Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 6, 2009
Authorities stormed the Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center this morning, firing beanbag rounds and rubber bullets as they fought against the hospital staff to execute a Justice Department order to take all eight Californian octuplets into protective custody as part of a federal investigation into allegations of fetal sexual abuse.
The raid came on the heels of an interview their mother gave with NBC’s Today program where she admitted to having only had six embroyos implanted during the fertility procedure that led to her record-tying birthing accomplishment of six boys and two girls, all named after the children of 20th century American presidents.
Within minutes of Octomom’s televised appearance, hundreds and possibly thousands of unemployed legal specialists from Lawyers Without Conscience, Barristers for Bestiality, and Paralegal Primadonnas in Defense of Litigatable Presumed Innocents flooded local and federal law enforcement offices with complaints calling dibs on any future civil settlements.
Citing case law established by former U.S. Attorney Generals John “Pornhole” Ashcroft and Alberto “Greaseball” Gonzalez, a spokespedophile for the Department of Homeland Security told reporters at an undisclosed location during the early stages of the operation that “we were compelled by the allegations to detain and interrogate the suspects.”
Casualty reports were not immediately available. The Obama administration could not be reached for comment on this story. They hate us.
Forensic experts say there is little or no probability that DNA tests will be able to determine which children were conceived in the womb and by whom, “but it is not unprecented,” said one researcher who requested anonymity because she was not authorized to speak on the matter, “for incestual activity to occur when siblings are confined in a crowded space with little privacy for several months, and the womb is extremely crowded, even with one embroyo. Imagine how you would feel in that situation. We should pity them, not persecute them.”
Those who follow landmark legal cases say that it may prove difficult to try any of the Octopremies (as they are affectionately called by local media and police) for alleged crimes that took place before they were born, although anti-abortion rulings during the Bush administration laid the groundwork for the state to argue that the rights of the unborn in some cases supercede the rights of those who can spit up and wail and soil their diapers.
In any event, because of the extreme youth of the victims and their alleged perpetrators, it is unlikely that any of the Octos will spend time in prison for pre-birth hanky-panky. “The worst any of these children will face is placement in the juvenile justice system until they are old enough to enlist in the armed services,” according to an Army recruiter who requested anonymity because he couldn’t remember his name.