Critics Pan The Madness of Bush Boy George
Vincent Joad Foster
Park Bench Observer
Pataphysical Emergency Management Agency
WASHINGTON (PEMA) — Hoping to avoid questions about the incredibly dumb decision to invade Iraq on bad intelligence and declare victory on May Day, 2003 on the deck of he USS Abraham Lincoln, U.S. First Idiot Fubar W. Ubu and British Prime Menstruator Tony “Margaret's Thatch Hair" Blair hosted an all-you-can-eat with free drinks joint press conference to dispel rumors that the Mission Accomplished banner Bush stood beneath was designed in Iran and screen-printed in North Korea.
Attendance at the invitation-only event was sparse, with angry protestors outside the concertina wire barricades set up to protect Bush and Blair from potential terrorist attackers, who outnumbered paid-audience members by three or four to one.
Bush tried to begin on a positive note, drawing from his favorite talking points over the past six months: "The good news is we don't have to invade the Balkans yet because the Russians have it under control. I realize there are some negative nabob say-nayers who irreprehensively question our motivational speeches, but I can still look you in the eye and tell you I feel I tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, before deciding the decision I did and as the decider I would have decided the same decision to commit our troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today, even though it turned out to be wrong."
Bush also said that the loss of American and coalition lives was "totally unrespectable for some of our allies to understand, but the American people are still 100 percent behind our policies if not my handling of them, and that's to be suspected, because they reelected me to a second term, which was a vindictive indication that they appreciate all my father did in the first global struggle against litigious extremism. So despite setbacks and missteps caused by my opponents and the misguided liberals, I strongly believe we did and are doing the right thing, no matter how wrong it may look to outsiders who don't understand the real problems we face."
When asked for his opinion on how well the war is going, Blair called the violence "ghastly," and blamed critics of the Bush administration for problems in the middle east.
Bush did admit that while he had not made a mistake in "talking a bit too Texan in the earlier days of the struggle for freedomocracy and recountability, such as saying Obama bin Hadyn was wanted dead or alive and we was hunting him down and rounding him up or calling out the evil ones and telling them to bring it on, but I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I was concerned, and I was concerned, as should be every good American who knows me. I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it — I'm going to repeat what I said before — I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out."
At this point, the President reacted as if a bee had stung him in his right ear, and Blair had to grab his arm to keep the First Idiot from falling of the stage again for the third time in a week. Gathering his wits, the president grinned mightily and said: "I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more civilized manner, you know. Thanks, Dick."
"Tony," Blair corrected.
Asked what he considered the key failure in the catastrophic aftermath of a war that some now believe will last for two or three decades, Blair said leaders did not wish hard enough for success against the unanticipated strength of the insurgency. "It should have been very obvious to us, given all the intelligence we ignored at the time," the prime minister said.
Blair also refused comment on The Madnesses of Bush Boy George, a new play that opened in London this week that suggests the lunacy in the Bush family can be traced to the English king who ruled Brittannia during the American Revolution. "Oh bollocks," Blair huffed, calling the bookends theory of cultural collapse "completely rubbish that I will not dignify with a response."
Rushing to the aid of his close friend, Bush said: "But you have to remember, see, that at the time we embarked on this noble endeavor that everyone thought that we'd be welcomed as liberators. Just asked my buddy Donnie Rumsfart. And it turned out we were welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome. And don't forget about Saddam's role in all this. He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, our government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror. So our hands were tied, and Tony's hands were tied as well because he was a willing partner in the coalition."
Responding to a question from a young man in a wheelchair with a card pinned to his shirt, Bush said: "The biggest challenge facing us today is trying to stop the damn suiciders — which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion — is difficult to do. Many people even here in the United States are anti-right-to-lifers, see. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting their would be suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow, which is why I supported the bill to keep Terri Schindler alive last summer without much success, and I continue to do so."
Neither Bush nor Blair cared to speculate when soldiers from their countries can begin to go home.
"We're going to work with our partners in Iraq, the new government, the independent contractors, and our sponsors to determine the way forward," Bush said. Bush refused to comment on news reports that the Pentagon planned to reduce the U.S. force by more than 25% in October, calling the reports "rumors and rare expeculation that can damage our integrity and give suckers to the enemy, but I'll tell you this, we'll keep the force level there whatever is necessary to win in November."
Concluding the Q&A session, Bush responded to a question about what he considered the chief accomplishment of his legacy by saying: "You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone, which I look forward to knowing I can't run again. I know people laugh when I say what I am, like when I said I'm the decider, but how else can I explain it, see? I'm a wisher too. A gladhander. A retailer, I mean, retaliator who retaliates against those who are thinking of attacking us before they can do it, so I preempt them evil ones, because that's the law, and this a nation of laws, which is why I'm the president. And it's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that. Just ask me. Don't expectorate, because that's just rude. Come on, Tony, let's eat."
The press conference ended when Bush put his arm around Blair's shoulder and led him to dinner upstairs in the president's parlor.
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