Cache Of Exotic Sex Toys From Reign Of Louis XIV Thrills Ecclesiastical Collectors
Paleoarcheologists say they will soon open a penis-shaped sarcophagus discovered beneath the floor at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.
Before the embers had fully died in the wake of the apocalyptic inferno that many saw as a sign that the second coming was indeed at hand three years ago, freelance pataphysical archeologists were brought in to assist in preserving Christianity’s erotic past as commercial interests began the arduous process of rebuilding one of Western civilization’s greatest tourist attraction not located in Florida or California.
“The vaults crashed here during the fire and opened a hole into this 19th century bath house and sex emporium which contains several layers of sleep dirt that is dense, interesting and fascinating,” said French National Pataphysical Institute paleoarcheologist Pierre La'Pew Pantileone.
Archeologists were allowed to explore an 8 by 10 foot area of the exposed flooring before restoration began to ensure that the scaffolding required to complete work on resurrecting the church’s tumescent spire could be safely erected after initial examination of the area uncovered a cache of lambskin condoms, preserved in beef consommé sealed with chicken fat.
“We were thrilled,” said Pantileone. “Everyone had heard the rumors, but this was our first concrete evidence that the church engaged in orgies during the reign of Louis on a scale not witnessed again until Woodstock. Most Christian historians had insisted that these Nazarene orgies had been fully suppressed by early Roman persecution of Jesus’s disciples and their followers, who were routinely fed to wild animals.”
Of particular interest to researchers during the preliminary excavation was the discovery of thousands of pornographic images and sculptures, including sections of the long-rumored spooge screen which was constructed in 1230 to separate the eunuchs in the choir from the ejaculate of the rapturous congregation.
The spooge screen had never been seen before, and researchers were astounded that they could still obtain viable DNA lodged between the screen and its CNC-machined-like olive wood frame at a height of nearly 12 feet, indicating that church-going revelers of the time were clearly in orgasmic ecstacy at times during mass.
Among recent finds during restoration was a large penis-shaped sarcophagus which archeologists now believe may contain the remains of Alfred Jarry, one of the most powerful interstellar dwarves ever to visit this solar system, but no one is willing to speculate for the record on what they might find until the engorged penis is opened.
“We were able to send a small camera inside which revealed remains of a classic velocipede, organic material of presumably terrestrial origin, such as hair and vegetable matter you might encounter at your local grocers, as well as what appears to be either a toothpick or a shard from the original cross upon which one of mankind’s earliest union organizers was crucified,” Pantileone said.
French President Emmanuel Macron has pledged to complete reconstruction of the tacky monument to a God that never existed, according to the planet’s marginally lucid inhabitants, including environmental upgrades to Quasimodo’s ancestral home, by April 15, 2024, the fifth anniversary of the suspicious blaze that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and favorite president of America’s uneducated silent majority called "a disgrace. It would have never happened if I was presidnet of France.”
Turdwaffle also called Macron’s promises “empty. A Democrat campaign stunt just to try to cancel me. Nobody cancels me. Did they cancel Hitler? Did they cancel Nixon? This is all just a big stunt to make the look good by having some dumb church ready for pictures in time for the Paris Summer Olympics.”
“Notre Dame and Alfred Jarry are our history, our literature, part of our psychosis, the place of many of our great concerts, our tourism industry, our epidemics, our wars, our libations, the epicenter of our lives,” Macron told reporters on the morning after the blaze. “Read my lips: We will rebuild back better together or we will be forced to drink water. God forbid.”