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Tweets from Cassandra Widdershin's Blood Lion

Ivanka Tells Jan. 6 Panel She Can't Testify Because Agreements For Chinese Trademarks

Thursday, January 20, 2022

I’d Like To Help But My Lawyers Tell Me I Signed An NDA“I’m such a ditz,” the former first daughter told the biased Democrats conducting a partisan investigation into unsubstantiated claims that her father had intimate knowledge of plans to foment the failed insurrection that left hundreds injured...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Leave Country Unless He Is Reinstated

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

What Good Is Winning In A Landslide If Antifa Won’t Let Me Rule?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the epitome of American Family Values, Donald J. Turdwaffle, responded today to news that Eric, the son he sired with the help of Gary Busey jumping up & down on his buttocks, pleaded...

Matt Gaetz Blasts Sex-Trafficking Investigators

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

How Come I Can’t Get Immunity?After the alleged former girlfriend of staunch Turdwaffle ally, Rep. Matt  Gaetz (R-Word, FL), was granted immunity last week to testify about her knowledge of his alleged sex-trafficking of minors at Mar-A-Lago, the widely mocked congressprick took to social media to...

Bibi Netanyahoo Close To Plea Deal In Corruption Trial

Sunday, January 16, 2022

Claims He Was Was Promised A Pardon For moving US Embassy To Jerusalem“A deal is a deal,” the former Prime Minister told YU Finance reporter Happy Clie Torres, revealing that the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & inflamed racist sphincter Donald J. Turdwaffle had engaged in more illegal...

Trump Takes Credit For Omnicron Surge

Thursday, January 13, 2022

I Told You That Testing Would Make The Numbers Go Up“Do you miss me now?” America’s favorite twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around douchebag asks rhetorically.

My Pillow CEO Says He Has Enough Evidence To Put 350 Million Americans In Jail

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

You Have No Idea How Big This Fraud Thing Really Is“People selling their babies, hoodlums breaking into dropboxes, liberals thinking they know so much, you name it,” said the My Pillow guy at a hastily called news conference in a local Wendy’s, “I’ve seen it all.”
“Everything you’re going to see...

Dolphins Have A Fully Functional Clitoris, Swingers Find

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

America Has A Bold New Market For Industrial-Strength Sex Toys!During the ongoing pandemic, our nation of miserable fucks’ sexually adventurous have pursued new & potentially illegal forms of gratification to comply with local COVID restrictions.
One of these interspecies relationships led to...

New Necronomnicron Variant May Be Deadliest Yet

Monday, January 10, 2022

Pataphysicians Call It The Crowley ClapAs a Darwinian percentage of supposedly educated human beings continue to reject vaccines & other measures developed to slow the spread of a highly contagious disease that kills 2% of those it first makes mad, Dr. Faustroll’s crack team of epidemonologists, led...

Eldest Trump Children Won't Comply With Subpoenas From New York Attorney General, Citing White Executive Privilege

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr & Ivanka Claim Political & Religious Persecution By ProsecutorAs New York Attorney General Letitia “La Bron” James continues to widen her investigation into fraud by the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s family & businesses, Turdwaffle’s adult children are pushing...

Elizabeth Holmes Claims TKO Victory In Fraud Cases

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

I Was Innocent Of A Clear Majority Of Charges, So I WinAnnouncing her intention to sue to recover legal expenses related to her lengthy trial, Theranos founder and one-time professional Steve Jobs impersonator, Elizabeth Holmes declared “complete and total vindication” today after jurors returned guilty...

Trump To Launch Ashli Babbitt Monument Fund On January 6

Monday, January 3, 2022

Promises Pardons For All On MAGA Martyr Day*Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Pullputzer Award-winning author of The Epic of KuklaM*A*S*H, Donald J. Turdwaffle, has doubled down on his intention to make January 6 a national holiday & day of remembrance for his fallen followers by inviting...

DeSantis Denies He Gave Wife Cancer

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Claims They Signed A Prenup That Excludes Cancer & COVIDAfter rumors that Florida’s governor was being held for ransom while COVID hospitalizations & deaths in the state soared, spokesNazis at the Fuchs News, NudistMaxipad, & ONAN propaganda networks claimed liberals & antifa should be ashamed for...

There Is No Gravity

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

The Earth Really Does Suck!And we made it that way! Whoopee for us!

At Last @DoctorFaustroll Is Permanently Banned From Twitter

Monday, December 27, 2021

That’s One More Thing He Can Scratch Off His Fuck It ListCan new appeal to the Benevolent Order of Twits be far behind?

Candace Owens Calls Turdwaffle Too Old To Talk With

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Thinks He’s Been Brainwashed By Liberal VaxxersCandace Owens was apparently as surprised as any far-right anti-vaxxer nutjob would be when former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & occasional horse-dewormer salesman Donald J. Turdwaffle suddenly praised himself for inventing vaccines and proclaiming...

Brandon Files Class Action Suit Against Fox News Alleging Harassment

Friday, December 24, 2021

Why Not Chant Let’s Go Tucker, Fuckers?Brandon has a point.

Contents Of Time Capsule Removed From Robert E. Lee Statue Pedestal Revealed

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Water Damaged Artifacts Include MAGA Cap, Copy Of Art Of The Deal, & Confederate FlagUntil the monstrous statue of the American Nazi Party’s favorite general of all time, Gen. Robert E. Lee, was torn from its moorings in Richmond earlier this year, no one realized there were several time capsules concealed...

Turdwaffle Determined To Prove Democracy Is Just A Game

Monday, December 20, 2021

He Knows More About The Rule Of Lawyers Than AnyoneIs there anyone who still thinks the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator wasn’t only in the White House for the money? He spent four years avoiding criminal and civil prosecution, claiming the American people expected him to devote his...

Ghislaine Maxwell Asks Court To Be Called 'Madam Epstein' Instead Of 'Defendant'

Saturday, December 18, 2021

Petitions Judge To Refer To Her As Madam Epstein In Jury Instructions To Prevent Prejudicing Their Opinion Against HerJudge says “Sure, Anything else you need, Ghislaine?”

I Never Once Suspected I Might Know More Than Denzel Washington

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

But Even I Know Who Damson Idris IsHe’s some guy Denzel had never heard of. Am I right?