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Monica Lewinsky Says Everyone Is Guilty In Johnny Depp's Misheard Trial

Jun 1, 2022

Suggests She’d Sue Andy Warhol For Misrepresentation If He Wasn’t Dead

“It’s amazing how long 15 minutes of fame can last,” former White House intern and handbag entremanure, Monica Lewinsky, told Vanity Fair after a jury of the peerage in Virginia, of all places, decided that both so-called actors, John-Boy Depp and Amber Alert Heard, had been defamed by life itself after a 6-week trial that some say has set back women’s rights back far more than Samuel Alito’s reversal of Roe V. Wade ever could.

Yes. You heard right, the secret word for tonight is not Mudshark. Don’t fool yourself, girl, it’s winking at you.

“It’s sad enough,” Lewinsky told VF Ace Reporter, Wesley Hardin Woody, “that Amber has been totally Lewinskied by the liberal media, but the impact of this horrendous affront to our First Amendment right to say whatever we want to prove our point against these heinous men who have all the advantages…don’t get me started.”

But it was already too late, as Lewinsky was on a roll, reliving the humiliation of having been young and in love with politics and power and the magical presidential kneepads they promised for the most committed of newly-arrived interns who had never been exposed to Critical Race Theory and still believed all the shit they learned growing up with #AmericanFamilyValues and wanting every disinterested citizen of our nation of miserable fucks to “feel my pain.”

I have plenty of pain of own, thank you, but you can’t get me started, because I’m busy painting my latest cave.

“However,” Lewinsky continued, “it’s the larger implications for our culture that concern me the most: the ways we have stoked the flames of misogyny and, separately, the celebrity Family Circus.

“No matter the outcome of this sordid trial,” the most famous White House intern in all of history, according to former twice-impeach unindicted co-conspirator and guy most likely to deal cards in Heaven, “this trial was about us, the American people. We are the guilty ones. We let this nation of miserable fucks persist, because somebody is making money off it, and we hope, one day, we’ll be that somebody. Admit it. You’re just like me.

“God bless you,” Lewinsky concluded, as she donned her magical presidential kneepads and ascended high above the crowd, “and God bless the United States of America.”

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