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God Returns To Earth With A Vengeance

May 15, 2022

I Heard Your Prayers, Supreme Diety Says, And Here I Am To Stand My Ground & Deliver

Faced with withering criticism of His recent disregard for His most fervent idolators, God made an unscheduled Buffalo visit to gather some highly collectible human cadavers over the weekend, promising to adapt His approach to account for the alarming growth of the woke crowd who shows little patience with business as usual.

“Sorry I was gone so long,” Yahweh told a press conference at Highmark Stadium, “But Us Gods have so many responsibilities in such far flung jurisdictions that We have to prioritize Our public appearances so they best illuminate Our general disdain for Our tithe-paying subjects, no matter how obsequious.”

God stressed that He did not have it in for the entire human race, although it has never been among His favorite accomplishments, “but at some point, You have to own up to Your personal responsibility for a universe so schizophrenic it seriously adheres to a strict binary construct unsupported by science, art, or religion.

“Free will,” God reminded His audience. “I gave you Free Will, so when you do stupid shit like this, it only proves at how disappointing you are, creationally speaking. I am aware of no other creation that has so consistently chosen to be stupid unto death, as my good friend Sören almost liked to say.”

“Stupid shit like what?” asked pre-schooler Hilda Doolittle, who was not even old enough to remember the early days of the COVID pandemic when people were eating horse paste and injecting themselves with Clorox, who was born in a cardboard box as was necessary to comply with recent Fox News polls about what to do with all these wetbacks.

“Bingo!” God said.

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