Willie Roman Nohman
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
SIMIAN VALLEY, CA (PMS) – Jubilant Californians massed in the streets of this Caucasian neighborhood to celebrate the dismantling of the automatronic stand-in to former President Flipper Reagan, who left his wife of 140 years in 2001 to join Keiko the killer whale in Iceland. Flipper Reagan was the surgically modified porpoise who led the nation following John Hinckley’s assassination of the Old Rummy in 1981.
Authorities were hard-pressed to keep the crowd from breaking into the Reagan audio book library where his carcass is on display, but they denied that deployment of California National Guard and Reserve troops in President Ubu’s reelection campaign war contributed to the chaos that saw body parts of the former Screen Actor’s Guild president stolen by marauding bands of entrepreneurial youths who vowed to dispose of the stricken leader on e-Bay.
Mourners who came looking for closure in their grief were accosted by throngs of drunken brawlers in shorts and flip-flops who yelled slurs at Reagan family members and engaged in rude and inappropriate behavior.
"How blessed the whole world is that he held office for as long as he did," Navy Ensign Laurie Zimmer, 40, of Los Angeles, said early Tuesday. "As far as I'm concerned, he's the greatest president of the 19th century."