All The News To Give You Shits

Intel To Invest $20 Billion In Ohio Chip Factory

Friday, January 21, 2022

Biden Touts Deal As A Real Win-Win PropositionLameduck Democrat President Joe Biden & Intel Chairman Pat Gelsinger toured an abandoned “opportunity zone” in Cleveland yesterday, announcing plans for a new $20 billion factory “that will create more jobs than you can shake a stick at.”
Intel had...

It's Official. I'm Looking Into NFTs

Thursday, January 20, 2022

This Was My Last Official Posted Tweeted Before Being SuspendedSeems fishy my last Tweet would be about Rep. Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn (R-Word, NC), but when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

Consider this my first entry into the marketplace of non-fuckable tweets.

Portland, You've Come A Long Way Baby!

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Seems Like Only 40 Years Ago…Why, I can remember all the way back to before gentrification when the standard joke about Portland’s finest was:
Q: What do the cops call a traffic stop in North Portland?
A: Target practice.
Them were the days.
The latest scandal involves training...

Repugnicunts Threaten To Boycott Future Presidential Debates Until Former Guy Is Reinstated

Thursday, January 13, 2022

Ronna McDaniel Calls Commission On Presidential Debates A Black Lives Matter Front OrganizationStressing that the GOP remains committed to protecting the rights of wealthy somnambulists, Repugnicunt National Committee charwoman Ronna “My Corona” McDaniel blasted the Commission On Presidential Debates...

Repugnicunts Vow To Shutter NPR After Steve Innskeep Questions The Big Liar

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Turdwaffle Hangs Up & Calls His Feckless Lawyers To See What He Can Sue ForAfter former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and committed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle’s first interview with an actual journalist since his failed coup on January 6, 2021 ended with the doddering dimwit hanging...

Once More With Feeling

Sunday, January 9, 2022

For The Shits & GigglesI love getting these surveys in my junk boxes.

Laura Ingraham Criticized Donald Trump's Jan. 6 Event On-Air Just Before He Canceled It

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

Event Postponed Until January 15 To Celebrate White Heritage DayResponding to complaints that his threatened press conference on the first anniversary of his failed coup was tone deaf, if not criminal, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and what you get when you finally get what you deserve,...

Flurona Is Coming! Flurona Is Coming!

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Anti-Vaxxers Are Really Gonna Love The Next WaveImagine how much fun it’s gonna be catching a couple of kinds of flu & the omicron variant of the coronavirus hoax at the same time.

Florida Students Told To Bring Own Body Bags

Monday, January 3, 2022

DeSantis Tells Parents: “When The Going Gets Tough, Get Your Ass In Gear”Taking a brief break from dragging his cancer-stricken wife to a series evangelical superspreader events believed by the faithful to have healing properties across his shit hole state, Florida governer & totally committed douchebag...

We're About To Get Even Stupider

Thursday, December 30, 2021

When It Happens, I’ll Be The First To Say I Told You SoIt’s only fair that those who worship Cassandra as their one true God be willing to put their mouths where their putzes are.

COVID Vaccine Death Toll Continues To Mount

Saturday, December 25, 2021

You Can’t Argue With The FactsWhile liberals, scientists, expert researchers, & realists continue to insist that vaccines have been proven safe & effective, there is a growing consensus among average Americans that there is no consensus to be reached when it comes to objective reality.
Here at...

Kim Potter Latest Victim In Liberal War On Christmas

Thursday, December 23, 2021

Judge Lays Down The Law; Keeps Convict In JailClearly unable to understand the meaning of tone deafness, attorneys for former cop & convicted human killer  wasted no time in demanding that Kimberly K. Potter be released to observe Christmas with her family and friends, “unless your honor is willing...

Coal Miner's Offer To Pay AOC To Move To WV

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

We Need A Senator Who Gives A Fuck About Working PeopleFollowing explosive revelations that Sen. Charlie Manchin (Dimwit, WV) is a racist scrumbag with hints of chardonnay & horehound, outraged West Virginians keyed the aging white supremacist’s Maserati & threatened to sink his yacht if he didn’t...

Louis DeJoy Cuts Service To North Pole

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Cites Cost Savings And Improved EfficiencyLouis DeJoy may have coasted through allegations that he removed electronic mail sorting machines & reduced head count to sabotage mail-in voting and help rig the 2020 election for former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle, but he...

Sounds Like It's Time To Dig Out The Recipe For Nancy's Secret Head Sauce

Friday, December 17, 2021

Just Say Yes To ComeThe things I miss on Twitter these days apparently included this thread, which reminded of the time my smut was judged to have no redeeming social value by Cheri magazine. 
Mike Golden told me so.
He said: “The bosses have determined your Little Oral Annie column about...

Recovering Capitol Rioter Requests Time Off To Attend MAGAA Rally

Monday, December 13, 2021

Cites E-Mail From Save America PAC As Orders From His Higher PowerDid you really click on this story? What did you expect?
I’ll tell you one thing: MAGAA is not a typo.

China Finds Man In The Moon House Is Abandoned

Monday, December 6, 2021

Mission To Pink Floyd Side Of The Moon Stuns Scientific CommunityChina’s Yutu 2 rover has discovered the yurt believed to be used by The Man In The Moon while He was building Earth approximately 6,000 years ago.
The yurt is located approximately six miles north of the Van Der Graaf crater McDonald’s...

Moderation, Like Poetry, Makes Nothing Happen

Friday, December 3, 2021

And Most Contemporary Moderates Are Indistinguishable From Nazis AnywayJust putting this on the record.
Why, there Auden be a law…

What Do You Call A Country With A Completely Fake History?

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Oh Come On. This Isn’t A Trick Question!Is it too soon to blame the Greatest Generation for bringing over all those fucking Nazis after WWII so the Russians didn’t get them? 
I’m so tired of our family values. Gus knows their offspring have produced some of the least appealing leaders the world...

Florida Teacher At Center Of Ivermectin Lawsuit Dies Of Covid; Husband Says 'Name A Law After Her'

Thursday, November 18, 2021

When Civilization Is Unclear On The ConceptA Florida teacher who became an Internet meme for trying to force a hospital to give her ivermectin has died from COVID-19, 12 weeks after being admitted to Life’s Beach Gardens Hospice Center for treatment. Amanda Felthersnatch was 41 years of underlying...

One Of The Best Benefits Of Being Banned From Twitter For Hateful Conduct Is...

Monday, November 15, 2021

I Was Also Removed From Various Turdwaffle E-Mail ListsThis led me to suspect that my alleged hateful conduct arose from my willingness to post the insane bullshit from Trump Nazis and supply-side plantation owners that sludged up my junk mailboxes. 
For some reason, though, I think one of the...

If We Ain't Broke, Don't Fix Me

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Says Pair Of Tasty TesticlesWhy do testicles have taste receptors, anyway?

Biden's Agenda Being Blocked By Reagan Legacy

Monday, November 1, 2021

“If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It," Says The ProblemI’ll never get tired of saying I told you so.
Can anyone really be surprised that Old Rummy Reagan’s shining city on the hill ending up being just another tacky McManchin?

Oregon Repugnicunt Lawmaker Resigns After Relocating To Shit Hole State

Thursday, October 28, 2021

He Considered It A Part Time Job Where He Could Work From HomeFrershman Oregon state representative & Turdwaffle-supporters Oliver Nipple (Boring) agreed to step down after elections officials announced his mail-in ballots for the past 8 elections had been returned as undeliverable with a forwarding...

Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn Demands Blonde Moms Support #Alt-Reich Remasculation Effort

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Calls For Renewed Effort To Establish Monster RaceNorth Carolina’s favorite freshman Repugnicunt dickless wonder, Rep. Holden-Cawthorn seemed to blame his mother for leaving him paralyzed from the waist down after a botched remasculation attempt following a Democrat assassination attempt.

Marjoe Faylor Greengob Slams 'Fascist' NBA

Friday, October 15, 2021

Seen On Capitol Steps Examining Her Own FecesRemember the old joke about locking 100 monkeys in a room & eventually they’d type out all the works of Shakespeare? Now imagine that all those monekys were cloned from Georgia’s favorite freshman Nazi.
They might come up with a tweet like this after...

Elon Musk Relocates To Texas

Friday, October 8, 2021

To Take Advantage Of All The Great Texas HealthcareNeed we say more?

Turdwaffle Claims Permanent Executive Privilege

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

That Explains All The Executive Time On His Schedule When He Wasn’t Golfing During His Reign Of ErrorI guess America truly grates again.

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Recruits American Christian Church Nazis

Monday, October 4, 2021

Onward Shithead Soldiers Marching As To War!In a video posted to conservative Web site Nutjobs over the weekend, Rep Holden Cawthorn, R-Word, N.C., called on “strong, God-fearing patriots” to saddle up, strap on their peacemakers, and come out of the closet to stand their heavily-armed ground against...

Trump Told Throbbing Grisham His Penis Was Not Shaped Like A Tiny Toadstool

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

“Here, Take A Peek,” Turdwaffle Texted From Air Force OneIn the new book from one of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s many bimbo press secretaries, Stephanie “Throbbing” Grisham claims that the right-wing rotund one was so infuriated by Stormy Daniels descripton...

MAGA Teen Undergoes Emergency Surgery After Getting Beats Headphone Cable Stuck In His Penis

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Teen Claims Mike Lindell Spoke From His MeatusA 14-year-old Florida boy was rushed to Our Lady Of Perpetual Menstruation this morning after he got the jack  from his Beats headphone cable stuck in his penis.
The home-schooled youth inserted the headphone jack “in the context of stopping the steal,”...

Mom Of Soldier Slain In Kabul Blames Biden Voters

Friday, September 17, 2021

Vows To File Criminal & Civil ComplaintsKaren Whitelaw has had it with liberals and socialists. The suburban mother of four says “They killed my boy, sure as we’re standing here. My president had a peace plan, but these Biden voters stole the election by all of them voting and look what happened.”

Marjoe Faylure Greene Pissed At AOC's Met Gala Dress

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“It Might As Well Say Fuck America!” Screams Georgia Junior ReprehensativeThe first rule of alternative journalism is not to give a fat rat’s booty about your subject or your audience. Everyone winds up in the same discard bin in the end.
There is nothing special about anyone.
Taste one turd...

Mike Lindell Blasts Dems For Stealing Thousands Of Supporters

Monday, September 13, 2021

More Than 10 Thousand Missing From “We The People Reunion” At KY Jelly Stadium“We The People Reunion” organizer Mike Lindell filed more than 10,000 missing persons reports with the Muhlenberg County Sheriff’s Department after fewer than 250 rabid supporters of twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

AP Style Guide For Journalism Issues Alternative Woke Updates

Saturday, September 11, 2021

“Baby Bump” Called An "Abomination To Sense & Sensibility”Decrying the dumbing down of the English language to appease the uneducated Repugnicunt base that has made America alternatively great, the liberal elite at the Assoicate Press has begun issuing a number of corrections to their style guide “to...

Nation's Youth Don't Remember 9/11

Friday, September 10, 2021

Memories Formed By Right-Wing Media And Godless Socialized EducationResearchers were stunned to find that more than 75% of all Americans under the age of 20 have no memory of the events of September 11, 2001, the day that was as important to life on Earth as God’s original golf resort, The Gardens...

Most Americans In New Poll Admit 9/11 Changed Very Little

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

85% Say Country Is Worse Off Than 20 Years AgoCiting escalating gun carnage, the proud rebirth of white supremacist violence, and systemic income inequality, a staggering majority of Americans have begun to realize that the events of September 11, 2001, were actually retaliation for the CIA assassination...

Jake Shandling Hints He Is Pregnant

Monday, September 6, 2021

QAnon Amos’s Lawyer Claims He Was Seduced By The Former PresidentLast Friday, after the insurrectionist formerly known as the QAnon Shaman pled guilty to obstruction for his role in storming the Capitol on January 6, his lawyer Clarice Darpa argued that her incel client “had a fondness for Trump that...

Bojack Horseman In Critical Condition

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Ivermectin Shortage Caused By COVID Anti-Vaxxers To BlameThe 19 months since his Netflix show was cancelled have not been kind to Bojack Horseman, the twice-failed star of two forgettable sitcoms, who checked into rehab in July, 2020, and promptly caught COVID from a toilet seat while puking. Between...

Rand Paul Thinks Hatred Of Trump Is Behind Climate Change

Monday, August 30, 2021

“Anti-Trumpers Are Really Anti-Science Antifa” Says FlibbertigibbetarianCiting previous allegations he made suggesting scientists hate Trump so much they won’t study whether a cocktail Viagra & ivermecton can be used to embalm COVID patients, Kentucky’s favorite dustmop Rand Paul today blamed recent...

Turdwaffle Claims Consecutive Privilege

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & everybody’s favorite killer konstitutional klown Donald J. Turdwaffle has invoked consecutive privilege to prevent Congress from investigating his role in the failed insurrection on January 6th, citing Fox News reports that he may be reinstated any...

Turdwaffle Clarifies Taliban Origin Story

Monday, August 23, 2021

“I Was Using A Petitfour!” Corpulent Con Man CrowsStung by critical fact-checking of his recent rally in Cullman, Alabama, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator & all-around authoritarian scumbag Donald J. Turdwaffle told his communication crew at Fox News today that he had not confused...

Taliban Offers To Lease Seized Arms Back To U.S.

Saturday, August 21, 2021

“We’re Only In It For The Money,” Says Shiekh YerboutiAssistant Communications Director for the Taliban, Shiekh Badr al-Din Yerbouti told jostling reporters outside Osama bin Laden International Airport this morning that the Taliban continues to abide by the terms of the 2020 peace accord they signed...

Biden On Afghanistan: "There's Never A Good Time To Pull Out"

Monday, August 16, 2021

“Better You Think Of The Consequences Before You Stick Yourself In” President Chides MediaTelling it like it is, President Biden today assured the nation he stood behind his decision to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan by the end of the month, calling it “the right thing to do.”

DeSantis Bets On $1500 Ounce Of Cure Beating Free Shots

Saturday, August 14, 2021

Supply Side Plantation Economy Inside Traders Set To Make A Killing In FloridaArguing that providing safe & effective COVID shots to Floridians without charge is not sustainable in the long term & will lead to a socialist victory in the war of stupid ideologies, Governor Ron DeSantis today threatened...

Russia Offers To Repair Boeing Starliner

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Claims It Got Plans From Former President As Gift In Return For Rigging 2016 ElectionTwice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle responds to Russian offer with cryptic alternative tweet from his Save American Nazis PAC: “BULLIES NEVER FIGHT,” apropos of covfefe.

State Department Looking For Missing Bottle of Whiskey

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Spirits Worth $5800 Last Seen In Company Of Mike PompeoA bottle of Japanese whiskey worth $5800 alledgedl given to former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo as a bribe in 2019 cannot be accounted for.
Believe it or not, gifts to US officials actually belong to our collective nation of miserable fucks....

Doomsday Variant Discovered In January 6th Detainees

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

CDC Downplays Variant Name, Blaming InternA routine screening of the more than 600 January 6th rioters held at the Earl Butz Memorial Fairgrounds awaiting trial for treason has revealed that nearly 80% were infected with a unique strain of brain-eating COVID, dubbed The Doomsday Variant by Harriet...

Sarah Palin Asks God To Endorse Senate Run

Monday, August 2, 2021

“Sarah Who?” Yahweh's Aide AsksAfter waiting patiently for several years for the stars to align, former Alaska Governor & failed Repugnicunt vice-presidential candidate Sarah Sirhan Palin went on Twitter today to announce she is considering a run to replace RINO Lisa Murkowski, writing: “If God wants...

Sleepy Joe To Reward Unvaccinated & Uneducated For Spreading Delta

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Proposes $100 Payment To Turdwaffle's NimrodsIt was only a matter of time before Joe Biden did something to show us he’s just another clueless bozo driving this bus to oblivion.
Let me be perfectly clear: People who are still unvaccinated at this point do not deserve incentives to get the virus.

Turdwaffle Claims Arizona Audit Found 8 Million More Votes From 12 States

Saturday, July 24, 2021

“See? I Told You I Won!” Jubilant Alt-Jihadist ProclaimsTwice-impeached former President Turdwaffle promised on Saturday to give the entire Arizona state Senate “an extra special Medal of Freedom when I’m reinstated next month,” claiming that Cyber Ninja auditors had found “nearly 10 million votes...

Antifa Claims Responsibility For Delta Variant

Monday, July 19, 2021

“We Warned You Fuckers. War Is War!” Says Sean MiltonFresh off its highly successfully compaign to encourage America’s neo-Nazis and Confederate War holdouts not to get vaccinated, Antifa carried out a series of highly offensive actions against QAnon targets overnite, including the TPing of Mr. & Mrs....

Trump Blasts Branson For "Disrespecting Your President"

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Claims Space Force Made Exploitation Safe AgainDoubling down on his July 12th claim that he made it possible for Virgin Galactic president Richard Branson & Amazon founder Jeff Bezos to engage in a friendly gentlemen’s space race, former failed führer & twice-impeachment bad precedent Donald J. Turdwaffle...


Saturday, July 17, 2021

She Just Filed To Change Her Name……to Laurena Bobbitt

Bloody Hell!

Monday, July 12, 2021

Megyn Kelly Is Trending On TwitterIs it that time of the month already?

Dusky Balls Hangs It Up

Sunday, July 4, 2021

Hebrew League Fullback Inducted Into Foyer Of ChutzpahKnown for his toughness as a defender & midfielder for the Brooklyn Hakoah of the Hebrew Football League, Hymen Irving “Dusky Balls” Mandlebaum, has been inducted into the Bethel Abrahan Foyer of Chutzah at age 103.
Early in his career, Mandlebaum...

Transexual Teen Dies After Receiving COVID Vaccine

Friday, July 2, 2021

“I Told Her Not To Take That Vaccine” Says Mom
Tommy Lahdanum, 13, snuck into Walgreen’s to get her COVID shots after her anti-vax mother Sparkle Lahdanum forbid her from getting the shots so she could return to school. “It was our one point of contention. She believed in science and I believe...

Ivanka Denies Hiring Herself To Manage 2017 Inauguration

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

“I’m Too Smart To Have Hired Me,” Fallen Princess TestifiesWhile visiting a homeless camp near her Indian Creek home this week, Ivanka Turdwaffle took time out from administering hydroxychloroquine shots to coronavirus-hoax victims to dismiss rumors that she lied during her December 2020 deposition...

Florida Safe House Under Surveillance

Friday, June 25, 2021

Bhutto Promises To Reveal Precise Location Of Bin Laden For Smart BombingMahmoud "Mickey" al Zawhiri
Anonymous Terrorist
Homeland Security Informant Desk
Pataphysical Information News Service

BETELGUESE, Andromeda Galaxy (PINS) — NASA researchers...

Trump Threatens To Sue Founding Fathers

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

“Whatever Happened To My Constitution?” Turdwaffle Wonders After SCOTUS Saves ObamacareWith his former accountant on the hot seat & his handpicked Supreme Court voting against his interests, the most impeached criminal in White House history is said to be pondering his options under the rule of lawyers,...

Climate Change Hoax Continues To Grow

Friday, June 18, 2021

Point Of No Return Farts In Our General DirectionI just read an article about the heat dome over the American West where someone said something like “This was so preventable. It’s so sad. It gives me hope.”
There are people whose thought processes actually work this way?

Q-Anon Offers Followers Chance To Win August Inauguration Tickets

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Proof Of COVID19 Non-Vaccination RequiredAs many states & municipalities have resorted to lotteries & other incentives to encourage people to get vaccinated, supporters of former #AmericaFirst führer Cornholed J. Turdwaffle have doubled down on their claims that the 2020 elections was stolen from the...

Great News For American Consumers

Saturday, June 12, 2021

When Life Gives You Black Fungus, Make An Omelet!Despite what former president Donut Jay Turdwaffle e-mailed to every social media user yesterday, do NOT inject yourself with Spectracide if you are diagnosed with the Delta variant of COVID19. It will not prevent you from developing black fungus should...

Oregasm Bests Asscough

Thursday, June 10, 2021

US DOJ Threatens To Retaliate By Killing Doctors 

Leslie Stephen Mohr
Cognitive Dissident 
Pataphysical Misinformation Service 
April 18, 2002 04:12:07AM

SALEM, (PMS) – A federal judge today called attempts by Attorney General Johann Asscough to torture and kill...

Florida Man Trains For New Olympic Sport

Monday, June 7, 2021

Tot Tossing Touted As New Extreme SportTruer words have allegedly never been uttered by a Community Police State spokesman:
“You can’t throw a baby at us and expect us to treat you with kid gloves,” Sheriff Eric Flowers said in a statement.
Read all the news to give you late-stage epilepsy...

Ashcroft Vows To Persecute Florida Advocates For Choice

Sunday, June 6, 2021

By Darwin D. Grimm
The Church of the Oven of Peace
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 8, 2001 05:29AM
WEST PALM BEACH (YU) – Now that the first of last November’s pregnant chads are being stillborn or aborted, Attorney General John Ashcroft has reaffirmed his commitment...

Bush Practiced For Speech By Watching Simpsons Reruns

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Matilde Groaning 
Porno Graphics Editor 
Pataphysical Mammary Syndicate 
WASHINGTON (PMS) — Press Secretary Spot McLanolinhans deflected criticisms of the First Idiot's continued inability to pronounce even simple two syllable words without...

Protesting Whales Beach Themselves In Beluga

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Pataphysical Misery Syndicate By Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi
ft. Nabih Devadip Berry
YU Fashion Hostage Writers

BELUGA, Iraq (YU) – Laser-guided missiles, smart bombs, and the capricious use of overwhelming force against an immovable stone...

SkyNet Drone Goes Medieval On Antifa Terrorist's Ass

Monday, May 31, 2021

UN Report Cites Portlander Killed At BLM Protest
One consequence of the Reagan legacy that rarely bets discussed by the corporate media has been the militarization of community police state departments across the US, complete with the distribution of obsolete military hardware to local slave catchers...

Amy Cooper Condemns Discrimination Against Racists

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Dog Park Karen Sues Former Employer, Claiming Protected Class Status“Hell hath no fury like a dumb racist broad” could have been written by Shakespeare, but it wasn’t. It was written by me, just now. 
If there were no Amy Cooper, the American media, in support of our perfected supply side plantation...

Bush Suv Tour Kills Four Ohio Protestors

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

UNCOMMON SENSEBy Tia Eminem Squires
Political Hack Groupie
Pataphysical Metafizzical Syrupice 

MOMMEE, Ohio (PMS) - President Bush has an even harder case to make about his compassionate conservative agenda in Ohio after his Cadillac Escalade plowed...

Released Prisoners Shot While Attempting To Complain

Sunday, May 23, 2021

Marcus D. Sadr
Bonded Disciplinary Critic
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

ABU GHRAIBASS, Iraq (PMS) – American troops opened fire on a crowd of several thousand Iraqi civilians being released from the luxurious Abu Ghraibass minimum security...

Paltrow Pussy-Scented Candle Explodes

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Highly Volatile Vaginal Essential Oils Result In Rebranding EffortA lawsuit filed in Texas by someone who allegedly was originally from Florida indicates Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop lifestyle company has been sued for 5 quadrohexaquotillion dollars after one of their “This Thing Smells Just Like My Vagina”...

Texas Gov Signs Spritz & Zip Abortion Ban

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

“Life Begins Before His Seed Is Dry” Grins Texan Leader Judicial observers were left speechless this morning, when the Texas State Supreme Court preemptively upheld a series of anti-abortion bills Republican governor Bud Abott has not even signed yet, because antifa has stolen all the pens & permanent...

Was Pete Davidson Made Of Honor?

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Ariana Grande Weds Beau BooUnfortunately, our Zoom connection failed before the intimate ceremony to which we were not privy began. We didn’t even attempt to contact Pete Davidson for confirmation of our fabriacted report. So it goes.We owe it all to A. J. Liebling
for leading us to accept

Trevor Lawrence Goes Full Billie Eilish

Monday, May 17, 2021

Film at eleven

Killian Wrote Kiss UP Letter To Goober's Dad

Monday, May 17, 2021

Hymen "Rip" Thorn
Fabrications Director
Pataphysical Counterinsurgency Center

WASHINGTON (PCC) — A another packet of Texas Air National Guard records surfaced today, discovered in the wall of an apartment once rented by former Democratic...

Little Eliza Jade Stefaniac Kicks Ma Cheney's Black & Blue Bottom

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Repugnicunts Reaffirm Their Standing As The Party of Joe McCarthy
In a stunning upset of absolutely nothing, Repugnicunts continue to admit they are lost & unceremoniously ditch an established right-wing nutjob for a moderate Nazi Trump supporter in a bid to reshape reality for mysterious reasons...

Drunken Elephants Bang Hilton

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Billy Katzinsakiswinkle
Essential Existential Editor
Fabulous Information Bureau
NORTHHAMPTON (FIB) — Paris Hilton is tired of hearing about her party girl days as an amateur porn hole, and in recent weeks she has demonstrated her resolve to ensure her...


Friday, May 7, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics October 29, 2008
I downloaded and watched Slacker Nation last week, and while it did not change my fundamental view that the right to vote is simply a way of getting average schmucks to share responsibility for the atrocities committed by rule-of-law...

Is It Concealed Carry If You Keep It In Your Pants?

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Umatilla Deputies Accused Of CockfightingWillie S. Burroughs, Nova Express Editor
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 5, 2001 12:59AM

HERMITCRAB (YUYNE1) — Umatilla County Sheriff’s deputies apparently apprehended themselves at a popular cock-fighting parlor located...

Matt Gaetz Victim Blames Media For Victimization

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

“I Am A Proud, Capable, & Competent Conservative Woman,” Anonymous News & Entertainment Casualty ComplainsIn a stunning development that may wel spell doom for the human species by deflecting our attention, yet again, from the ongoing global extinction event precipitated by America’s oil industry,...

Iraq's New Puppet Introduced At G8 Summit

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Adam Smythe
Petrol Procurement Editor
Pataphysical Megacolonic Syndicate
SWEET PEA ISLAND, GA. (MPS) - President Ubu, declaring that world leaders were “ ulling" for Iraq's new president, joined a demonstration of a prototype Punch and Judy...

Matt Can't Always Gaetz What He Wants

Thursday, April 1, 2021

Tales Of The Crips From Semenhole County, Florida......where the inane go to thrive.
That’s all I got for you douchebags about these douchebags.
You got a problem with that?
Meet me in the vacant lot in back of the empty space between Twitter’s ears.

Gnus Flash!

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Crack Proctologists Team Up To Tackle Suez Blockage

Bush Twins Suspects In Fatal Crash

Thursday, March 25, 2021

By Marshall Proust
The March of Mimes 
All The News To Give You Fits
Yossarian Universal News Service May 31 2001 9:32PM
NORTH LITTLE ROCK (YU) – Dubyamint twins Babs and Jenna Elfman Bush are being sought in connection with a chain reaction accident on I-30 that left more...

Demands for Controlled Nazi Hunts Surge After January 6 Insurrection

Monday, February 15, 2021

Inside Jokes Are The #BeBest KindI can’t remember exactly when i wrote the first Nazi season story, but I’m pretty sure it was about the same time I released the story about the Ethiopian famine relief cart pileup. Here are are versions of each that I just find using Spotlight on the Portland Pataphysical...

October Surprises Around Around!

Friday, November 13, 2020

Pentagon discovers thousands of surprised troops in Afghanistan
Ben J. DickarnaultSenior MountebankOfficial Prevarication DeskPataphysical News Agency21455020170830PNAYUYNE1
NORFOLK, VA (PNA) — During a routine examination of payroll records, forensic accountants at the Pentagon discovered...

Treaty Abrogation

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Trump Hints at Withdrawal From Louisiana PurchaseFrom Stiff and Wired ReportersPortland Pataphysical News Service09022017113902EDTFU
HOUSTON (PPNS) — During a mission of mercy to aid those displaced and devastated by flooding from Hurricane Harvey, a surprisingly presidential Donald Trump on Saturday...

Think Different

Monday, March 6, 2017

An Apple a dayI told you all Jobs are evil. Take The Bible.
Satan To Sue Apple Over Trademark FlapHELL (YU) — Attorneys for the deceased founder of the Church of Satan have filed notice with the San Francisco department of public works of his intention to pursue a slander suit against...


Saturday, December 17, 2016

The libtard media still doesn’t get itIf you had read The One Minute President back when the country was run by the wife of a guy with mid-life Alzheimer’s, you would have been far better prepared when the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) of which you are a dutiful citizen underwhelmingly voted to...