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Antifa Denies Reponsibility In Freedumb Convoy Attacks
Mar 2, 2022
Organizers Of SOTU Trucker Blockade in DC Complain Of Democrat Sabotage To Thwart Freedom Loving Patriots
Citing sky-rocketing prices at the pump that he attributed to Joe Biden and his antifa allies, a spokestire for the Rolling Dunderheads Freedumb Tour 2022 blamed the poor turnout in Washington yesterday on “disinformation from the liberals about when the State of the Union address was scheduled,” noting that most truckers were still slated to arrive on March 5th, despite hundreds of antifa and Black Lives Matter attacks on the tens of thousands of big rigs planning to disrupt activities in the nation’s Capitol until all mask mandates are lifted and the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator is reinstated.
“We always scheduled this protest for March 5th, but the administration insisted on going ahead with their pathetic speech on March 1st, despite repeated requests that they accomodate the wishes of we the people who pay their salaries,” organizer Kyle Broflovski told thousands of professional reporters assigned to cover the event, for which only 12 people even bothered to show up, and no one had brought a truck, except for a kid who may not even been there for the rally who had a radio-controlled Mercedes Uber delivery van.
Broflovski, who goes by Dr. Jay Suess in his position as greatness researcher with the Heritage Foundation, claimed the rally would have been a great success if not for sabotage by “fringe elements of our great society who should never have had the right to own guns to begin with. Sometimes these scumbags make me question my opinions about some people’s right to life.”
After successfully shutting down Ottawa for nearly two weeks in preparation for taking their show on the road in the lower 48, hundreds of fugitive January 6 insurrectionists had hoped to reprise that monumental clusterfuck with an even bigger and more raucous display of feral patriotism when they announced plans for “the complete and total shutdown of liberal business as usual on March 5 to prevent Joe Biden’s lies from getting out to the young and impressionable, who should be going to good Christian schools and learning the ten commandments instead of listening to critical race theory from transexuals who want to watch them go to the bathroom.”
Truckers were also demanding the release of nearly 800 protestors they claim the government had intentionally misidentified as rioters, “when everyone knows the real rioters,” Dr. Suess alleged, “were the liberals and thugs who were disguised as Republicans to make patriotism look bad.”
Although Jen Psaki had repeatedly attempted to correct trucker misconceptions that the State of the Union Address had not always been scheduled for March 1 as had previously been announced as early as the first anniversary of the failed insurrection, the truckers insisted that “our government is supposed to work for us, and they should make reasonable accommodations to assure that the tens of thousands of patriotic long-haulers protesting treasonous attempts to restrict our freedoms by claiming they want to protect our health, which, by the way, is our health to save, not the government’s. If we choose to get sick and die, that’s what freedom is all about.”
According to stiff and wired reports, only thirteen protestors showed up for the March 1 event at the main stage on the National Mall, with at least two having been recruited using craigslist, where they had previously found tickets to Turdwaffle rallies where they could get $50 and a free MAGA cap just for showing up and chanting: “Lock them up!”
“We would have had illions,” said rally coordinator Peter Rock, who was forced to hitchhike to Washington after his Peterbilt was firebombed by suspected Ukrainian sympathizers near Lickskillet, N.C. over the weekend. “When did God let liberals and antifa have free reign in this country? Whatever happened to white makes right? I don’t mean to sound racist. It’s just how I feel.”
Brothers James, John, and Andrew Windsor of New Britan, CT, agreed with Peter in condemning the poor showing on the “fake media refusing to report on anything except the war in Iran, as if that has anything to do with our rights as free Americans. The Iranian people should go back where they came from. This is our fight!”
Ironically, the Windsor brothers apparently mixed up Iran with Ukraine, predicting the very slip of the tongue President Joe Biden would make several hours later during the actual State of the Union Address, which was only interrupted by assholery from Reps Marjoe Faylure Gringo (R-Word, GA) and Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) who brandished a bloody two-headed dildo like a pool noodle while screaming: “You lie!”
Nathaniel Bartholomew Buffett claimed his Freightliner was attacked “just outside Toponga when we were just getting started by the Pink Hat Ladies, who are still fighting against the Gulf Wars. It was a massacre where we could have been killed. They called us names we can’t even repeat on TV. This is TV, right?”
James and Judas Escargot, who had traveled from Paris to join the rolling resistance to health mandates, said they intended to attend again next year, “assuming we get our truck back from antifa and fuel prices aren’t too high.”
Thaddeus McConnell described a scene of classic American carnage on I-40 in Arkansas when the group of nine 18-wheelers he was part of was attacked by Tik Tok Teens wielding sail cats, pan dogs, possum crepes, raccoon waffles, sweet meat flatbreads, and other weaponized roadkill. “It was heartbreaking,” he told a reporter with the Independent Times Journal Gazette Morning Star Weekly, one Matthew Levi, who, coincidentally, was wearing press credentials he purchased from YU News Service. (I don’t go anywhere without them.)
Phil Ovette expressed some disappointment at the sparse turnout, but suggested “having a world war break out during a peaceful protest isn’t something you can plan for. What’s next? Is climate change going to be real, too? If you can’t trust world leaders to keep the peace, who can you trust?"
“In God we trust,” shouted James Justice, an owner-operator from Peoria, waving a red, white, & blue Trump/Jesus 2024 banner.
One trucker, Simon, said he almost made it to the Capitol until he was “swarmed by Biden’s gaspacho police on the Beltway for having a busted tail light. They must have hundreds of thousands of trigger-happy antifa out there just looking for patriotic trucks to shoot up. It was disgraceful what they did. It was worse than the holocaust.”
“I seriously doubt that,” said a trucker wearing a I’m With Stupid tee-shirt who said his name was Thomas.