Pataphysical Metanews Service
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
October 24, 2001 08:56:51PM
BAGHDAD (PMS) – Amid reports that thousands of Afghan refugees have become ill after eating Happy Meals Ready To Eat, unnamed Bush administration officials told reporters that evil Taliban terrorists probably tampered with the hermetically sealed packages, although they couldn’t swear to it and had no evidence to support their suspicions.
In recent weeks, the Bush administration has blamed the weakening economy, global warming, broken arms reduction treaties, flagging consumer confidence, shark attacks, the disappearance of Chandra Levy, and thefts from its biological warfare laboratories on Osama bin Laden and his All Your Base Are Belong To Us network, by claiming that “all who will not eat our food are terrorists.”
“We just need to make sure that that is as widely known as fast and as far as we can,” said Rear Adm. John D. Stufflebeem, speaking on condition that the color of his hairpiece not be mentioned in his hometown.
Stufflebeem, not his real name, said the administration has created elaborate information to support impossible plots to cover its fundamental incompetence and chose “to release these fabrications now before they become undeniable facts reported on by the foreign press corps.” Shouting at a Pentagon cluster shuck, Stufflebeem gave no details on the kinds of misinformation he was referring to, but he did say the terrorists will not succeed in thwarting the Campaign on Terrorism and that food bombings will continue.
The United States has accidentally dropped more than 700,000 packets of food meant for the hungry and displaced Afghan population on Taliban strongholds while discarding bunker buster bombs made from spent nuclear fuel rods on refugee camps on the border with Pakistan.
“Food that comes from America will not be tainted unless it was handled by the Post Office or certain rogue elements in our military,” Stufflebeem said he wanted everyone to know. “But if it comes from Taliban control, they must be careful.” When pressed, Stufflebeem refused to say whom “they” were, and he declined to comment on whether the “rogue elements” might have been responsible for the September 11 attacks.
Stufflebeem also called the Taliban and al-Qaida network fighters “one tough mother humping bunch of mean mullahs,” and said everyone in the administration has been “surprised at how doggedly they're hanging on to life, despite a bombing campaign unheard of since Tokyo and Dresden.
He repeated Bush administration cautions that “this is going to be a long, long, long, long Republican campaign” against terrorism, and it might involve Bush running for a third term with Rudy Guliani replacing the late Lon Chaney on the ticket as vice president. Chaney succumbed to inhalation anthrax infection last weekend, although he continues to give interviews.
Meanwhile, President Bush told employees of a Maryland funeral home that America was winning the war on both fronts – “in Afghaliban Talafistan and on the shores of Monty Zima where we have mounted our Fatherland defense. Wham, bam, and thank you ma’am,” he said, winking at Helen Thomas.
“We're patiently firm and tumescent. We're not squeaky or whiny at all. We have won in the past on the rule of law, and that is how we got this strategy that is going to work against the evil ones. And make no mistaking our bones about it, justice will be well done, and maybe a little rare, for those who like theirs a little bloody,” the president said.
Secretary of State Colon Bowel said he hoped the anti-terrorism war could end by late evening if the Taliban would just eat the food we gave them, but he said the administration is prepared to keep dropping Happy Meals Ready to Eat during the Muslim holy period if necessary.
Powell, a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said the Bush administration is sensitive to the onset of the Ramadan holy days in mid-November and the beginning of winter, and regards them both with the same respect they have for female problems.
“The important point to remember,” he said at a State Department champagne brunch, “is we have political objectives to accomplish and I would like to see all of those objectives accomplished in the next few months as we approach the mid-term elections.”