Faustroll’s Sepulcher

WOW! Great News! The Former Twice-Impeached Kochsucker Says He's Not Guilty

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

I Was So Worried He’d Admit His Frequently Televised GuiltThank God a clear plurality of exceptional Americans are not yet able to activate their own...

GOP Blames Woke Trans Mob For Tornado Outbreak In Shithole States

Saturday, April 1, 2023

This Is An Affront To Our Christian Family Values, Scream Cosplaying Fox AmericansAs nature continues to pummel the intellectual deserts in this nation...

George DeSantos Denies He Ever Claimed To Be One Of Donald J. Trump's Many Idiot Bastard Sons

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

If Anything It Was Big Daddy Trump Who Begged For My Endorsement In 2016#IToldYouSo

George DeSantos (R-Word, NY) Updates Resume

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

Claims To Hold Doctorate In Sub-Prime Mortgage Management From Trump University#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Trump Declines Gaetz Nomination For Speaker Of The House

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Says He Expects To Be Reinstated Any Day Now...Hopes of an early resolution to the hilariously endearing Repugnicunt impasse over choosing between the...

Charlie McCarthy Jr. Loses Third Vote To Become Sprecher des Hauses

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

“I Was Born For These End Times,” Says Little Woodenheaded Nose JobTime Magazine’s fourth or fifth favorite Kevin of the Year, Rep. McCarthy (R-Word,...

Bald Dickhead Slams Jimmy Kimmel For Poking Fun At Toxic #AmericanFamilyValues Voters

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Kimmel Responds By Claiming Rogen Had To Change His Name From Rogaine In Trademark Kerfuffle#TheTerribleSwiftianSword is trampling down the vintage that...

Doctor Faustroll Takes The Colbert Questionnert

Friday, December 16, 2022

I Hope It’s Not Rigged!I sat down last night with a cup of hot Colbert and dared to let myself be known.

Best sandwich?Sardines and sweet onions.


third Party Searchers Find Classified Documents In Melania's Underpants

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

I Didn’t Put Them There, Former Twice Impeached Asshole ClaimsCiting the revised pre-nuptial agreement he signed before his third wife agreed to be seen...

Timothy McVeigh Finally Dies 21 Years After Daring Escape

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

It Seems Like Only Yesterday He Tricked Christine McVie InTo Holding His Seat

If you don’t believe me, check out this story originally published...

Kelsey Grammer Explains Why David Hyde Pierce Won't Be In The 'Frazier' Revival

Thursday, November 24, 2022

In Other Non-News That Makes America So Fucking Great...…former president Abraham Lincoln has declined to be involved in the Trump-produced sequel: Civil...

The Rule Of Lawyers Wins Again

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Grabito Pussolini Absolved Of Defrauding Niece Because She Signed An AgreementThat anyone in this nation of miserable fucks is surprised by this outcome after...

Corporate-Sponsored Free Press Loses Bigly On Nazi Promotional Messaging

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Apparently Some People Do Learn From History Despite The A. J. Liebling Cunts Who Keeping Running The WorldIt’s why 2023 won’t be a re-run of 1939.

Oddsmakers Give Dumbfucks Edge In Midterms

Saturday, November 5, 2022

Young People Agree With My Younger SelfWho am I to argue with my younger self? That pseudosauropod asshole had some pretty good ideas. Many people say...

I Earned Two Masters Degrees In Arkansas

Thursday, October 13, 2022

State Attorney General Leslie Rutledge Makes Me Proud I Mock & Still Hate The PlaceSome of the dumbest fucks either side of the Mississippi went to the...

After Boris Johnson England Needs A Truss

Friday, September 2, 2022

Rightwing Athletic Supporters Seem To Agree#PundyRaunch

‘The Best Tool We Have’ for Self-Harming and Suicidal Teens

Saturday, August 27, 2022

That Was A New York Times Online HeadlineI didn’t read the story. It was in the New York Times, for Christ’s sake.
But I’m guessing it’s about the...

So Let's See A Show Of Hands

Thursday, August 25, 2022

How Many Of You Timorous Bestial Assholes Think God Is About To Answer Your Prayers?Consider yourself served with yet another #ExistentialTrickQuestion....

All The Best People Who All Were Just Slovenly Old White Men

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Couldn’t Put Our Proudly Uneducated Nation Of Miserable Fucks Back Together AgainWhat?
Can’t we call a spade a spade anymore? (I once quietly quit...

Judge Seeks Clarity About Trump's Move On Records Seized From Mar-A-Lago

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

“What Do You Need, Boss?” Judge Texts Nazi Pigfucker Insurrectionist Who Appointed HerWell, will you look at that?
I didn’t even need to examine texts...

Romney: Cheney ‘Would Not Become The Nominee If She Were To Run’ For President

Saturday, August 20, 2022

We’re Republicans, Not Repugnicunts, Mormon Smiles Slyly
Conceding that it is more likely Stormy Daniels replaces John Roberts as Chief Justice of...

Identity Politics Are The Speciality Of Supply-Side Plantation-Based Marketing Consultants

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

You Don’t Believe Me? Well Good For You. Maybe You’re Not A Complete Repugnicunt Dick. Yeah, But Who Knows?I don’t like any of you motherfuckers. Never...

Trump Blames Woke Extremists For Not Letting Him Get Away With Anything

Saturday, August 13, 2022

For Everything I Do This Is The Thanks I Get?Posting to his personal blog on Truth Social, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & kind of...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Sue If Garland Releases Warrant And List Of Stolen Objects Recovered

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

This Is A Sad Day For The Job Creators In America, Former Führer Claims In Fundraising EmailFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and kind...

Eric Trump Says He Was The Guy Went To The Mattresses With G-Men At Mar A Lago

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

No Family In America Has Been Japped More Than Ours Says Former Führer’s Son“I’m tired of taking arrows in my back from antifa and the Democrats,” one...

Judge Dismisses Trump's 'Immunity' Claim In Jan. 6 Lawsuits

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

‘Hey, Fuck That Guy,” Former Führer Fumes On Fox Affiliate In Fellatio, Ohio
“What the hell does the greatest president this country has ever known...

Your Occasional Reminder That Things Have Been Worse

Saturday, July 30, 2022

And Are Undoubtedly About To Get Several Magnitudes WorseI may be permanently banned from Twitter and facing the same looming extinction event as the...

Trump Says He Was Blocked From Getting Medal Of Honor On January 6 By Secret Service

Monday, July 25, 2022

First They Took His Nobel Peace Prize & Now ThisFormer twice-impeached unindictd co-conspirator & first US president eligible to share a memorial rest...

Richfucks Admit They've Made Some Irreversible Mistakes

Sunday, July 24, 2022

Tell Everyone To Keep Calm & Carry On“It’s a little too late to do anything about it now, isn’t it?” asked Elder Goody Richfuck, “but otherwise we would...

Fact Check: A One-Source Story About Ivana Trump Being Pushed Down Stairs To Prevent Damaging Testimony Goes Viral

Friday, July 15, 2022

Claim: Former Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator Donaldo Grabito Pussolini Pushed First Wife Down Stairs To Prevent Fraud Investigation TestimonyAs...

Poll: Most American Insist They Are Going To Heaven

Monday, July 11, 2022

Most Also Confess They Don’t Really Believe In GodTo explain the seeming discrepancy, supply-side experts trotted out a series of PowerPoint presentations...


Thursday, July 7, 2022

I Am So Honored That Turdwaffle & Sons Think I Am Worthy Of Sending Them MoneyI sent them a Maya Angelou quarter and asked for a pardon.
I’m so tired...

Disorder! Disorder! I Can't Be Blamed For All This Damned Disorder

Sunday, July 3, 2022

If You Can’t Recognize This Quote, Go Pound SandAnother #ExistentialTrickQuestion.

Former Aide To Meadows Says Trump Tried To Carjack His Motorcade On Jan 6

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Feeding Frenzy Ensues Among GOP Presidential HopefulsAs the House January 6 Select Committee continued to fire nails into the fake crucifix upon which...

Study Finds Americans Unprepared For Surviving Oil Industry-Induced Extinction Event

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

As Cryptocurrencies Crash, The Only Safe Investments Seem To Be Shoulder-Launched Rockets, AR-Style Rifles, & Shitloads Of AmmoMost Americans woud rather...

Marjoe Faylure Malaprop Blames Tampon Shortage On Trannie Hoarders

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Freshman Georgia Dingbat Calls Tampon Supply Chain Issues A New “Holocaust On Women”Freshman Rep. Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) told a gathering...

James Webb Space Telescope Side-Swiped By Tesla SpaceX Roadster

Friday, June 10, 2022

Elon Musk Calls Report Fake NewsHours after NASA reporting to the new James Webb Space Telescope was struck by micrometeroids believed to be remnants...

Navarro Lashes Out At Jan. 6 Investigations In Court

Saturday, June 4, 2022

You Sons Of Bitches Are Really Starting To Piss Me OffPeter “Gunner” Navarro, former White House trade adivsor for Grabito Pussolini, the twice-impeached...

Fact Check

Monday, May 30, 2022

Uvalde Is Not Another Word For VulvaJust wanted to get the word out before the rumors start…

Only In America, Land Of Great Stupidity

Thursday, May 26, 2022

“What Place Is This?” Ask Professional American IdiotsCarlo M. Cipolla, another greasy Italian who drove a red car like Studebaker Hawk, published the...

If God Had Meant For Anything To Be Sacred

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Why Has He Forced Me To Live This Long?Just kidding. I know god doesn’t exist. I have eyes.
This was just another #ExistentialTrickQuestion nobody...

Reaganomics Created The Baby Formula Shortage

Sunday, May 15, 2022

The Supply-Side Plantation Economy Is Finally Hitting Its Stride
While everyone is busy blaming the Biden Administration for the shortage of baby...

Russia Applies For NATO Membership

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Seeks Protection From Ukrainian Defense ForcesAccording to unnamed sources at Mar A Lago, Vlad the Impudent, one of the GOP’s most reliable donors, has...

Abbott Says Texas Could 'Resurrect' SCOTUS Case Requiring States To Educate All Kids

Thursday, May 12, 2022

‘Fucking Rug Rats” Are Not Mentioned In The Constitution Says Helms On Wheels Mini-MeWasting no time mining the recent leak of a Supreme Court draft...

Cawthorn Addresses Video Released By Opposition Group Showing Him Naked In Bed ‘Being Crass’

Thursday, May 5, 2022

NC Rep. Takes To Twitter To Defend His Right To PrivacyEmbattled Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) took time off from his busy schedule...

Before I Get Too Far In The Weeds Over SCROTUMS Overturning Roe V. Wade

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

This Is About Retaining American Family Values. Read The Fucking Leaked DocumentIn the great American tradition of we no can do since things ain’t broke,...

Wake Up And Smell The #Covfefe, America!

Friday, April 29, 2022

Must Be Close To Over When I See The Old White Fat Fucker Is Singing AgainAnyone been by Troop Central lately? I hear the failed führer is getting wor...

Former President Promises Pardon For Judge Who Lifted Mask Mandate

Sunday, April 24, 2022

She’s A Very Fine Person With A Great Pussy, Former Führer Tells Rally CrowdFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the guy who allegedly...

I'm Gonna Harden My Farts

Friday, April 22, 2022

I’m Gonna Squeak Till You SquealI keep reading and hearing all this bullshit about how something during the reign of dictator-tot terror by our former...

So Many People Are Asking: How Often Should I Tan My Balls?

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Can I Schedule A Session With A Pedicure?I just got a robocall saying the local Great Clips offers a complete testosterone boosting program guaranteed...

Florida Rejects 54 Math Books, Claiming Critical Race Theory Appeared In Some

Monday, April 18, 2022

Others Contained Gay, Islam, Woke, Jewish, Or Communism EquationsGov. Ron DeSantis (R-Word, FL) announced Monday morning at a Dunkin Donuts press conference...

A New Covid Breath Mint Holds Promise, But Wide Use May Still Be Far Off

Friday, April 15, 2022

Hopes To Gain Market Share In The Lucrative COVID Alternative Healthcare SegmentLooking to capitalize on the average uneducated American’s preference...

Is It Too Late To Consider Insurance Options In Our Age Of Extinction?

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Do You Think God Killed The Dinosaurs For Saying Gay At A Pre-School In Florida?#ExistentialTrickQuestions

PPOCLL Needs Your Help

Friday, April 8, 2022

We Have No Idea What For, If Not To Grift, Which Is Not One Of Our Core CompetenciesHere is the only wisdom I have to impart: The only thing to be ashamed...

Gaetz Blasts Military Wokeism In Shouting Match With US Depends Secretary

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

General Steve Austin Tells Gaetz And His Comatose Buddies To Fuck ThemselvesAs our nation of miserable fucks continues its inexorable sleepwalk toward...

US Agency Acknowledges Damage To Dinosaur Tracks In Utah

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Our Bad. Sorry. What You Gonna Do About It Bitches?According to reports we have no intention of verifying, heavy machinery used to produce campaign and...

Herschel Walker Corrects Record On Claim He Graduated In Top 1% Of Georgia Class

Thursday, March 31, 2022

I Meant To Say Wharton Business SchoolHell, anyone can pay to be in the 1% at Wharton. It’s their entire brand identity.
Isn’t that where former twice-impeached...

Vagina 'Ginni' Thomas Says She Hardly Ever Speaks To Her Husband

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Says Pro-Insurrection Texts Cannot Be Conflict Of Interest“Fake news,” Ginger Vagina “Ginni” Thomas (R-Word, at large), long time main squeeze of hospitalized...

It's NDA Violation Time!

Friday, March 25, 2022

Trust Me, Dimwits, This Hurts You More Than It Does MeOr did I get that backwards? I can never remember how cause and effect is supposed to work, especially...

I Awoke The Night That Attica Happened And Wrote A Poem

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

It Was A Long Poem That The Arkansas MFA Workshop Did Not LikeIt’s not like the Arkansas MFA Workshop thought much about my other stuff either, but the...

Some Of My Best Friends Were Suicides

Monday, March 21, 2022

There’s Nothing Like A Truly Lasting Commitment To Something Greater Than OneselfAt least that’s what I’ve been led to accept as business as usual in...

If Ginni Thomas Poisoned Hubby Clarence

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Why Has No One Else Asked This Question?Not even on Fox News…
If you were about to leave a comment about how insensitive, inappropriate, and inopportune...

Fauci Rumored To Flee Country As New Wave Of COVID Threatens Uneducated Americans

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Sometimes Discretion Is The Only Fully-Refundable Kind Of Valor Available To The Proudly Uninformed In Our Nation Of Miserable FucksAs America closes...

Forbes Magazine Gives Humanity 13 Years To Find A New Home

Thursday, March 17, 2022

And No I Am Not KiddingYou don’t have to believe me. Good for you. I don’t believe in anything myself. But just look at these screen shots. 

Fox Threatens To Sue Russia For Tucker Carlson Re-Broadcasts

Monday, March 14, 2022

This Is The Equivalent Of Taxation Without Reciprocal RemediationThe Murdoch family served notice to Vladimir Putin this morning that they going to play...

Taxpayers Spending $2 Million Protecting Little Mikey Pompeo

Sunday, March 13, 2022

$2 Million Here, $2 Million There. Pretty Soon You’re Talking Serious MoneyWhere do I sign up to stop paying my share to protect this pompeous windbag?...

Box Of Human Heads Stolen In Denver

Monday, March 7, 2022

Lorena Boebert Demands Family’s Safe ReturnAfter years of being accused by critics of keeping her head up her ass for safe-keeping while her seditious...

You Been Lubed By Toobin: Rubbing American Raw

Thursday, March 3, 2022

CNN Launches New Self-Help ShowKeep your eyes averted unless you like what’s cumming…

4 Year-Old Commits Suicide In Shopping Cart At Publix

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Grabs Handgun From Mother’s Purse After Being Denied Box Of Frosted FlakesKaren Trump, 31, was arrested & charged with reckless endangerment after her...

Psaki Hacks Through Big Oil Arguments For Lowering Prices At The Pump

Monday, February 28, 2022

Now Is Not The Time To Add To Our Climate Problems By Encouraging The Use Of Fossil FuelsWhite House Press Secretary Jen Psaki stopped short of calling...

Pataphysical Lawyers Consider Suing Turdwaffle For Trademark Infringement

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Nobody Says Americans Are Dumb Better Than The Team Who Trademarked ‘Nation of Miserable Fucks™’ To Describe Our Uneducated Cuntrymen And TitsasFormer...

Long COVID Is Just Getting Started. Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks Is Not Ready For It

Saturday, February 26, 2022

Oh yes I fucking told you so, but you never listen to me.
And THAT, ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls, is the original original sin.

Arizona GOP Governor Douchebag Defends Backing White Nationalist Candidate

Saturday, February 26, 2022

If We Keep De-Nazifying The GOP Pretty Soon We’ll Run Out Of The Moderates That Made Our Country GreatGov. Doug Douchebag (R-Word, AZ) scolded reporters...

If God Had Meant For Life To Be Fair Why Did He Create Middle Management?

Friday, February 25, 2022

That Was The Original Title Of My Doctoral DissertationMy editors had a different idea.  They changed it to “Now There Is Only You.”
Now that I am...

Pro-Turdwaffle Repugnicunt Freedumb Convoy Promises to 'De-Nazify' Washington

Friday, February 25, 2022

We’re Dumb As Hell & We’Re Not Gonna Take It Anymore!Proving once again that no stone is too small for American idiots to emerge from under, thousands...

Turdwaffle Praises Putin's Peacekeeping Strategy In Ukraine

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

We Should Try This On The Southern BorderFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and professional political whoopee cushion, Dimwit Donald J....

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Calls For Overthrow Of Leftist Constitution

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Rep Says Democrats Are Trying To Steal His JobFreshman insurrectionist Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) wept openly on a Fucked News special...

Turdwaffle Cuts A Floodablast On Precedent's Day

Monday, February 21, 2022

This Is When I Get Reinstated Right?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Melania’s #BeBest sugar-daddy, Donald J. Turdwaffle, crashed his...

Special Counsel Durham Rejects Claims That He's Politicized High-Profile Prosecution

Friday, February 18, 2022

You Can’t Fault A Guy For Doing The Job He Was Hired To Do
John “Genuine Bull” Durham, the special prostitutor looking into how #BeBest to punish...

I Intend To Continue To Mask Up When I'm Off My Property

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

At Least Until We Hit Two Million Uneducated American DeadThat’s really not that far away when you look at the numbers, considering how many nimrods...

Rocket About To Slam Into The Moon Was Launched By North Korea, Not SpaceX

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Kim Jong Un Calls Hypersonic Missile Test A Resounding SuccessEnding weeks of speculation about who originally tossed the litter about to land on the...

Jared Kushner To Decline Nobel Peace Prize For Abraham Accords

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

He's Busy That Week Solving The Climate Crisis And Transient InflationApparently, when former first son-in-law Jared “Not To Be Confused With The Subway...

As The West's Megadrought Enters Twelve Hundred And First Year

Monday, February 14, 2022

Residents Encouraged To Conserve Water And Ride This Thing OutThe National Weather Service gave the parched US West some good news and bad news this...

Second Amendment Racks Up Impressive Cop Counts

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Fifteen Officers Mowed Down By Alleged Good Guys With Guns In Less Than 24 HoursAccording to unnamed sources close to the ongoing slaughter, if God had...

CDC Issues Warning To Pregnant Women In States With Severe Restrictions On Reproductive Rights

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Studies Find COVID Destroys The Placenta And Causes StillbirthThe CDC today issued an urgent warning for unvaccinated women in Repugnicunt-controlled...

Canadian Freedom Convoy Gets Two Thumbs Up From GOP & Fox

Monday, February 7, 2022

Mandates? But What If I Don’t Like Dates?There is nothing finer than watching a nation of miserable fucks and its slobbering media frothing in ecstacy...

Should I Created A Site Devoted To Fan Fiction Based On The Bible?

Sunday, February 6, 2022

You Should See My BegatsIsn't fan fiction a product of socialist media?
Another #ExistentialTrickQuestion

Glenn Youngkin Bitch-Slapped In Alexandria Grocery Store For Refusing To Wear A Mask Indoors

Sunday, February 6, 2022

We’re All Making Choices Today“And you’re choosing to be an asshole,” said the unidentified woman wearing a Hello I’m Not An Asshole nametag. “Read the...

Pence Clarifies 'Trump Is Wrong' Comment In Response To Turdwaffle's False Claim About Overturning Election

Friday, February 4, 2022

I Never Called Him A Liar, Professional Ken Doll Impersonator SaysAfter reports that a caravan of Proud Boys & girls was heading for his home, former...

Why Is It Every Time Some Black Person Plays The Race Card It's Because Of Some Critical Racist Theory?

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

Doesn’t It Make You Think Maybe This Is All A Little Too Convenient?I mean I don’t mean to cast any aspersions, but something just doesn’t pass the smell...

Dinesh D'Souza Phone Home

Monday, January 31, 2022

Your Anal Probe Came Back PositiveEvery man’s everyman Dinesh D’Souza is back in the fake news today with new and even more fabulous fabrications and...

CDC Warns Of New Surges In Kansas City & Los Angeles After NFL-Sanctioned Super-Spreader Events

Monday, January 31, 2022

Who Were Those Unmasked Men & Women?Promising that SuperBowl LVI will be the most infectious gathering of the like-minded since the Protestant Reformation...

Is There Anyone I Haven't Offended Yet?

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Please Raise Your Culturally Appropriate Mutated AppendageMy imaginary agent encourages me to try harder.

It Was Supposed To Be The Joe Rogaine Show

Saturday, January 29, 2022

But Someone Forgot To Check The Registered Trademark RegistryOnce a dickhead always a dickhead…

Repugnicunts Vow To Oppose Any Uppity SCOTUS Pick

Friday, January 28, 2022

Reverse Racism Shall Not Be Tolerated By Our Very Fine PeopleFormer GOP Senate Dominatrix, Mitch The Elderly Ninja McConnell (R-Word, KY), accused illegally...

This Should Be The Latest Meme & Alternative Rickroll Destination

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Any Time Anyone Invokes The Word ‘Wall’ Give Them This Turdwaffle QuoteDaughter: Mom! I’m going down to Walmart.
You: So, we would have had the wall...

Capitol Rioter Asks Court For Lenient Sentence, Arguing That He Already Suffered By Losing Work, Access To Airbnb, And His TSA Precheck Status

Monday, January 24, 2022

He’s Banned From McDonald’s & Taco Bell, His Wife Got The House & Left Him Three Aternatively-Abled Kids, And Someone Stole His Autographed MAGA Cap...

Pope Benedict Willfully Let Children Be Raped To Experience God's Hard Love

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Let’s Fuck The Devil Out Of Them, Newly Discovered Papal Bull RevealsAs if anyone should be surprised by a pope who chose to call himself God’s Beneficial...

Former White House Press Sec. Throbbing Grisham Confirms What We Suspected About Melania's Oval Orifice Behavior

Thursday, January 20, 2022

She Couldn’t Care Less About The Fucking Christmas DecorationsThe Turdwaffle White House was filled with bad actors portraying all sorts of variations...

Researchers Say Earth's Core May Be Cooling 'More Rapidly Than Expected'

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Repugnicunts Applaud Findings, Claim Global Warming Can Help Reverse Planetary Core CoolingThe virtual ink was barely digitized at the journal Earth...

We Found The One Group Of Americans Who Are Most Likely To Spread Fake News

Saturday, January 15, 2022

One Subset Of Conservative Moderates Illustrates The Idiocy Of Suffering Idiots To De-Moron ThemselvesYeah. What he said.
I never thought I’d say...

Marjoe Faylure Greene Hopes Not To Provoke Another Civil War

Thursday, January 13, 2022

That Is Not My Intention, Says Nimrod NudnikFreshman Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greene (R-Word, GA) belly-flopped into the national news again today when she...

Duke Of York Stripped Of Honorifics

Thursday, January 13, 2022

The Horror, The Horror, Of Losing The Honor, The HonorFormer Prince Andrew Windsor, the one-time Duke Of York, has been ordered to surrender his patronages...

He Has Sliced & Diced The Yahoos

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

With His Terrible Swiftian Sword So The Truth Goes Marching OnAs my uncle Hungry Chuck Bukowski always told me, “Time is made to be wasted,” and what...

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Fighting For Nazi Rights

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Jews Cannot Cancel Us!Freshman Repugnicunt Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn blasted organizers of a lawsuit to disqualify him for ever again running...

KuklaM*A*S*H Kicks Ass & Calls Names

Friday, January 7, 2022

Says Democrats Don’t Understand Democracy AnymoreAnd here to introduce the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all around malignant asshole,...

US Reports Over 1 Million New Daily COVID Cases As Omicron Surges

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Thousands Gather At Mar-a-Lago Chanting “USA! USA!”An unruly crowd drawn to Florida to celebrate the first anniversary of Antifa Infamy Day on January...

Twitter Divorces Marjoe Faylure Greenhorndog

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Social Media Giant Shuts One Of Georgia Insurrectionist’s Many Pie HolesThe Internet erupted with virtual shouts of “Huzzahs!” today as news broke that...

I've Been Reading A Lot Lately About How Clues Were Missed

Thursday, December 30, 2021

In The Weeks Leading Up To The Failed January 6 Kraken KoupI don’t know about you, but I’ve been kind of worrying about the rise of American Nazis since...

Let's Go Darwin

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Antifa Accused Of Spreading Anti-Vax Disinformation“It just sounds like something antifa would do,” said Marjoe Faylure Greene when asked why she thinks...

Seventy-Five Percent Of Former Guy's Supporters Says They Will Never Get Vaccine

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Tell Him To Shove His Endorsements Where Sun Don’t ShineRecent polling following the former twice impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s Alternative History...

Andrea Mitchell Denies Being Cloned From Chuck Todd's Facial Merkin

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

She Is Now Convinced Joe Biden Is Hiding Hillary Clinton’s E-Mail Server
Will she ever stop auditioning for a gig at Fox & Friends?

Manchin Family Slaughters Biden's Vision of America Building Back Better

Monday, December 20, 2021

I Would Like To Hope That There Are Still Democrats That Feel Like I DoWhy is there no one to rid us of these suicidally obstructionist shits?

So My Posts About Turdwaffle Actively Working Against The CDC On COVID Weren't Just Idle Speculation?

Friday, December 17, 2021

Of Course They Were; I’m A Speculative HistorianI’ll keep this short.
Is there any crime the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & favorite...

What Goes Around Is Usually Stupid And Contagious

Monday, December 13, 2021

Here We Are Now, Curt Cobain UsMore & more it seems as if The One Minute President was far more terrifyingly prescient than obvious, which I find increasingly...

Bob Dole: I'm Not In Kansas Anymore

Friday, December 10, 2021

Moves Along Down The Yellow Brick RoadPromises to visit Saturday Night Live as soon as Billie Eilish gets to host.

Japonica Glistens Like Coral In All Of The Neighboring Gardens

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

But Today We Have Shaming Of FartsGod I miss the good old days when we could kick ass & call people names…
But at least we have the Urban Dictionary to...

So Who Exactly Is This Ligi Fuck?

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Beats The Hell Out Of MeThank God for Ted Stevens’ ingenious system of tubes we now call the Interweb where I finally discovered the truth about my ghastly...

Judge Compares QAnon Shaman To Martin Luther King

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Cuts 10 Years Off Maximum SentenceIn an hour-long lovefest between Jacob Shandling, the insurrectionist formerly known as The QAnon Shaman & Judge Rolls...

As My Hearing Continues To Get Worse

Saturday, November 13, 2021

I Prefer Transcripts To PodcastsTranscripts form the backbone of The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H, but this post is about a transcript of an Ezra Klein podcast on The...

Abstractly Vapid Ann Coulter Calls Twice-Impeached Clown "Abjectly Stupid"

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

She Already Knew Former President Was Vulgar Narcissist“But I fell for him anyway,” Ann Coulter refused to say.

Trump: "Perverts" Behind Rumors He & Glenn Youngkin Hate Each Other

Monday, November 1, 2021

Former President Stops Short Of Calling Relations A “Love Fest”Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & aspiring Hitler impersonator, Donald...

Imagine That January 6 Was All About Defending American Family Values

Thursday, October 28, 2021

That's The Argument Repugnicunts Are Currently MakingI never much cared for American family values. They seemed to be something to learn from, not foment....

Facebook Reportedly Ready For Fallback Name Change

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Was Faceplant Already Taken?Facebook co-founder & chief muckamuck, Markus Aurelius Zuckerberg has been engaged in non-stop meetings with himself in preparation...

Turdwaffle Says He No Longer Likes Women Peeing On Him

Saturday, October 16, 2021

It’s Called Becoming That Much More Maturity PresidentialStill plagued by anonymous leakers who appreciate some good irony, former twice-impeached unindicted...

Dave Chappelle Continues To Be Short On Fucks

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Wimps Call For CancellationAnd the beat goes on.
The global fuck shortage has yet to lead America’s deadly serious people to reconsider whether their...

Clemson Freshman Student Section Responds To Paul Feinbaum

Monday, October 4, 2021

Freshman Cheer Shocks Absolutely No OneThe Baghdad Bob of CNN, Paul Feinbaum, recently decided that Clemson football’s dynasty is over. Feinbaum, who...

Clemson Football Fans Beg Clemson Fans To Stop A Certain Clemson Cheer

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

I Wonder Which One It Could BeAs it turns out, some people are upset about a paw hand gesture some students are making.
Back in my 60s, during rat...

Turdwaffle Blasts New Air Force One Color Scheme

Friday, September 24, 2021

Former Guy Calls Rainbow Flag Design “A Complete & Total Disaster”As America moves on from its regrettable past toward a more inclusive and promising...

An Introduction To Pataphysical Panpsychism

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Go Where No Nads Have Gone BeforeDr. Martin Picard, whose great-great-grandson will one day command the Starship Enterprise, argues that mitochrondia...

Missouri Police Department Shows Itself How To Defund Police

Monday, September 20, 2021

Entire Department Resigns Because Nobody Likes ThemThe community police state in Kimberling City, MO, suddenly collapsed in late August when the city’s...

Dems Tell Repugs To Be Thankful They're Only Taxing The Rich

Thursday, September 16, 2021

We Could Be Demanding To Eat The Rich, Says Deep State StrategistAs Democrats in office finally begin responding to their voters’ demand to dismantle...

Liberals Push To Change Flag Day To Honor LGBTQs

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Offer Cost Efficient Solution To Creating New Queer HolidayIn a move some MAGA supporters consider a slight to the legacy of their hero, former twice-impeached...

Richard Spencer's Hometown Changes Name To Gefiltefish

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Niggardly Nazi’s Dreams Of An Eternally White Christmas ShatteredBack in 2016, Richard Spencer seemed was rising star in Repugnicunt circles, touted...

Ivermectin Overdose Patients Outnumber Accidental Gunshot Victims In Shit-Hole States

Saturday, September 4, 2021

This Is A Clear & Present Danger To Our Second Amendment RightsDoctors throughout regions of the U.S. predominantly populated by the uneducated and overtly...

Florida Man Charged With Trying To Extort Florida Man

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Matt Gaetz Denies Ever Meeting His WifePun intended.

Ashli Boebert's Family Wants Congressional Medal Of Honor

Friday, August 27, 2021

“She Was An American Heroin,” Neighbors Tell Dissociative PressAshli Boebert, no relation to her sister from Colorado, congressturd Lorena, was shot...

Mike Lindell To Sue Antifa For Cyber Symposium Sabotage

Saturday, August 21, 2021

“Antifa Attacked Me In The Elevator!” Mike Lindell Tells Personal Reporters
Sporting a half inch bruise on his chest, allegedly sustained when he...

Taliban To Host Turdwaffle Reinstatement In Kabul On September 11, 2021

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

“It’s The Least I Can Do,” Says Abdul Ghani BaradarThe Taliban wasted no time Tuesday thanking President Trump & US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo for...

Turdwaffle Incites Alt-White Supporters To Hunt Down Capitol Cop

Thursday, August 12, 2021

“Avenge Ashli Bobbitt!” Obese Former First Nazi ShoutsNot content with inciting one insurrection on his way to a well-deserved jail sentence or public...

I'm Old Enough To Remember When Our Free Press

Saturday, August 7, 2021

Had A Commitment To Something Other Than The Supply-Side Bottom LineNow they just whine & beg for money, like everyone else in the four estates that...

Trump To Pardon January 6th "Peaceful Loving Protestors"

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

"If It’s The First Thing I Do,” President In Exile PromisesWith his reinstatement as president less than 10 days away, Coup Master & all-around son of...

Turdwaffle Throws Self Under The Bus

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

“I’ve Never Heard Of The Guy,” Says Former GuyAttempting to further distance himself from his failed January 6th insurrection, Donald J. Trump went on...

Repugnicunts Dare Scientists To Prove Them Wrong

Monday, August 2, 2021

“We Know Our Known Knowns,” Unnamed Nimrods DeclareAccording to a newly released report from the House Repugnicunt Alternative Certitude Committee, COVID-19...

Someone Made Like A Three-Legged Tool

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Olympic Gold!Please tell me Clare Balding is not her real name. 

The only thing that could have made this better is if the swimmers name was John...

In Death As In Life

Friday, July 23, 2021

Gerald R. Ford Continues Tripping Over His SchwantzFormer President Gerald R. Ford is perhaps best known for mentoring Chevy Chase in stand-up & fall...

Dunkin Donuts Is Laughing Behind Our Backs

Monday, July 19, 2021

Are We The Flukes Of A Nudibranch?There is a really interesting article at livescience that goes well with DD coffee loaded with cream & sugar.Here’s...

Game Called On Account Of Sporadic Gunfire

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Cancellation Comes After Two Hour Reload DelayCalling the situation “a travesty,” last night’s game between the Wampee Fallen Warriors & the Honea Path...

Ways This Pataphysical Web Site Is Way Better Than Twitter

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

The World Needs More Anti-Social Pro-Socialist Media
I break the rules here even before I make them.
I get as much engagement as on Twitter without...

US Bureau Of Mimes Shutters Intern Program

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Another Casualty Of The #MeToo MovementAlthough some are blaming the demise of the mime intern program on improper branding identity politics efforts...

Fox News AntiFaxxers Tilt At Whirling Durbin Windbag

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Carlson Goes Down Ingraham’s Cracker SnapperAs the Delta variant of the Democrat coronavirus hoax lays seige to the nimrod states, Democrats are calling...

Mo Brooks Sued By Fans Of Comedy

Saturday, July 10, 2021

“Not Funny,” Says Audience Member Dressed Like TurnipAfter exhorting his Army Of The Uneducated at the 2021 Conservative Political Action Conference...

The Worst Things In Life Are Also Free

Friday, July 9, 2021

Pluck That Magic Twanger, FroggyOriginally posted to some place or other on or about September 24, 2004.You can never tell when some stupid cocksucker...

@DoctorFaustroll Joins Turdwaffle Suit Against Twitter

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

“I’m As Right Wing As They Come,” Says Pataphysical Old FartCiting his ongoing battle with the Twits at Twitter, @DoctorFaustroll today threw his considerable...

NRA Claims Most Gun Deaths Are Vaccine-Related

Monday, July 5, 2021

“We Need More Testing To Establish Root Cause” Says Uninformed SourceCiting rising vaccination numbers that correspond to an increase in gun-related...

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones

Sunday, July 4, 2021

But Words Can Get Me CanceledNot that I’ve ever given a fuck.
I continue to embrace no commonly held opinions.
I insist on not believing anything,...

Trump Pardons Cosby

Thursday, July 1, 2021

Castor Pours Oil On #MeToo FireThe former twice-impeached president alternative tweeted today that “Congratulations, Bill. I never promised you & Fat...

Q-Anon Charmin Set To Prove His Incompetence

Saturday, June 26, 2021

“I May Look Dumb,” Cosplay Nebbish Insists, “But I'm No Idiot!”Garry Jacob Changling, better known as the fur-clad, barechested, horned accountant who...

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Fart

Friday, June 25, 2021

But I’m Willing To Be Proven Wrong

God, I Can't Wait For The Next Pandemic

Monday, June 21, 2021

There Were Entirely Too Many assholes At My Crabbing Spot TodayThey were letting their dogs & kids run free in a roped-off protected snowy plover exclusion...

I Must Be Losing My Grift

Friday, June 18, 2021

#PundyRaunch Sincerely Regrets To Inform You We clearly missed a golden opportunity to give new meaning to the phrase “The Snyder Cut” in that post about...

Zack Snyder Claims Batman Eats Pussy

Friday, June 18, 2021

Maybe That’s How COVID Jumped From Species To SpecistYep, I remain banned on Twitter for mocking our nation of miserable fucks & feckless cunts, but...

Uh-Oh Maybe It Wasn't Wuhan Labs

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Infections Surge Where Chinese COVID Vaccines Are UsedMaybe the former guy was onto something when he said: “We can’t let the cure be worse than the...

Netanyahoo Blasts Biden For Rigging Israeli Elections

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Bilious Bibi Claims Ouster “Worse Than Holocaust”Self-proclaimed senior war gigolo & highest-ranking honorary Israeli Nazi, Benjamin “Benjy” Netanyahoo...

Feds Shoot Man For Laughing At Anthrax Hoax

Friday, June 11, 2021

Uncommon Sense Pataphysical MetaNews Service 
Oct 16 2001 01:01:33AM
WASHINGTON (PMS) — Declaring that preparations undertaken to combat bioterrorism...

What If It Turns Out Things Are Very Broken

Monday, June 7, 2021

And The Last Guys Who Knew How To Fix Things Were Slaughtered At Normandy?Another unanswered question from #PoorDickHeadsAlmanac.

Unmentionable President Pleads Questionable Case

Sunday, June 6, 2021

More Uncommon Sense Rueban Sano
YU Central Scrutinizer

WASHINGTON (YU) – Most of the terrorists involved in the Sept. 11...

If You Do The Same Thing Again & Again To Demonstrate The Obvious

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Life Will Continue To Mean Absolutely NothingDon’t blame me when I state that the obvious is or are obvious.
Why anyone expects his or her problems...

Missing Dinosaur Found Inside Shooting Victim

Friday, May 28, 2021

Car Wash Autopsy Find Shocks Scientist
Doctor Faustroll
Senior Car Wash Editor
Simonized Metadata Servicing


Gay Islamic Zombies Join Sadr Budweiser Insurgents

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Jorge Humberto Romero
Foreign Correspondent
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Sacrament

AN NAJAF (PMS) — Hundreds...

Turdwaffle Vows To Challenge Asian Anti-Hate Bills

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

62 #Repugnicunts Vote Their Lack Of Consciences
Even before President Biden signs The COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act into law, former Insurrectionist In...

Many People Are Asking

Monday, May 17, 2021

“Dr. Faustroll,” They Ask, “What’s Got Into You?”I’m old enough to remember when “Shivers” was called “They Came From Within,” & this was the poster...

Schindlers Demand New Autopsy; Schiavo Hauls Ash; Administration Issues Arrest Warrant

Monday, May 17, 2021

Joe Bob Mangler
Forensics Desk
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

LOU PINELLAS PARK (PMS) — Autopsy results...

U.S. Tells North Korea To Enter into Itself

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Biblically SpeakingLee Poebouy
Expatriate Alcoholism Editor
Pataphysical Antiganda Syndicate


Loyal Republicans Scurry Away From Ted Stevens’ Light

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics October 28, 2008 
As Dan O’Neill often said: Politics is poopadoodle, which makes it easy to...

War, Then, Open Or Understood, Must Be Resolvéd

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Doctor Faustroll Would Rather Fool Around In Hell Than Bend Over In Twitter’s Hot Plate HeavenDidn’t take long for the Twitter TrussBuddies to respond...

Nation Braces For Police Riots Following Verdict

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Chauvinists Decry Cancel Culture Witch Hunt“Hello, caller, you’re on the line with the Mr. Pillow Guy!”“Thanks for taking my call, Mike!”“Don’t thank...

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Fart

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phyddling About February 2, 2009
This can, of course, prove lethal to you, because...

Terrorist Arrested In Reagan Plot

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Joe Sacco
Security Analyst
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
RANCHO MIRAGE (PMS) – A man arrested...

Octuplet Doctor Sued By Marvel Comics For Copyright Infringement

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 7, 2009
In yet another stunning development in the bizarre...

Doc Ock And Octomom Deny Bile Farm Involvement

Monday, April 12, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phleghmish Masters, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 10, 2009
A spokeslawyer for Dr....

Ohmigod! It’s Time To Do Something Drastic!

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynality, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 10, 2009
I just received several...

North Korea Tell U.S. To Fuck Off

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Lee Poebouy
Expatriot Alcoholism Editor
Pataphysical Antiganda Syndicate
SEOUL, South Korea (PAS) -...

St. Ballantine’s Day

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phynality, Sedition February 14, 2009
It’s great being an imaginary Catholic. You...

How To Lose Friends

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February 15, 2009
I wrote a column for a little literary magazine 30 or 40 years ago that described...

Special Prosecutor Urged to Probe Bill Clinton Involvement in Economic Collapse

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Invective, Kommerce and Kulchur, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 16,...

Obamination: The Retrospective

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 19. 2008
As the extremely late...

Frankly, Scarlett, I Don’t Really Give a Sinatra

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Sedition February 17 2009
One of my former co-conspirators punked Poets and Writers,...

I've Been Asked To Take a Time Out

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics on February 18, 2009
I’m sorry, but I can’t mention the name of the person or persons who asked...

Obamination: The Quickening

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition Februry 21, 2009
Our story thus far: Even...

Obamination: The Pre-Inauguration Weaks

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Easy Does ItOriginally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 21, 2009
Part three in a never-ending...

Obamination: Select all and delete forever

Monday, March 29, 2021

Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February 23,2009
Reality check: The world is not your apple. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom precludes...

Octomom vows to birth on

Monday, March 29, 2021

More Than 7 Deadly SinnersPublished by drfaustroll under Blather, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes February 24, 2009
To strains of I am Wombman,...

Bush calls dibs on British brain

Monday, March 29, 2021

The Slice Of BrainPublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 25, 2009
I recently placed...

Another Well-Trodden Path

Monday, March 29, 2021

Another item rescued from the vault.Footwear Futures Soar As Bush Ponders Lip-Synch TourOriginally ublished by drfaustroll under Invective,...

Just When You Thought

Monday, March 29, 2021

It Was Time To Think Something, Fuck...
…if I wasn't suddenly reminded of a joke I didn’t get the first time I heard it because I was in elementary...

NPR Mail Art?

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Something SavedSometimes an email message is just an email template lost in the ether.

Shiitake Hits Fan Base

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Chick Korea Joins Asian Fusion BandSEOUL, South Korea (PAS) —  North Korea said Monday that a huge shiitake shaped cloud seen near its border with China...

Released Prisoners Shot While Trying To Complain

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Marcus D. Sadr
Bonded Disciplinary Critic
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

ABU GHRAIBASS, Iraq (PMS) – American...


Thursday, March 25, 2021

The MeMe GenerationA sphincter’s worth will sometimes launch a million turds.

Drunken Elephants Bang Paris Hilton Train

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Billy Katzinsakiswinkle
Essential Existential
Editor Fabulous Information Bureau


I Was Lost Until Some FuckHead Found Me

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Where Is Anti-Social Media When We Need It?I am about to randomly select a piece from the archives. It may be funny. It may be silly. It can never be...

Just like starting over

Thursday, November 5, 2020

I Am Justice And I Write The Wrongs
I’ve been a lie foreverI wore the very first thongI put the turds and the punishments togetherI am justice and...