Loyal Republicans Scurry Away From Ted Stevens’ Light


Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics October 28, 2008 

As Dan O’Neill often said: Politics is poopadoodle, which makes it easy to see politicians for the cockroaches they are, behind their expensive wardrobes and flip-flopping morality. So it’s no wonder that within minutes of the felony conviction of Alaska’s fossilized Senator Ted “The Bridge to Nowhere Man” Stevens for doing the kinds of things politicians and business people routinely do as part of their nebulous job descriptions, Democrats were calling for his resignation and Republicans were scampering for cover.

Alaska’s folksy dominatrix and vice presidential candidate, Sarah “Plainly Simply” Palin, was first out of the gate with the cockroach analogy by releasing a statement that said the conviction “shines a light on the corrupting influence of the big oil service company that was allowed to control too much of our state. It was part of the culture of corruption that I was elected to fight.” Yay, Sarah! I guess you stuck it to the man.

Other Republicans caught up in tight reelection contests were also quick to throw Stevens under the convenient bus, as they struggle to maintain their own corrupt careers in the NOMF™.

Stevens, for his part, chalks this up to “prosecutorial misconduct.” That’s right, the putrified state lawdy-me-maker, who funneled billions in pork barrel projects to his fiefdom, is convinced that he did nothing wrong in not paying for a quarter of a million dollars in improvements to his home by companies he routinely sponsored legislation to aid. Only in America, land of opportunity, would the liberal media let such a lame defense go unchallenged.

The gnarly old dude has just been convicted of seven felonies, each of which can result in up to five years of jail time. The man is 84. If he gets the maximum sentence and serves all the time he’s got coming, he’ll be only 119 when he gets out & quite possibly a leading candidate for First Idiot. The fact is, your local marijuana dealer will spend more time for first offense possession with intent to distribute in most states than any politician or corrupt businessman ever will, even if he or she were to gun down a constitutent at a twon-hall meeting for asking an impolite question.

Before it’s all over, the Senate will undoubtedly approve a bailout for Stevens, allowing him to retire to his remodeled Alaskan retreat and live out his years in the manner to which he has become accustomed. As the years of his exile and disgrace wear on, the liberal media will eventually restore the questionable majesty of the man as they did with Richard M. Nixon. It’s called polishing a turd.

It’s the American Way.

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