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Nobel Sold For Ukrainian Kids Shatters Record At $103.5M

Jun 22, 2022

Anonymous Bidder Dies In Gruesome Golf Course Accident

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the best Hitler we can afford these days, Donald J. Grabito Pussolini, issued a preemptive denial on Trump Social of his involvement in the “tragic accident with unfortunate loss of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness” at his Bedminster, NJ tax dodge over the weekend when an anonymous bidder for Dimitri A. Molotovs Nobel medal was run over by a golf cart.

Molotov was the editor in chief of the independent newspaper, Еженедельник универсальных новостей Йоссариана, until he was run over by a truck while eating breakfast in his third floor apartment. Witnesses called the scene “something you’d only read about in Еженедельник универсальных новостей Йоссариана.

Pussolini also assured his ardent supporters that the medal does not now adorn the walls of his replica Oval Office, alongside his Time Person of the Year, Sports Illustrated Comback Golfer of the Year, and AARP Rancid Old Fart magazine covers, posting on Truth Social: “Where would I get that kind of money now that I’m no longer in charge of the US Treasury?”

We found it odd Pussolini would worry about how anyone thinks about him, particularly since, as far as we can determine, no one had even suggested until this very post that our favorite failed führer had figured out how to steal $103 million intended to aid starving Ukrainian victims of his perfect phone call while pocketing a medal he’s lusted after like grabable pussy ever since some Kenyan won one.

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