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Holden Cawthorn Is Latest Helms On Wheels

Jul 10, 2021

“They’re Coming To Take Our Deuteronomy, Mama!”

North Carolina Representative Ashley Madison Cawthorn held forth with a group of Tik Tok Teens at the Conservative Political Action Committee buzzard festival in Dallas Friday afternoon while waiting for someone to ask him whether he was running for the Repugnicunt presidential nomination in 2024. Holden, as he is known to his friends & family, was selling autographed selfies of himself with former twice-impeached Repugnicunt president Donald J. Turdwaffle to raise awareness of piniped shellfish paralysis & childhood obesity.

Cawthorn warned the Tik Tok Teens that they should not be fooled by Biden’s antifa and Black Lives Matter agenda, “which clearly intends to destroy out great heritage by tearing down the monuments to the idyllic plantation economy that made this country great to begin with. Now they’re talking about going door-to-door to bring vaccines to the people. Think of the mechanisms they would have to build to be able to actually execute that massive of a thing. Think about what those mechanisms could be used for. They could then go door-to-door to take your guns, to take your marital aids, to take your Bibles.”

When asked why he put worrying about losing his guns and fleshlights before losing his Bible, Cawhtorn said  “That’s just the kind of gotcha communist question we’ve gotten used to from the antifa elites and Black Lives Matter billionaires in the fake media. The right to bear arms is so sacred to average patriotic Americans that it is also the first amendment to the NRA version of The Bible.”

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