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U.S. Runs Out Of Money To Pay Providers To Treat Uninsured COVID-19 Patients

Mar 28, 2022

They Were Warned. They Were Given Ample Explanation. Nevertheless, They Persisted.

If you’re uninsured and get COVID, experts are now recommending that you find a safe quiet place where you can bend way over, plant your head between your legs, and kiss your stupid ass goodbye, because the U.S. government has fully depleted the Biden administration’s Chinese coronavirus hoax reimbursement fund, and Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Word, KY) is unwilling to extend the program.

Starting a few days ago, if you are uninsured or under-insured, you can be billed up to $195 for each negative coronavirus test. If you test positive, the charge increases to $780 and payment must be made in cash.

A positive test by an uninsured or under-insured sick person, requires you to post a surety bond for $1.5 million prior to any medical emergency or be willing to surrender your children as collateral.

As far as we know, you can still not declare bankruptcy to settle medical debt until you have officially been considered “houseless” for more than six consecutive fiscal quarters, because that’s how our trickle-down supply-side plantation economy was designed to work.

“But help is on the way,” McConnell insists, noting that the mid-term elections are just a few months away, and “It is going to be harder than ever for Democrats to beat us. We could have someone different in the White House by Jan. 6, 2022, and we could put all this un-American nastiness behind us.” 

McConnell unveiled a new Republican healthcare plan that makes it legal for insurance companies to harvest healthy organs from uninsured patients who fall delinquent on their payments for more than 45 days, saying “the uninsured COVID fraudsters who attempt to get life-saving healthcare without the ability to pay for it are no more than common criminals who steal kidneys, livers, lungs, and other vital organs from the homeless on the cruel streets of our formerly great cities which are now run by Democrats.”

Think of America’s economy like a huge market-driven drug ring where people are addicted to work at shitty jobs for low wages and offered short-term incentives to indenture themselves to monthly payments for services they did not know they needed. When they complain about how the system works, you just say: “Well, that’s the law of supply and demand. We provide what you demand and totally control the supply.”

You’ll be surprised at how well that argument continues to work in a nation of miserable fucks with the attention span of a talented and gifted fruit fly. My apologies to any talented and gifted fruit flies out there who are still awake at this point in the program.

“We told you that Obamacare was a big mistake, hundreds of years ago, maybe longer,” the GOP’s most celebrated Confederate ball-gag collector told a gathering of kindergarteners learning how to vote in the Democratic primaries, “but the uneducated often flock to bad ideas, no matter how hard we try to warn them…

“But we did warn them, repeatedly — which is only due diligence, which is why we consider risk assessment so important before we make our worst decisions — but the Obamacare rules were in violation of other rules that our courts prefer, so they should not have trusted as unestablished case law subject to the whims of whichever arbitrary administration happens to be in place at the hour of some old judge’s entirely predictable demise, but you already knew that, which is why we have this sacred process to help us place what some have called our best and brightest on the bench.

“If God had intended for America to be ruled by laws,” McConnell bellowed, “why did He did he make it so lucrative to simply practice law? Name one other profession where you can get rich while practicing to do whatever you want simply by endlessly interpreting and reinterpreting supposedly established case law. You can’t. You’re not a lawyer, which makes chances  good that you are also not rich.

“But to return to the point, no,” the allegedly oldest living braindead politician concluded, “we will not support extending reimbursement payments to doctors and other healthcare professionals who provide COVID testing and treatment to uninsured patients, regardless of who they voted for in 2020. That’s only fair.”

McConnell and the GOP bristled at charges that they are using the ongoing pandemic as part of their long-term voter suppression efforts, which are designed to limit access to voting to the kinds of assholes who elect assholes like Mitch McConnell and other ignorant assholes just like him or worse.

“I will not dignify that unfair assertion with a response,” huffed the senator from America’s leading producer of sexual lubricants, “Not everything is about racism. The most important things are just about money. These are the willfully uneducated we are talking about, not so-called deplorables who can be counted on to do what’s right, no matter how wrong it might seem, when told to, but ordinary uneducated people who are not intelligent enough to ask simple existential questions.

“Many of these people have always voted Republican, so don’t accuse us of playing political favorites when arriving at our fiscally responsible decision not to extend COVID assistance to many in our base so long as there is the slightest possibility that a welfare queen might slip through the cracks and get away with food stamp fraud. We have as much to lose as the Democrats, and God knows what this decision will mean to those clueless Independents, who have never had the sense God gave hominy.”

Democrats have been torn in trying to forge a united front in the current debate, acknowledging that the majority of uneducated who will get sick and die for lack of insurance coverage have indeed voted Republican since Old Rummy Reagan was squatting in the White House, busting unions, spreading AIDS, promoting illegal wars, trading arms for hostages, dismantling the social safety net, and bankrupting the country with massive defense spending, while the Soviet Union was obviously imploding from its own investments in killing machines, many of which are currently on ludicrous display trying to occupy Ukraine.

“These are the very same people,” said one unnamed source close to the White House (who you’d imagine correctly 5 out of 8 times if asked) who demanded that she be identfied and described in glowing terms,  so we’ve been forced to paraphrase her comments, “who are keeping a former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and unapologetic insurrectionist living in the manner to which he has become accustomed, but it is what it is.”

The federal coronavirus response has been crippled since Fox News ordered Republicans in Congress to block a White House request for $22.5 billion in emergency aid.

Republicans insist that what most Americans want is for “Congress to tackle the deficit, imprison abortion providers, lower taxes, criminalize Critical Race Theory, reinstate mandatory public school prayer, stop perverts from using our bathrooms, give the unborn the right to bear arms, protect us from the gays, deport the homeless, and balance the budget. These issues are foremost in the mind of every informed patriotic voter today. All good Christian Americans need to step up and answer the call. Take no prisoners.”

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