Elon Musk's Mom Says She Knew Her Son Was An Asshole Before Preschool—Happy He Didn't End Up In 'A Basement Somewhere' Like Other Assholes

Saturday, September 16, 2023

It Doesn’t Take Much To Turn A Regular Headline Into An Honest HeadlineThat’s why whenever our ace in the hole journalists here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge And Laundromat get a chance to set the record pataphysically straight, we do not shy from the task.

Nimrods Celebrate 20th Anniversary Of Fubar Bush's War To Avenge His Daddy's Honor

Thursday, March 23, 2023

There’s A Reason The US Liberated So Many Nazis After WWIIGranted, it wasn't a particularly good reason, but when has that ever stopped our bloodthirsty ignorant population from celebrating carnage?
Take the NRA.

McCarthy Scrambles To Secure Enough Nazi Votes To Secure #AmericaFists House Rules Package

Monday, January 9, 2023

Hard-Whiners Demand Right To Reinstate Former Insurrectionist In Chief To Keep Law And Order“Everything is on the table,” wimpiest speaker in US history tells fawning reporters, “with a few secret negotiations going on under it, of course, because that’s what has traditionally made America great."

You Gotta Admit These Hilariously Feckless Repugnicunts Are Kind Of Fun Have Around...

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

...Assuming You Choose To Ignore The Entire White Supremacist Neo-Nazi Thing They Have Going#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Oaf Keepers Accuse Loud Goys Of Jew Loving

Monday, January 2, 2023

Auntie Smitty Says, Be Nice Now, Boys#PundyRaunch

Antifa Awakens Deepest Freedumb Nazi Fears By Celebrating Another Replacement Victory

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

A Mexican Restaurant Will Replace Rep. Lorena Boebert's NRA-Themed Shooter’s Bar And GrillDozens of deplorable supporters of idiocy, the GOP, fund-raising Christianity, and former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator and pussy-grabbing golf-cheater what’s his name, took to the streets this morning...

Some Say Guernsey Butter Makes It Incredibly More Better

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Even Without A Little Green RosettaYeah, but what am I supposed to say that wouldn’t suggest a conflict of interest that is unlikely soon be resolved, if we were permitted to view the world through the lens of critical race theory, but what the fuck, promoted by a hemorrhoidally challenged buttfucking-addicted...

When I First Read About The New Vagina On A Stick

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

I Assumed It Was The Latest Marketing Effort By Iowa To Remain Competitive In The Early Primary Marketing SeasonOops.
My bad.
The real story was not about hot nookie for sale at a red state county fair, but rather about the latest efforts by frustrated federally-funded lab rats to create a purely...

WHO Renames Monkeypox To Remove Racial Stigma

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

It’s Now Called Honkeypox#TheTerribleSwiftianSword from #PundyRaunch

Dr. Fauci Admits What A Pale-Faced Naive Motherfucker He Is

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

“I Never Thought COVID Would Kill A Million Non-Gay Americans"As if our fellow citizens haven’t always been stupid enough to kill themselves to preserve the prevailing white American family values. Heil Reagan!

Repugnicunts Outraged At What A Small Percentage Of Registered Democrat Voters It Took To Defeat Their Nazis Asses

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

The Founding Fathers Never Realized How Quickly We’d Be Overrun By All These Humanists, Feminazis, Tik Tok Teens, Gays, Uppities, and IllegalsThe only time I encounter Repugnicunts is during the election yard sign season. I never see signs for Democrats, but I do live in a Democratic state populated...

They Tell Me You Attract More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar

Monday, November 7, 2022

I’m Still Not Sure Why I Would Want To Attract Flies In The #AmericaFirst Place, But Hell, We’re In #AmericaFirst, The Dumbest Fucking Country On The Dumbest Fucking Planet I Know, So Let’s Go For It Ron! Slather My Loins In Honey!I’ve just been advised this post will likely piss off your run-of-the-mill...

In The Beginning Was A Heavenly NDA Protected Turd

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Only Idiots Agree With Current Polls On Midterms According To Bigots Against IdiotsNinety percent of Republican voters agree. The racist motherfucking assholes.
You upset?
Stop being a stupid racist motherfucking asshole.
Or die.
I don’t give a shit either way.
Neither does your...

Bill Maher On Why John Oliver And Trevor Noah Win More Awards: "My Shit Really Stinks"

Tuesday, October 11, 2022

Maher Steps In Own Foul Rhetoric On Wing Nut Pod People CastApocalyptians applaud.

Trump Team Proposes Q For Special Master

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

DOJ Counters With Franz Kafka#TheAmericanWay!

Fox Calls Biden Speech Divisive For Encouraging People To Vote

Friday, September 2, 2022

This Is The Last Thing We Need Right Now After 2020 Says GOPMAGA Repugnicunts claim Biden’s speech in Philly attacking racist Nazis in Trump’s GOP base is an attack on half of the nation, despite no evidence that the original 796 breeding pairs rescued from Europe after WWII numbers more than two or...

1.3 Billion Dollar MegaMillions Winner Is Saudi Tourist With ISIS

Friday, August 26, 2022

Officials Had Been Wondering Why No One Had Come ForwardSeveral taxing entities have declined comment on word that the latest humongous MegaMillions jackpot is the latest in a long line of multmillion dollar jackpots won by state sponsors of terrorism, this time by Saudi Arabian tourist Malcolm bin...

Marjoe Faylure Malaprop Under Investigation For Swatting Herself

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Embattled Shithole State Nazi Pigfucker Attempts To Play The Woe Is Me CardPerennial anti-woke mob teabagging PTA candidate, Rep. Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) was quick to deny any involvement in the recent swatting call against herself.
“I may be stupid,” Malaprop told a fatberg of eager...

The Kids Will Always Be All Right

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Even The Asian Ones

Court Puts On Hold Graham's Testimony In GA Election Probe

Monday, August 22, 2022

Lady G Needs Time To Fabricate New Evidence Of InnocenceA federal appeals court on Sunday temporarily put on hold a lower court’s order requiring that U.S. Insurrectionist Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Word, SC) testify under oath before a special grand jury that already knows he is guilty of illegal efforts...


Saturday, August 20, 2022


Pro-Trump FBI Protest In D.C. Is A Flop

Monday, August 15, 2022

Kochsucking Nazi Cockroaches Scurry Back Into Hidey HolesA pro-supidity rally in front of the FBI’s Washingto, D.C. headwaurters was mocked by Tik Tok Teens on Sunday after no one showed up at the heavily advertised event that promised to reinstate former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and...

GOP Claims Credit For Biden's Massive Climate & Healthcare Bill

Friday, August 12, 2022

We Told You We Would Fix Obabacare. Promises Made, Promises KeptThe GOP wasted no time taking credit for Joe Biden’s victory in passing the Inflation Reduction Act, claiming that without their united opposition to Democrat efforts, the bill would never have passed.
“The Democrat will try to paint...

How Are The Nazis In Your Family Responding To GOP Calls For Civil War?

Thursday, August 11, 2022

Most Of Mine Are Dead & I Hope Most Of Yours Are TooIf you think that’s an un-Christian position to take as we continue our silly slog toward mutually assured extinction, then maybe you deserve what’s coming for you.
It’s the same as is coming for everyone, even those who are almost self-aware....

Trump Holds Commanding Lead Among Uneducated Petty Criminals

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

In This Country Anyone Can Grow Up To Be The Worst He Or She Can BeIn my nearly 76 years of drinking and drugging heavily in a futile attempt to determine what’s so fucking great about sobriety, one thing has stood out in examining the hopes and dreams of too many of my fellow citizens in this nation...

Angry Americans Determined To Queue Up In Airports Until World Ends

Monday, August 8, 2022

We’re Mad As Hell And We’re Not Going To Take It AnymoreAs our global extinction deadline fast approaches, most proudly uneducated Americans remain unconvinced that the planet will also be uninhabitable for them, despite overwhelming consensus among scientists that we have already passed the point...

Explainer: What's Next For Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Uneducated Minds Want To KnowOh, is it too soon after the fossil-fueled KY Jelly floods?

God Promises To Find More Time To Visit His Creation

Friday, August 5, 2022

I Apologize For Letting Everything Go To Shit. I Really Thought You Assholes Would Be More Like MeReached at his vacation home in the Gashole Galaxy, a spokesangel for the Big Guy admitted that his creation had resulted in unforeseen consequences that mayb force Him to abandon the entire idea of constructing...

Wash Your Ass Q Guys

Sunday, July 31, 2022

There’s A New MAGA In Town

Hey Abbott! I liked you better with Costello.

Senate Repugnicunts Tell Veterans To Suck It Up Like They Did At the Iraqi Burn Pits

Friday, July 29, 2022

Either You’re A Patriot Stopping The Steal Or Liberal Scum, Frivolous Fascists ProclaimI guess the GOP is betting most of these vets and their family members and friends will die before the mid-term elections.
#IToldYouSo in 1896.

Nobody Better Beat Down On Our Meta

Sunday, July 24, 2022

This Is Tommy’s Meta Market…I’m really counting on dying to help me answer our current #ExistentialTrickQuestions.

Trump Called National Archives To See If He Could Rescind Emancipation Proclamation

Thursday, July 21, 2022

If At First You Don’t Secede, Try, Try, Try Again“Why haven’t the Dems let us investigate whether the Emancipation Proclamation was legal or an uncompensated taking of property from our very fine neighbors of the Southern persuasion?” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator and first morbidly...

Ivana Trump, First Wife of Former President, Has Died

Thursday, July 14, 2022

Turdwaffle Posts On Truth Social: ‘I Have No Idea Who This Woman Is, I Barely Recognize The Name, So She It’s Obvious She’s Lying'Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator beleaguered failed führer Donaldo Grabito Pussolini apparently confused breaking news that his first Russian bride and mother...

There's Less Than Four Months Until We Vote The Nazis Out

Monday, July 11, 2022

Don’t Matter What Party They Belong To; Nazis SuckAfter 40 years of our minority-rule #ReaganLegacy of a supply-side plantation economy propped up by a militarized community police state, it’s no wonder our nation of miserable fucks can’t find time to address the fast-approaching fossil-fueled global...

For Those Who Think That Life Is Just A Game

Saturday, July 9, 2022

Do You Like The Part You’re Playing?I haven’t managed to lose at Wordle yet, so I thought I’d try Quordle
Daily Quordle 166
🟩🟩🟩⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ 🟨🟨⬜⬜⬜
⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ 🟨🟨⬜🟨⬜
⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜🟨⬜🟩🟩 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛


NRA Applauds July 4th Shootings That Show We're Winning

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

More Than 220 Americans Killed By Gunfire During Celebration Of Explosions & Other Noisy Pastimes, But Not A Single NRA MemberHey.
When it ain’t broke, as they say, don’t fix it.
That’s #TheAmericanWay.

One Of My Favorite #ExistentialTrickQuestions

Sunday, July 3, 2022

Why Doesn't It Get Better With Time?

Amber Heard Considers 2024 Presidential Run To Pay Johnny Depp Judgment

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Am I Not Just Another American Who Can Grow Up To Be President?Citing her abysmal approval ratings following her universally panned performance under oath during her duelling defaqmation trial with Johnny Depp, consummate actress Amber Heard (R-Word, #MeToo), announced formation of an exploratory committee...

Trump Takes To Truth Social To Claim He Never Asked Pence To Overturn The Election After Dramatic Jan 6 Hearing

Friday, June 17, 2022

A President Doesn’t Need To Ask Because He’s Commander In ChiefFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Ivanka’s alleged first lay, Grabito Pussolini, took to his personal blog this morning to deny he ever asked former vice president Mike “ e’ll Eat Anything” Pence to overturn the 2020...

Donald Trump Slams 'Pitiful' January 6 Investigation And Teases 2024 Run In Rambling Statement

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

I Swear To Tell The Truth, The Half Truth, And Nothing But The Social Truth, So Help Me, GodIn a lengthy statement only slightly less incoherent than his monumental Cullman, Alabama recitation of The Epic of Kuklamash, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the kind of COVID celebrity...

Renaming Prospector's Spring To Asshole Backwater Has Wide Support

Saturday, June 11, 2022

This Is An Issue That Can Bring All Sides TogetherI propose that all offensive place names in our nation of miserable fucks be replaced with the kinds of names we won’t get tired of calling each other no matter who becomes our future woke crowd of know-it-all Nazis.
How about turning Squaw Mountain...

Marjoe Faylure Malaprop To Release MAGA Dictionary

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Literals Show Fragrant Disregard For Our Unalienable Whites To Wife, Libertines, & The Pantsuit Of CrappinessMisrepresentative Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) emerged from her burrow this morning after another nightlong alternative reality battle with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (GND Socialist, NY)...

Monkey See, Monkey Too

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

You Think COVID Was Bad?Looks like the real and imaginary diseases are learning much faster than the American Family Values nimrods they infect, which is fine by me. There will always be more caves than I can paint.
I see the CDC responded to early indications that some variants of the monkeypox...

Pussolini Threatens Roxanne Pulitzer With Legal Action If She Doesn't Call Off 'Antifa Attack Dogs'

Friday, June 3, 2022

Blithering Bloviator Blasts Bombastic Bestowal Body After Bull Durham Beat DownFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and die-hard champion of racist #AmericanFamilyValues, Grabito Pussolini, took to Troof Sentinel on Wednesday to slam “a jury packed with antifa, BLM, and illegal aliens”...

I Propose A New Pledge Of Allegiance

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

That Is Sure To End Our Reluctance To Accept American Carnage As A Way Of LifeI pledge allegiance to the guns of the United States of America, and to all the freedumb for which they stan, one notion of a clear con, indefensible, with sucking wounds and shrapnel for all.

Georgia Rep Prepares For Future Opportunities

Monday, May 30, 2022

Gringo To Open Peach Tree Dishes Restaurant ChainRep. Marjoe Faylure Gringo (R-Word, GA) has enlisted famed intellectual property attorney, Sonny Scheister, to monetize her most promising gaffe in her short, ludicrous career, before “antifa and the woke mob rip us off and mock us at the same time.”

Sticks And Stones May Break Our Bones

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

But An Offensive Joke Can Drive Us To MurderI can’t remember where exactly in my great upbringing in #AmericanFamilyValues I first encountered that thought, but whenever I hear some wimp complaining that its feelings were hurt because someone treated it with indifference,flippancy,sarcasm, or even...

Trump Tells Perdue To Declare Victory

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Don’t Let Them Steal Another Election!Former twice-impeached unindicted c-conspirator and guy who never won the popular vote in his life, Grabito Pussolini, weighed in on the Georgia R-Word gubernatorial primary early Tuesday, noting that the Save America wing of the nutjobs in the GOP had agreed to...

Military Plane Carrying 39 Tons Of Baby Formula To US Crashes Into Ukraine Orphanage

Sunday, May 22, 2022

Oh, The Humanity!For those still unclear on pataphysical concepts…

Tik Tokers Decry Water Restrictions

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

If God Wanted Americans Only To Shower Once A Week He Would Have Put It In The BibleAlthough I usually side with the Tik Tok Teens on most absurdities, their recent obsession with daily showers proves them to be just another variant of the classic American miserable fuck who can argue that preserving...

Researchers Find A Gigantic Structure Beneath The Surface Of The Moon!

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Moon’s South Pole-Aitken Basin May Conceal Solar System’s First Chuck E. Cheese LocationA gargantuan structure has been discovered on the dark side of the moon, buried more than 180 miles beneath the moon’s perpetually frozen South Pole.
Researchers from Baylor University in No New Texas, USA, initially...

Rand Paul Wrests Weekly Dumb Dickhead Title From Joe Manchin

Friday, May 13, 2022

The US Senate Reaffirms Its Flaccid ImportanceSo this is what the world’s greatest deliberative body has come to: letting one self-important oily little prick dictate what democracy is while ignoring the will of an entire nation of miserable fucks because that’s #TheAmericanWay!

Did The Dinosaurs Have News Readers And Op Ed Writers?

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

There’s So Much We Don’t Know About Our Sauropod AncestorsBut if humans are any indication of the heights of intellectual mastery a stable genus can achieve, fucking dinoaurs, man, those nimrods needed to go extinct. Every last one of them would still be waiting for former twice-impeached unindicted...

America Sucked When I Was Growing Up From All The Nazis

Sunday, May 8, 2022

The Nazi Resettlement Program Never Got Any Shit In The NewsAs my old man once said when I was old enough to understand what words meant, “We gotta pay the Nazis to fight the commies. You think them lousy commies gonna fight for nothing?”
People were created to fail and disappoint one another.

US Supreme Court Orders Investigation After Confirming Authenticity Of Leaked Document Suggesting Roe V. Wade Will Be Overturned

Thursday, May 5, 2022

How Long Do You Think It Took Those Assholes To Admit They Seriously Thought Alito’s Dumbass Dialetical Dysentery Was Going To Make America Great Again?How surprised do you think Sam The Sham Alito was to discover his flowery fascist misogyny did not compare favorably to Kukla, Fran, and Ollie Wendell...

Susan Collins Considering Apology To Poor People For Gorsuch & Kavanaugh, Confirmation Votes

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Tells Close Friend How Embarrassed She Is For Picking The Wrong CardsSen. Susan Vodka Collins (R-Word, ME) expressed consternation that her otherwise unreliable judgment had been proven so wrong with her recent Supreme Court confirmation votes.
“How could I have known they would lie to me under...

SCOTUS To Celebrate Mother's Day By Giving American Women The Chance To Rent Their Wombs Out For Unwanted Pregnancies

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

This Is What Modern Conservative Repugnicunts Call A Win-Win For EveryoneFinally, poor women of color will be able to fully participate in Old Rummy Reagan’s supply-side plantation economy by renting space in their wombs for rich white women who don’t have the time or patience to deal with their reproductive...

Lawn Care Lobby Sues To Stop California Water Rationing

Friday, April 29, 2022

Calls Climate Change A Threat To America’s Great LawnsCiting statistics showing more than 95% of the world’s lawn care specialists live and work in the USA, The International Turf Tenders have threatened to withhold campaign contributions from Joe Manchin (Dumb F-Word, WV) and Kirsten Sinema (Dumb...

Trump Refuses To Spend Money On Mid-Terms Until He Is Reinstated

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Former Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator Says He’s Still Being Treated UnfairlyFailed führer Grabito Pussolini reminded a wedding reception at his Doral Golf Resort this morning that since he never conceded the 2020 election he is technically more qualified to be president than “Sleepy Joe...

Trump Said He Took Cognitive Test Because He Didn't 'Like Being Called Stupid'

Monday, April 25, 2022

Turdwaffle Tells Uneducated Ohio Rally Crowd He Aced X-Test To Own The Radical Left ManiacsFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the kind of guy only the Catholic hierarchy would trust alone with their unacknowledged offspring without video surveillance, Grabito Pussolini claimed Rep....

American Nazis Watching France Closely For Signs Of New Vichy

Sunday, April 24, 2022

We Need More Nimrods Globally To Beat These Liberal Wimps And Their Uppity Antifa Allies, Says Unnamed Source Close To The Big Sphincter At Mar A LagoWhen God created Americans, He looked around and said “WTF have I wrought?” without any sense of irony & He’s been living high on the indiscriminate...

I Have A Thing For Uranus

Thursday, April 21, 2022

I Feel Like I Was Groomed To Love Uranus By White Christian Suburban Housewives"Who would do a thing like that?” someone asked, rectumhorically.

CDC Reports More Than 1200 Jesuses Shot And Killed This Good Friday

Monday, April 18, 2022

Not A Single One Is Risen Today, Says Rev Darwin D. GrimmNyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah,” says founder of the Church of the Oven of Peace, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Loung, & Laundromat, “I told you so!”

Mitch McConnell Goes On Rampage Against Democrat Neighbor

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Some Call The Vicious Attack Worse Than #TheSlap

Scientists Claim They've Found A Squadron Of Perfectly Preserved Dinosaur Pilots Killed In Space Invasion Of Earth 66 Million Years Ago

Thursday, April 14, 2022

Illegal Interstellar Incursions Are Nothing New Says PaleoncologistIn a complete surprise to residents of South Dakota, the recent discovery of perfectly preserved dinosaur pilots in Tanis indicates that North Dakota does indeed exist, despite several well-documented expeditions into the mysterious...

Madison Cawthorn Thanks Trump For His Ability To Stand At Rally

Sunday, April 10, 2022

It’s A Miracle! Another Helms On Wheels Shouts To Admiring Crowd Of Nazi NimrodsBeleaguered freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) ended his comments at a rally to raise money “ or the great heroes who are working so hard to Save America from antifa and wokism!” with an impassioned...

Devin Nunes Blames Reality For Truth Social Failures

Friday, April 8, 2022

All Those Cow Memes Aren’t Helping EitherNo one knows if Devin Nunes has ever really had a dream during his miserable attempts to tell everyone else what to do, but one thing is certain: that beligerant asshole can really fuck up a wet reality show host’s idea of what a social media empire looks like....

An Official Press Release From Pundy Raunch

Thursday, April 7, 2022

How Fucking Dare Anyone Out There Make Fun Of Ammon After All He Has Been Through?When did Idaho become so woke that its incompetent, corrupt, and anti-freedom court system thinks its absurd level of malpractice can justify Ammon Bundy actually being took to jail today on charges of contempt for something...

Ginni Thomas Infamous Photo Shoot For Hustler Resurfaces At Jan 6 Investigation

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

Dem Members Complain They ‘Can't Unsee This Abomination'In an attempt to prove she is as mainstream as any other spouse of a Supreme Court justice, Clarence “Pube Boy” Thomas’s wife Ginni apparenty butt-texted Liz Cheney and Adam Kinsinger, the two Repugnicunt members on the House committee investigating...

GOP Rep. McClain Falsely Claimed That Trump Caught Osama Bin Laden. The Al Qaeda Leader Was Killed During The First Obama Administration, When Trump Was Still Hosting A Game Show.

Sunday, April 3, 2022

She Was Probably Thinking Of Jeffrey EpsteinOh, was I not supposed to actually write that thought down?

Is Moore's Law Still Relevant?

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

For Christ’s Sake, Assholes, When Was It Ever Relevant?The title of this post was an actual clicturbate link on a site whose name you’d recognize in a minute if I were willing to mention it without compensation.
A special cheat treat for those interested in not being swooped up in The Rapture: many...

Trump To Pardon Will Smith For Slap Heard Round The world

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

It’s On The Top Of My List As Soon As I’m Reinstated“I think he showed incredible restraint,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and only American president in the Guiness Book Of World Records for lying under oath told Peter Doocy this morning while waiting to take delivery of the new...

I Have Good News And Bad News Tonight

Friday, March 25, 2022

The Bad News Is There’s No Good NewsThe good news is I won’t have to put up with you assholes much longer.
So you’re disappointed?
You want different good news tough shit. That’s not how the good news or the good times roll.

I Told You So

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

But #TheRuleOfLawyers Still Doesn’t Give A Fat Rat’s BootyOne great thing about being permanently banned from Twitter is I don’t get suspended for posting Turdwaffle fund-raising e-mails that are protected by non-disclosure agreements.
Seems like only twelve days ago that I pubished this piece called...

Putin Lists Demands For Ukraine Ceasefire In Phone Call With Turkey's Dicktaster Erdogan

Thursday, March 17, 2022

I Am So Sick Of These Gay NATO FuckersFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Kriminal Kremlin Klown, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle’s most steadfast political ally, Russian President Vladimir Putin cold-called Turkish President Johnny Dip Erdogan this morning to chat about world affairs.

Devin Nunes Admits He Can't Handle The Truth

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

Promises To Have New Turdwaffle Propaganda Site Fully Operational By 2024Former Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Word, at large) conceded this morning that the roll-out of Turdwaffle World’s alternative reality web site “could have been a lot worse, when you consider what might have happened if we hadn’t focused...

Good Infant With Gun Goes Bad, Shoots Mother To Death

Monday, March 14, 2022

3-Year Old Has Been NRA Member Since Mom Was ImpregnatedCallng the parking lot shooting a tragic accident, officials in Doltville, IL, today refused to release the identity of an infant who fired several rounds into his mother after she failed to get him a box of Skittles at a neighborhood Food For...

Freedumb Convoy Blows Attempt To Paint Protests As Ukraine Tribute

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Maybe Painting Z’s On Our Trucks Was Not The Best Idea We’ve HadThe America First Freedumb Convoy has been plagued by poor planning and monumental incompetence from the beginning. First, organizers neglected to check to verify the date of the State of the Union Address (SOTU) they intended...

Freedumb Convoy To Waste Fuel And Contribute To Green House Effect Until Demands Are Met

Sunday, March 6, 2022

They Hope To Have Demands Complete Before Turdwaffle Is ReinstatedAmerica’s dumbest and dimmest are at it again, having missed blocking Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address by a full five days because of the “Biden administration’s inflexibility in rescheduling his speech until we could get there.”

Shit Floats When It's Having A Good Time

Friday, March 4, 2022

That’s All Ye Knows Of Life And All Ye Needs To KnowAre we having pun yet?

Lorena Boebert Claims Coveted Dumb As A Dildo Award

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

I Couldn’t Have Done It Without My Voters!Among the hundreds of One Minute Politicians who whored for attention at yesterday’s State Of The Union address, Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) laid claim to the most feckless cunt in the room certificate for congratulating the president on the death by cancer...

Antivaxxer Finds Cure For COVID

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

May Be A Hell Of A Lot More Iffy Than Getting The VaccineKaren Humongous Whitestones, 55, was a rabid anti-vaxxer whose extended family voted a straight, white, holier-than-thou ticket “for hundreds of years back to when America was great and pursuing its manifest destiny to bring the word of our savior...

Tired Voters Demand Right To Kill Themselves Without Government Interference

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Mask Mandates To End Long Before PandemicBe stupid out there, people. You deserve it.

Roseanne To Sue Former Turdwaffle Attorney General To Force Surname Change

Sunday, February 27, 2022

I May Be An Asshole But I Don’t Give Aid And Comfort To Nazi PigfuckersGod, I’m glad I’m still permanently banned from Twitter or I’d probably get a 7-day suspension for this freep.

Sea Levels Have Been Rising Since The American Civil War

Saturday, February 26, 2022

The Reason Say Repugnicunts Is The Emancipation ProclamationI guess that explains why they keep trying to make America great again by re-enslaving using jails.

62 Percent Of Voters Say Putin Wouldn't Have Invaded Ukraine If Turdwaffle Were President

Saturday, February 26, 2022

More Evidence Of Where Americans Keep Their Heads These DaysA solid majority of uneducated American voters say that Russian dicktaster Vlad The Impudent Putin would not have invaded Ukraine if his favorite Western puppet were still in power, according to a new survey by the prestigious Center For Alternative...

I Paid For A Masters Of Fine Arts From The University Of Arkansas

Friday, February 25, 2022

I’m Not Sure Where The Oxymoron Is In This ConfessionYou tell me.

Ukrainian People Call 8 Billion People A Bunch Of Money-Grubbing Pussies

Thursday, February 24, 2022

I Mean Who Can Argue With That?Especially if you consider that if you still have a job, you probably had to sign a series of non-disclosure, non-disparagement, non-compete, and other documents clearly not in your self-interest, which means you are doomed to suffer and die in this nation of miserable...

The First Successfully Cloned Animal Dolly The Sheep Would Be 25 Years Old This Week

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Except People Ate HerShe made quite the delicious Easter supper with mint yogurt sauce and some deviled egg salad on the side.

Nation Succumbs To One Minute Wishes

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Living In The Real World Proves Too Stressful For Our Nation Of Miserable FucksThe damn pro-life people seem to be unclear on the concept when it comes to protecting lives from virulent mutating pandemics as they demand a return to the normal counter-productive provincial lives that got us into this...

New Study Finds Stupidity Ineffective In Treating COVID-19

Sunday, February 20, 2022

American Family Values Found To Be Roadblock To Protecting Public HealthNext up, scientists will try to determine if America’s predilection for not fixing anything is a reliable indicator of how perfect things already are.

Western Drought Could Last Until 3421

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Long-Term Planning May No Longer WorkAs the National Weather Service ponders adding two new categories to the Saffer-Simpson scale to allow with hurricanes with sustained winds in excess of 250 miles per hour, and with sea level rise expected to exceed a foot by 2050, which will displace billions of...

When Exactly Did Tom Cotton's Balls Go Rotten...

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

In Them Old Cotton Fields Back Home?Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Word, AR) is blocking eight of President Biden’s US Attorney nominees because the country just isn’t white enough yet.
He claims he’s doing it to honor the flying pigs in Portland, OR, who apparently were not sufficiently applauded for violating...

I Can't Wait Until We Have Less Than Six Months To Extinction

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

I’ve Been Hearing That That’s When People Will Finally Begin Wanting To Consider Forming Exploratory Committees To Determine The Feasibility Of Studying Whether To Study ItOf course, I could have misheard them or just totally made my entire lifetime up.
You do you.

Trump Blasts Biden For Covfeficating On Ukraine

Monday, February 14, 2022

You Have To Have Strength Or Else You Won’t Have A CountryFormer President Ronald High Roller Wilson Trump called the Sean Inshannity Show this morning to blast “the illegal usurper” [President Joe Biden] for leading “the Ukieheads” on, claiming Biden administration policies are “obstructing the hard...

The Thing About To Crash Into The Moon May Not Be A SpaceX Rocket After All

Monday, February 14, 2022

NASA Says Object Looks Like A Truck Full Of Missing White House Documents And GiftsAs emergency talks at the UN aimed at developing a plan for dealing with space litter stalled after former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite Nazi pigfucker, Donald J. Turdwaffle asked why...

The Time Has Come Today

Friday, February 11, 2022

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat Gives Its Complete & Total Endrosement To Gary ChambersGary Chambers is running for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana, and if these two campaign ads are any indication, this country needs this guy and a bunch more like him running our nation...

Gazpacho Terrorize Freshman Georgia Reprehensible

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Marjoe Faylure Greengo Calls On Proud Boys To Defend American Family Values From Totally Woke StasiCold fish blames cold soup for Democrats.

If We Really Want To Build Back Better

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

We Need A New Process For Deciding On What Infrastructure Is Worth SavingWhy are we still dependent upon large utilities to provide power to homes, particularly in rural areas. We already have the solar, wind, and storage technology to require new developments provide power and water on site. The future...

Study Identifies Link Between Higher Education, Crippling Debt, & Dead End Jobs

Monday, February 7, 2022

Capitalism Is Just Doing What It Was Designed To DoWhich is, of course, to fuck you every which way but loose.
Did you really think that being one of the 99% in this nation of miserable fucks was somehow going to give you a leg up? Just because you are dumber than a petrified vole turd & believe...

Trump Cites Freedom Convoy As Success In Exporting MAGA To Other Countries

Saturday, February 5, 2022

It's My Brand So Don’t Let Anyone Hurt It“You see what’s happening in Canada?” the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and cognitive dense fog machine Donald J. Turdwaffle asked an imaginary throng at the Caesar’s Palace Pet and Pond Servicew LLC between Denny’s and KFC in the beautiful...

Repugnicunts Censure Cheney & Kinsinger

Saturday, February 5, 2022

Claim Second Amendment Makes Insurrection A Legitimate Form Of Political DiscourseIn a statement to the House Committee investigating twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and unintended consequence of an experimental fecal transplant, Donald J. Turdwaffle, the Repugnicunt National Committee called...

Top Secret Study Suggests SARS-Cov-2 Was Developed From Reagan Era HIV Sample By NSA

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Intended To Contain Chinese Population By Infecting Wet Markets Where They ShopIn a story that comes as no surprise to anyone who stumbles across an honest history of this nation of miserable fucks, it now appears that development of a novel coronavirus for use as a bioweapon began during the Reagan...

If God Didn't Want America To Embrace The #Alt-Reich Why Did He Relocate So Many Breeding Nazi Pairs From Germany After WWII?

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

For Every Stupid Poodadoodle Move There Is An Equally And Monumentally Stupid ConsequenceHow about if we counter the supply-side Nazi opposition to the teaching of Critical Racist Theory (which is NOT, by the way, currently taught in public schools anywhere that I know of) with some teaching of Critical...

Supreme Court Reaffirms Purpose Of Criminal Justice System Is To Kill Pains In Polite Society's Ass

Monday, January 31, 2022

Don’t You Want Real Americans To Have Nice Things?I’m sure glad we don’t have to worry about anyone teaching critical racist theory in public schools anymore.

Trump Promises To Pardon All January 6 Patriots As Soon As He's Back In The White House

Sunday, January 30, 2022

The Sooner The Better For Those Of You With Loved Ones In The PokeyAnd it’s all perfectly legal or else he’d already be arrested, right?

Woody Allen Doesn't Care About Your Condemnation

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Most Of Us Laugh Off & Live For Your Howls Of ExecrationWe can’t all be strangers when everyone keeps telling us not to be, can we? Not that I give a shit. I paint on cave walls.

Experts Call Current White House Press Corps The Dumbest Sons & Daughters Of Bitches Since Wilhelm Kaiser Hearst Ran The Media

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Freedom Of The Press Belongs To Those With The Highest RatingsOur supply-side plantation economy & community police state is the same as it ever was.

US Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Biden To Nominate Ben & Jerry To New Expanded 14 Seat CourtPress Secretary Jen Psaki shot down bullshit this morning from right wing ideologues that they claim proves President Biden is running roughshod over the rights of some very fine people who don’t like him or his idea of American democracy.

There Is No Evidence That Trump Requested Troops To Secure The Capitol Or Consulted Pelosi Ahead Of January 6 Insurrection, Fact-Checkers Say

Monday, January 24, 2022

That Was One Thing Mike Pence Really Took Care OfAlthough when asked what exactly his job was during the Turdwaffle debacle, the former Vice President will neither confirm nor deny rumors that he was responsible for insuring there was no evidence in his possession that could ever used to endanger the...

Biden Administration Considering Limited Draft For Proud Boys, Oathkeepers, & Three Percenters

Monday, January 24, 2022

Let’s Give These Young Ones Something To Important To Die ForResponding to ongoing criticism from Fox Gnus, Nazis, and the GOP that he isn’t decisive or forceful enough to scare an old lady into shitting her underpants, President Joe Biden today announced he had placed nearly 8,500 white supremacists,...

A Fond Look Back On Another Day That Changed Absolutely Nothing

Monday, January 24, 2022

It Was My Personal 9/11

Mitch McConnell Slams 'Outrageous Mischaracterization' Over His Comment About Black Voters

Friday, January 21, 2022

I Have Absolutely Nothing Against The Negroes Or The ColoredsFormer Senate Majority Leader Mitch “The Ninja” McConnell (R-Word,KY) lashed out at the liberal media this morning for airing recordings of his actual words during their broadcasts of what he had said “without giving equal time to what is...

Repugnicunts Plan To Run On Biden Accomplishments

Thursday, January 20, 2022

My Momma Didn’t Raise No MoronsNow that every average MAGA asshole in America is convinced that the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator was handicapped by Democrat sabotage or he would be revered by everyone for having made America great again, the GOP has begun touting every success of...

Save America PAC Issues Rodney Luther King Day Fund-Raising Appeal

Sunday, January 16, 2022

I Too Have A Dream Where Even Ivanka Asks Can’t We All Just Get Along?Fresh off his triumphant Arizona Rally For MAGA Reinstatement that raised nearly half a million dollars to help cover the mounting legal fees from his failed coup attempt, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around...

Randy Andy Has Peepee Whacked By Queen

Saturday, January 15, 2022

Must Ask Groundlings For Help In Defending His AssCan a GoFundMe be far behind for the Douche of York?

Biden Proposes Tax On Idiots To Combat Omnicron

Thursday, January 13, 2022

We Have To Do Something To Stop This American CarnageAlthough he didn’t mention it in his COVID speech this morning, President Joe Biden has been discussing Quebec’s newly imposed “Unvaxxed Tax” as a way of halting the spread of the deadly Very Fine People variant among America’s proudly uneducated.

Moron Leaders Call For Fauci Resignation

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

GOP Stands United Against Reason & ScienceArguing that the CDC is not mentioned in the Constitution or The Bible, the two foundational documents of the modern Moronic movement, the GOP today called for Dr. Fauci to step down after he was caught calling Senator Roger Marshall (R-Word, KS) on a hot mike...

I Won't Be Moving To Montana Soon

Saturday, January 8, 2022

Not Even To Raise Me Up Some Dental FlossI wonder what ever happened to Tiny Little.
You think people would have better things to do with all that Big Sky, but I guess nimrods gotta hate.
Congratulations, Montana!

Ghislaine Maxwell Verdict Is Clouded By Juror Disclosure

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

This Was Not A Jury Of Her Peers, Say LawyersAttorneys for Ghislaine Maxwell are asking the judge to vacate her convictions for sex trafficking after one of the jurors on the case told reporters that he had been abused as a child, but not by Maxwell or Jeffrey Epstein.
“But you’d recognize his name...

First Came Pussy- & Pissergate

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Are You Ready For The Son Of The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H?Be here on Proud Boy Patriot’s Day, January 6, as the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator launches a new fund-raising campaign to revise history & make the world safe for American freedumbocracy.

If You Can't Find It On Twitter Does It Exist?

Monday, January 3, 2022

Asking For A Bunch Of Shadows In A Cave

COVID Not Yet Tired Of Pandemic

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Fuck You Guys, Virus Says Tells New Year’s RevelersNature can be such a bitch.

Antifa Joins Anti-Mandate Protestors

Thursday, December 30, 2021

Why Waste Our Time And Money Saving Idiots?It’s no secret that the percentage of Americans who persist in their unwillingness to get the vaccine is within two percentage points of the widely accepted portion of the population who used to be classified as uneducably mentally retarded until the woke...

Brandon Gets It Going In Utah

Saturday, December 25, 2021

President Biden Congratulates Brandon For On-Court DecorumI’m pretty sure President Biden was thinking of this video when responding to some nimrod caller to Santa’s NORAD watch line who attempted to tell him to fuck himself.

Sen. Charlie Manchin Says He Got To 'Wit's End' Over White House Staff Putting Out 'Absolutely Inexcusable' Leaks About His Talks With Biden

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Anyone Who Knows Me Knows I Only Use The N-Word When It's Off The RecordBlue Dog Democrat Sen. Charlie Manchin (Dimwit, WV) blamed his vote against Joe Biden’s Build Back Better initiative on members of the White House staff's unwillingness to let him spin his opposition to the bill in a way that shielded...

Sarah Palin (R-Word, AK) Says She'd Rather Die Than Get Vaccine

Sunday, December 19, 2021

You’ll Have To Sneak Up Behind HerFailed 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Sirhan Palin told a packed crowd of unvaccinated climate deniers in Dallas today that even if “the Kung Flu coronavirus doesn’t turn out to be the hoax we always knew it was, I am willing to bet my life that...

When Will Climate Change Threaten Corporate Profits?

Friday, December 17, 2021

That’s When Our Supply-Side Plantation Owners Will Start Planning To Do Something About ItI’m not saying it will make any difference. We’re already beyond the point of no return, but with any luck we may get some real deals on family cremations.

Sheen Reported Off Huntington Beach Is Oil, Officials Say

Thursday, December 16, 2021

What Makes Them So Sure It Wasn’t Charlie?
Starkist sez: Sorry Charlie.
Tuna in, turna on, dropa out shall be the hole in the law.

Melania Launches Line Of Non-Fuckable Twinkers

Thursday, December 16, 2021

Doing What She Does Be BestJust what America needs: another worthless investment opportunity in ephemeral services.

Repugnicunts Accuse Biden Of Using Tornados To Push Radical Climate Change Agenda

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Claim Storms Were Caused By Antifa And Green New DealNot willing to let a single opportunity to avoid reality pass them by, the GOP and their various propaganda networks on the public airways are now convinced that everyone is as stupid and venal as they are.

Omicron Variant Traced To Reagan Gay Plague Response

Saturday, December 4, 2021

COVID-19 Mutates In HIV Patients Producing Reaganitis-21The World Health Organization (WHO) today renamed the highly mutated Omicron coronavirus variant after former American president Ronald Reagan, noting that the variant has “so many ingenious & perplexing mutations that it bears little resemblance...

What Good Is Saving The Planet If It Means I Lose My Job?

Friday, December 3, 2021

America Discovers It Has No SoulBut what can you expect from a nation of miserable fucks that has had nearly half a century to perfect the Reagan legacy of supply-side plantation economics in support of the prison-industrial complex that brought us this community police state.
The “debate” over...


Wednesday, December 1, 2021

I Told You So On Twitter 2 Years AgoBut nobody listens to me.

Rittenhouse Calls Sandmann A Money-Grubber

Saturday, November 20, 2021

Acquitted Killer Volunteers To Clean Up Portland’s Antifa ProblemArmed with a highly collectible RPG-16 Grom he received from the Kenosha Police Benevolent Association in appreciation of his invaluable assistance during the troubles this summer, Kylie Rittenhouse spurned a rumored partnership from...

Jim Morrison Surfaces During Kenosha Trial

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Elderly Photographer Gets NBC Booted From ProceedingsFormer Doors singer Jim Morrison resurfaced at the Rittenhouse trial in Wisconsin on November 18, 2021, when he was accused of being affiliated with MSNBC by Kenosha County Jerkit Judge Ricky Schroeder, calling him James Morrison, although he prefers...

Capitol Riot Honkies Complain They're Being Treated Like Niggers In Jail

Friday, November 12, 2021

What’s With All This Critical Thinking Theory? Nimrods AskTwo accused insurrectionists who took part in the Capitol riots on January 6 claim they have been given tablets that contain critical race theory as a dietary supplement while being forced to attend 4th grade civics classes to learn about personal...

Mitch's Bitch Suggests Drafting Workers Back To Old Jobs To Save Economy

Monday, November 8, 2021

Elaine Chao Says Patriotism Will Get Proles “To Do The White Thing”Former Transportation Secretary, chairwoman of the Federal Maritime Commission, Harvard graduate, & wealthy Taiwenese trophy wife of Mitch McConnell (R-Word, KY-Jellyroll), Elaine Chao, today suggested that the federal government needs...

Portnoy Complaints Continue To Mount

Thursday, November 4, 2021

Estate Of Phillip Roth Sends Cease & Desist OrderWitnesses claim Davey Portnoy came on Michael Jackson’s white glove at the gala opening of NY Metropolitan Museum Of Art’s Critical Master Race Theory Exhibit.

Ted Cruz Defends Southwest Pilot Who Threw TikTok Teen Off Plane

Monday, November 1, 2021

“The Kid Started It!” Cruz ExclaimsAmerica’s favorite Cancun promoter, Ted Cruz (R-Word, TX) took to Twitter over the weekend to defend the actions of a Southwest Airlines pilot who was put on unpaid leave after tossing Nick Sandmann (no relation to the teenage Catholic white supremacist from Kentucky)...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Leave US

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Although Billionaire Tax Will Not Apply To His Broke AssFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & everything wrong with this nation of miserable fucks, Donald J. Turdwaffle, issued a special communique from his bunker in Middlesex this morning warning Joe Manchin & Kyrsten Sinema that he will...

Florida Remains Must Belong To Brian Laundromat

Thursday, October 21, 2021

It Only Makes Sense Some SuggestMinutes after chief medical examiner for Wingnut County, Hans Oppenheinie told swarming entertainment reporters that identification of the remains found near items belonging to fugitive Instagram influencer Brian Epstein Laundromat “could take days, if not weeks”, a...

Marjoe Faylure Greenie Blasts Ahmaud Arbery Protests

Sunday, October 17, 2021

This Ain’t Southern Justice!Georgia’s freshman Nazi infiltrator Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greenie called into Fox News on Friday to complain about protests in Brunswick calling for justice for Ahmaud Arbery, a black jogger who was hunted and killed by three good old boys during the height of Turdwaffle’s...

Southlake Texas Schools To Carry Necronomicon To Counter Bible

Thursday, October 14, 2021

What’s Fair Is Fair Say SatanistsFollowing a decision by the Carroll Independent School District in Southlake, Texas, that mandates both-siderism in public education so that Mein Kampf & The Art Of The Deal must be taught to balance Holocaust propaganda like The Diary Of Anne Frank & Catch 22, a granfalloon...

Enormous Space Station Demolished Ancient Middle Eastern City

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Earliest Known Space Force DisasterIn an article published in the journal Seancific Reports, researchers suggest that the biblical destruction of the ancient LGBTQAI+ city of Sodom was based on actual events.
Dr. Dixon Aziz, Specist Projects Director at the Toad Suck Hollow Paleophilately Research...

Me Or Turdwaffle?

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Vegas Refuses To Give Odds On Who Gets Reinstated FirstTime is still meant to be wasted.

Tomorrow I File A New Appeal To Get Reinstated As President Of Twitter

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

It’s The 7 Month Anniversary Of My Temporary SuspensionI did a quick search to see how I’ve been doing, and found this tweet from the day before I fell from the grace of Jack and Twits. No doubt I was being too kind, as usual, in wielding #TheTerribleSwiftianSword.

Breaking News From The CDC

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Link Established Between Cognitive Flatulence & Irritable Vowel SyndromeA report in this month’s New England Journal Of Appliantology says new discoveries in the fossil record have established a direct link between chronic cognitive flatulence and a series of changes between medieval and modern English...

Facebook Reportedly Cancels Planned Move To Norilsk

Monday, October 4, 2021

Fuck Zuck Movement Grows As Company Embraces Alternative  Damage ControlAs shares of the company plummetted following disclosures that systemic malfeasance, misfeaseance, & nonfeasance are a key teaching of the tech giant’s corporate culture, bemused citizens around the world are voicing concern as...

Black & Indigenous People Slammed By Lamestream Media For Trying To Make Gabby Petito Tragedy About Them.

Thursday, September 23, 2021

What God Wants God Gets, Say Christian JournalistsAs preventable deaths from the Turdwaffle Flu Pandemic plows through a new milestone of 700 thousand corpses, climate change continues to kill thousands daily around the planet, causing millions to seek refuge in mass migrations, 20 years of unfunded...

Mississippi Gov. Taint Reeves Says Prayer Is God's Vaccine

Sunday, September 19, 2021

God Only Kills Those Who Deserve ItIn a wide-ranging interview with Jake “The Snake” Tapper on CNN’s State Of The Union, Miss. Gov. Taint Reeves called gravity over-rated, dismissed calls for good goverance as antifa whining, and claimed that more than 20,000 Americans have died after getting the vaccine,...

Journalists Outnumber Nazis At Justice For J6 Rally

Saturday, September 18, 2021

Former Guy Fails To Show Up… AgainThousands of Tik Tok journalists waving YU News Service credentials descended on the nation’s capitol Saturday, trampling several dozen pro-insurrectionist Constitutional savants protesting American democracy and the right of antifa to vote for somebody other than...

Ashli Madison Cawthorn To Wage First Totally Tweeted Campaign

Friday, September 17, 2021

Promises To Make Idiots A Protected ClassNorth Carolina junior Reprehensative Ashli Madison Cawthorn hopes his Twitter followers will reelect him to a second well-paying term to prove that government should not be reserved for people with measurable intelligence and a useful skill set.
“We’re not...

Caitlin Jenner Cries Foul On California Recall Results

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Olympic Medalist Cites Polling She Claims Showed Her With 5 Point Lead Over ElderCaitlin Jenner, the Olympic medalist formerly known as Bruce, did more than complain as results of California’s gubernatorial recall election trickled in, showing her with less than .6% of the total votes cast. She accused...

Turdwaffle To Visit 9/11 Memorial In Search Of Photo Op

Saturday, September 11, 2021

“To Honor Our Great Sacrifice At Ground Zero,” America’s Favorite Führer Tells Fox NewsExpressing frustration at how long the reinstatement process is taking, former twice-impeached co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle plans to visit the NYC 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero this morning to call attention...

Hundreds Of American Mercenaries Were Left Behind

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Fox News Argues Their Alleged Presence Is Protected By NDAsIf it ends up that the remaining Americans and allies left behind in Afghanistan when the last American troops were withdrawn are all mercenaries with most employed by Academi, the private Repugnicunt army formerly known as Blackwater and Xe...

Millions About To Lose Unemployment Benefits

Monday, September 6, 2021

NRA Reports Shortage Off High-Capacity Magazines & Armor-Piercing AmmoIt looks like America’s Second Amendment may finally come in handy after all.

Two Hundred Returning Troops From Afghanistan Flagged For Possible Terror Ties

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Two Of The Flagged Americans Are Wanted For Roles In January 6th InsurrectionAt least 200 American troops who participated in protecting the peace deal Donald J. Turdwaffle signed with the Taliban in 2020 have been flagged for alleged ties to white nationalist terrorist groups, including the Proud...

#FloridaMan Gov RegeneRon DeSantis Invests In Santisary Napkin Company

Friday, August 27, 2021

Another Day In ParadisePMS has learned that embattled Repugnicunt governor & Turdwaffle impersonator, Ronald RegeneRon DeSantis, was recently granted trademark protection for DeSantis’s Sop ‘Em Ups. For When You’ve Already Got Your Hands Full.
They allegedly insert themselves.

Blue States Begin Rationing Oxygen

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Unvaccinated Are Last In LineIn terms even a fan of America’s alleged favorite pastime can understand: “Three strikes & you’re out.” 
Beginning September 1, patients must show proof of vaccination before being admitted to ERs or ICUs in all the blue states & most of the red states that accept federal...

GOP Blasts Dems & Antifa For Hoarding All The Safe Vaccine

Sunday, August 22, 2021

“They’re Killing The Uneducated!” Texas Repugnicunt ClaimsAs COVID sweeps through the shithole states, the GOP is raising alarms that downplaying the threat posed by the deadly Kung Flu over the past year & a half has greatly reduced their deplorable base. This realization has forced the party to pivot...

The Dog Whistler's Mother

Thursday, August 19, 2021

A Brand New Category For InterWeb Cave PaintingsI just discovered this posted outside the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat’s day care center, captioned: “The Dog Whistler’s Mother.”

There is so much drawing going on these days on the walls of the sub-sub-basements...

John Oliver Bitch-Slaps Holden "Helms On Wheels 2" Cawthorn

Monday, August 16, 2021

Slaver Descendent Loses Rest Of Sad Little Nut Sack To Limey Comic
Need I say more?

Oregon Governor Agrees Kids Don't Need No Education

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Kate Brown Scraps Need To Prove You Can Read, Write, Or Do Arithmetic, Points To ElectorateBowing to pressure from the state’s boisterously vocal Pink Floyd lobbyists, Oregon’s Democrat Gov. Brown signed a bill into law in July that suspends the state’s essential skills graduation requirement for three...

Don't Forget To Collect All Four Offecal Trump Cards

Friday, August 6, 2021

“I’m Proud I’m Deplorable” Sticker Sold SeparatelyFormer twice-impeached, unindicted co-conspirator, & world class pussy-grabber President Donald J. Turdwaffle is so desperate to delay his cash flow problem until he is reinstated later this month that he contracted with some Tik Tok Teens to help him...

Jihadists Just GETTR Done

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Fat Former Guy Gets Punked AgainNow it can be told: Donald J. Turdwaffle is no king of all media, after all.
His Cabinet buddies launched GETTR to keep the blithering bloviator from grabbing more random pussy on camera, after his failed “From The Disk Of Precedent Thump” web site was taken down...

Turdwaffle Denies Freedom Phone Connection

Saturday, July 31, 2021

“Freedom’s Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose,” Twice-Impeached Loser Tells Athletic SupportersDuring a recent speech to supporters at his Bedford New Jersey Golf Resort & Bordello, former president & unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle denied involvement in his attempt to overturn...

Moron McCarthy Takes Another One For The Gypper

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

The Unmasked Of The Red State Death!House Minority Ruler Kevin “The Dummy” McCarthy doubled-down on his alternative pro-life position today by opposing the new mask mandate imposed by Speaker Pelosi to slow the spread of the deadly Delta variant, shouting: “Give me liberty or ventilation!”
At the...

Antifa Encourages Nimrods To Refuse Vaccine

Saturday, July 24, 2021

“Stick It To The Man!” Queen Antifa Shouts At Portland RiotA crowd of unruly antifa protestors marched through downtown Portland this afternoon daring alt-right counterprotestors to refuse the COVID-19 vaccination to prove their loyalty to Ronald Reaganism.
Several participants carried signs emblazoned...

Holden Cawthorn Calls Big Tony Fauci A Punk

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Helms-On-Wheels, Jr. Accuses Doctor Of Being Glory HoundFollowing a testy exchange between Senator Rand Paul of KY-Jellyroll Gumdrop & CDC Allergy & Infectious Diseases Director Anthony “Quinn The Eskimo” Fauci, freshman NC Tarheel Representative Holden Cawthorn took to whining to the right-wing media:...

Megyn Kelly's Period-Based Business Model

Monday, July 19, 2021

“Ben Shapiro’s Got Nothing On Me,” America First & Foremost Pod Person ClaimsIn her never-ending quest to incite America’s #FamilyValues base to irrational acts, a concept formerly known as its heavy dirty soul, former Fox & NBC shill & one , Megyn Kelly today got into a Twitter fued with Naomi Osaka...

Republicans Threaten To Sue Climate For Costs of Change

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

“The NRA Owns Broadcast Rights To All US Mass Casualty Events Through The 2024-25 Fire Season” Repugnicunts Argue In Court FilingClaiming that climate catastrophists are diminishing the value of their brand, the GOP & NRA joined forces today to accuse the mainstream media of trademark dilution by calling...

What Good Is A Planet If I Ain't Got A Job?

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Another Existential Trick Question For The Reagan LegacyShould I hold out for sea level rise to reach my current location here in Idiotville or move to the beach while such things still exist?

DEA Denies Involvement In Haiti Assassination

Thursday, July 8, 2021

“It Wasn’t Us, Man!” Says Unnamed Source Dressed As A TurnipAfter decades of fomenting unrest in Central & South America as part of the Repugnicunt New Manifest Destiny designed to expand the Reagan legacy’s supply side plantation economy onto any surface in the Western hemisphere human beings are...

I Dreamed I Was An Eskimo

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

Right Before I Got CancelledI kind of miss the days when you could say or write whatever the fuck the language gave you the tools to do, so long as it made the birds laugh.
Them were the days.

Melania Fires Last Of Body Doubles

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Turdwaffle Forced To Eat With Consuela LopezTwice-impeached former President Donald J. Turdwaffle refused to comment on recent reports that Melania Turdwaffle has chosen to opt out of the last year of her contract & take a chance on the free agent market. Several international tyrants are said to be...

America Is Back!

Monday, July 5, 2021

150 Dead In 400 Weekend Celebrations Of 2nd Amendment Rights!The post-pandemic era is off to a good start with gun violence up significantly over pre-pandemic levels, signaling it’s a good time to buy firearms & ammunition or invest in the companies that manufacture or distribute these products.

Ronald McRumsfeld, Old Foggy Of War, Expires

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

He Goes Where He Knows No Known Unknowns Have Gone BeforeRonald Clowney McRumsfeld, the chief architect of George W. Bush’s war in Iraq to avenge his father’s honor, bit the big one today at 88. McRumsfeld was best known for his inability to tell the truth with a straight face & his uncanny ability...

Derek Chauvin Laughs At Sentencing Hearing

Friday, June 25, 2021

Claims Trump Promised To Pardon Him After August ReinstatementDerek Chauvin, the former Minneapolis police officer who killed George Floyd last year with an unapproved chokehold was in exceptionally good spirits today despite being sentenced to 22 & a half years in general population.
Chauvin, who...

Can A 15-Week-Old Fetus Be Detained By Police?

Monday, June 21, 2021

Do Fetal Gun Rights Allow Her To Stand Her Ground?
There are so many existential trick questions in our nation of miserable fucks.

I Remember When Joe Rogan

Friday, June 18, 2021

Spelled His Name Rogaine
Then came the cease & desist orders.

I Apologize For Making #Legatitties Trend

Sunday, June 13, 2021

I Meant To Promote #LegoTittiesas the next big thing to grab when it’s on sale to give your horny boys a rise next holiday shopping season.

Wall Street Journal Suggests Evangelical God Is Dead

Friday, June 11, 2021

God Is Not Woke! He Is Deceased, Like Monty Python's Parrot!Perhaps in another 400 years we’ll finally have a nation where we can be free of religion, instead of having to wonder which human or organic right these nimrods are going to try to take away next.

FBI Denies It Built QAnom App

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Q Cries Foul!#IToldYouSo

New Flatulent Diet Adds to Climate Change

Monday, June 7, 2021

Cows Demand Apology From Devin Nunes’s AssholeThat’s it. That would have been the whole tweet.

I Keep Liking What I Hear

Monday, May 31, 2021

Delirious, by Susanne SundforHere’s another earworm that makes me think of old Murray the K concerts in the 60s.

#TheDeadbeats Should Listen To This Chick

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Discovered While Watching "Atlantic Crossing” On PBSDon’t know why exactly, but she makes me feel like I’m listening to Phil Ochs’ “Pleasures Of The Harbor” all over again.

Doctor Faustroll Renews Call For A No State Middle East Solution

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

The Ultimate In Final SolutionsIt seems like almost yesterday I received a reluctant acceptance of a poem called “Arabs & Jews” in the early 1970s. It was a simple poem about a simple problem that could be solved as easily as the Japanese inconvenience was solved in August of 1945, with one simple...

Bush: Kerry Wants To Expand Big Government

Monday, May 17, 2021

Madeline Smith
Economics and Health Care Desk
Pataphysical Metepsychotic Service

ST. CLOUD, Minn. (PMS) — Looking to score a knockout punch in his reelection campaign war on Kerryism, President Bush said today that his Democratic opponent “wants to expansify...

Nader And Limbaugh In Epistolary Smackdown

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Invective, Kommerce and Kulchur, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics January 31, 2009
Sorry for the interruption.
I just returned from watching The Wrestler and received an e-mail with this link to an open letter by perennial presidential candidate...

Was This Too Hateful For Jack?

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Every Now And Then It Gets A Little Hard To TellBut if this was the reason behind my summary Twitter execution, why did it take until I mentioned feckless cunts (for at least the 666th time since November 3, 2020) on March 7th that my suspension was imposed?
More to follow, now that I have received...

What's That In Real Degrees?

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

I’m not sure if I need to slather on sunscreen or fire up the woodstove for Sunday here in Idiotville. 
Last I heard we don’t do things with Kelvin around here, even since that incident at the elementery school.

On Daschle On Blago On Limbaugh’s Foul Lipids

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Workplace Lunacy February 3, 2009
I’m having a hard time letting go of my Christmas spirit, particularly when poopadoodlists and pundits and phlaky phuckwads continue to clutter Ted Stevens’ InterTube with sober inanities, threatening to shut...

Two Injured In Botched Octokids Escape Attempt

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 8, 2009
All fugitive octuplets were back in police custody this morning after a tense standoff at the Church of the Oven of Peace, where members of a previously unknown terrorist group that...

Imaginary Diseases. It’s About Time. We talked. You, Sonny, Listened.

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Workplace Lunacy February 11, 2009
I often receive questions from first time patients who are unfamiliar with the role of pataphysicians in the 21st century. This is understandable because so many people in our nation...

How Best To Season The Rich When Roasting

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

#TheDeadBeats Know I’m Talking About Them Baby SnakesI had intended to include this song two posts ago, but I just now figured out what I was doing wrong, which, of course, has nothing to do with why I am beginning my fourth week of a temporary Twitter suspension that I have already appealed twice...

Cheerleaders Storm Palm Sunday Services

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Christ’s Church DefiledDebbie Downer Dallas, spokeslifestylecoach for the Union of Concerned Cheerleaders accused the Catholic Church of cultural appropriation this morning after pranksters changed the message board at The Book Depository Church of Jesus Christ Almighty to say all attendees will be...

Let's End The Season Of The Rich

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Obamination: Republicrats vow fight against open season on the rich Published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 27, 2009
Citing eight years of Republicrat economic efforts that increased populations of those living below the poverty level,...

Are We Toast Yet?

Thursday, December 3, 2020

When in the course of human events......did we decide to become a nation of miserable fucks? I started using the phrase during the clamitously inept term of Georgie Hiram Walker Bush, whose only accomplishment in life was to have faithfully served Old Rummy Reagan (the OG “One Minute President”), as...

It's Hard To Get Over Goddamn October

Saturday, November 14, 2020

October Surprise!People often forget that before Osama bin Laden was hunted down and rounded up and killed and captured, he used to be called Osama bin Laffen-Hizzazzov. Also, remember that the election of Donald Drumpf was not the first time outsiders attempted to influence American election results.

A Whale Of A Problem

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Why do whales beach themselves?I mean besides protesting this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™)… In case you were wondering where this memorable war-time quote came from, look no further: "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up,"...

Remembering The Jail Blazers

Saturday, November 14, 2020

In the beginning was the NBAJust kidding. First there was God who invented the concept of ownership. Everything else was gravy. Does anyone even remember the Red Hot and Balling Portland Tail Braisers anymore? This used to be funny.
Bush Names Wallace Special Envoy 
TEL AVIV (YU) – President...

Helms On Earth

Saturday, November 14, 2020

And then it gets worseI had almost forgotten about Jesse Helms and North Carolina, despite having lived there for a few years when John East was affectionately known as Helms on Wheels.
Helms Calls Bush “No Good Two-Timer"WASHINGTON (YU) — Sen. Jesse Helms, senile Republican on the Senate Foreign...

Blame Day Preview

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Banana Moon Blame GameWhile the media hurries to divert your gaze from their terrible response to president* Donnie Dumbo’s teleprompter reading to a joint session of illicit Congressionaldroids last Tuesday after lunch by running a series of stories about how much better former First Idiot Fubar Dubya...

Don't Stop Thinking About Bone Marrow

Saturday, November 14, 2020

You can go your own wayPeople occasionally tell me — scratch that — they OFTEN tell me that something I’ve said or written or thought is not funny, is too soon to be funny, or will never be funny, but that doesn’t change anything, particularly what I think is funny. And what I think is funny and when...

Sweet Surrender

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Some people just won’t give upRemember Timothy McVeigh? Neither do I. But you can be sure the Bundinistas do.
McVeigh Won’t Pursue Further Appeals
DENVER (YU) – Speaking by phone through an interpreter from an undisclosed location near the mess tent of Libyan Leader Moammar Gaddafi, fugitive...

Wellness Exams

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Turn your head and cough out your assThe current First Douchebag has surrounded himself with a gaggle of pretty bad hombres but he’s only trying to bigly outdo the fucked up job that former First Idiot Georgie Bush with his cabinet of malignant dildos.
Ashcroft Proclaims System Is InnocentWASHINGTON...

Defensive Driving

Saturday, November 14, 2020

There’s nothing funny about unsafe drivingWas I being overly unfair to the Bush girls? Whatever happened to Little Timmy McVeigh after his escape?
Bush Twins Suspected In Fatal CrashMarshall ProustThe March of MimesAll The News To Give You FitsYossarian Universal News ServiceMay 31 2001 9:32PM

All My Troubles

Saturday, November 14, 2020

I was a Harvard Lampoon fan at Clemson in the mid-sixties and I enjoyed John Lennon’s word play books. I was supposed to be in Electrical Engineering, but I was hanging out with guys at The Tiger and The Chronicle, the architecture department, and getting booted out of ROTC, so it seemed...

Cognitive Flatulence Placeholder

Thursday, November 5, 2020

Horseman Let FlyCognitive Flatulence is brewing deep within the bowels of the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat. It’ll be onya before you know it.