Navarro Lashes Out At Jan. 6 Investigations In Court


You Sons Of Bitches Are Really Starting To Piss Me Off

Peter “Gunner” Navarro, former White House trade adivsor for Grabito Pussolini, the twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and allegedly the first man to give hands a bad name, was arraigned today on two misdemeanor counts of contempt of Congress. It did not go well.

Navarro (R-Word, in jail) had repeatedly defied requests and subpoenas from the House select committee investigating the failed Jan 6, 2021 GOP mission to overthrow the US government and was apprehended at a Nashville airport as part of a plea deal to allow him to promote his new book, “Taking Back Trump’s America,” on the Fox News network in exchange for handcuffing him without first tenderizing him a little bit.

Protestors who greeted Navarro as he arrived for his arraignment at the David Khoresh Court Building carried signs saying “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” A spokeswoman for the protestors refered questions about the meaning of their demonstration to Google.

Inside the courthouse Navarro blasted liberals and “the naive Tik Tok Teens of democracy” for not knowing how business is done, calling attempted congressional oversight of his activities as “a witness to one of the greatest Reichs in the past thousand years, an affront to what once made this country great, before the War of Northern Aggression. Mark my words. You’ll pay for this, like you pay for everything else.”

Navarro called the actions of the House panel “acts of pure partisan presidential harassment against everyone who supported the greatest president this country has ever seen since Ronald Reagan, our Founding Father who took awhile bring born” and vowed to resist what he termed unlawful attempts to intimidate him by “charging me with actual crimes, as if the American people won’t see right through that to the man behind the curtain, biding his time.”

We will admit that after several staff meetings, some including entertainment, refreshments, alcohol, and other uncontrolled use of controlled substances, the editorial board was not quite sure how to interpret that last bit, so we left it as God made it, which some of our more idiotic readers might agree was a valid thing to say even in as a godless a universe as this one.

Navarro, who often jokes that he is not named after the famous sixties WWII film starring a bunch of actors nobody ever complains about anymore, is representing himself, citing the Rule of Lawyers, which replaced the Rule of Law during the reign of Old Rummy Ronald Raygun, the spiritual father of Donald J. Turdwaffle, a man who proved that at least 72 million voting age Americans would have elected Hitler in 2020.

Admit it. There’s someting scary about that last paragrapah. If I allowed comments on this blog, you could try to tell me what it is. 

Navarro said he was tired of being hounded by investigators and law enforcement who seem to think they are entitled to investigate him because he probably broke the law. "Who are these people?” Navarro spat. “This is not America. I mean, I was one of the most distinguished public servants in the world in all of history for four years in the greatest White House since Plymouth Rock, and nobody ever questioned my ethics or criminal behavior. And now they say I have no executive privilege? Who do they think they are?”

Judge Vera Fukawi advised Navarro that he could risk incriminating himself through his comments. “There’s a lot of attention upon you in this case,” Fukawi said. “Every time you open your mouth, just remember you could be saying something to be used against you in this court, asshole. I know it’s hard for you, not being, you know… I’m sure you mean well, but you want to please too many bosses. Just remember, every time you say a fucking word, asshole, we’re recording it, and we will use it to put you away where the sun don’t sign.”

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