boys, Nazis, the Capitalist media, & murderous Repugnicunts.
Randy Andy Cuomo, as the nimrod press prefers to call him, promises to get to root of the gun...

Afghanistan Beats Another World Superpower

Friday, July 2, 2021

“Kudos to the Afghani people,” Says The It’s About Times Picayune“Bring it on!” says Taliban spokesinmate. “We always beat the best you got, cholo.”

Tour de France Fugitive Granted Asylum At Mar A Lago

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Woman Blames Democrat Grandma & Grandpa For Making Her Do itKaren “Tim” O’Leary, the female spectator believed responsible for Saturday’s horrific crash at the Tour de France, has reportedly been granted asylum at former president Turdwaffle’s Mar A Lago estate after she swore on a stack of his autographed...

I Don't Want To Take Too Much Credit

Saturday, June 26, 2021

But I Arrived In Portland On August 9, 1981When I finished packing the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat (along with Lucy Juice & several of our favorite perennial herbs) into the 67 Mustang I was towing behind the U-Haul on the morning of August 2 or 3 in 1981, it was already...

Flash Floods Hammer Portland During Record Heat Wave

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Proud Boys Blame Rising Water On Sudden Collapse Of Liberal Snowflake Ice Shelf Near Powell’s BooksAs the death toll continues to rise in the Pacific Northwest from liberal-induced climate change, the region awoke to new danger as tens of thousands of liberal snowflakes in the West Hills, Alameda,...

I Got Vaccinated & Wear A Mask

Friday, June 25, 2021

Are You So Happy You Do Neither?Well, good for you. I’m sure you are well-insured & have your entire life planned as efficiently as the one you’ve been raised into. What could go wrong? 
The truth is, I don’t know you. Why would I give a fuck if you disappeared? If I gave a fuck about even a tenth...

Turdwaffle Declares Himself Winner In NYC Dem Primary

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

QAnon Write-In Campaign Beats All Antifa Candidates“This is my first step to becoming Speaker of the House in 2023,” America’s favorite Killer Klown announced in a spam e-mail this morning to his alleged 400 million Russian GOP voters, despite official tallies that have yet to reveal a single vote...

QAnon Shaman Rioted For The Sins Of All Americans, Says Lawyer

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Americans Should Reward His Selfless SacrificeRecent polling of average Americans asking if they support giving the QAnon shaman a Medal of Freedom indicates most Americans couldn’t give a fat rat’s booty about t.

Calamari Harassed by Squiddies

Monday, June 21, 2021

Former Turdwaffle Bodyguard Netted In Vance Investigation? When it comes to the Trump family, the first question should always be: “How many ways do you know to evade taxes without getting caught? Just asking, because this ain’t one of them.”

Gays Not Covered By Florida Anti-Protestor Law

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Desantis Clarifies Rule Of LawWhen quintessential #FloridaMan  & Governor McRonald DeSantis  signed HB 1 into law on April 19th of this year, he probably didn’t expect  that the first test of his so-called “Anti-Riot Act” would arrive when a drunken member of the Fort Lauderdale Gay Men’s Chorus accidently...

When Will Mr. Pillow Produce Wuhan Lab Evidence?

Saturday, June 19, 2021

Right Wing Fact Creator Calls For Investigation“There’s no way this coronavirus hoax jumped from bats to hunans,” Mike Lindell told Jordan Klepper in an outtake from The Daily Show interview below. “Some of my best friends are bats,” Mikey smiled, “and the rest of bat-shit crazy!”

CNN Claims "The Republican Party's Mission: Whitewash The Trump Presidency"

Friday, June 18, 2021

As If It Wasn’t Already White EnoughYou can read all about it on CNN Politics.

Apologist Agrees To Apologize To Critic Of Previous Apology

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Disagrees They Agreed To DisagreeAccording to sources close to the situation, she is keenly “disappointed in myself. Consequently, I will be taking some time away from myself to be with my family.”

Most Overlooked Stories of 2020

Monday, June 14, 2021

Nazi Voted Out Of White House Tops Pataphysical ListThe Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Landromat is proudly tripping over its schwantz today while unveiling its 125th annual list of overlooked stories that should have changed the course of human civilization, but did not, because...

Slavitt Suggests Trump As Bad As Reagan

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Former Biden Aide Cites COVID FailuresDuring an interview with “Faceplanting the Nation” this morning, Uncle Sleepy Joe Biden’s former senior adviser to the COVID-19 triage softball team suggested the failures of The President of the Q-Anon States of America in bungling the handling of our COVID debacle...

Second Coming Drowns Thousands In Red States

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Jesus Comes Out As LGBTQApologizing for His delay in coming back to gather up the faithful as many widely believe He promised 2021 years ago, the Son Of God expressed surprise at the rabid hordes of straight, dull, assholes who claim to believe in Him while acting in diametric opposition to his message...

So Nearman Is So Far Away

Friday, June 11, 2021

Shalalala shalalaOregon legislature breaks a boot off in Mikey “He Thinks We’ll Eat Anything” Nearman’s ass for conspiring to let right wing nutjobs into the state house to make a point about something pointless.
He claims he did it because he believes closing the state house to the public during...

Ilhan Omar Condemned For Stating The Obvious

Friday, June 11, 2021

Suspected Terrorist Representative Refuses To ApologizeAmericans demand retribution after uppity Muslim states the obvious, which Nazis like to call “false equivalencies.”

Mitch McManchin Protects Plantation Economy

Monday, June 7, 2021

Old White Senator Mishears LyricsAccording to Vito Bomboni, a fugitive YU News Service journalist who helped copy edit Senator Manchin’s op ed explaining his critical white race theory, the entire news room hummed along as the demented solon tweeted with his colon for accompaniment & sang his favorite...

They Can Run...

Saturday, June 5, 2021

But They Can’t HydeThe Georgia Republican Party is meeting on  Jekyll Island this weekend to censure Repugnicunt Secretary of State Brad Raffensberger, who continues to refuse to kiss Donald Trump’s penis ring.
Raffensberger is quick to rejoin that “this entire Lord Of The Ring thing is just a scam....

Dr. Faustroll Declares Trump Blog "Freeze-Dried Santorum"

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Another Great Imaginary Solution To A Uniquely Imaginary American ProblemOne-term twice-impeached Andrew Jackson impersonator, Dandy Don Turdwaffle recently ended his latest attempt to escape irrelevance when a few rogue coffee-boys announced his blog has been permanently shut down because of continued...

King Ubu Jr. Mobilizes Olympic Denial Team

Friday, June 4, 2021

Dr. Phillip Pihl-Hill
Consulting Enabler
Pataphysical Medical Syndrome
WASHINGTON (PMS) – To help the public refocus its attention on George W. Bush's reelection campaign war against John Kerry and the memory of JFK, National Sekurity Deviser Condomsqueezer...

Former President Turdwaffle Shutters Blog

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

Blames Melania For Mixed Messaging
Sources close to the former twice-impeached first idiot & Mikey “He’ll Eat Anything” Cohen’s unindicted co-conspirator are attempting to convey varying explanations for why the former failed Fuhrer-In-Waiting has abandoned a blog that had yet to break the second...

Pro-Pot Laws Blamed For Canine Slaughter

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Turns Out You Can’t Teach A Dog New TricksThe same people who like to say: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” are also the kinds of moderates who caution against any change to the status quo “until you’ve ruled out every possible unintended consequence.” 
These are also the same people who are saying...

@DoctorFaustroll Twitter Motherfucker Loves You This You Know

Monday, May 31, 2021

Ted Stevens’ System Of Interweb Tubes To Nowhere Tells You So

I Should Have Been An Insurrectionist

Saturday, May 29, 2021

I’d Still Be On TwitterYou asked
,so I answered
Is this what qualifies as a doozy in these Twit-filled end times?

She's Killing Me Softly

Thursday, May 27, 2021

I Wish Zappa Had Her In One Of His BandsSerendipity is often surreptitious in the way it justifies the cod’s way to man. As everyone knows: If you give a man a fish, he can have a decent meal, but if you teach a man to fish, he won’t stop until the ocean is completely devoid of all life.
As a demonstrably...

Bad Guys With Guns Officially Declared Pandemic

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

CDC & DHS To Conduct Root Cause AnalysisAfter unnamed sources released a report suggesting that the excess deaths over the background body count indicates more than 900,000 Americans have already succumbed to the Kung Flu, the NRA now insists that the recent surge in gun violence may be yet another...

Speaking Of Feckless Cunts

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

The Appeal Goes OnWhat can I say? I’m just living the dream I embarked on in the third grade when Mrs. Criscola asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up & I said: “Cruel.”

Marco Polo Has Been Replaced

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

By "Feckless Cunt” In New Kancel Kulchur Kid GameBy now, everyone who matters on planet Earth is aware that I have been temporarily suspended from Twitter by some pantywaist whose knickers got bunched so tightly they were mistaken for benign polyps during one of Jack’s random colonoscopy drug tests....

Damn, Jack. How Much You Spending To Monitor My Blog?

Monday, May 24, 2021

Why Not Use Auto-Reply?As my @DoctorFaustroll temporary suspension approaches its turd month anniversary, the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Lanudromat is calling upon all its imaginary staff & clientele to ask themselves this simple question: “If COVID is actually a vascular disease,...

As If Covid Was Not Enough

Thursday, May 20, 2021

You Ready For Flying Salt Shakers Of Death?
Have you eaten your daily allotment of cicadas & gotten your daily recommended amount of insect-based protein? Surely you’ve heard by now of the peak cicada bloom in mid-Atlantic & Midwestern states, which is about to reach alternative biblical proportions....

How To Ensure Everyone Stands For The Pledge Of Allegiance

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Let’s Just Change It From “The Star-Spangled Banana” To “Dick Around”Sure, our current anthem is based on an old English drinking song, but it no longer evokes the grandiloquence of the supply side plantation economy & community police state whose freedumbocracy we’ve gleefully endured for the 40 years...

Countdown To 700 Thousand, Day 1!

Sunday, May 16, 2021

The Coronavirus Hoax Goes On!A regular feature of my suspended Twitter feed was regular updates to the Totally Preventable Body Count that you should be able to search for on  Jack’s personal piggy bank using #CountdownTo100Thousand, #CountdownTo200Thousand, & so on, but you won’t find anything these...

Hey, Hey, NRA!

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

ARE YOU HAVING A BAD FUCKING DAY?Are the courts trying to pry back the rule of law from the rule of lawyers? 
Judge Harlan Hale, a Dubya Bush appointee, has dismissed Wayne Lapierre’s brazen attempt to use bankruptcy law to avoid dissolution in New York, where the NRA has been a very profitable...

Happy 2nd Month Suspension Anniversary to Doctor Faustroll!

Friday, May 7, 2021

I Can’t Remember If Concrete Boots Is The Proper GiftOr Concrete Blonde.

Getting ready to file a new appeal in case my personal Twitter intern is getting bored. Here's the screen that greeted me when I clicked a link this morning:

What a bunch of oxymaroons Jack has working for...

I Got An Email From Gascon

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

So I Made Gasconade

#AmericaFirst Again With Guinnesss Book of World Records

Sunday, May 2, 2021

“Gun Culture” Climbs To Top Of Greatest Oxymorons ListThe panel offered no explanation for why “American Democracy” has been replaced by a favorite NRA & GOP talking point in opposition to ending the mass shootings that have kept citizens of the nation’s #SupplySide #PlantationEconomy working diligently...

CDC Advises Against Playing Jackpot Lottery Games

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Bloodclot Victims Were All Lottery Winners
Following a ten-day pause in administering the  Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine, the United States Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) determined that vaccinations with the company’s  single-shot vaccine will resume...

We're Still Stupid & Contagious

Monday, April 19, 2021

Here We Are Now, Kurt Cobain Us!It’s been a month & a half now since Twitter allegedly temporarily suspended my account for non-payment of sufficient deference.
I can only allege this suspension exists, because appeals & queries to Jack’s orifice, using Twitter’s official forms about this situation...

Poor Dickhead's Almanac

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Why God Didn’t Give Assholes Eyes?Hindsight is only 20/20 when you are short on  foresight.

Free the PPOCLL HQ 666!

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

We Were Just KiddingIsn’t an insincere apology enough to pacify these #SupplySide #PlantationEconomy nimrods anymore? They already own 99% of existence.
It’s not just @DoctorFaustroll who has run afoul of Twitter’s Kolonic Kancel Kulchur in recent weeks. The official Portland Pataphysical Outpatient...


Tuesday, April 13, 2021

But #IToldYouSo FirstIf I wasn’t already on the 5th week of a temporary Twitter suspension that normally lasts 7 days, I might be posting this #ExistentialTrickQuestion to America’s short-term memory-challenged citizenry:
Has anyone considered issuing police officers only tasers to avoid the inevitable...

I Is Heavy Bored

Monday, April 12, 2021

How Do The Cantos Match Up Against The Dream Songs?& equally important: Who the fuck cares? 
I’m betting not John Berryman.

Matt Gaetz Stands For All Brave Pedophiles

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Even better, he’s betting there are millions of Americans just like him "who feel forgotten, canceled, ignored, marginalized and targeted."
Thank God he draws confidence knowing that the silent majority is growing a little stiffy every day.

The Triumph Of Nancy Reagan Is Trending On Twitter

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Hell Angles On The Gypsy JokersIn what some are hailing as the Devil getting her due, Old Rummy Reagan’s main squeeze is revealed to be a motorcycle hippie.

It's My Twitter Suspension Anniversary!

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

These temporary suspensions have a way of hanging around like a bad case of drug-resistant clap. Today marks one month since I wadded the knickers up the asscrack of some nimrod or other for suggesting that the title of Ivanka’s forthcoming memoir about her White House grifting should be called “Once...

Yeast Is Risen!

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Was It Something I Yeats’d?I see the former douché has stirred from his bunker to proclaim that all good #Repugnicunts should cum to the AIDS of their party & boycott responsible civic-minded businesses.
That’s the entire post.
Fuck him & his supporters, including Jesus, if that dumb prick is...


Saturday, April 3, 2021

Why Have I Never Seen This Video Before?I’ve just been listening to Tuvan throat singers again, & I never expected to find that sound in a nirvana track, but here it is. 
For #TheDeadBeats.

Who's The April Fool Now?

Thursday, April 1, 2021

I Still Get Notifications From Twitter #Resisters Despite My SuspensionI don’t know if there is a sympathetic intern forwarding me information for a future lawsuit or if someone is trying tactfully to tell me what I did to get suspended in the first place, since Jack & his Trumpeters have yet to let...

April Is Free Cruller Month!

Thursday, April 1, 2021

Get Yours At Drunken Doughnutz!
Who did you say, #TheDeadBeats?

Major Biden Admits He Is #Antifa

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Presidential Pup Apprehended With MAGA Supporter In His TeethCongressional Republicans are calling for an investigation into recent attacks by Major on members of the White Supremacist Caucus. “As former president George Bush liked to say,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel said Monday on the floor...

Before The Trump Abomination

Monday, March 29, 2021

Obamination: The Jig Is UpOriginally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 21, 2009
Our premise: Pataphysics, the science of imaginary solutions, was invented by Alfred Molina Jarry in the late 1800s to explain why the world was...

Frog legs with iguana and fresh herbs

Monday, March 29, 2021

How To Eat Alt WhiteOriginally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Phood, phoolishness, and phrivolity February 22, 2009
It has been brought to my attention by several readers that I have not offered much help to fledgling pataphysique admirers who want to remain svelte and healthy as they...

Chauvinists Defend Chauvin

Monday, March 29, 2021

“He Was Only Taking A Knee!"Fresh from her recent stint as High Priestess Of All The Former Guy's Dominion, fugitive lawyer Sydney Powell weighed in on the trial of former police officer Derek Chauvin this morning from an undisclosed location in a colorful phone call to Fox & Friends.
After calling...

Trump Blasts Biden For Press Conference Lie

Thursday, March 25, 2021

"He’s Not That Old!" Dotard Shouts From ExileLoudspeakers at Mar A Lago blared former guy Donald Trump’s displeasure at Joe Biden’s first press conference this morning.
“If I can be honest. And I just, again, I want to thank you for tuning in to Trump Twitters, which was Jared’s idea for a fogcast...

Help Me Shape Twitter's Future

Monday, March 22, 2021

Shining ThroughPerhaps my time in Twitter exile is about to run out. It has been 15 days since my feckless cunt suspension began, but Jack apparently still hopes I will return to the fold as a good sociable sheeple.

So I gladly participated in this harmless exercise in time-wasting trends....

Whither Has It fled The Visionary Gleam?

Monday, March 15, 2021

Inquiring minds want to knowUnnamed sources in the wild on Twitter have suggested it was not the feckless cunt posting that had me omitted for being so meddlesome, after all. Exhibit A from a sleeper account taken earlier today.

The following screen capture was encountered after clicking the...

Doctor Faustroll Is Dead

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

He Died With His Chains OnHe was warned. He was given an explanation. Nevertheless, he resisted.
The first inkling...

Then things got weird...

I nearly farted...

And then the final blow, apparently at the hands of Jack in defense of the honor of the feckless cunt herself


Daddy, Did You Go To The Insurrection?

Monday, February 1, 2021

American Family ValuesAfter years of marketing themselves as the party of American #FamilyValues, the GOP finds itself today trying to distance itself from the racism, bigotry, ignorance, brutality, & viciousness that is often at the core of those family values or is employed in the furtherance of...

Whose Inauguration Should I Go To?

Friday, December 18, 2020

The #Impeached #Loser Won’t Go AwayI subscribe to many right-wing email lists to understand what the average American idiot is being exposed to every day by America’s post-apocalyptic Nazi media. That’s how I found out about  President-Eject Donald Trump’s plan to hold his own inauguration on January...

Alvie Bach

Monday, December 7, 2020

The #YageKushRebellionThe hashtag #FlySwattingParty is a snide tribute to Joseph Campbell, who once described pornography in a conversation as "advertising intended to make uneducated consumers lust over goods designed to do them only harm,” which reminds me of a Zappa lyric from the Bongo Fury album...

The Proof Is In The Putzpulling

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Twitter ShadowbanningTwitter doesn’t just #Shadowban users, it also lies about its own search results. 
Here are just a few #FlySwattingParty posts I’ve sbmitted in the past few weeks to let the imaginary world know which flies are worth swatting, & I’ve been using this hashtag since I created it...

How Twitter Censors My Shit

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Reality’s #FlySwattingPartyTry searching Twitter for #FlySwattingParty & see if you get different results.
I suspect Twitter is preventing this hashtag from showing up in results because it lists hundred of toxic nimrods & #Repugnicunt operatives I’ve #Blocked to make my timeline less toxic.

Music Is The Best

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Please Mr. CusterWhen I was a kid, I loved novelty songs, the sillier the better. From “Purple People Eater” to “Ahab The Arab” to endless comedy compilations where dumb stories were told using snippets from popular doo-wop songs, I couldn’t laugh hard or long enough at what I heard on the radio, so...

Twitter's War On Truth

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Mutually Assured Distraction I began my latest Twitter suspension a couple of days ago. I no longer appeal these suspensions. I embrace them.
It’s not like I haven’t been warned, repeatedly...

As I post this, I’m still many hours from being able to yank Twitter’s chain again.