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People's Convoy Demands That Congress End Climate Change
Mar 16, 2022
That Would Be A Real Win-Win For All Of Us Really Good Americans
Capitol Hill police have been preparing for weeks for the truckers of Turdwaffle’s “Freedumb Convoy” to invade the Capitol and disrupt President Biden’s first State of the Union Address, which actually already took place on March 1, but that’s another story.
The convoy has been plagued with logistics problems from the beginning, including sporadic attacks by Black Lives Matter, Tik Tok Teens, Sesame Street, antifa, and MS-13 thugs coming across the border that resulted in the theft of many big rigs, while bank foreclosures also took a toll.
The worst, according to long-haul polluter Eileen Heinlich, was the lack of apathy from the liberals, who only care about the victims, and not the people who make victims even a thing for this woke crowd. “If we was killing ourselves,” Heinlich told whoever would listen, “do you think the woke crowd would care? They only care about their precious little planet, but they don’t care about the little people that make everything work.”
There was also a distinct disadvantage in The Freedumb Convoy not having any specific demands, since most of the mandates the obesely overweight truckers were initially expressing fake outrage over had already ended.
It was way too late to Stop the Steal that never happened, and the cost of fuel to participate in the meaningless kerfuffle over non-negotiable demands to be issued at a later date was bankrupting many mom and pop transport companies who never expectied to be viewed as the most Ukrazian people available to pin blame on for hundreds of years of whatever the fuck we’ve been doing.
The first of the endangered truckers began arriving in DC on March 7th and started circling the Beltway, attempting to keep up with routine weekday traffic while complaining on Facebook that social media hadn’t been helping their patriotic effort very much.
By the March 9, nearly a dozen fuel-inefficient semis were belching copious quantities of climate-altering fossil fuel exhaust into our already heavily-polluted skies, and by today’s early morning hours the convoy had grown to an impressive 17 eighteeen wheelers, which all suddenly exited the by-pass during morning break to thunder past the scene of Turdwaffle’s failed insurrection in Jan 2021 while honking their horns and streaming banners that read: “Fuck your feelings!”
“Today we’re getting right next to their walls,” said Everson Bigguns, People’s Convoy under-assistant press secretary for domestic terrorist affairs. “We’re not going to go in and throat-punch these fuckers just yet, even though you all know we'd love to do just that. Maybe even smear some additional Proud Boy feces on the walls. The storm is still coming!”
Over the weekend, a special reconnaisance and hand-to-hand surveillance team with the convoy was given a tour of the Capitol by Sen Roger “Thorgood” Marshall (R-Word, Kan), even though the grounds remain closed to the law-abiding registered-Republican public. Democrats have been permanently barred from the Capitol until former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini is reinstated and Hillary is locked up.
“What's the big deal?” asked an unnamed Nazi apologist (R-Word, at large), “It’s not like we don’t already have plans from the first surveillance tours conducted by Lorena, Ashli, and Marge.”
Press secretary Bigguns insists that the protest will only continue to grow until every truck in “these once great United States is rumbling around Washington until the government meets our one simple demand and ends climate change once and for all, so we can all shake hands, agree to disagree, and get back to more reasonable fuel prices.”