I'm Gonna Harden My Farts


I’m Gonna Squeak Till You Squeal

I keep reading and hearing all this bullshit about how something during the reign of dictator-tot terror by our former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the weird uncle you and your siblings really wanted to shut the fuck up with extreme prejudice one Thanksgiving by tossing his raving homophobic Nazi ass into the neighbor’s septic tank.

You were afraid he was connected to the top crime bosses in the neighborhood, when Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini seemed to signal the beginning of our twister-edition game of slipping into authoritarian darkness.

Granted, Americans are known for being the kind of people who cannot learn from experience and feel compelled to perfect their failures through a series of repetitive actions in direct conflict with their own largely unrecognized self-interest, but I’ve been around this exceptionally blockheaded children’s show of freedumbocracy for three-quarters of a century, and I suggest that liberating several thousand breeding pairs of Nazis from Europe after World War II was not the best or brightest activity our nation of miserable fucks has ever undertaken.

After all, we were slavers in the beginning who evolved into genocidal maniacs who papered over our slaughter of native peoples as God’s own Manifest Destiny for his chosen few, a jingle of jingoistic excellence that allows us to say “Be righteous to one another” even down to the present era of our looming extinction.

If Americans had any fucking tanned testicles they’d be demanding their state, local, and federal government jobs programs only promote those positions with the expressed aim of keeping existing species alive beyond 2050, instead of those only aim is to keep prices at the pump non-controversial until the mid-term elections.



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