You Ready For Flying Salt Shakers Of Death?

Have you eaten your daily allotment of cicadas & gotten your daily recommended amount of insect-based protein? Surely you’ve heard by now of the peak cicada bloom in mid-Atlantic & Midwestern states, which is about to reach alternative biblical proportions. Nutritionists & lifestyle gurus from sea to polluted sea are teaming up with supply-side pest control entremanures to encourage all good patriotic Americans to consume piles of the little buzzing buggers. They’re delicious. Many people are saying so.

Unless you’ve been living deep up the bowels of the former first idiot or his Repugnicunt supporters for a year & a half, you may also be aware that a worldwide pandemic has been raging around the globe. Recently, a new & deadly fungal infection called  mucormycosis, or Black Fungus, has been discovered in people recovering from COVID-19 infections in India. It may be triggered by treating patients with hydroxychloroquine & steroids .

Like COVID, it appears Black Fungus is an airborne pathogen spread through aerosol dispersion. In other words, if you won’t wear a mask, Black Fungus will be happy to visit your nasal passages or lungs whenever it’s having a wonderful day in your neighborhood. If Agolf Turdwaffle were still giving press conferences downplaying the pandemic, he might suggest that Americans can protect themselves against Black Fungus infection by injecting themselves with Lotrimin or using Tinactin-coated paregoric suppositories or snorting lines of Isodine Gets-It Foot Powder.

What does Black Fungus do, exactly?

Who’s asking?

Let’s just say you don’t want to get it. It’s a nasty fucker that invades human eye-sockets to feast on mucuous membranes, the sinuses, the eyeballs, the brain and the lungs. Mucormycosis is 50% fatal, making it 25 times more deadly than COVID. It also seems to suggest that COVID may be more closely related to HIV than the mainstream press is willing to accept, even now. I told you so.

There’s another fungal infection you are about to hear a lot more about, among all the recipes aimed at getting you to eat cicadas. It’s a yellow white psychedelic fungus named Massospora cicadina that gnaws on the genitals of male cicadas, eventually causing the infected insect to lose its ass end, while at the same time driving the poor dickless bugger wild to copulate using its now imaginary genitals. They’ll fuck anything. 

But here’s the kicker. It’s not the infected cicada that is trying to reproduce. It’s the fungus. The fungus is fucking the eyes out of anything nearby with the infected cicada’s half-eaten animated corpse. 

That’s right folks. We’re talking zombie cicadas.

Sex-crazed zombie cicadas!

Talk about an army of the dead!

The reason these zombie cicadas are called the flying salt shakers of death, by the way, is that they spread the fungus through spores that are ejected from their festering bodies as they beat their wings while trying to fuck things, raining down spores like tiny grains of salt, infecting whatever suspectible organism they land on.

So the question, punk, is how lucky are you feeling? Do you want to take a chance on eating some crunchy tempura cicadas with the bang bang sauce on that tapas platter? Then again, it is a psychedelic fungus! What could go wrong if you ate a handful & got a bigger buzz internally than the billions of bugs emerging from deep in the earth to overtake our dumb asses…