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Florida Remains Must Belong To Brian Laundromat

Thursday, October 21, 2021

It Only Makes Sense Some SuggestMinutes after chief medical examiner for Wingnut County, Hans Oppenheinie told swarming entertainment reporters that identification of the remains found near items belonging to fugitive Instagram influencer Brian Epstein Laundromat “could take days, if not weeks”, a...

Marjoe Faylure Greenie Blasts Ahmaud Arbery Protests

Sunday, October 17, 2021

This Ain’t Southern Justice!Georgia’s freshman Nazi infiltrator Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greenie called into Fox News on Friday to complain about protests in Brunswick calling for justice for Ahmaud Arbery, a black jogger who was hunted and killed by three good old boys during the height of Turdwaffle’s...

Southlake Texas Schools To Carry Necronomicon To Counter Bible

Thursday, October 14, 2021

What’s Fair Is Fair Say SatanistsFollowing a decision by the Carroll Independent School District in Southlake, Texas, that mandates both-siderism in public education so that Mein Kampf & The Art Of The Deal must be taught to balance Holocaust propaganda like The Diary Of Anne Frank & Catch 22, a granfalloon...

Enormous Space Station Demolished Ancient Middle Eastern City

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Earliest Known Space Force DisasterIn an article published in the journal Seancific Reports, researchers suggest that the biblical destruction of the ancient LGBTQAI+ city of Sodom was based on actual events.
Dr. Dixon Aziz, Specist Projects Director at the Toad Suck Hollow Paleophilately Research...

Me Or Turdwaffle?

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Vegas Refuses To Give Odds On Who Gets Reinstated FirstTime is still meant to be wasted.

Tomorrow I File A New Appeal To Get Reinstated As President Of Twitter

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

It’s The 7 Month Anniversary Of My Temporary SuspensionI did a quick search to see how I’ve been doing, and found this tweet from the day before I fell from the grace of Jack and Twits. No doubt I was being too kind, as usual, in wielding #TheTerribleSwiftianSword.

Breaking News From The CDC

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Link Established Between Cognitive Flatulence & Irritable Vowel SyndromeA report in this month’s New England Journal Of Appliantology says new discoveries in the fossil record have established a direct link between chronic cognitive flatulence and a series of changes between medieval and modern English...

Facebook Reportedly Cancels Planned Move To Norilsk

Monday, October 4, 2021

Fuck Zuck Movement Grows As Company Embraces Alternative  Damage ControlAs shares of the company plummetted following disclosures that systemic malfeasance, misfeaseance, & nonfeasance are a key teaching of the tech giant’s corporate culture, bemused citizens around the world are voicing concern as...

Black & Indigenous People Slammed By Lamestream Media For Trying To Make Gabby Petito Tragedy About Them.

Thursday, September 23, 2021

What God Wants God Gets, Say Christian JournalistsAs preventable deaths from the Turdwaffle Flu Pandemic plows through a new milestone of 700 thousand corpses, climate change continues to kill thousands daily around the planet, causing millions to seek refuge in mass migrations, 20 years of unfunded...

Mississippi Gov. Taint Reeves Says Prayer Is God's Vaccine

Sunday, September 19, 2021

God Only Kills Those Who Deserve ItIn a wide-ranging interview with Jake “The Snake” Tapper on CNN’s State Of The Union, Miss. Gov. Taint Reeves called gravity over-rated, dismissed calls for good goverance as antifa whining, and claimed that more than 20,000 Americans have died after getting the vaccine,...

Journalists Outnumber Nazis At Justice For J6 Rally

Saturday, September 18, 2021

Former Guy Fails To Show Up… AgainThousands of Tik Tok journalists waving YU News Service credentials descended on the nation’s capitol Saturday, trampling several dozen pro-insurrectionist Constitutional savants protesting American democracy and the right of antifa to vote for somebody other than...

Ashli Madison Cawthorn To Wage First Totally Tweeted Campaign

Friday, September 17, 2021

Promises To Make Idiots A Protected ClassNorth Carolina junior Reprehensative Ashli Madison Cawthorn hopes his Twitter followers will reelect him to a second well-paying term to prove that government should not be reserved for people with measurable intelligence and a useful skill set.
“We’re...

Caitlin Jenner Cries Foul On California Recall Results

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Olympic Medalist Cites Polling She Claims Showed Her With 5 Point Lead Over ElderCaitlin Jenner, the Olympic medalist formerly known as Bruce, did more than complain as results of California’s gubernatorial recall election trickled in, showing her with less than .6% of the total votes cast. She accused...

Turdwaffle To Visit 9/11 Memorial In Search Of Photo Op

Saturday, September 11, 2021

“To Honor Our Great Sacrifice At Ground Zero,” America’s Favorite Führer Tells Fox NewsExpressing frustration at how long the reinstatement process is taking, former twice-impeached co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle plans to visit the NYC 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero this morning to call attention...

Hundreds Of American Mercenaries Were Left Behind

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Fox News Argues Their Alleged Presence Is Protected By NDAsIf it ends up that the remaining Americans and allies left behind in Afghanistan when the last American troops were withdrawn are all mercenaries with most employed by Academi, the private Repugnicunt army formerly known as Blackwater and Xe...

Millions About To Lose Unemployment Benefits

Monday, September 6, 2021

NRA Reports Shortage Off High-Capacity Magazines & Armor-Piercing AmmoIt looks like America’s Second Amendment may finally come in handy after all.

Two Hundred Returning Troops From Afghanistan Flagged For Possible Terror Ties

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Two Of The Flagged Americans Are Wanted For Roles In January 6th InsurrectionAt least 200 American troops who participated in protecting the peace deal Donald J. Turdwaffle signed with the Taliban in 2020 have been flagged for alleged ties to white nationalist terrorist groups, including the Proud...

#FloridaMan Gov RegeneRon DeSantis Invests In Santisary Napkin Company

Friday, August 27, 2021

Another Day In ParadisePMS has learned that embattled Repugnicunt governor & Turdwaffle impersonator, Ronald RegeneRon DeSantis, was recently granted trademark protection for DeSantis’s Sop ‘Em Ups. For When You’ve Already Got Your Hands Full.
They allegedly insert themselves.

Blue States Begin Rationing Oxygen

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Unvaccinated Are Last In LineIn terms even a fan of America’s alleged favorite pastime can understand: “Three strikes & you’re out.” 
Beginning September 1, patients must show proof of vaccination before being admitted to ERs or ICUs in all the blue states & most of the red states that accept...

GOP Blasts Dems & Antifa For Hoarding All The Safe Vaccine

Sunday, August 22, 2021

“They’re Killing The Uneducated!” Texas Repugnicunt ClaimsAs COVID sweeps through the shithole states, the GOP is raising alarms that downplaying the threat posed by the deadly Kung Flu over the past year & a half has greatly reduced their deplorable base. This realization has forced the party to pivot...