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OpenQuoteMark

He’s the best of course of all the worst

Some wrong’s been done, he done it first.

Frank Zappa,

“The Torture Never Stops"

Former Aide To Meadows Says Trump Tried To Carjack His Motorcade On Jan 6

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Feeding Frenzy Ensues Among GOP Presidential HopefulsAs the House January 6 Select Committee continued to fire nails into the fake crucifix upon which former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and kind of guy who forgets to bring the fake rope to his fake lynching, Donald Grabito Pussolini,...

Study Finds Americans Unprepared For Surviving Oil Industry-Induced Extinction Event

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

As Cryptocurrencies Crash, The Only Safe Investments Seem To Be Shoulder-Launched Rockets, AR-Style Rifles, & Shitloads Of AmmoMost Americans woud rather die than abandon the Second Amendment to the God’s Own Ten Commandments, according to the latest Fox News poll of likely insurrectionists.
#T...

Marjoe Faylure Malaprop Blames Tampon Shortage On Trannie Hoarders

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Freshman Georgia Dingbat Calls Tampon Supply Chain Issues A New “Holocaust On Women”Freshman Rep. Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) told a gathering of Old Biddies Minding Everybody Else’s Bidnez in Cornelia this morning that the latest disease to jump from the “Chinese peach tree dish” to the backdoor...

James Webb Space Telescope Side-Swiped By Tesla SpaceX Roadster

Friday, June 10, 2022

Elon Musk Calls Report Fake NewsHours after NASA reporting to the new James Webb Space Telescope was struck by micrometeroids believed to be remnants of the original spooge ejected from God’s micropenis during the Big Bang, the European Space Agency reported that eyewitness accounts of the incident...

Navarro Lashes Out At Jan. 6 Investigations In Court

Saturday, June 4, 2022

You Sons Of Bitches Are Really Starting To Piss Me OffPeter “Gunner” Navarro, former White House trade adivsor for Grabito Pussolini, the twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and allegedly the first man to give hands a bad name, was arraigned today on two misdemeanor counts of contempt of Congress....

Fact Check

Monday, May 30, 2022

Uvalde Is Not Another Word For VulvaJust wanted to get the word out before the rumors start…

Only In America, Land Of Great Stupidity

Thursday, May 26, 2022

“What Place Is This?” Ask Professional American IdiotsCarlo M. Cipolla, another greasy Italian who drove a red car like Studebaker Hawk, published the piece this video summarizes in 1988, shortly after reading The One Minute President (Pour Souls Press, 1987), a book that extolled the exceptional power...

If God Had Meant For Anything To Be Sacred

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Why Has He Forced Me To Live This Long?Just kidding. I know god doesn’t exist. I have eyes.
This was just another #ExistentialTrickQuestion nobody asked you in school, although I’ve been alive forever.

Reaganomics Created The Baby Formula Shortage

Sunday, May 15, 2022

The Supply-Side Plantation Economy Is Finally Hitting Its Stride
While everyone is busy blaming the Biden Administration for the shortage of baby formula to feed a growing population of unwanted fetuses carried to term because that’s #TheAmericanWay, the seeds of this totally preventable mass...

Russia Applies For NATO Membership

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Seeks Protection From Ukrainian Defense ForcesAccording to unnamed sources at Mar A Lago, Vlad the Impudent, one of the GOP’s most reliable donors, has told Truth Social that “I am no dummy. As you Americans often say: ‘If you can’t annihiliate them, join them.’"

Abbott Says Texas Could 'Resurrect' SCOTUS Case Requiring States To Educate All Kids

Thursday, May 12, 2022

‘Fucking Rug Rats” Are Not Mentioned In The Constitution Says Helms On Wheels Mini-MeWasting no time mining the recent leak of a Supreme Court draft ruling by Sam The Sham Alito flushing abortion rights down the sewer like an unwanted fetus past its expiry date, Gov. Bud Abbott (R-Word, TX) announced...

Cawthorn Addresses Video Released By Opposition Group Showing Him Naked In Bed ‘Being Crass’

Thursday, May 5, 2022

NC Rep. Takes To Twitter To Defend His Right To PrivacyEmbattled Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) took time off from his busy schedule of pushing the limits of the Second Amendment, promoting the Russian invasion of Ukraine, and redefining common decency for those uneducated Christians...

Before I Get Too Far In The Weeds Over SCROTUMS Overturning Roe V. Wade

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

This Is About Retaining American Family Values. Read The Fucking Leaked DocumentIn the great American tradition of we no can do since things ain’t broke, ain’t no need to fix them, Justice Sam The Sham Alito, an appointee of President Fubar W. Bush, lays shit out as clearly and plainly as former twice-impeached...

Wake Up And Smell The #Covfefe, America!

Friday, April 29, 2022

Must Be Close To Over When I See The Old White Fat Fucker Is Singing AgainAnyone been by Troop Central lately? I hear the failed führer is getting wordy…

Former President Promises Pardon For Judge Who Lifted Mask Mandate

Sunday, April 24, 2022

She’s A Very Fine Person With A Great Pussy, Former Führer Tells Rally CrowdFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the guy who allegedly ordered a hit on Vice President Mikey “He’ll Eat Anything” Pence on Jan 6, 2021, Grabito Pussolini told a rabid crowd of uneducated moderates at a rally...

I'm Gonna Harden My Farts

Friday, April 22, 2022

I’m Gonna Squeak Till You SquealI keep reading and hearing all this bullshit about how something during the reign of dictator-tot terror by our former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the weird uncle you and your siblings really wanted to shut the fuck up with extreme prejudice one Thanksgiving...

So Many People Are Asking: How Often Should I Tan My Balls?

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Can I Schedule A Session With A Pedicure?I just got a robocall saying the local Great Clips offers a complete testosterone boosting program guaranteed to improve your self-esteem and decision-making skills, including taint restoration, knob polishing, and nut sack solar irradiation for a monthly subscription...

Florida Rejects 54 Math Books, Claiming Critical Race Theory Appeared In Some

Monday, April 18, 2022

Others Contained Gay, Islam, Woke, Jewish, Or Communism EquationsGov. Ron DeSantis (R-Word, FL) announced Monday morning at a Dunkin Donuts press conference that the state department of education has rejected 54 mathematics textbooks for its K-12 curriculum, saying his watchdog group had uncovered...

A New Covid Breath Mint Holds Promise, But Wide Use May Still Be Far Off

Friday, April 15, 2022

Hopes To Gain Market Share In The Lucrative COVID Alternative Healthcare SegmentLooking to capitalize on the average uneducated American’s preference for poopadoodle over proven disease prevention and care, a small crypto-financed company is now offering Phlegmish Master Medicinals, CBD-based breath...

Is It Too Late To Consider Insurance Options In Our Age Of Extinction?

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Do You Think God Killed The Dinosaurs For Saying Gay At A Pre-School In Florida?#ExistentialTrickQuestions

PPOCLL Needs Your Help

Friday, April 8, 2022

We Have No Idea What For, If Not To Grift, Which Is Not One Of Our Core CompetenciesHere is the only wisdom I have to impart: The only thing to be ashamed about is hiding how stupid you are behind a barrage of stupid shit you heard at church, at the dinner table, or read on the Internet. Even an imaginary...

Gaetz Blasts Military Wokeism In Shouting Match With US Depends Secretary

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

General Steve Austin Tells Gaetz And His Comatose Buddies To Fuck ThemselvesAs our nation of miserable fucks continues its inexorable sleepwalk toward extinction, the GOP insists that being extinct or comatose is preferable to being “woke,” whatever the fuck that means.

US Agency Acknowledges Damage To Dinosaur Tracks In Utah

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Our Bad. Sorry. What You Gonna Do About It Bitches?According to reports we have no intention of verifying, heavy machinery used to produce campaign and fund-raising videos for former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini and several of his poopyheaded Repugnicunt allies irreparably...

Herschel Walker Corrects Record On Claim He Graduated In Top 1% Of Georgia Class

Thursday, March 31, 2022

I Meant To Say Wharton Business SchoolHell, anyone can pay to be in the 1% at Wharton. It’s their entire brand identity.
Isn’t that where former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite failed insurrectionist studied to win his Nobel Prize?

Vagina 'Ginni' Thomas Says She Hardly Ever Speaks To Her Husband

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Says Pro-Insurrection Texts Cannot Be Conflict Of Interest“Fake news,” Ginger Vagina “Ginni” Thomas (R-Word, at large), long time main squeeze of hospitalized Supreme Court Judge Clarence “Pube Tube” Thomas shouted back at reporters as she ducked into her armor-plated Mini Cooper this morning.
Judge...

It's NDA Violation Time!

Friday, March 25, 2022

Trust Me, Dimwits, This Hurts You More Than It Does MeOr did I get that backwards? I can never remember how cause and effect is supposed to work, especially since the idea seems to be totally made up.
So twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite neo-Confederate general,...

I Awoke The Night That Attica Happened And Wrote A Poem

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

It Was A Long Poem That The Arkansas MFA Workshop Did Not LikeIt’s not like the Arkansas MFA Workshop thought much about my other stuff either, but the feedback for this poem reinforced my commitment to wield #TheTerribleSwiftianSword with complete commitment to equality in terms of Truth Social, injustice,...

Some Of My Best Friends Were Suicides

Monday, March 21, 2022

There’s Nothing Like A Truly Lasting Commitment To Something Greater Than OneselfAt least that’s what I’ve been led to accept as business as usual in our nation of miserable fucks.
I gave up trying to find a reason to believe before I was unceremoniously forced out of the womb less than a year...

If Ginni Thomas Poisoned Hubby Clarence

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Why Has No One Else Asked This Question?Not even on Fox News…
If you were about to leave a comment about how insensitive, inappropriate, and inopportune this post is, don’t fool yourself. It’s winking at you.

Fauci Rumored To Flee Country As New Wave Of COVID Threatens Uneducated Americans

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Sometimes Discretion Is The Only Fully-Refundable Kind Of Valor Available To The Proudly Uninformed In Our Nation Of Miserable FucksAs America closes in on one million deadbeat corpses from the Democrat coronavirus hoax, (or as Turdwaffle’s heavily-armed supporters call it, the Kung Flu), it appears...

Forbes Magazine Gives Humanity 13 Years To Find A New Home

Thursday, March 17, 2022

And No I Am Not KiddingYou don’t have to believe me. Good for you. I don’t believe in anything myself. But just look at these screen shots. 
 
I don’t whether to call this an act of master clickbaiting or click masterbaiting.

Here’s a link to the whole sordid clickturbatory story,...

Fox Threatens To Sue Russia For Tucker Carlson Re-Broadcasts

Monday, March 14, 2022

This Is The Equivalent Of Taxation Without Reciprocal RemediationThe Murdoch family served notice to Vladimir Putin this morning that they going to play hardball over the Kremlin’s routine unedited rebroadcast of the Tucker Carlson show. “That’s our baby, Vlad,” Dilbert “Goombah” Murdoch texted Putin...

Taxpayers Spending $2 Million Protecting Little Mikey Pompeo

Sunday, March 13, 2022

$2 Million Here, $2 Million There. Pretty Soon You’re Talking Serious MoneyWhere do I sign up to stop paying my share to protect this pompeous windbag? I have no quarrel with Iran. If Mikey does, he should handle it on his own dime.

Box Of Human Heads Stolen In Denver

Monday, March 7, 2022

Lorena Boebert Demands Family’s Safe ReturnAfter years of being accused by critics of keeping her head up her ass for safe-keeping while her seditious sphincter did the talking, Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) decided to do something about it.
She hired Bomboni Brothers Cryogenics to store the...

You Been Lubed By Toobin: Rubbing American Raw

Thursday, March 3, 2022

CNN Launches New Self-Help ShowKeep your eyes averted unless you like what’s cumming…

4 Year-Old Commits Suicide In Shopping Cart At Publix

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Grabs Handgun From Mother’s Purse After Being Denied Box Of Frosted FlakesKaren Trump, 31, was arrested & charged with reckless endangerment after her son Donald killed himself in the checkout line at a Miami area Publix this morning.
Witnesses say “the kid was a complete brat, whining, and throwing...

Psaki Hacks Through Big Oil Arguments For Lowering Prices At The Pump

Monday, February 28, 2022

Now Is Not The Time To Add To Our Climate Problems By Encouraging The Use Of Fossil FuelsWhite House Press Secretary Jen Psaki stopped short of calling several professional reporters “preening assholes” this morning as they pressed the administration to open the strategic oil reserves and suspend gas...

Pataphysical Lawyers Consider Suing Turdwaffle For Trademark Infringement

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Nobody Says Americans Are Dumb Better Than The Team Who Trademarked ‘Nation of Miserable Fucks™’ To Describe Our Uneducated Cuntrymen And TitsasFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & adult diaper who’s had too much adulation for his own good, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle, came dangerously...

Long COVID Is Just Getting Started. Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks Is Not Ready For It

Saturday, February 26, 2022

#IToldYouSo
Oh yes I fucking told you so, but you never listen to me.
And THAT, ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls, is the original original sin.
It don’t matter what you believe or where you read it.
You just never listen.
So fuck you.
Forever for evermore.
Just kidding.

Arizona GOP Governor Douchebag Defends Backing White Nationalist Candidate

Saturday, February 26, 2022

If We Keep De-Nazifying The GOP Pretty Soon We’ll Run Out Of The Moderates That Made Our Country GreatGov. Doug Douchebag (R-Word, AZ) scolded reporters today for asking him mean questions about his support for avowed white nationalist state Sen. Wendy “Wet Willy” Rogers (R-Word, Corncob)  just to...

If God Had Meant For Life To Be Fair Why Did He Create Middle Management?

Friday, February 25, 2022

That Was The Original Title Of My Doctoral DissertationMy editors had a different idea.  They changed it to “Now There Is Only You.”
Now that I am wiser than shit and older than I ever expected to be, it’s too late to apologize to my editors, because I seem to have outlived them all by drinking...

Pro-Turdwaffle Repugnicunt Freedumb Convoy Promises to 'De-Nazify' Washington

Friday, February 25, 2022

We’re Dumb As Hell & We’Re Not Gonna Take It Anymore!Proving once again that no stone is too small for American idiots to emerge from under, thousands of #AltReich supporters of racist family values & other heavily-armed dead-enders promise to bring hundreds of toxic diesel-spewing climate change enabling...

Turdwaffle Praises Putin's Peacekeeping Strategy In Ukraine

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

We Should Try This On The Southern BorderFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and professional political whoopee cushion, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle, called Russian president Vladimir Putin a “genius” and “chemo saavy” this morning for recognizing the independence of two breakaway eastern...

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Calls For Overthrow Of Leftist Constitution

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Rep Says Democrats Are Trying To Steal His JobFreshman insurrectionist Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) wept openly on a Fucked News special with Tucker Carlson asking his uneducated viewers: “Isn’t it about time we take back our constitution from the liberals and bring back our great heritage...

Turdwaffle Cuts A Floodablast On Precedent's Day

Monday, February 21, 2022

This Is When I Get Reinstated Right?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Melania’s #BeBest sugar-daddy, Donald J. Turdwaffle, crashed his own anti-socialist media platform shortly after its launch this morning when he demanded his supporters storm Twitter to take back the presidency.

Special Counsel Durham Rejects Claims That He's Politicized High-Profile Prosecution

Friday, February 18, 2022

You Can’t Fault A Guy For Doing The Job He Was Hired To Do
John “Genuine Bull” Durham, the special prostitutor looking into how #BeBest to punish Dimwit Donald Turdwaffle’s political opponents until they promise never to vote against him again, bristles at suggestions he has politicized his investigation.

I Intend To Continue To Mask Up When I'm Off My Property

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

At Least Until We Hit Two Million Uneducated American DeadThat’s really not that far away when you look at the numbers, considering how many nimrods are still willing to forego vaccination & risk their lives for principles they don’t even embrace in their day to day lives. It just goes to show what...

Rocket About To Slam Into The Moon Was Launched By North Korea, Not SpaceX

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Kim Jong Un Calls Hypersonic Missile Test A Resounding SuccessEnding weeks of speculation about who originally tossed the litter about to land on the moon, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un Kardashian took credit for the planned rendezvouz with the lunar surface on March 4th, saying “Just wait until...

Jared Kushner To Decline Nobel Peace Prize For Abraham Accords

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

He's Busy That Week Solving The Climate Crisis And Transient InflationApparently, when former first son-in-law Jared “Not To Be Confused With The Subway Guy” Kushner told reporters late last year that he wasn’t in business only for the money, but that he has no interest in chasing accolades for his...

As The West's Megadrought Enters Twelve Hundred And First Year

Monday, February 14, 2022

Residents Encouraged To Conserve Water And Ride This Thing OutThe National Weather Service gave the parched US West some good news and bad news this morning, noting that life is “not a matter of liking whether the glass is half empty or completely dry, especially when there’s not enough to go around.”

Second Amendment Racks Up Impressive Cop Counts

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Fifteen Officers Mowed Down By Alleged Good Guys With Guns In Less Than 24 HoursAccording to unnamed sources close to the ongoing slaughter, if God had intended for Americans to live peaceful and prosperous lives, He wouldn’t have guaranteed their crazy neighbors the right to discharge deadly projectiles...

CDC Issues Warning To Pregnant Women In States With Severe Restrictions On Reproductive Rights

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Studies Find COVID Destroys The Placenta And Causes StillbirthThe CDC today issued an urgent warning for unvaccinated women in Repugnicunt-controlled states where abortion might as well be illegal to consider relocating to avoid prosecution for heartbeatacide should they contract COVID and spontaneous...

Canadian Freedom Convoy Gets Two Thumbs Up From GOP & Fox

Monday, February 7, 2022

Mandates? But What If I Don’t Like Dates?There is nothing finer than watching a nation of miserable fucks and its slobbering media frothing in ecstacy over a bunch nimrods spewing toxic gases that go well with their toxic thinking to make the climate even more fucked up than it already is by idling...

Should I Created A Site Devoted To Fan Fiction Based On The Bible?

Sunday, February 6, 2022

You Should See My BegatsIsn't fan fiction a product of socialist media?
Another #ExistentialTrickQuestion

Glenn Youngkin Bitch-Slapped In Alexandria Grocery Store For Refusing To Wear A Mask Indoors

Sunday, February 6, 2022

We’re All Making Choices Today“And you’re choosing to be an asshole,” said the unidentified woman wearing a Hello I’m Not An Asshole nametag. “Read the room, buddy,” she said, motioning to the aisles filled with masked and socially distanced shoppers and employees, except for Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R-Word,...

Pence Clarifies 'Trump Is Wrong' Comment In Response To Turdwaffle's False Claim About Overturning Election

Friday, February 4, 2022

I Never Called Him A Liar, Professional Ken Doll Impersonator SaysAfter reports that a caravan of Proud Boys & girls was heading for his home, former Vice President Mike “He’ll Eat Anything” Pence blasted mainstream media coverage of his taped remarks before the Federalist Society where he called former...

Why Is It Every Time Some Black Person Plays The Race Card It's Because Of Some Critical Racist Theory?

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

Doesn’t It Make You Think Maybe This Is All A Little Too Convenient?I mean I don’t mean to cast any aspersions, but something just doesn’t pass the smell test, as I heard someone read on the fake news somewhere, with all these black people claiming the NFL is a bunch of racist crooks. If God didn’t...

Dinesh D'Souza Phone Home

Monday, January 31, 2022

Your Anal Probe Came Back PositiveEvery man’s everyman Dinesh D’Souza is back in the fake news today with new and even more fabulous fabrications and alterations of objective reality that he is now calling a documentary, claiming that the earlier e-mail about his schmuckumentary was before running...

CDC Warns Of New Surges In Kansas City & Los Angeles After NFL-Sanctioned Super-Spreader Events

Monday, January 31, 2022

Who Were Those Unmasked Men & Women?Promising that SuperBowl LVI will be the most infectious gathering of the like-minded since the Protestant Reformation unleashed the black plague on millions of unsuspecting European atheists, the NFL said that most of the survivors of Sunday’s games between the...

Is There Anyone I Haven't Offended Yet?

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Please Raise Your Culturally Appropriate Mutated AppendageMy imaginary agent encourages me to try harder.

It Was Supposed To Be The Joe Rogaine Show

Saturday, January 29, 2022

But Someone Forgot To Check The Registered Trademark RegistryOnce a dickhead always a dickhead…

Repugnicunts Vow To Oppose Any Uppity SCOTUS Pick

Friday, January 28, 2022

Reverse Racism Shall Not Be Tolerated By Our Very Fine PeopleFormer GOP Senate Dominatrix, Mitch The Elderly Ninja McConnell (R-Word, KY), accused illegally elected President Joe Biden of hiding the identity of his nominee to replace retiring ice-cream magnate William Breyer on the Supreme Court &...

This Should Be The Latest Meme & Alternative Rickroll Destination

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Any Time Anyone Invokes The Word ‘Wall’ Give Them This Turdwaffle QuoteDaughter: Mom! I’m going down to Walmart.
You: So, we would have had the wall completed in three weeks. It was largely completed. We did almost 500 miles of wall in the southern border. It was really working. It really had...

Capitol Rioter Asks Court For Lenient Sentence, Arguing That He Already Suffered By Losing Work, Access To Airbnb, And His TSA Precheck Status

Monday, January 24, 2022

He’s Banned From McDonald’s & Taco Bell, His Wife Got The House & Left Him Three Aternatively-Abled Kids, And Someone Stole His Autographed MAGA Cap At The RallyA Capitol riot defendent cited his Twitter, Instagram and Facebook suspensions, along with being barred from using Airbnb or Lyft in his MAGA...

Pope Benedict Willfully Let Children Be Raped To Experience God's Hard Love

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Let’s Fuck The Devil Out Of Them, Newly Discovered Papal Bull RevealsAs if anyone should be surprised by a pope who chose to call himself God’s Beneficial Dick.

Former White House Press Sec. Throbbing Grisham Confirms What We Suspected About Melania's Oval Orifice Behavior

Thursday, January 20, 2022

She Couldn’t Care Less About The Fucking Christmas DecorationsThe Turdwaffle White House was filled with bad actors portraying all sorts of variations on the seven deadly sins, usually live on TV, although occasionally just caught on a hot mic.
However, given that the residual scum from the Turdwaffle...

Researchers Say Earth's Core May Be Cooling 'More Rapidly Than Expected'

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Repugnicunts Applaud Findings, Claim Global Warming Can Help Reverse Planetary Core CoolingThe virtual ink was barely digitized at the journal Earth and Planetary Science Letters where a paper announced the planet had grown unexpectedly chill, in addition to having become woke, before Sen. Ted Cruz...

We Found The One Group Of Americans Who Are Most Likely To Spread Fake News

Saturday, January 15, 2022

One Subset Of Conservative Moderates Illustrates The Idiocy Of Suffering Idiots To De-Moron ThemselvesYeah. What he said.
I never thought I’d say that.
So I didn’t.

Marjoe Faylure Greene Hopes Not To Provoke Another Civil War

Thursday, January 13, 2022

That Is Not My Intention, Says Nimrod NudnikFreshman Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greene (R-Word, GA) belly-flopped into the national news again today when she recommended that the well-armed deplorables in our nation of miserable fucks use their “God-given Second Amendment rights against the tyannosaurs of...

Duke Of York Stripped Of Honorifics

Thursday, January 13, 2022

The Horror, The Horror, Of Losing The Honor, The HonorFormer Prince Andrew Windsor, the one-time Duke Of York, has been ordered to surrender his patronages and military titles to the Monarchy’s Quartermaster no later than the end of business on January 14, & donate his fancy uniforms to a local charity,...

He Has Sliced & Diced The Yahoos

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

With His Terrible Swiftian Sword So The Truth Goes Marching OnAs my uncle Hungry Chuck Bukowski always told me, “Time is made to be wasted,” and what better way to waste time than appealing to Twitter to rescind its permanent suspension from its hollowed (no, that’s not a typo) halls?

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Fighting For Nazi Rights

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Jews Cannot Cancel Us!Freshman Repugnicunt Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn blasted organizers of a lawsuit to disqualify him for ever again running for office “for trying to make North Carolina as great as Florida & other strongholds of American democracy. This outrage shall not stand!”
Cawthorn,...

KuklaM*A*S*H Kicks Ass & Calls Names

Friday, January 7, 2022

Says Democrats Don’t Understand Democracy AnymoreAnd here to introduce the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all around malignant asshole, Donald J. Turdwaffle, is our good buddy & original average American, Forrest Q. Gump:
“Thank you, Doctor Faustroll. I am so happy not to be...

US Reports Over 1 Million New Daily COVID Cases As Omicron Surges

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Thousands Gather At Mar-a-Lago Chanting “USA! USA!”An unruly crowd drawn to Florida to celebrate the first anniversary of Antifa Infamy Day on January 6th burst into chants of “We’re Number One!” and “USA! USA!” after the World Health Organization acknowledged that the US recorded an astonishing 1...

Twitter Divorces Marjoe Faylure Greenhorndog

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Social Media Giant Shuts One Of Georgia Insurrectionist’s Many Pie HolesThe Internet erupted with virtual shouts of “Huzzahs!” today as news broke that Georgia’s freshman representative had been permanently banned from Twitter for spreading COVID misinformation, possibly spelling an end to her Greg...

I've Been Reading A Lot Lately About How Clues Were Missed

Thursday, December 30, 2021

In The Weeks Leading Up To The Failed January 6 Kraken KoupI don’t know about you, but I’ve been kind of worrying about the rise of American Nazis since the early 1950s, you remember, when we rescued a few thousand breeding pairs from the Fourth Reich to save us from the communists?
I know it’s...

Let's Go Darwin

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Antifa Accused Of Spreading Anti-Vax Disinformation“It just sounds like something antifa would do,” said Marjoe Faylure Greene when asked why she thinks antifa is responsible for the 90% of people on ICUs who are unvaccinated Turdwaffle supporters.
#somethingunexpectedwentwrong BTW is one of the...

Seventy-Five Percent Of Former Guy's Supporters Says They Will Never Get Vaccine

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Tell Him To Shove His Endorsements Where Sun Don’t ShineRecent polling following the former twice impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s Alternative History Tour with Bill O’Reilly, where he was booed for saying he received the booster & recommended rally goers do the same, shows that the former dude’s...

Andrea Mitchell Denies Being Cloned From Chuck Todd's Facial Merkin

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

She Is Now Convinced Joe Biden Is Hiding Hillary Clinton’s E-Mail Server
Will she ever stop auditioning for a gig at Fox & Friends?

Manchin Family Slaughters Biden's Vision of America Building Back Better

Monday, December 20, 2021

I Would Like To Hope That There Are Still Democrats That Feel Like I DoWhy is there no one to rid us of these suicidally obstructionist shits?
Someone should remind Mr. Manchin that he represents a state with fewer than .5% of all Americans, a state whose chief contribution to our nation of miserable...

So My Posts About Turdwaffle Actively Working Against The CDC On COVID Weren't Just Idle Speculation?

Friday, December 17, 2021

Of Course They Were; I’m A Speculative HistorianI’ll keep this short.
Is there any crime the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & favorite failed führer didn’t commit while in the White House?
I’ll take my answer off-air.

What Goes Around Is Usually Stupid And Contagious

Monday, December 13, 2021

Here We Are Now, Curt Cobain UsMore & more it seems as if The One Minute President was far more terrifyingly prescient than obvious, which I find increasingly more hilarious with every passing year. Surely I must be dead by now.
Someone as desperately unhappy and negative as someone who could...

Bob Dole: I'm Not In Kansas Anymore

Friday, December 10, 2021

Moves Along Down The Yellow Brick RoadPromises to visit Saturday Night Live as soon as Billie Eilish gets to host.

Japonica Glistens Like Coral In All Of The Neighboring Gardens

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

But Today We Have Shaming Of FartsGod I miss the good old days when we could kick ass & call people names…
But at least we have the Urban Dictionary to help us understand what the fuck our parents were thinking when they listened to their gods and named every fucking asshole in the world, including...

So Who Exactly Is This Ligi Fuck?

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Beats The Hell Out Of MeThank God for Ted Stevens’ ingenious system of tubes we now call the Interweb where I finally discovered the truth about my ghastly origins.I bet Father Francis didn’t see that coming. Speaking on not getting any on you:

Judge Compares QAnon Shaman To Martin Luther King

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Cuts 10 Years Off Maximum SentenceIn an hour-long lovefest between Jacob Shandling, the insurrectionist formerly known as The QAnon Shaman & Judge Rolls Royce Phantom, Precept of Pennsylvania Avenue & Lord of the Cloakrom Clerks, lavished praise & affection for one another that caused some on the Internet,...

As My Hearing Continues To Get Worse

Saturday, November 13, 2021

I Prefer Transcripts To PodcastsTranscripts form the backbone of The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H, but this post is about a transcript of an Ezra Klein podcast on The New York Times (All The News For Your Tiny Dicks) web site and two paragraphs attributed to Mr. Klein that approximate the cognitive flatulence...

Abstractly Vapid Ann Coulter Calls Twice-Impeached Clown "Abjectly Stupid"

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

She Already Knew Former President Was Vulgar Narcissist“But I fell for him anyway,” Ann Coulter refused to say.

Trump: "Perverts" Behind Rumors He & Glenn Youngkin Hate Each Other

Monday, November 1, 2021

Former President Stops Short Of Calling Relations A “Love Fest”Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & aspiring Hitler impersonator, Donald J. Turdwaffle held an impromptu Zoom conference in Charlottesville, VA, yesterday to assure his very fine people that there is no friction between their...

Imagine That January 6 Was All About Defending American Family Values

Thursday, October 28, 2021

That's The Argument Repugnicunts Are Currently MakingI never much cared for American family values. They seemed to be something to learn from, not foment. Like being Catholic, embracing American family values seemed to involve humiliating yourself to convince your elders that you understand nothing...

Facebook Reportedly Ready For Fallback Name Change

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Was Faceplant Already Taken?Facebook co-founder & chief muckamuck, Markus Aurelius Zuckerberg has been engaged in non-stop meetings with himself in preparation for Facebook’s rumored name change to Flitter, which may explain his recent inability to keep his story straight.

Turdwaffle Says He No Longer Likes Women Peeing On Him

Saturday, October 16, 2021

It’s Called Becoming That Much More Maturity PresidentialStill plagued by anonymous leakers who appreciate some good irony, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & co-founder of Losers Anonymous, Grabbito Pussolini, denies telling an auditorium packed with high-rolling Repugnicunt donors...

Dave Chappelle Continues To Be Short On Fucks

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Wimps Call For CancellationAnd the beat goes on.
The global fuck shortage has yet to lead America’s deadly serious people to reconsider whether their assholes are really the best place to store their heads.

Clemson Freshman Student Section Responds To Paul Feinbaum

Monday, October 4, 2021

Freshman Cheer Shocks Absolutely No OneThe Baghdad Bob of CNN, Paul Feinbaum, recently decided that Clemson football’s dynasty is over. Feinbaum, who got his start as Mr. Know-It-All on Rocky & Bullwinkle, where he was also the understudy for Mr. Peabody’s sidekick Sherman, has considered South Carolina’s...

Clemson Football Fans Beg Clemson Fans To Stop A Certain Clemson Cheer

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

I Wonder Which One It Could BeAs it turns out, some people are upset about a paw hand gesture some students are making.
Back in my 60s, during rat season, we rats were made to chant a cheer at every pep rally & at least three times during the course of every game that would probably have killed...

Turdwaffle Blasts New Air Force One Color Scheme

Friday, September 24, 2021

Former Guy Calls Rainbow Flag Design “A Complete & Total Disaster”As America moves on from its regrettable past toward a more inclusive and promising future, the Biden administration today revealed the winner of last fall’s DNC-sponsored Tik Tok Teens Flying High For Democracy contest which called...

An Introduction To Pataphysical Panpsychism

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Go Where No Nads Have Gone BeforeDr. Martin Picard, whose great-great-grandson will one day command the Starship Enterprise, argues that mitochrondia are social creatures, with lives of their own, just like the gated communities of Twits on Twitter.
So what exactly is panpsychism & can it be treated...

Missouri Police Department Shows Itself How To Defund Police

Monday, September 20, 2021

Entire Department Resigns Because Nobody Likes ThemThe community police state in Kimberling City, MO, suddenly collapsed in late August when the city’s entire gestapo resigned citing low pay, lack of support from citizenry, and a refusal of the city to commit to new language in their contract that...

Dems Tell Repugs To Be Thankful They're Only Taxing The Rich

Thursday, September 16, 2021

We Could Be Demanding To Eat The Rich, Says Deep State StrategistAs Democrats in office finally begin responding to their voters’ demand to dismantle 40 years of the Reagan legacy of a supply-side plantation-economy, enforced by a heavily-armed paramilitary community police state, Repugnicunts are...

Liberals Push To Change Flag Day To Honor LGBTQs

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Offer Cost Efficient Solution To Creating New Queer HolidayIn a move some MAGA supporters consider a slight to the legacy of their hero, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle, Queen Antifa (Liberal, America) has introduced legislation calling for an end to Flag Day,...

Richard Spencer's Hometown Changes Name To Gefiltefish

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Niggardly Nazi’s Dreams Of An Eternally White Christmas ShatteredBack in 2016, Richard Spencer seemed was rising star in Repugnicunt circles, touted by some as the next Ronald Reagan, rallying his fellow racist scumbags to his National Policy Institute, where he gave incendiary speeches trying to foment...

Ivermectin Overdose Patients Outnumber Accidental Gunshot Victims In Shit-Hole States

Saturday, September 4, 2021

This Is A Clear & Present Danger To Our Second Amendment RightsDoctors throughout regions of the U.S. predominantly populated by the uneducated and overtly religious are pleading with Turdwaffle supporters to stop taking ivermectin, a horse dewormer that has been flying off farm supply store shelves...

Florida Man Charged With Trying To Extort Florida Man

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Matt Gaetz Denies Ever Meeting His WifePun intended.

Ashli Boebert's Family Wants Congressional Medal Of Honor

Friday, August 27, 2021

“She Was An American Heroin,” Neighbors Tell Dissociative PressAshli Boebert, no relation to her sister from Colorado, congressturd Lorena, was shot & killed on January 6th while attempting to find and lynch members of Congress who were voting against America’s greatest presidential candidate since...

Mike Lindell To Sue Antifa For Cyber Symposium Sabotage

Saturday, August 21, 2021

“Antifa Attacked Me In The Elevator!” Mike Lindell Tells Personal Reporters
Sporting a half inch bruise on his chest, allegedly sustained when he was bludgeoned by swarm of index fingers of antifa terrorists disguised as an Eagle Scouts eating Girl Scout cookies, My Pillow CEO Mikey “He’ll Eat...

Taliban To Host Turdwaffle Reinstatement In Kabul On September 11, 2021

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

“It’s The Least I Can Do,” Says Abdul Ghani BaradarThe Taliban wasted no time Tuesday thanking President Trump & US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo for brokering last year’s peace agreement that saw the US release more than 5,000 imprisoned fighters in exchange for “not doing anything that would jeopardize...

Turdwaffle Incites Alt-White Supporters To Hunt Down Capitol Cop

Thursday, August 12, 2021

“Avenge Ashli Bobbitt!” Obese Former First Nazi ShoutsNot content with inciting one insurrection on his way to a well-deserved jail sentence or public stay in stocks, unindicted co-conspirator & all-around white-supremacist scumbag Donald J. Turdwaffle on Wednesday called on his well-armed uneducated...

I'm Old Enough To Remember When Our Free Press

Saturday, August 7, 2021

Had A Commitment To Something Other Than The Supply-Side Bottom LineNow they just whine & beg for money, like everyone else in the four estates that own our nation of miserable fucks. This is an article only available to subscribers of The Oregonadian, Oregasm’s paper of record. They seem to be complaining...

Trump To Pardon January 6th "Peaceful Loving Protestors"

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

"If It’s The First Thing I Do,” President In Exile PromisesWith his reinstatement as president less than 10 days away, Coup Master & all-around son of a bitch Donald J. Turdwaffle has been meeting with his shadow cabinet members and top secret joints chiefs of staff on how best to maintain order while correcting...

Turdwaffle Throws Self Under The Bus

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

“I’ve Never Heard Of The Guy,” Says Former GuyAttempting to further distance himself from his failed January 6th insurrection, Donald J. Trump went on Fox News today to call reports about his speech at the “Stop The Steal Rally” urging his supporters to liberate the Capitol from liberal socialist congresswomen...

Repugnicunts Dare Scientists To Prove Them Wrong

Monday, August 2, 2021

“We Know Our Known Knowns,” Unnamed Nimrods DeclareAccording to a newly released report from the House Repugnicunt Alternative Certitude Committee, COVID-19 was leaked by the Chinese Communist Party on September 11, 2019, the 18th anniversary of one of the worst attacks on American Democracy since...

Someone Made Like A Three-Legged Tool

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Olympic Gold!Please tell me Clare Balding is not her real name. 

The only thing that could have made this better is if the swimmers name was John Thomas, although Matt Richards will do in a pinch.
I kept expecting someone to shout: “Would you like to see it up close in slow motion?”

In Death As In Life

Friday, July 23, 2021

Gerald R. Ford Continues Tripping Over His SchwantzFormer President Gerald R. Ford is perhaps best known for mentoring Chevy Chase in stand-up & fall over tragicomedy. Born of necessity & nurtured on the sweet authoritarian paps of Richard Mildude Nixon, Ford was the kind of mistake no God would make...

Dunkin Donuts Is Laughing Behind Our Backs

Monday, July 19, 2021

Are We The Flukes Of A Nudibranch?There is a really interesting article at livescience that goes well with DD coffee loaded with cream & sugar.Here’s something to listen to while you read it.

Game Called On Account Of Sporadic Gunfire

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Cancellation Comes After Two Hour Reload DelayCalling the situation “a travesty,” last night’s game between the Wampee Fallen Warriors & the Honea Path Murder Hornets was cancelled by league officials, following a day of prolonged skirmishes between passionate fans angered by the officiating. “Our...

Ways This Pataphysical Web Site Is Way Better Than Twitter

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

The World Needs More Anti-Social Pro-Socialist Media
I break the rules here even before I make them.
I get as much engagement as on Twitter without getting constantly shadow-banned.
I can correct typos, if I feel like it, even if I find them weeks from now.
I don’t get DMs from...

US Bureau Of Mimes Shutters Intern Program

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Another Casualty Of The #MeToo MovementAlthough some are blaming the demise of the mime intern program on improper branding identity politics efforts & the inappropriate use of memes to promote retarded mimes, Bureau of Mimes spokesman, John Wayne Bo Gacy, insists that “uppity women are to blame. They...

Fox News AntiFaxxers Tilt At Whirling Durbin Windbag

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Carlson Goes Down Ingraham’s Cracker SnapperAs the Delta variant of the Democrat coronavirus hoax lays seige to the nimrod states, Democrats are calling for renewed efforts to vaccinate “even the Nazis” in a seemingly hopeless effort to keep America’s gross corpse national product to a manageable level,...

Mo Brooks Sued By Fans Of Comedy

Saturday, July 10, 2021

“Not Funny,” Says Audience Member Dressed Like TurnipAfter exhorting his Army Of The Uneducated at the 2021 Conservative Political Action Conference to die of cholera & dysentary like “our great Republicans heroes at Valley Forgery”, Alabama Representative Mo Brooks later claimed he was just joking...

The Worst Things In Life Are Also Free

Friday, July 9, 2021

Pluck That Magic Twanger, FroggyOriginally posted to some place or other on or about September 24, 2004.You can never tell when some stupid cocksucker is going to unload on you either in the name of truth, justice, or the reelection campaign. Let’s just leave family out of this, for a second.
I...

@DoctorFaustroll Joins Turdwaffle Suit Against Twitter

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

“I’m As Right Wing As They Come,” Says Pataphysical Old FartCiting his ongoing battle with the Twits at Twitter, @DoctorFaustroll today threw his considerable flatulence behind twice-impeached former president Donald J. Turdwaffle hoping to get in on the grifting while grifting is still good.
Please...

NRA Claims Most Gun Deaths Are Vaccine-Related

Monday, July 5, 2021

“We Need More Testing To Establish Root Cause” Says Uninformed SourceCiting rising vaccination numbers that correspond to an increase in gun-related deaths as more people become convenient targets by forgetting to don their body armor when venturing out after 15 months in lockdown, the NRA today suggested...

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones

Sunday, July 4, 2021

But Words Can Get Me CanceledNot that I’ve ever given a fuck.
I continue to embrace no commonly held opinions.
I insist on not believing anything, most especially not gods, authority, or flags.
This universe is strictly bring your own cave.

Trump Pardons Cosby

Thursday, July 1, 2021

Castor Pours Oil On #MeToo FireThe former twice-impeached president alternative tweeted today that “Congratulations, Bill. I never promised you & Fat Albert that I’d award you one of our coveted Presidential Medals of Pardon if you did me a favor first but here I am, the first president ever to fulfill...

Q-Anon Charmin Set To Prove His Incompetence

Saturday, June 26, 2021

“I May Look Dumb,” Cosplay Nebbish Insists, “But I'm No Idiot!”Garry Jacob Changling, better known as the fur-clad, barechested, horned accountant who calls himself the QAnon Charmin is studying to fail a competency test in Colorado so he can join former twice-impeached president Turdwaffle’s national...

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Fart

Friday, June 25, 2021

But I’m Willing To Be Proven Wrong

God, I Can't Wait For The Next Pandemic

Monday, June 21, 2021

There Were Entirely Too Many assholes At My Crabbing Spot TodayThey were letting their dogs & kids run free in a roped-off protected snowy plover exclusion area. I don’t know how many times I had to say: “Don’t you think if I gave a shit about dogs or kids, I’d have some?” The only thing missing were...

I Must Be Losing My Grift

Friday, June 18, 2021

#PundyRaunch Sincerely Regrets To Inform You We clearly missed a golden opportunity to give new meaning to the phrase “The Snyder Cut” in that post about Batman eating pussy.Pass it on.

Zack Snyder Claims Batman Eats Pussy

Friday, June 18, 2021

Maybe That’s How COVID Jumped From Species To SpecistYep, I remain banned on Twitter for mocking our nation of miserable fucks & feckless cunts, but I’m still discovering new cave walls to decorate.

Uh-Oh Maybe It Wasn't Wuhan Labs

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Infections Surge Where Chinese COVID Vaccines Are UsedMaybe the former guy was onto something when he said: “We can’t let the cure be worse than the Chinese” or something like that.
No one could be reached for comment before I clicked “Publish.”

Netanyahoo Blasts Biden For Rigging Israeli Elections

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Bilious Bibi Claims Ouster “Worse Than Holocaust”Self-proclaimed senior war gigolo & highest-ranking honorary Israeli Nazi, Benjamin “Benjy” Netanyahoo used his final speech to the Knesset to accuse Q-Anon-opposed American president Joe Biden of enabling Iran to continue the genocide started by Germany’s...

Feds Shoot Man For Laughing At Anthrax Hoax

Friday, June 11, 2021

Uncommon Sense Pataphysical MetaNews Service 
Oct 16 2001 01:01:33AM
WASHINGTON (PMS) — Declaring that preparations undertaken to combat bioterrorism and nuclear annihilation are no joking matter, Herr UnterFuhrer Jurgen Asscough said Tuesday that those who laugh about anthrax or other government...

What If It Turns Out Things Are Very Broken

Monday, June 7, 2021

And The Last Guys Who Knew How To Fix Things Were Slaughtered At Normandy?Another unanswered question from #PoorDickHeadsAlmanac.

Unmentionable President Pleads Questionable Case

Sunday, June 6, 2021

More Uncommon Sense Rueban Sano
YU Central Scrutinizer
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WASHINGTON (YU) – Most of the terrorists involved in the Sept. 11 attacks on New York, Washington, and San Francisco also killed themselves during the attack on the USS Cole a year ago in Yemen and also during...

If You Do The Same Thing Again & Again To Demonstrate The Obvious

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Life Will Continue To Mean Absolutely NothingDon’t blame me when I state that the obvious is or are obvious.
Why anyone expects his or her problems to suddenly be solved by a flash of insanity is yet another perfectly sustainable example of insanity.
I had barely clicked Send on the continuation...

Missing Dinosaur Found Inside Shooting Victim

Friday, May 28, 2021

Car Wash Autopsy Find Shocks Scientist
Doctor Faustroll
Senior Car Wash Editor
Simonized Metadata Servicing
0505282021PM053015YNE1

Catatonia, AZ (SMS) — While the reasons behind Tuesday’s deadly rampage at Dudley’s Doo Right CarMax on Freedom Highway here in Catatonia...

Gay Islamic Zombies Join Sadr Budweiser Insurgents

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Jorge Humberto Romero
Foreign Correspondent
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Sacrament
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AN NAJAF (PMS) — Hundreds of undead revelers were shot in the head during a belated Final Four celebration that turned violent this morning, leading to fierce fighting...

Turdwaffle Vows To Challenge Asian Anti-Hate Bills

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

62 #Repugnicunts Vote Their Lack Of Consciences
Even before President Biden signs The COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act into law, former Insurrectionist In Queef, Agolf Turdwaffle issued a statement from exile in Bedminster, New Jersey, as federal investigators served search warrants at his Summer #AltWhite House...

Many People Are Asking

Monday, May 17, 2021

“Dr. Faustroll,” They Ask, “What’s Got Into You?”I’m old enough to remember when “Shivers” was called “They Came From Within,” & this was the poster I saw before going in to the first matinee at the Clemson Theatre in 1975 & proceeded to watch every showing until the film was replaced by “Rooster Cockblisters."This...

Schindlers Demand New Autopsy; Schiavo Hauls Ash; Administration Issues Arrest Warrant

Monday, May 17, 2021

Joe Bob Mangler
Forensics Desk
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
0306150004A91115083202FUPMS

LOU PINELLAS PARK (PMS) — Autopsy results released Wednesday on the missing ashes formerly known as Terri Schiavo, Theresa Boco Marie Schindler, and Hope made absolutely no one happy...

U.S. Tells North Korea To Enter into Itself

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Biblically SpeakingLee Poebouy
Expatriate Alcoholism Editor
Pataphysical Antiganda Syndicate
0109130003.a.9.11YUYNE102030406GMTPMS

SEOUL, South Korea (PAS) —  North Korea  said Monday that a huge shiitake shaped cloud seen near its border with China several days ago was probably...

Loyal Republicans Scurry Away From Ted Stevens’ Light

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics October 28, 2008 
As Dan O’Neill often said: Politics is poopadoodle, which makes it easy to see politicians for the cockroaches they are, behind their expensive wardrobes and flip-flopping morality. So it’s no wonder that within minutes of...

War, Then, Open Or Understood, Must Be Resolvéd

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Doctor Faustroll Would Rather Fool Around In Hell Than Bend Over In Twitter’s Hot Plate HeavenDidn’t take long for the Twitter TrussBuddies to respond to my latest refusal to mourn the death, by satire,  of my inner child  on the Internet. I guess this is Jack’s way of suggesting that if you want to...

Nation Braces For Police Riots Following Verdict

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Chauvinists Decry Cancel Culture Witch Hunt“Hello, caller, you’re on the line with the Mr. Pillow Guy!”“Thanks for taking my call, Mike!”“Don’t thank me. I’m crazy!”

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Fart

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phyddling About February 2, 2009
This can, of course, prove lethal to you, because I am immune to my farts, while others have suggested they be considered weapons of gas mask destruction. I have made the cat cry. I have watched the...

Terrorist Arrested In Reagan Plot

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Joe Sacco
Security Analyst
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
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RANCHO MIRAGE (PMS) – A man arrested while he sharpened a wooden stake outside an aquarium this morning has denied through a medium his intention to drive it through the heart...

Octuplet Doctor Sued By Marvel Comics For Copyright Infringement

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 7, 2009
In yet another stunning development in the bizarre tale of the serial mother who gave birth to octuplets last month, Dr. Otto Octavius of the Fantastic Fourtility Clinic in Loma Linda, California was...

Doc Ock And Octomom Deny Bile Farm Involvement

Monday, April 12, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phleghmish Masters, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 10, 2009
A spokeslawyer for Dr. Otto Octavius of the Fantastic Fourtility Clinic in Lomo Linda, California, could not be reached for comment on a Yossarian Universal News Service...

Ohmigod! It’s Time To Do Something Drastic!

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynality, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 10, 2009
I just received several frantic communications from the porkulus bloviators at NewsMax, who apparently don’t understand that I am already on a mission from God or a reasonable...

North Korea Tell U.S. To Fuck Off

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Lee Poebouy
Expatriot Alcoholism Editor
Pataphysical Antiganda Syndicate
0109130003.a.9.11YUYNE102030406GMTPMS
SEOUL, South Korea (PAS) -  North Korea  said Monday that a huge shiitake-shaped cloud seen near its border with China several days ago was probably caused by the spontaneous...

St. Ballantine’s Day

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phynality, Sedition February 14, 2009
It’s great being an imaginary Catholic. You get to pal around with all the saints, many of whom were considered terrorists by Rome at one point or another, and you get to sneak into confessional...

How To Lose Friends

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February 15, 2009
I wrote a column for a little literary magazine 30 or 40 years ago that described in precise detail how to succeed in the world by accepting that Dale Carnegie was an asshole with a tiny dick. This was before I entered detox...

Special Prosecutor Urged to Probe Bill Clinton Involvement in Economic Collapse

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Invective, Kommerce and Kulchur, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 16, 2009
Is anybody ever going to forgive William Jefferson “Slick Willie” Clinton for getting jiz stains on the Persian rug in the Oral Office that...

Obamination: The Retrospective

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 19. 2008
As the extremely late Mild Bill Wordsworth once noted, poetry is the spontaneous ejaculation of powerful human emotion that take flight over the masses and deposits strings...

Frankly, Scarlett, I Don’t Really Give a Sinatra

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Sedition February 17 2009
One of my former co-conspirators punked Poets and Writers, Inc. in the early 1980s when punking someone still meant taking one of those glowing sticks you used to light off fireworks with and shoving it...

I've Been Asked To Take a Time Out

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics on February 18, 2009
I’m sorry, but I can’t mention the name of the person or persons who asked me not to continue to demean capitalism and Christianity and humanism and liberalism and conservatism and all the poopadoodle variants thereof which...

Obamination: The Quickening

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition Februry 21, 2009
Our story thus far: Even his most fervent supporters now admit (off the record, of course, because no one is authorized to comment on the obvious) that the fortunes of the...

Obamination: The Pre-Inauguration Weaks

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Easy Does ItOriginally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 21, 2009
Part three in a never-ending series: As the Obama administration struggles for relevance in a world he never made, two things have become clear. Obama just isn’t black...

Obamination: Select all and delete forever

Monday, March 29, 2021

Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February 23,2009
Reality check: The world is not your apple. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom precludes a quest for power. Power is not justified. Respect must be earned, no matter what Arthur Miller believed, assuming that dumb phuck actually believed...

Octomom vows to birth on

Monday, March 29, 2021

More Than 7 Deadly SinnersPublished by drfaustroll under Blather, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes February 24, 2009
To strains of I am Wombman, Hear Me Roar, serial mother Dody Decker-Hedron left the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat this morning, telling...

Bush calls dibs on British brain

Monday, March 29, 2021

The Slice Of BrainPublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 25, 2009
I recently placed a bet to win that former First Idiot, George W. Bush, will finally be captured and taken to The Hague before Memorial Day. The Decidedly Imperfect...

Another Well-Trodden Path

Monday, March 29, 2021

Another item rescued from the Today.com vault.Footwear Futures Soar As Bush Ponders Lip-Synch TourOriginally ublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 26, 2009
NOMPH™ ill-will ambassador offers post-term necronomic stimulus planNo...

Just When You Thought

Monday, March 29, 2021

It Was Time To Think Something, Fuck...
…if I wasn't suddenly reminded of a joke I didn’t get the first time I heard it because I was in elementary school & no one had taught me the difference between tests & testes.
As I remember it, Kaitlyn Bennett was talking with her moll friends at the...

NPR Mail Art?

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Something SavedSometimes an email message is just an email template lost in the ether.

Shiitake Hits Fan Base

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Chick Korea Joins Asian Fusion BandSEOUL, South Korea (PAS) —  North Korea said Monday that a huge shiitake shaped cloud seen near its border with China several days ago was probably caused by the spontaneous explosion of several thousand cows when naturally occurring methane was ignited by a cigarette...

Released Prisoners Shot While Trying To Complain

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Marcus D. Sadr
Bonded Disciplinary Critic
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
05051420040806110PDTYU?YNE1

ABU GHRAIBASS, Iraq (PMS) – American troops opened fire on a crowd of several thousand suspected Iraqis being released from the luxurious Abu Ghraibass minimum security...

#PoorDickHeadsAlmanac

Thursday, March 25, 2021

The MeMe GenerationA sphincter’s worth will sometimes launch a million turds.

Drunken Elephants Bang Paris Hilton Train

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Billy Katzinsakiswinkle
Essential Existential
Editor Fabulous Information Bureau
0211132007AWGZ21192002PMS

NORTHHAMPTON (FIB) — Paris Hilton is tired of hearing about her party girl days as an amateur porn hole, and in recent weeks she has demonstrated her resolve to ensure...

I Was Lost Until Some FuckHead Found Me

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Where Is Anti-Social Media When We Need It?I am about to randomly select a piece from the archives. It may be funny. It may be silly. It can never be profound. It will undoubtedly be without redeeming social value. The only constraint in choosing this item is it was located in a folder labeled: “Today.com.”...

Just like starting over

Thursday, November 5, 2020

I Am Justice And I Write The Wrongs
I’ve been a lie foreverI wore the very first thongI put the turds and the punishments togetherI am justice and I write the wrongsI write the wrongs that make the whole world stinkI write the wrongs of love and things that you thinkI write the wrongs high up...