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NRA Proposes Solution To Climate Change

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Recommends Issuing Every American A Personal Flotation Device, Body Armor, & an AR15 With 1200 Rounds Of Armor Piercing Ammo“You can never be too prepared to defend yourself against all eventualities,” says anonymous source close to fugitive NRA leaders hiding from process servers. 
“We only want...

Bizarre Pig-Faced Shark Found Dead In Mediterranean Holding Tank

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Critical Race Theory Proven Right AgainA rare pig-faced angular roughshark considered to be a complete and total fabrication by white supremacists who consider reality to be rigged by liberals was found floating belly up in a Mediterranean petting zoo this morning. 

Long thought to be a...

Ghostbusters Bunch To Make Three Stooges Tribute

Friday, September 10, 2021

Megyn Kelly, Marjoe Faylure Greene, & Lorena Boebert To StaRWoke Pictures announced plans this morning for an all-female production of The Three Stooges Join The Space Force: Have Rocket, Will Travel, starring Megyn Kelly as Mo,  Marjoe Faylure Greene as Loretta, and Lorena Boebert as Crazy Jo-Ann...

Jacob Shandling Wants Everyone To Stop Calling Him The QAnon Shaman

Saturday, September 4, 2021

He Likes QAnon Conman Even Less“Why didn’t anyone tell me I was spelling ‘chamois’ wrong?” Shandling asked the court while pleading guilty to felony obstruction of an official proceeding before Congress, “I’m no shamwow guy, man. I’m the real deal.”
The incel icon who stormed the Capitol on Janury...

Hair Club For Men Blasts Joe Rogan

Saturday, September 4, 2021

Rogaine Is Not Horse DewormerPlease accept our apologies!
Our intern went on break shortly before we had to publish this. Perhaps she’ll explain what she meant if she ever gets off the pot.

Ashli Madison Cawthorn Gets Knickers In A Twist

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Holden Helms On Wheels Jr Promises Bloodshed Unless He Gets His WaYRallying a clusterfuck of KuklaM*A*S*H Turdwaffle supporters to an incel froth at the Lickskillet Speedway this weekend, North Carolina’s junior insurrectionist urged the crowd to “cash in those Dixie Cups we’ve all been saving since...

Nuts! Pay Up!

Friday, August 27, 2021

SCOTUS Evicts Millions In Show Of Support For Homeless Rights“The Constitution does not protect goldbrick renters & mortgagees behind on their payments,” writes Amy Corndog Barrett for majority. “You’re guaranteed life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself. This is a Christian country,...

You're So Vain, You Probably Think The War Was About You

Monday, August 23, 2021

Well, That’s Another Fine Mess American Family Values Got Us IntoTurns out that I’m still your only trusted news source for the kind of pure pataphysical analysis of the lunacy that passes for governance in our never-changing world where nothing is ever broken so we’ll never have to fix it.
All...

Lt. Gov Clarifies Statement Blaming Unvaccinated African Americans For Texas COVID Surge

Friday, August 20, 2021

Slams Media For Reporting What He SaidBlaming cancel culture & wokeness for his recent bad press, Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick offered that he “may have misspoken myself” when he appeared to blame the recent catastrophic rise in COVID cases, hospitalizations, & death on unvaccinated blacks.
“Fake...

RegeneRon DeSantis Denies Encouraging COVID Spread

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

“You Better Believe You’ll Get Better,” Donor Tells #FloridaMan Anti-Vaxxers At Y’All Qaeda Prayer BreakfastAs ICUs in their states are overwhelmed by terminal COVID patients & they order portable morgues from the federal government, Texas Governor Greg “Bud” Abbott is getting the same Regenernon treatment...

Marjoe Faylure Greene Calls Dead People Losers

Friday, August 13, 2021

“People Need To Get Some Common Sense Or Just Die,” Marjoe Tells crowd of uneducated supportersArguing that current rising hospital rates are “fake news spread by Antifa Fauci & his northern coastal elites,” one of America’s greatest sources of greenhouse gases & proud spoiler of all the planet’s precious...

I Don't Know How Many Times I Told You I Told You So

Monday, August 9, 2021

It Seems That Every Day Is Just Another Rotten MessThis was totally predictable 40 years ago, when the Old Rummy brushed the future aside with snarky comments about killer trees, & our liberal media just ate it up. The IPCC Climate Report is going to look so optimistic in 20 years.
Hell, we may...

Florida Man Blames Biden For COVID Failures

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Gov DeSantis Tries To Wrest Whine Country Title From Oregon“This is the November election steal all over again,” Florida’s embattled governor told a crew of volunteeers helping remove 600,000 tons of dead fish and marine mammals from the Tampa Bay area, which he blamed on the recent surge in COVID...

Laurena Boebert Slammed Anthony Weiner's Wiener In Revolving Door

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

“He Had It Coming!” 1st Term Colorado Lawbreaker ContendsAnd going, I might add.

Warrant Issued For Kyron Horman

Monday, August 2, 2021

Missing Oregon Youth Sought In Capitol Riot
Lost among the mounds of statistics from the January 6th insurrection & its aftermath were several dozen reports of Kyron Horman spotted in full QAnon gear leading rioters through the Capitol rotunda.
More than 120,000 tips to the Capitol Riot hotline...

Megyn Kelly Rags On Queers

Thursday, July 29, 2021

I Guess It’s To Mop Up Her Getting Off On QueersSomebody get that bitch some Midol & a super sop-em-up.

Why Not Just Admit It?

Saturday, July 24, 2021

American Family Values Are Pretty Fucked UpI think that would have been a better headline for this CNN piece about how Fox became America’s favorite voice of American Family Values while promoting the most repugnant values since the Nixon era.
A corrollary: You think this is dumb? You ain’t seen...

Dubai Figured Out How To Terraform Earth!

Friday, July 23, 2021

Why Can’t Every Country Do This?Dubai is currently creating rainstorms to cool down the country which often exceeds 115° F.  their methods employs drones, which zap clouds with electrical charges to produce rain. I’ve already heard someone asking, why can’t every country do that? Seriously. People...

The Age Of Nixon 2.0

Friday, July 23, 2021

Nearly 50 Years Later We Still Suffer The Little Nazis To Cum Unto Jesus
While anyone with a brain consistency more cohesive than a bowl of green smile Jello can recognize how former failed führer Donald J. Turdwaffle was truly the legitimate heir to the legacy of Ronald Reagan’s supply-side plantation...

If The Universe Is A series Of 3D Donuts

Monday, July 19, 2021

Perhaps God Was Born In 1984What if the universe is more like nesting Russian dolls, except instead of dolls, it’s an endless nest of three dimensional donuts? Wouldn’t that make this guy God?