Trump Pleads Not Guilty To Everything He Claims He Had Every Right To Do

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

Ten Million Invisible Proud Boys And Oath Keepers Join Protest Way Way Outside Miami Courthouse“What can I say?” the fat former failed führer fumed as he surveyed the mediocre crowd of several scant teaspoons of his most fervent followers, many wearing Confederate tee-shirts, while carrying Nazi flags...

George DeSantos Tells McCarthy He Must Recuse Himself From Committee Assignments

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Cites Previous Commitments To Assisting Pulitzer & Nobel Prize Screening Teams And Uncover work for MossadFormer heavy-medal (sic) rockstar and tumescent freshman congresspenis George DeSantos (R-Word, NY) informed House Speaker Kevin “Chucky's Cheese” McCarthy (R-Word, CA) by voicemail this morning...

US To Exceed Death Limit Later Today

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Supply Side Plantation Economy Demands More Low-Paid Workers To Fuel Never-Ending Growth In Fast Food & Ephemeral Services#TheTerribleSwiftianSword strikes deep into your creepy mind.

Did The Artless Deal Trump Made To Move The U.S. Embassy In Jerusalem Specify It Be Built On Confiscated Palestinian Land?

Sunday, January 15, 2023

Will It Also Include A Trump-Branded Golf Resort To Be Managed By Eric?Two more #ExistentialTrickQuestions no doubt protected by non-disclosure & non-compete agreements, because that’s the #TheAmericanWay in our supply-side plantation economy!
As someone once succinctly sang deep in a dark cave...

Trump Advisors Will Neither Confirm Nor Deny...

Friday, January 6, 2023

…That There’s A “Second Annual #AmericaFirst Reinstatement Day” Celebration Going On At Mar A Lago“January 6 will always live fondly in the infamous hearts of the #AmericaFirst Nazis and their moderate allies who almost Made America Great Again two years ago today,” said someone you probably live near,...

Poll: Most Americans Ashamed To Admit How Ashamed They Are For How Stupid They Are

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

The Stupider An American Is The Less Likely It Is To Have Any Shame Because That’s #TheAmericanWay!If there is anyone here who does not recognize how fucking great it is to be debt free, I think they should go now because this post is not about that.

George Santos Claimed To Be Hershel Walker's Son On GoFundMe Campaign

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Donald Trump Considers Naming Santos His 2024 Running Mate“All he has to do is change his name to Hymen DeSantos,” the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and epitome of #AmericanFamilyValues wrote on Truth Social, “and together Trump/DeSantos and all our great patriots will Make America...

Estate Of Veronica Lake Sends Failed Arizona Candidate Kari Cease & Desist Order

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

Threatens Feckless Cunt With $300 Million Suit For Diminution Of Brand Value#TheTerribleSwiftianSword at #PundyRaunch

Maybe Turdwaffle Has A Good Idea In Suspending The Constitution

Thursday, December 8, 2022

If It Means We Can Finally 86 That Fucking Second Amendment#UncommonSense

Anti-Shamites Forgive Antisemites Over Semantics

Monday, December 5, 2022

You Can’t Blame Us For The #AmericanFamilyValues We Were Raised To Obey Shout Proud Anti-Woke AssholesFilm on Parler, hosted by Jon E. Hartley Gnu Ye...

I Bet The Jews Are Behind The War On Christmas

Thursday, November 24, 2022

The Kanye Told Me So
And don’t get me started on that whole Chappellesasquidick fiasco...

Idiots Pissed That Non-Idiots Outvoted Them

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

How Can We Ever Win If We Keep Letting The Majority Vote?Yet another #ExistentialTrickQuestion for the #AmericanFamilyValues crowd.

Incels Blame Uppity Women For Red Spotting Instead Of Wave

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Damned Pussies Ruin It For Everyone Says One Limpdicked Nazi Motherfucker#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Repugnicunts Poised To Establish #AltReich

Monday, October 31, 2022

You Libtards Had Your Chance To Cheat And Blew It!Finally, left-wing America is about to get the comeuppance it has always deserved for not being white enough.
The GOP promises to finally clean up this antifa problem that continues to thwart complete consolidation of Old Rummy Reagan’s supply-side...

Judge Aileen Lucy Cannon Gives Trump Get Out Of Jail Free Special Masterbater

Monday, September 5, 2022

Shirley You’re Not Wanton To Be Surprised#PundyRaunch

Repugnicunts Call For More Violence If Grabito Pussolini Is Indicted

Monday, August 29, 2022

Hawley and Graham Call On Supporters To Burn Down Majority Rule Once & For All#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

I've Been Thinking About Writing Poetry Again

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

It’s Been More Than Thirty Years Since I Consciously Chose To Write A PoemNot that my first forty years of writing something that others called poetry were widely appreciated for the great Fuck You that pataphysical poets have been offering this planet of miserable fucks since 1896.

Fauci To Join Wuhan Institute of Virology (WIV)

Monday, August 22, 2022

I Can Finally Get Back To Doing ScienceDr. Anthony “Two Thumbs Tony” Fauci is abandoning his responsibilities as director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) and chief medical adviser to president of the walking dead Joe “Brandon” Biden before the end of the year, resisting...

Pence Says He Didn't Leave Office With Classified Material

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Spanky Took All The Good Stuff, Says Mother’s BoySaying it was good not having to answer questions about what it felt like to realize his boss had encouraged a mob of violent neo-Nazis to hang his pale ass from a gallows outside the Capitol, former Vice-Presidential GOP whipping boy Michael “He’ll...

Trump Promises To Name Cawthorn To Head Fed When Reinstated

Thursday, August 18, 2022

He’ll Also Put Louie Gohmert In Charge of DOJ“We have the best people to put America First,” the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & first American president ever to attempt a failed coup to install a Nazi theocracy, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini last night told his uneducated athletic supporters...

Ayatollah Khomeini Never Read Salman Rushdie's Book

Sunday, August 14, 2022

Since When Does Reading Matter In Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks?It’s not like any of our esteemed American Christian Nationalists have ever read the New Testament with comprehension.

CDC Drops Quarantine, Social Distancing, School Screening Recommendations For COVID-19

Thursday, August 11, 2022

We Can Afford To Lose The 100% Of The 5% Who Don’t Have ImmunityDo you realize how relieved I will be when all these anti-vaxxers are dead?
Are you a fucking idiot?

Death To A Liberal Earth Movement Gains Steam

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Rainwater Is Now Unsafe To Drink Anywhere On The PlanetThis comes hard on the heels of Bill McGuire’s Hothouse Earth which suggests  most climatologists “lack the tanned testicles it takes to admit we are so beyond fucked at this point that we might as well embrace our dinosaurian forebears.”

Know-Nothing Christian Nationalist Notional Notionate Nation Of Miserable Fucks Knocks Knowledgeable Nabobs Of Negativism As Planet Self-Destructs

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Did I Really Nazi It Coming? You Can Say That Again!Does that mean you won’t mind when I type “Know-Nothing Christian Nationalist Notional Notionate Nation Of Miserable Fucks Knocks Knowledgeable Nabobs Of Negativism As Planet Self-Destructs?”
You’re welcome.
#ExistentialTrickQuestions from #P...

Green New Dealers Confess To Creating Climate Change

Saturday, July 30, 2022

We Never Had These Problems Before These Over-Educated Shitheads Started Yapping, Say Uneducated voters#AmericanFamilyValues can always find a way to light a fart that will break your heart.
Have a nice day.

Hot Enough For You?

Monday, July 25, 2022

Fucking Weather: Everybody Talks About It While Demanding We Make It Worse By Having Cheaper Gas At The Pump
Because that’s #TheAmericanWay!

Let Me Repeat For The Nimrods In The Back

Friday, July 15, 2022

Fuck Senator Joe Manchin (Wannabe R-Word, Wet Vagina)It’s time to fire the dumb fuck supply-side plantation owner and planetary climate saboteur from Wet Vagina, a state with fewer than 2 million uneducated residents, who keeps acting like former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator, single most...

So If Freedumbocracy Depends On A Free Press Whipping The Very Fine Uneducated People Into A Frenzy...

Monday, July 11, 2022

…Why Do We Need To Make Voting Easy For The Kind Of People Who Just Refuse To Get The Message?Another vintage #ExistentialTrickQuestion to ponder as you stifle a fart at the loan officer’s desk.

Trump Promises To Rename White House Gardens 'Melania's #BeBest Hope' When He Is Reinstated

Sunday, July 10, 2022

Expect Big Things When We Take Back Everything Come November, Donnie Douchebag Tells Lamestream Alaskan IdiotsFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & kid voted most likely to secede while still in elementary boarding school, Donald Grabito Pussolini told a thong-baring throng of very fine...

The Rise Of Modern Western Catsup Culture

Friday, July 8, 2022

Catsup Was Invented At A Wuhan Wet Market To Celebrate Nixon’s Visit To ChinaIt’s amazing how few people realize that a condiment originally consisting almost entirely of fermented anchovies has come to symbolize American greatness by dominating the fast food and ephemeral services sectors our supply-side...

Republican Congresswoman Debbie Lesko Says She Would Shoot Her Grandchildren To 'Protect' Their Right To Protect Their Own Lives

Thursday, July 7, 2022

These Feckless Repugnicunts Never Cease To Please Their Constituents Who Pray Only To Vengeful GodsAs our nation of miserable fucks continues to struggle to come up with a solution to suicide-by-cheap projectile-based violence that doesn’t do harm the bottom line of the gun and ammunition manufacturers...

As Our Planet Hurtles Toward Its Fossil-Fuel Induced Extinction Event...

Sunday, July 3, 2022

Why Use our Remaining Eight Years Wisely?An #ExistentialTrickQuestion for America’s proudest uneducated.
Go for it, Ron. Go for it.

Hmmm. Don't I Know You From Somewhere?

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Is There Really A Better Pickup Line Than……Hey! Didn’t I meet you on the This Person Does Not Exist section at He’s Not Here?

Incels Take Victory Lap After SCROTUS Scratches Roe V. Wade

Friday, June 24, 2022

Bitches Be Getting What They Deserve, Says Stephen MillerSpeaking on condition of anonymity, one of several thousand former coffee boys for former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Hitler’s love child by Nancy Reagan Donaldo Grabito Pussolini,  Stephen Miller joined a jubilant thong of #PundyRaunch...

Is Regina Spektor Related To Ronnie or Phil?

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Just asking…I had almost forgotten how wonderful her voice was, or that her humor is so optimistic it hurts.

How's Your Bucket List Going?

Saturday, June 18, 2022

There’s Nothing To Beat Feeding A Farting Wombat

How Studying Your Writing Can Help You Manifest Better

Thursday, June 16, 2022

If You Study Hard Enough You Will Eventually #BeBestThis was an actually title in an e-mail from people who claim to know something about their own fucking language.
I’ve been trying to manifest all morning and the best I’ve managed is a couple of long moist farts that scared the cats.

Trump Blasts Ivanka & Jared For 'Stolen Valor'

Friday, June 10, 2022

I Never Trusted Those TwoFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and ambulatory portapotty Grabito Pussolini wasted no time responding to Thursday’s televised hearing on his failed January 6, 2021 insurrection, an event he termed the “most historic movement in human history.”
In a Truth...

National Weather Service Exploring How To Forecast Mass Shootings

Sunday, June 5, 2022

Massacres Are Now Easier To Predict Than HurricanesRepugnicunts vehemently oppose funding the effort, saying that if God meant for Americans to be carefree and happy, He wouldn’t have written the second amendment.

NRA Calls For Special Election To Address Anti-Gun Lobby

Thursday, June 2, 2022

“We Can’t Leave Decisions On Something As Fundamental To Christianity As The Sanctity Of The Second Amendment To These Uppity Deep State Bastards'’ Says Anonymous NRA Donor Covered In Sticky Viscous SubstanceAs mankind stumbles into its final decade on this despoiled dying planet & everyone spends...

Define 'Oxymoron'

Monday, May 30, 2022

Gun Culture#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Trump To Headline NRA Conference On Managing Mass Shooters

Friday, May 27, 2022

I Have A Solution Like You Wouldn’t BelieveFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and one of the most self-important people in the MAGA multiverse since Pepe the Frog was apprehended during a televised act of coitus with Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC), Grabito Pussolini,...

And Then I Stumbled Across And Even Earlier Unpopular Opinion

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Not The Greatest Recording, But One Fucking Great Arrangement

Come And Give Us Your Unpopular Opinion

Monday, May 23, 2022

Something Up To now That You’ve Been Scared To SayI accuse Greg James at BBC Radio 1 of ripping off Frank Zappa’s “Little House I Used To Live In” for the jingle. this short motif first appeared on Burnt Weenie Sandwich and Frank went back to it numerous times on various albums, leading me to suspect...

Putin Ally Eyes Decimated Ukrainian City For 'Resort Business'

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

It’s The Perfect Site For A World Class Golf Resort Called Trump International Doral MariupolFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and self-declared leader of the Russian-backed MAGA Uneducated People’s Republic of South Florida, Dimwit Donald J. Grabito Pussolini, reportedly has secured...

The Be Best Lack All Conviction While The Turds Are Full of Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Saturday, May 14, 2022

My Yeats Infection Just Keeps On Giving#SoItGoes

Climate Change & Pandemic Hoaxes Officially Over

Thursday, May 12, 2022

It’s Official! The Race To Extinction Is about to kick into high gear!As it turns out with most shit God has given us the freedom to endure, humans are not built for marathons, so a sprint to the finish it is!

Trump Blasts Cawthorn Face-Fucking Video

Thursday, May 5, 2022

What’s Wrong With Grabbing Pussy? Former Führer FumesStopping short of rescinding his complete and total endorsement of Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC), former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini called for the Justice Department to prosecute whoever...

The Thing I Miss Most About The Future

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Besides My Not Being There, Of CourseSeeing the future is easy for humans.
Or at least it should be.
In some places on this planet, you do not even need a shovel to travel back tens of million of years into the past.
Tens of millions years.
Meanwhile, in Florida, school children cannot...

I Have No Truck With White Christians Demanding Equal Rights

Friday, April 29, 2022

#DoTheMathThey’ll have to give up 90% the pie to be equal to the rest of us…

Greene Offers Bill To Abolish Rights Abused By The Woke Crowd

Thursday, April 28, 2022

The First, Fourth, & Fourteenth Have Got To GoRep. Marjorine Mailer Gringo (R-Word, GA) announced this morning that she is introducing a bill to abolish every law, regulation, or statute used by liberals to make conservatives and moderates look bad.
Greene’s bill would eliminate Section 230, which...

As U.S. Nears Covid Milestone, What Has It Learned?

Monday, April 25, 2022

That’s One Of The Headlines On Today’s National Geographic E-MailWhat milestone they’re talking about I don’t know.
We’ve already passed 1 million dead on our way to the 4 million cadaver cosies I predicted we’d need because of American deceptionalism.
 I told you so.
Here’s a screenshot from...

Uh-Oh! Looks Like There's A Reckoning A Coming

Sunday, April 24, 2022

At Least That’s The Vibe I Keep Getting From The CluelessWas I asleep at the switch when science finally proved once and for all that God was clearly required to create this shit show and keep it operating into infinity and beyond?

First They Came For Uranus But I Said What's The Harm In It

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

It’s No Skin Off My AssNo pixels were altered in the posting of this screen grab from the Google News Top Stories page this morning.
I wouldn’t want to be Uranus today. I have no idea how Uranus feels about it.


Crayleigh Maganinny Calls Out Jen Psaki's 'Snarky' Answer On Mask Mandate Ruling

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

We’re Right! We’re White! We’re America & We’re All Celebrating!Crayleigh Maganinny, former stunt press secretary for former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and two hands looking to charge themselves with random pussy, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini, had the conservative version of an orgasm...

Senator 'In Shock' As Trump-Backed Neb. Governor Candidate Put Hand 'Up My Dress'

Monday, April 18, 2022

‘The Bitch Is Lying’ Responds Trump Ally, adding ‘Accusation Is Libelous Fake News’State Sen. Julie Hyde-Slamajama (R-Word, NB) accused Donald Trump-endorsed gubernatorial candidate Charles “Smokin’”Herbster (R-Word, NB) of “putting his hand up my dress and trying to grab my pussy” at a $5,000 a plate...

Archeologists Discover Hysterical Artifacts During Notre Dame Cathedral Restoration

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Cache Of Exotic Sex Toys From Reign Of Louis XIV Thrills Ecclesiastical CollectorsPaleoarcheologists say they will soon open a penis-shaped sarcophagus discovered beneath the floor at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.
Before the embers had fully died in the wake of the apocalyptic inferno that...

Doomsday Clock Breaks And No One Knows How To Fix It

Sunday, April 10, 2022

No One Is Sure If Clock Was Designed ProperlyThe world continues to hold its breath as scientists assess the probability of complete and total extinction of homo stupidios now that the Doomsday Clock has broken and the last clockmaker trained to maintain it was recently killed in a Russian rocket attack...

Am I The Only With A Rule That Sends All Mail With 'Team" In The Nazi Junk Mail Box?

Friday, April 8, 2022

So There’s No “I” In Team And You Still Insist I Need To Join One? Me and Bansky are doing just fine. Fuck all ya’ll.
Come back when you can spend more time reflecting on how meaningless your life is.
God taught me that.

Trump Is 'Fuming' Over The Poor Response To His Truth Social App And Is Thinking Of Joining Rival Pornhub: Report

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

Why Am I Still Having To Pay Off Hookers? I Should Have My Own Fucking ChannelFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the guy who often blamed Rudy Guliani for his farts, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini is now threatening to move his official press release site to
The fake...

Sarah Sirhan Palin To Run For House Seat

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Hopes To Join Cawthorn, Boebert, Greene To Bolster Truth SquadClaiming that the pandemic hoax coupled with the “leftist antifa activists constant badgering of the greatest president this country has ever elected twice and seems ready to elect a third time in 2024” proves liberals have “ruined this...

Foo Fighters Drummer Had Nearly 100 Proprietary Substanced In His Blood

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Chemist Finds Everything From British Aluminium Coated Microplastics To The Rarely observed And highly secretive Ununennium“Frankly,” said Dr. Eaton Bieber, “we were surprised not to find more substances.
“Most Americans exist in a toxic stew of chemical contaminants, from the air we breathe to...

Mug Shots Released After Disastrous Jamaica Stopover

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Buckingham Palace Reportedly Reevaluating Official Position On Harry And MeghanThings continue to go south for the British monarchy, what with the Queen mum’s recent dustup with one of the COVID variants and the latest faux pas tour by Kate and William.

Markets are closed for the weekend, but...

Jan 6 Fugitives Fleeing To Belarus And Dubai

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

We’re Regrouping To Make America Greater Than EverFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the GOP’s current incarnation of Jesus Christ, Grabito Pussolini’s disgraced campaign manager Paul “The Saint” Manafort was apprehended in Miami this morning on a flight to Dubai to meet with the...

Scientists Admit We've Been Fucked Since The Reagan Era

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Perhaps We Should Have Mentioned This Earlier“We told you so, decades ago,” Dr. Maya Boutriques told an emergency meeting of blind-sided journalists who were stunned to discover the unpredictable weather realities they’ve been reporting on as unusual or aberrant for more than half a century were, in...

Putin Claims Russia Has Uncovered Dirt of Hunter Biden In Invasion

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Insists He Promised Former US President He Would Give Him Info In Exchange For Annexing Ukraine“Is what we agreed to at Helsinki,” Russian strongman told an ONAN reporter calling from Mar-a-Lago this morning. No other details were available at press time on “Publish.”

UPS Florida Man Follows Nose To $1.5 Billion In Illegal Campaign Contributions

Monday, March 14, 2022

Antifa Informant Uncovers Mar-a-Lago Money Laundering SchemePalm Beach County law enforcement said they found more than $1.5 billion dollars in illegal campaign contributions on the back nine at the Doral Golf Resort , thanks to a few good UPS employees who recently survived COVID and had miraculously...

Am I Really On Substack?

Monday, March 14, 2022

Disquieting Minds Want To KnowI heard a rumor…
If I could only remember my password…

OK. I Admit It

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

There Isn’t Anything You Can Do That I Won’t MockThere are very few truths in the universe, but one I will vouch for until the bomb burns my thankless ass away is that no matter how you do it I will pun and they will remain dumb all over.

Cawthorn Gets To Get Away And Fuck Us Up Another Day

Saturday, March 5, 2022

What Is It With Tarheels And All These Helms On Wheels Creeps?Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) got a big pass from Judge Richard “Teen Einsey Dick” Myers, a Turdwaffle appointee, who said the 14th Amendment was never intended to keep wheelchair-bound Nazis from running for or holding...

Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) Is The Susan Atkins Of Joe Wilsons

Thursday, March 3, 2022

The Legion Of Dimwits Strikes AgainThe State of the Union is Frist-fucked for Baby Jeebus!

Richard Engel Is The Judith Miller Of Chuck Todds

Monday, February 28, 2022

Has He Ever Met A War He Couldn’t cream His Jeans Over?I think my favorite Richard Engel angle was that time he was reporting from Syria about the refugee crisis and some woman collapsed from exhaustion at his feet, and Dick Engel stepped back so the camera crew could get them both in the shot.

Putin Blasts Turdwaffle For Withholding Aid

Sunday, February 27, 2022

‘We Cut A Deal At Helsinki!'Threatening to nuke Mar-a-Lago unless former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & reincarnation of Confederate Loser Robert E. Lee, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle commits the troops he promised at their 2018 Helsinki Summit, Russian Douchebag Vlad The Impudent expressed...

I Sure Hope Most Young Kids Have The Curious Anger Of Greta Thunberg

Saturday, February 26, 2022

Although It Is Unfortunate She Caused Russia To Invade UkraineOr have I gotten the #AltReich narrative wrong?

Jesus Died For Their Sins

Friday, February 25, 2022

Your Job Is To Fill The Collection Plate To Keep Them HappyYou know what happens when they aren’t happy, don’t you?
A: Open your fucking eyes.

Jenna Ryan Changed Her Name To Jennifer Lawrence In Prison

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

I Cut My Hair & Dyed It Brown To Blend In With The ThugsCapitol rioter Jenna Ryan served 60 days in prison after pleading guilty to being an insurrectionist asshole, and apparently has learned one very important lesson that is protected by an ironclad non-disclosure agreement.
“I had to close my...

Turdwaffle Praises Putin As 'One Tough Saavy Guy'

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

The Guy’s A Genius Even Mike Pompeo Says SoFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & toxic superfund site, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle today took time out from trying to log onto Truth, his new anti-socialist media platform, to call President Biden “a complete and total loser. You don’t have...

Let Her Rip Beans & Brew Now Open

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Make Plans To Visit The Latest Addition To The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat’s Highly-Acclaimed Imaginary Food CourtGaslighters welcome!

Trump Finally Reinstated

Thursday, February 17, 2022

And He’s Not Happy About ItAfter a year of failed attempts to recapture the warm feeling of living in the White House, free from prosecution  for even the most heinous of crimes, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & COVID super-spreader Donald J. Turdwaffle was finally reinstated on Tuesday...

Lindsey Graham Says Big Lie Could Hurt Trump's Reinstatement Chances

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

We’ve Had Enough Of Big Lies That Don’t WorkWorried that the fate of the GOP hangs in the balance, Sen. Lindsey “Soda Cracker” Graham says that the former president needs to tone down his lies a little if he wants the 2024 presidential nomination, “which we all know is his for the taking. But this...

I Guess The Reason This Seems So Normal To Me Is 75 Years Of Experience

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

I Was Raised With American Family ValuesThat’s probably the key reason I spend a full 11 months in gestation. I did not want to be here. For decades, I tried without success not to be here.
It was obvious no good could come from such horse exhaust as makes up the foundation of our nation of miserable...

Julia Fox Claims She Hardly Knew Ye

Monday, February 14, 2022

Denies Knowledge Of Rumored Trademark DisputeWearing a Team Davidson tee shirt at a Superbowl afterparty with her date, Kid Cudi, Julia Fox winked when asked if she was involved with any assholes, adding “Kanye, we hardly knew Ye.”

Kanye Threatens To Sue Twitter Over Use Of His Old Name

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Why I Pay All This Money Change My Name Ya’ll?Ye, the niggardly numbnut formerly known as Kanye of the West is threatening to sue Twitter following a smackdown by Kid Cudi for being a whiny ass little bitch.
Ye had disinvited Cudi from appearing on Donda 2 because Ye is a whiny ass littl bitch....

Afghans To Pursue Larceny Charges Against Biden For Theft Of Frozen Funds

Saturday, February 12, 2022

We Didn’t Blow Up The Twin Towers, Capitalism DidNoted tort expert Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi told outraged propagandists on Fox News today that the Biden administration will be hard-pressed “to justify stealing even more wealth from the Afghan people who had been forced by America’s proxy war to support...

Joe Rogan Considers White House Run As Independent

Thursday, February 10, 2022

If Nominated I Will Be ElectedTaking a page from the playbook of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator &  dildo expert witness, Donald J. Turdwaffle, radio czar Joe “Yes This Is My Own Head” Rogan has decided to run for president to prove that any asshole can get presidential immunity if...

He's Randy Rainbow

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

Coming Colors In The Air Oh EverywhereIt’s nice to see he’s still kicking around…

What If Civilization's Best Days Are Still 500 Million Years Down The Road?

Sunday, February 6, 2022

And There’s Not A Fucking Thing We Can Do About ItIsn’t that why Good Time Charlie’s got the blues?
Another #ExistentialTrickQuestion from Rev Darwin D. Grimm at The Church Of The Oven Of Peace, a leisure activity of The Portland Pataphsyical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat, a wholly owned...

I Mourn The Passing Of Wordle

Saturday, February 5, 2022

I Had Just Begun To Understand How Little I Know About Rocking Real Life In The Real WorldHow many times do you have to play before you lose? Will it be before that great beautiful pay wall goes up to keep out the rapists and MS-13?
Wordle 231 4/6


Feral Cats Slaughter 250,000 Steelhead Smolts At Snake River Hatchery

Friday, February 4, 2022

Antifa Ruled Out In Natural Eco-Terrorism CaseAfter ruling out early conjecture that the Army Of The Houseless Oregonians had raided the Lyon’s Ferry Hatchery in search of food, or the absence of even a single Black Lives Matter activist within 500 miles of the site, authorities had hoped to pin the...

Butterfly Sanctuary On TexMex Border Accused Of Rigging 2020 Election By Sabotaging Beautiful Wall

Thursday, February 3, 2022

They Are Not Sending Their Best ButterfliesDueling protests over the weekend caused the National Butterfly Center to close indefinitely after receiving credible threats against the staff and several endangered insect species ahead of the “We Stand America” rally that featured several well-known insurrectionists,...

What Is Wordle?

Monday, January 31, 2022

And Who The Fuck Cares?These are the kinds of questions Hamlet would be babbling about after a little too much weed, but seriously, what is Wordle? I decided to find out, so you won’t have to waste your time doing what I was put on this dying planet for!
Whether it is noble to continue working these...

I Thought Spotify Was A Feminine Hygiene Product For Light Days

Monday, January 31, 2022

Is My Face Red…Suddenly I contracted Viagra balls. Slowly I turned, step by step…

The One Body Part That Signals Dementia

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Oh, You Know What It IsYou dumb prick…

Sweet Cakes Ponders Name Change After Court Ruling

Friday, January 28, 2022

If We Can’t Deny Service To Faggots Why Doesn’t Jesus revise The Bible?I got to hand it to these nimrods. They seem to understand how the rule of lawyers works in our Christian nation of miserable fucks. I expect another GoFundMe campaign any day now.

Witness Can Confirm Matt Gaetz Was Told He Was Fucking A Minor

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

He Couldn’t Get Hard Until I Said I Was 15In yet another breaking story you’ll never see on Fox Gnus, Facebook, or anywhere in the inland lamestream media empire, these baseless allegations went totally innuendo and out the other.

NRA Blasts San Jose Proposal To Require Liability Insurance Coverage For Firearms

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Uninsured Guns Don’t Kill People; Antifas Kill People“Don’t these greaseballs have anything better do than try to take away the very things that make us great?” NRA Nimrod in Chief Wayne LaPierre asked a random Fox Gnus host after San Jose Sam Liccardo’s news conference  Monday, where he championed...

Texas GOP Attorney General Ken Paxton Sounds Alarm After Court Ruling

Saturday, January 22, 2022

We’re Fucked If We’re Forced To Let Just Anyone Vote“I’m a strict constructionist,” Texas AG Kendall Paxton told Steve Bannon in a podcast interview, “& if I remember correctly, James Baker’s reading of the Constitution that gave us eight great years of our native son George Dubya Bush, said that although...

Reproductive Rights Belong To The Unborn

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Repugnicunts Offer Compromise Language On So-Called Heartbeat BillsAfter the Reagan Supreme Court three times allowed Texas’s ban on abortions after six weeks in recent decisions, Democrats have thus far resisted calls to arm themselves, rallying behind the cries for justice from women whose right...

Mitch McConnell Clarifies Comments On Illegal Black Voters

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Didn’t Mean To Imply They Were As Valuable As Real Americans“The liberals in the fake media are putting words in my mouth again,” said the once & future senior obstructionist in the Senate, Mitch McConnell (R-Word, KY) when asked by an open-carrying 10-year-old member of the ONAN Christian Youth Corps...

NY AG Letitia James Cuts Deal To Issue Turdwaffle Indictments At Superbowl Halftime Show

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

This Will Be The Greatest Halftime Show Ever!But only if the entire family is in non-fungible stocks under the goal posts for the rest of the game.

Professor Who Called Students 'Vectors Of Disease' Nominated For Nobel Prize

Monday, January 17, 2022

At The Very Least, Barry Mehler Deserves A Medal Of FreedomI recall while still a graduate teaching assistant, telling my students I did not grade on a curve. If they completed all the assignments, they’d get an ‘A’. If they didn’t complete all the assignments, they’d get an ‘F.'
I gave "F’s" to...

When Is It OK To Call Someone The N-Word?

Thursday, January 13, 2022

Pataphysicians Dare To AskHas anyone ever called you the N-Word? I assume that people must sound pretty stupid saying it. “You damn uppity N-Word,” doesn’t quite convey the nonchalant disdain some people have for most other people, who are not of their tribe.
I’ve begun using “R-Word” where I usually...

JFK Jr. Boycotts Biden Atlanta Speech

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

I’m Done Rolling Over In My GraveWhile the corporate media is determined to paint Stacy Abram’s scheduling issue as a snub of President Biden for his inability to solve every real or imagined grievance in our nation of miserable fucks in the course of a busy year, we here at the Portland Pataphysical...

QAnon Doomsday Cult Now Urging Followers To Catch Omnicron To "Get It Over With'

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Then We Can Get Back To Tracking Down JFK Jr!I can see how the dead-enders of freedumbocracy would prefer anything to another year of COVID restrictions. Science is such a pain in the ass. Tell me where science is in the Constitution. There’s nothing in the Ten Commandments!
All their friends are...

Repugnicunts Claim Climate Change Politically Motivated

Friday, January 7, 2022

Demand Equal Time For End Of Days ScenariosEver since the Doomsday Clock hit midnight on Jan 6, 2021, partisan bickering over who is to blame for all this damned disorder has reached a fever pitch with both sides now arguing that death is better than whatever is currently being discussed outside the...

Prince Randy Andy, Douche of York, Claims Double Jeopardy

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Says Epstein Paid Virginia Guiffre Enough To Cover Any Alleged Abuse He Might Have Innocently Been Involved In“We always split the bill,” the royal asshole told the court in a recent filing, “whenever we went to town on some new virgins. In this case, it was clearly Jeffrey’s intention to cover my...

For Those Who Find My Posts To Be Total Fabrications

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Life Is Madness Even Where There Is Some Method To ItTell me again how we’re not still living in Old Rummy Reagan's supply-side plantation economy.
I just read that the correct translation of Descartes’s first principle is “I think therefore I am probably making this up.”

Thousands Protest Transexual Music City Bowl

Friday, December 31, 2021

MAGA Crowd Roars Displeasure Accusing Sponsors Of Straight GenocideThere were more than a smattering of MAGA hats among the 60,000 protestors who showed up for Thursday’s matchup between Tennessee and Purdue, a thriller won by the Boilermakers in overtime by the score of 48-45.
The raucous crowd...

Nickers Need To Gettr Groyp

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Froggy Went A Courtin'Thank God, Whoever, wherever She is.

OMG! People At A Conspiracy Conference Think Antifa Gave Them Anthrax

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Obviously These Are Breakthrough InfectionsAbsolutely everyone at the Re-Awaken America conference in Dallas on December 10 had previously tested negative for anthrax & they all had to provide proof that they had not received a single dose of the COVID-19 vaccine before being able to purchase tickets,...

Kim Potter Employs Rittenhouse Defense

Monday, December 20, 2021

It’s Not White Privilege; It’s Honest Remorse!I guess everyone needs to share a good Rittenhouse now and then.
I had no idea that Rittenhousing had so quickly replaced privilege as a white asshole’s best tactic for staying out of jail and living to crime again.

Trump Demands Refunds From No Show Supporters At MAGA History Tour

Friday, December 17, 2021

Nobody Rips Me Off & Gets Away With ItAfter days of claiming reports of poor attendance at his Orlando appearance with disgraced Fox News celebrity Bill O’Reilly was “fake news,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle abruptly changed tactics & filed a class action suit...

Trump Denies Ordering Hit On Meadows For Turning Over Documents

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

But It Really Would Be A Shame Should Something Happen To ThEse TraitorsBeleaguered former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle continued to provoke the nation’s media into excusing his crimes as “unhinged acts of an unhinged Individual 1” by asking his supporters during the...

Ethan Frome Crumbley Gets Public Defender

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Crumbley Parents Hire The Kraken, Tell Son To Bugger OffJust how Crumbley can these assholes get?
And the walls came crumbleying, crumbleying…

Dick The Halls With Lots Of Folly

Monday, December 6, 2021

Barron Punks Family With X-Rated X-Mas CardFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & pontificating prick Donald J. Turdwaffle could not be reached for comment this morning amid rumors that his youngest son, Barron von Munchmouser, has defected to antifa & is dating Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. 


Turdwaffle Denies Everything

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Claims Executive PrejudiceAs the reality of his continued unencumbered existence begins to weigh on humanity’s hope for a survivable future, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Russian pissaholic Donald J. Turdwaffle interrrupted his regularly scheduled phone rant to his rabidly athletic...

Rittenhouse To Open Paladin Protective Services

Friday, November 19, 2021

Files To Trademark Slogan “Have AR15s Will Travel”Fresh off his victory over the rule of law in Kenosha, Wisconsin, wannabe NRA spokesteen Kylie Rittenhouse announced he is opening his own security company named Paladin Protective Services, after the 1950s television character made famous by Richard...

The Next Time Some Nimrod Claims Somebody Should Have Seen This Coming

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Point Needledick The Bugfucker to Carl’s Sagan’s Testimony in 198519 fucking 85.
And he suggests it may already be too late.
In 1985.
Meanwhile, we continue to squabble about preserving jobs in the very sectors making the planet uninhabitable.
Oh nation of miserable fucks that has so many...

Ben Crump: This Is Not A Jury Of Ahmaud Arbery's Peers

Friday, November 5, 2021

But Arbery Isn’t On Trial, The Honkies AreFormer twice-impeached unindicted conspirator & alleged Individual 1, Donald J. Turdwaffle called into every teabagging nutjob radio show in his MAGAfied United States on Friday to scold black protestors who call the 11 to 1 white to black jury another example...

Facebook Rebrands Itself As METAstasized

Thursday, October 28, 2021

But You Can Call Them MetaI had first misheard the announcement on the car radio. There was talk about the metaverse & metaphors & your personal metadata, which Facebook is noted for harvesting. I would have sworn they said “Mazeppa,” which is a much, much better name.

Megyn Kelly Claims Woke Teachers Trying To Demasculate Straight White Boys

Friday, October 22, 2021

Screams Bloody Murder Out Her WhateverFormer Fox and NBC anti-evolution propagandist Megyn Kelly went on the Internet this week to podcast her displeasure that other people don’t think as perfectly as she does, claiming her private school was teaching third-grade boys that it’s OK to chop their nutsacks...

Human Remains Found Near Brian's Laundry

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Tentatively Identified As Jimmy HoffaGotcha.

Trump Threatens To Sue Americans Who Voted For Biden

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

I Worked 4 Years To Buy Those VotesFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle is threatening to file the nation’s first reverse class-action suit on behalf of the office of the president of the United States, which he claims was wrongfully stolen from him.
He is seeking...

Supply-Side Plantation Owners Blames Biden For Supply Chain Failures

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Maybe This Whole Reagan Legacy Ain’t Such A Great IdeaEnd of story.

Turdwaffle Demands Biden Reinstate Him

Friday, October 8, 2021

It’s Our Duty To Protect Executive Privilege, Joe!Hours after President Biden refused America’s favorite former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s request to protect records relating to his failed January 6 insurrection, the wannabe führer released his own executive order commanding Biden...

Shipping Company Blames Godzilla For Pipeline Rupture

Thursday, October 7, 2021

It Wasn’t Us, Says Rotterdam Express OwnerAs US fossil fuel  companies close ranks to protect their lucrative stanglehold on the fate of the planet by finding someone beyond themselves to blame for California’s latest catastrophic oil spill, Hapag-Lloyd is not playing their game.
The company owns...

Former President Still Refuses To Concede

Monday, October 4, 2021

"They Forced Me Out. I Did Not Leave Of My Own Discord”Twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around Nazi asshole Donald J. Turdwaffle has responded to recent subpoenas and requests for depositions in various legal proceedings against him by doubling-down on his baseless & unproven claims...

SD Gov. Noem Denies Fucking Corey Lewandowski

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

I Hardly Know The Fellow, In Any Sense Of The WordProclaiming her love for husband Lord Byron Noem, Viscount Of Süd Douché, South Dakota Governor Christi Noem took to Twitter in the early hours to counter rumors that she is engaged in a months-long sexual relationship with disgraced Repugnicunt humanoid,...

Instagram & Facebook Deny Involvement In Missouri High School Slavery Petition, Add Prayer Tools

Saturday, September 25, 2021

Students Hope To Reinstituting Slavery will Solve America’s Race & Labor Shortage Problems
Students in Riverside, Missouri, won the deplorable approval of former president Turdwaffle yesterday when he told Sean Hannity “our very fine people continue trying to make America great again, can’t you...

Karen Calls Cops As Gorilla Chows Down On His Gay Brother

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Someone Told Me It’s All Happening At The ZooWelcome to the monkey house, again. Is it time for some ethical birth control by letting these gorilla bros chow down on each other?
Looks like Billy The Nothinghead has infiltrated the Bronx Zoo and even turned two of the zoo’s most notorious primate...

Megyn Kelly Is Tired Of Liberals Ragging On Her Bony Ass

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

She Knows She Went From Rags To BitchingStewing in the juices of her own creation, former failed Fox and NBC newshooker Megyn Kelly is tired of being called an anti-vaxxer by liberal assholes simply because she doesn’t think kids should be vaccinated with an unproven drug to combat a preventable infectious...

NRA Proposes Solution To Climate Change

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Recommends Issuing Every American A Personal Flotation Device, Body Armor, & an AR15 With 1200 Rounds Of Armor Piercing Ammo“You can never be too prepared to defend yourself against all eventualities,” says anonymous source close to fugitive NRA leaders hiding from process servers. 
“We only want...

Bizarre Pig-Faced Shark Found Dead In Mediterranean Holding Tank

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Critical Race Theory Proven Right AgainA rare pig-faced angular roughshark considered to be a complete and total fabrication by white supremacists who consider reality to be rigged by liberals was found floating belly up in a Mediterranean petting zoo this morning. 

Long thought to be a figment...

Ghostbusters Bunch To Make Three Stooges Tribute

Friday, September 10, 2021

Megyn Kelly, Marjoe Faylure Greene, & Lorena Boebert To StaRWoke Pictures announced plans this morning for an all-female production of The Three Stooges Join The Space Force: Have Rocket, Will Travel, starring Megyn Kelly as Mo,  Marjoe Faylure Greene as Loretta, and Lorena Boebert as Crazy Jo-Ann...

Jacob Shandling Wants Everyone To Stop Calling Him The QAnon Shaman

Saturday, September 4, 2021

He Likes QAnon Conman Even Less“Why didn’t anyone tell me I was spelling ‘chamois’ wrong?” Shandling asked the court while pleading guilty to felony obstruction of an official proceeding before Congress, “I’m no shamwow guy, man. I’m the real deal.”
The incel icon who stormed the Capitol on Janury...

Hair Club For Men Blasts Joe Rogan

Saturday, September 4, 2021

Rogaine Is Not Horse DewormerPlease accept our apologies!
Our intern went on break shortly before we had to publish this. Perhaps she’ll explain what she meant if she ever gets off the pot.

Ashli Madison Cawthorn Gets Knickers In A Twist

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Holden Helms On Wheels Jr Promises Bloodshed Unless He Gets His WaYRallying a clusterfuck of KuklaM*A*S*H Turdwaffle supporters to an incel froth at the Lickskillet Speedway this weekend, North Carolina’s junior insurrectionist urged the crowd to “cash in those Dixie Cups we’ve all been saving since...

Nuts! Pay Up!

Friday, August 27, 2021

SCOTUS Evicts Millions In Show Of Support For Homeless Rights“The Constitution does not protect goldbrick renters & mortgagees behind on their payments,” writes Amy Corndog Barrett for majority. “You’re guaranteed life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself. This is a Christian country,...

You're So Vain, You Probably Think The War Was About You

Monday, August 23, 2021

Well, That’s Another Fine Mess American Family Values Got Us IntoTurns out that I’m still your only trusted news source for the kind of pure pataphysical analysis of the lunacy that passes for governance in our never-changing world where nothing is ever broken so we’ll never have to fix it.

Lt. Gov Clarifies Statement Blaming Unvaccinated African Americans For Texas COVID Surge

Friday, August 20, 2021

Slams Media For Reporting What He SaidBlaming cancel culture & wokeness for his recent bad press, Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick offered that he “may have misspoken myself” when he appeared to blame the recent catastrophic rise in COVID cases, hospitalizations, & death on unvaccinated blacks.

RegeneRon DeSantis Denies Encouraging COVID Spread

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

“You Better Believe You’ll Get Better,” Donor Tells #FloridaMan Anti-Vaxxers At Y’All Qaeda Prayer BreakfastAs ICUs in their states are overwhelmed by terminal COVID patients & they order portable morgues from the federal government, Texas Governor Greg “Bud” Abbott is getting the same Regenernon treatment...

Marjoe Faylure Greene Calls Dead People Losers

Friday, August 13, 2021

“People Need To Get Some Common Sense Or Just Die,” Marjoe Tells crowd of uneducated supportersArguing that current rising hospital rates are “fake news spread by Antifa Fauci & his northern coastal elites,” one of America’s greatest sources of greenhouse gases & proud spoiler of all the planet’s precious...

I Don't Know How Many Times I Told You I Told You So

Monday, August 9, 2021

It Seems That Every Day Is Just Another Rotten MessThis was totally predictable 40 years ago, when the Old Rummy brushed the future aside with snarky comments about killer trees, & our liberal media just ate it up. The IPCC Climate Report is going to look so optimistic in 20 years.
Hell, we may...

Florida Man Blames Biden For COVID Failures

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Gov DeSantis Tries To Wrest Whine Country Title From Oregon“This is the November election steal all over again,” Florida’s embattled governor told a crew of volunteeers helping remove 600,000 tons of dead fish and marine mammals from the Tampa Bay area, which he blamed on the recent surge in COVID...

Laurena Boebert Slammed Anthony Weiner's Wiener In Revolving Door

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

“He Had It Coming!” 1st Term Colorado Lawbreaker ContendsAnd going, I might add.

Warrant Issued For Kyron Horman

Monday, August 2, 2021

Missing Oregon Youth Sought In Capitol Riot
Lost among the mounds of statistics from the January 6th insurrection & its aftermath were several dozen reports of Kyron Horman spotted in full QAnon gear leading rioters through the Capitol rotunda.
More than 120,000 tips to the Capitol Riot hotline...

Megyn Kelly Rags On Queers

Thursday, July 29, 2021

I Guess It’s To Mop Up Her Getting Off On QueersSomebody get that bitch some Midol & a super sop-em-up.

Why Not Just Admit It?

Saturday, July 24, 2021

American Family Values Are Pretty Fucked UpI think that would have been a better headline for this CNN piece about how Fox became America’s favorite voice of American Family Values while promoting the most repugnant values since the Nixon era.
A corrollary: You think this is dumb? You ain’t seen...

Dubai Figured Out How To Terraform Earth!

Friday, July 23, 2021

Why Can’t Every Country Do This?Dubai is currently creating rainstorms to cool down the country which often exceeds 115° F.  their methods employs drones, which zap clouds with electrical charges to produce rain. I’ve already heard someone asking, why can’t every country do that? Seriously. People...

The Age Of Nixon 2.0

Friday, July 23, 2021

Nearly 50 Years Later We Still Suffer The Little Nazis To Cum Unto Jesus
While anyone with a brain consistency more cohesive than a bowl of green smile Jello can recognize how former failed führer Donald J. Turdwaffle was truly the legitimate heir to the legacy of Ronald Reagan’s supply-side plantation...

If The Universe Is A series Of 3D Donuts

Monday, July 19, 2021

Perhaps God Was Born In 1984What if the universe is more like nesting Russian dolls, except instead of dolls, it’s an endless nest of three dimensional donuts? Wouldn’t that make this guy God?

Marjoe Taylor Grunnion Gaetz What She Wants

Saturday, July 17, 2021

“The America First Show Must Go On!” Lawmakers InsistThe Hot As Hell Grunnion/Gaetz America First Tour hit a snag on its first stop today after a third venue refused to allow The Confederated Nabobs Of Neo-Nazi Regressivism to spread their alt-reich message of alternative piss, clubs, and misunderstanding...

Judge Roy Moore Punked By Borat

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Court Sides With Jewish Jester Over Pompous Christian WindbagTurdwaffle-supporter extraordinaire & alleged apprentice pedophile Roy Moore had his $95 million defamation suit against Sacha Baron Cohen tossed out today, after judge John P. Cronan of the US District Court for the Southern District of...

Republicans Protest Olympic Protestors Protesting Republican Family Values

Thursday, July 8, 2021

“Why Isn’t Everyone Against Critical Race Theory?” Racists PoutRepublicans in the House are so concerned that black athletes may continue to claim black lives matter at the Tokyo Olympic games that nearly 40 of the nasty little buggers have banded together and written a strongly worded letter to Olympic...

Michael Che Refuses Paternity Test

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Colin Jost Says “This Is No Joke”News that Scarlet Johansen was pregnant apparently took Colin Jost, Saturday Night Light co-head writer by surprise. So much so that he has demanded that his Weekend Update co-host, Michael Che, take a paternity test.
“I know I haven’t slept with Scarlet in more...

COVID Was Just The Right Disease At The Absolutely Worst Time

Saturday, July 3, 2021

Nature No-Trumps Humanity Through Turdwaffle BumblingIt sure would be nice to know where COVID came from, so we’d know what to keep an eye on for the next big organic, all-natural & incredibly dangerous thing about to kill us all, but I’m pretty sure none of the muckamucks are focused much beyond assigning...

Coming Up On The Four Month Anniversary

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Of My Twitter SuspensioNNothing really new to report. I received another form rejection which did not make any sense, as usual, a couple of weeks ago. That was the one where I offered to present their case in when Nigeria suspended their service for being Twitter. These guys are so dumb their mothers...

Nazis,Nazis Everywhere & All Their Broads Did Stink

Friday, June 25, 2021

Nazis, Nazis Everywhere, Ain’t Enough To Make Us Think?Freedumbocracy’s just another word for American #MinorityRule.

Dahmer Project Reaches Milestone

Thursday, June 24, 2021

One Million Mystery Mett Meals Served!The Anthropophagic Society of the Upper Peninsula (TASOTUP) announced it has met its fiscal third quarter guidance for its subsidiary, Dahmer & Donne alternative nutritional fast food restaurants. Critics of the high-concept niche casual dining & take out experience...

I Am Heavy Tora Bora'd Out

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Son Of A Bitch Stole My Cave!by William Bennett Serf 
The Digressional Record
NEWSFLASH! Demoblican and Repugnicunt binary agents have been scrambling dispatches from the caves of Tora Tora Bora Dora. Here is the corrected version of the latest posting from literary terrorists opposed to Fubar's...

Q-Anon Says Major Killed Champ On Orders From Putin

Saturday, June 19, 2021

“This Is Q Sending The World A Message!” Shouts Unnamed reliable SourceSuzy Q, spokesperson for the secretive leader of America’s Got The Greatest Conspiracies, greeted news of the passing of the elder presidential pop with a mixture of skepticism & bemusement this morning during a hastily called press...

Bush Resolution Captures U.N. Victory

Saturday, June 19, 2021

The Terror Channel Recount suspended; James Baker says Rule of Law has prevailed By Phineas Thomas Barnum 
Negotiations Editor
Pataphysical Malapropism Service 
UNITED NATIONS (PMS) - A U.S.-backed resolution for war in Iraq passed without opposition early...

South Carolina Postpones Executions

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Waiting On The World To Change…After Colin Sigmoidy successfully delayed his execution on grounds that he didn’t have a choice between ways of being put to death, the South Carolina legislature sprang into action & closed that loophole in May by allowing inmates on death row to choose between electrocution...

Jon Stewart Blasted For Cluelessness

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Former Comedian Immodestly Proposes COVID19 Origin StoryEnraged Twits demanded reality #CancelJonStewart late Monday night & early Tuesday morning, long before lunch, after the lapsed Jew man-boy l attempted to demonstrate how dumb #Repugnicunt efforts to convince the average uneducated American that...

Aquaman Stuck Depp In Amber

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Johnny Deep Abuser Faces BacklashTwitter users called for a boycott of Aquaman 2 after reports that Amber Heard also cut off several inches of one of Johnny Depp’s penises after smashing off twelve of his fingers & multiple hidden appendages with a roque mallet she claimed has been autographed by the...

Turdwaffle Blasts Jill Biden's Love Jones Jacket

Friday, June 11, 2021

Former Unindicted Co-Conspirator Blows Off Steam“What’s love got to do with foreign policy?” Donaldo Turdwaffle’s incoming phone mail message began this morning. “I remember the outrage from the liberal media when Mrs. Melanie wore a stylish coat to one of our migrant children welcoming centers on...

Zoom Toobin Is Back

Friday, June 11, 2021

Heftier & Stiffer Than EverLess than nine months after getting his schwantz wedgied between Iran & a hard place, CNN mass debation specialist Jeffrey “Rootin” Toobin is back behind his desk at CNN, getting paid to spew whatever the First Amendment industry is willing to pay hi to shill.
Jaunty Jeff...

Israelis Run Out Of Paraguayan Nazis; Shift Hunt To Palestine

Friday, June 11, 2021

By Larry Nada,
Outdoor Writer
Pataphysical Mythic Sacrament
April 20, 2004

Jerusalem (PMS) - Prime Minister Ariel Sharon pledged Tuesday that recently liberalized rules governing bag limits on Palestinians assure that Israeli snipers and helicopter pilots...

CDC Mum On Possible Booster Chips For Chinese Virus

Monday, June 7, 2021

Qanon Variant Stupid-Spreading Among Vaccination-ChallengedFilm at eleven.

My Appeal To Twitter's Better Angles

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Can You Be A Cute Obtuse?So far I’m batting zero for whatever in attempting to have my temporary Twit suspension on March 7, 2021 lifted. It’s time to repeat some new thing over & over, not expecting things to change, but everyone knows the way forward in our nation of miserable fucks is to recognize...

I Bet My Temporary Twitter Suspension Will Last Longer Than Turdwaffle's Permanent One

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

What Are The Odds?Beats the hell out of me.
More to the point: Who are the odds & why do I always feel more comfortable with them?
Time is made to be wasted, & I have all the time in the world to waste.

Insanity Is Not Dying The First Time

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

Albert Einstein Can Neither Be Created Nor DestoyedNot that he gives a shit.
After my latest appeal of Twitter’s suspension of my account for suggesting Ivanka Trump should name her memoir Once A Feckless Cunt, Always A Feckless Cunt, Twitter’s increasingly athletic supporters fired back a copy...

Should I Apply For A Twitter Blue Czech?

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

I Should Be Certified. It’s Only Fair!Granted, life is not fair, but Twitter is not nearly as fair as life.
My foreskin reader has assured me that I will be reinstated by August, unless  an asteroid or supply-side space debris gets me first.
I already have hundreds of hateful tweets ready to...

Trump Touts Bibi Nethead Yahoo

Monday, May 31, 2021

“He Has My Complete & Total Endorsement!”Twice-impeached former president Donald Jackass Turdwaffle took time off from his busy schedule of blogging, grifting & cheating at golf to weigh in on the fortunes of Israel’s embattled prime minister this morning. Turdwaffle praised his old ally in the supply-side...

The Myth Of Syphilis

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Why Don’t It Hurt When I Pee?I’m not sure how the Twitter court system is structured or what qualifies the judges who get paid the big bucks to weigh these difficult 1st Amendment questions against the supply side plantation economic model this nation of miserable fucks has been stuck in an endless...

Fubar Buys Reelection Campaign War Ads On Arab TV

Monday, May 24, 2021

By Rupert “Jello” Pumpkin 
Media Watch Expert 
Pataphysical Military Sentinel 

WASHINGTON (PMS) — President Fubar W. Ubu is attempting to recapture the popularity he once enjoyed when he was viewed by the world as Goober Bush, the clumsy but charming...

Why Does Western Civilization Lack Decent Cave Walls?

Sunday, May 23, 2021

Hey Jack! I’m Still Waiting For A Fucking Response!I’m beginning to suspect Twitter is convinced their supply side plantation business model will last forever, like Internet Explorer. I have yet to received acknowledgment of my petition of prayer to the Lord of the Internet to reinstate my erroneously...

From The Office Of Deposed @DoctorFaustroll

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

A Case Of Unrealistic Expectations Of ConformityThose who know me know what it’s like to be dead, know what it means to be sad, & sometimes they wish they had never been born. I admit I’m part of the reason they know & feel these things, but I’m just doing God’s work. You can’t really fault a guy for...

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It

Friday, May 7, 2021

Where's That In The Constitution?
Americans are so enamored of clichés, TLAs, & supply-side jargon, it’s no wonder we’ve become a nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™), too dumb to understand how dumb we are & proud of it, by cracker!
Individually, we’re swell. We even have saints & geniuses among...

Global Warming Is Not As Important

Thursday, May 6, 2021

As An Aborted FetusOriginally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Poopadoodle October 30, 2008
At least that’s what I keep hearing from those with paid access to first amendment guarantees. I don’t happen to accept the premise that UDT (undifferentiated tissue) should be afforded the same...

Bush Administration Denies Dropping Poisoned Food On Aghanis

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Wilford OwenInquisitive CorpsePataphysical Metanews ServiceThe Portland Pataphysical Outpatient ClinicOctober 24, 2001 08:56:51PMBAGHDAD (PMS) – Amid reports that thousands of Afghan refugees have become ill after eating Happy Meals Ready To Eat, unnamed Bush administration officials told reporters...

Crowds Riot At Reagan Viewing

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Willie Roman Nohman
Economics Poet
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
SIMIAN VALLEY, CA (PMS) – Jubilant Californians massed in the streets of this Caucasian neighborhood to celebrate the dismantling of the automatronic stand-in to former President...

Octuplets Detained On Suspicion Of Inappropriate Sexual Contact

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 6, 2009
Authorities stormed the Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center this morning, firing beanbag rounds and rubber bullets as they fought against the hospital staff to execute a Justice...


Sunday, April 11, 2021

It’s time for the slovenly media to move beyond its obsession with rendering the English language meaningless by making everything into one gate or another, especially when Gaetz is available to rent his name out for the downtrodden & marginalized pedophiles of the #Repugnicunt party.

It's Not Like We Don't All Know Racist Assholes

Saturday, April 10, 2021

We May Have Even Been winkers Ourselvesat some point. That’s how life goes, until it all stops.We have less time, every day.As a result, we work smarter, not harder, to waste the most of whatever time we have left.
We don’t agree?
That doesn't change anything.

Interpol Issues Alert For Fugitive Babushka Twins

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Sedition February 13, 2009
Few today remember the popularity enjoyed by the former First Idiot’s drunken twin daughters, Regan and Cordelia, alter-egos of sororiternal twins Barbara and Jenna, even as they careened around America in...

Bush and Blair Blame Balkans for Baghdad Blame Game

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Critics Pan The Madness of  Bush Boy George

Vincent Joad Foster
Park Bench Observer
Pataphysical Emergency Management Agency
WASHINGTON (PEMA) — Hoping to avoid questions about the incredibly dumb decision to invade Iraq on bad intelligence and declare victory...

Some Things Make Themselves Up

Friday, April 2, 2021

Uranus Or Mine?Uranus was right there in my Google news feed.

NRA Claims Nation Running Out Of Good Guys

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Victims Blamed For Rise of Gun DeathsSpeaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on the record, fugitive NRA leader Wayne Gacy LaPierre today blamed the uptick in gun-related gut piles to "a widely-acknowledged shortage of good guns with guns caused by 50 years of liberal...

The Climate Crisis On Mexico's Northern Border

Thursday, March 25, 2021

The Repugnicunt Distraction Reality FieldMost sentient humans have understood since the mid-70s that the fossil fuel industry was going to kill us all, one way or the other; either by making the air unfit to breathe, so long as we accepted a commuter economy dependent on fast food & ephemeral services,...

The Second Amendment Guarantees

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Anyone Can Grow Up To Be A Mass ShooterCan we finally get real about what America stands for? The rich have locked up the “anyone can grow up to be President,” so what’s left for the rest of us is a shot at 15 minutes of infamy.
Go for it, assholes.
Let me shoot your arguments full of holes.

Dancing Fool

Friday, November 13, 2020

Making A Mirrorball Great AgainWith apologies to Nobel Laureate Bob Dylan, let me sing: “For we were so much smarter then, we’re dumber than that now.” On October 23, 2008, long before anyone realized how many of their neighbors believed that America was not quite as great as reality showed (not reality...

My Father Worked 26 Years

Friday, November 13, 2020

26 years for one companyImagine that.
 He got screwed out of his pension because the company went bankrupt after having invested its share of negotiated contractual obligations into capital improvements which it used as collateral for loans to pay bonuses to its executive management. This was in...

Who Says Fake News Can’t Be Fun?

Friday, November 13, 2020

Not Zune enough if you axe mePublished by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, PhlakesDecember 31, 2008
You have to admire Microsoft for its persistence in avoiding actually fixing anything in its terrible products as it marches ever onward, pushing a cartoon balloon of obfuscating speech in...

Mock Them Up! Mock Them Up!

Friday, November 13, 2020

You know what really pisses me off?Published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phynality, PoopadoodleDecember 29, 2008
The absence of anything. That’s what pisses me off.
And you know what? My entire life has been spent observing the absence of anything. So many...

Seems Like Christmas All Year Round

Friday, November 13, 2020

Have an imaginary Christmas shopping seasonPublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, SeditionDecember 1, 2008
I bought another GPS on Gray Saturday to double check the accuracy of my other GPSes that have yet to tell me exactly where I am, where I’ve come from, or where I am...

Come For The Offensive

Friday, November 13, 2020

Stay for the invectiveTo go along with George Carlin’s routine on the seven forbidden words I frequently employ to offend polite company, I also like to invoke the spirit of Lenny Bruce’s Lone Ranger routine and his brilliant defense of insensitivity as a way to defuse the evil in the hearts of men...

Bush And Katrina Shitting In A Tree

Friday, November 13, 2020

Ah, poor Goober, the Bush babyPublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Poopadoodle, SeditionDecember 30, 2008
At first I thought the headlines I was seeing about how the First Idiot never recovered from Katrina indicated that he actually had the intelligence to realize what...

Another Unexplained Phenonmenon

Friday, November 13, 2020

Didn’t he ever hear of the second amendment?Published by drfaustroll at 4:54 pm under Insignificant dingalings, Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phleghmish Masters, Poopadoodle, Second Amendment Roll of Humour, Sedition, Sit down tragedy workMay 18, 2009
Despite my best efforts to educate...


Friday, November 13, 2020

There was this thing called…and between late summer 2008 and late May 2009, I produced a blog for them called Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs, which I later moved to, until Apple shut down blog hosting and switched to cloud storage. 
Today was an annoying click-troll site that...


Thursday, March 9, 2017

I misread a story by Sarah Kaplan todayIt was a story about Neanderthals. It originally appeared in The Washington Post, but I saw it in The Oregonadian/OregonadiaLive, an Advance Publication for mass click debaters. The story nestled among other unrelated journalistic gems from stiff and wired reports...

Uncommon Sense

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

From the archives of Uncommon SenseHere are a couple of obnoxious observations about the state of the art stupidity that underpins the immorality at the heart of our nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™). The selections are random, like life itself. They will neither help you get to heaven or make your...