Tupperware Announces Stainless Steel Scotum Scissors That Free Your Bad Boys To Dance In The Sunshine And Laugh Every day

America’s favorite #ExistentialTrickQuestion, Fox News troll Freedumb Trucker Tucker Carlson took a break over Yeaster Weakend from blaming transsexuals and uppity blacks for COVID and climate change to tout the benefits of testicle tanning as God’s own proven strategy to increase America’s strategic testosterone reserves and avoid “The End Of Men” in a national embarassment of biblical proportions. 

According to Tucker, America’s decline can be traced directly to the failed presidency of Jimmy Carter, whose shaming of our nation of miserable fucks for being dumb and lazy led to a decline in infrared nutsack irradiation parlors where the country’s once proud and virile young men gathered to share stories about beating up faggots and roving bands of negro youths while grabbing a testosterone booty boost.

The idea of microwaving one’s scrotum became so rare among our immensely proud boys that most Americans laughed at former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and textbook example of supply-side plantation economic theory at work, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini when he suggested that COVID might be cured by shining a very powerful light on the victim’s ball sack, prompting the National Organization of Women to remind the failed führer that there are more women and eunuchs in the US than men with non-cancerous bean bags.

“Suppose that we hit the body with a tremendous,” Pussolini told a gaggle of Democrat coronavirus hoax press whores, “whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light. Supposing you brought this powerful light inside the body, which you can do either through the foreskin or in some other way,” as Pussolini’s preferred Democrat coronavirus hoax response coordinator giggled like a school girl.

Those were the days.