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NRA Retools Slogan In Innovative Indiana Mall Massacre Marketing Campaign

Jul 18, 2022

The Only Thing That Stops A Bad Young Hoodlum With A Gun Is A Slightly Older Good Samaritan With A Gun

"It’s almost biblical in its simplicity,” Sylvia Plath told Wayne LaPierre at the pitch meeting. “Who could argue with the Bible? It’s right there in The Constitution. The Second Commandment and The Second Amendment are perfectly compatible, like standing your ground with high-capacity magazines!

“Has anyone ever told you your balls are like tiny buddhas?” Ms. Plath added.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” LaPierre answered. “My mother pulled no punches.”

According to the totalitarian tanned testicle crowd, we should hold a constitutional convention to get everyone in our nation of miserable fucks to agree that the following language shall henceforth apply to any and all discussions of either the Ten Amendments or the Ten Commandants, which are the basic building blocks of life in our meaningless universe.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, or that is out there in the cosmos protected by our great Space Force, or that is posted on YouTube, Twitter, or Facebook. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them nor serve them, because thou shalt form a well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of our increasingly shallow State, and the right of our very fine people, on both sides, the less educated the better, to blow off steam every now and then for myserious reasons known only to God, shall not be infringed. Amen.

Apparently our yellow media is fine with that.

That’s what I call problem solving America-style.

“I like it,” LaPierre allegedly said, before adding, “Off the record, of course. But ‘Good Samitarian with a gun’ is a much better catch phrase than ‘Good guy with a gun,’ considering  Jan. 6 and all. I mean, who could get upset about a good samaritan with a gun stopping a mass shooter, or one at a synagogue, for that matter?”


Another unironic #ExistentialTrickQuestion.


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