Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
Lounge & Laundromat
DISCLAIMERS, CONDITIONS OF ABUSE, AND TERMINAL DISSERVICE
The Lord Thy God Says
Life is short
Attention spans are shorter. Just when you thought you learned something from history, you realize you’re talking to yourself again and everyone else in your nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) is listening to old Joni Mitchell vinyls and looking at your telephone logs and financial records. Your buttocks are really in deep rich compost, and there’s nothing this site can do for you. You have yourself become the history that you have not learned and cannot learn from. That’s the American Way! Congratulations! Mass debate or masturbate: the choice is yours. It can never matter, speaking binarily. Fortunately, the universe is not a binary construct. Yes, fortunately, but not for you, asswipe.
On top of all that, your having read this far establishes that you have initialed the non-disclosure agreement preventing you from discussing anything you may stumble across while trying to find your way out of this matrix.
Copyright and Trademarks
Ligi, Cognitive Dissident, Uncommon Sense, Cognitive Flatulence, Projectile Dysfunction, Penis Dementia, NOMF, the Uncommon Sense logo, the Sphincter Control logo, the Cognitive Dissident Logo, and the YU Airship are trademarks or registered trademarks of Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates (called herein hereafter The Pataphysical Plaintiff) in the NOMF, the coalition of the willing, the terrestrial liberated freedumbocracies who are with us, the scum-sucking coldblooded murdering evil ones who oppose us (whoever we and they are), occupied territories who are caught in the middle, and imaginary poopadoodle strongholds like Texas, Florida, and Deathstars throughout the imaginary universe. All content on this site is protected against being ripped off by inflamed polyps and those whose spastic colons house them, unless otherwise noted. Users are prohibited from modifying, injecting, copying, inhaling, distributing, ingesting, excreting, transmitting, displaying, publishing, selling, licensing, creating derivative works from or using any content on this site for private or commercial purposes without first mailing us their genitals. No substitutions. No exceptions.
Disputes and Arbitration
All material not created by the Pataphysical Plaintiff was given to us by Bertold Brecht who created the public domain for use by the Pataphysical Plaintiff for anything found on Ted Steven's InterWeb, a series of interconnected digital pneumatic tubes through which the information age scurries to & fro, like a mutated cockroach, talking of Michelangelo. If you created anything contained on this site (And you are not The Pataphysical Plaintiff or one of its aliases) it is only because the InterWeb is a terrible place where people spend much of their time ripping one another off, because that's ! We will be willing to acknowledge disputed artwork or photography, however, in the event you are unhappy with how the InterWeb works, if you send us a screenshot of your work along with an indication of where it appears on this site, & we will either credit you or remove your work. We are not evil, although we are closely allied with Satan.
Any dispute or difference arising out of or in connection with these Disclaimers & Terminal Disservice shall be resolved by the appointment of a heavily armed imaginary arbitrator to be agreed upon by the Pataphysical Plaintiff, or failing agreement within fourteen centuries of first knowledge of the difference between good & evil, after some raucous party has been thrown leaving all revelers in a stage of advanced decomposition during which someone may have made a written request to concur in the execution of the arbitrator, by another less deceased arbitrator to be suggested by Alfred Jarry or his sacred toothpick, this paragraph may just decide to go on forever without end or punctuation
The Pataphysical Plaintiff does not knowingly violate the privacy of visitors to this Web site. We cannot guarantee, however, that the NOMF, with the complete obsequious complicity of utility companies, law enforcement agencies, , your family, friends, neighbors, and other thoroughly despicable entities protected by and various non-disclosure agreements, are not already following every move you make, while modeling every inconceivable imaginary scenario that might possibly convince some anti-activist judge to issue whatever paperwork is required to decide which interrogation center to ship your sorry buttocks to to protect the sorry buttocks of the NOMF and have you thank them for it.
The Pataphysical Plaintiff only collects virtual DNA when you visit, for the express purpose of creating imaginary organs to keep your imaginary body alive in the event you suffer an imaginary culture of life moment while visiting here and have to be placed on imaginary life support, which is a little like getting Frist-tucked in for a good nighty-night. The only cookies you may encounter in an imaginary product provided by The Pataphysical Plaintiff are more commonly referred to as brownies and are fashioned from a classic recipe stolen from Alice B. Toklas. Please share.
Security is horse exhaust. Everyone knows that. If you trust anyone, you are in for a big disappointment. In addition to being short, life is boring. If you are looking for boredom with your horse exhaust, please seek the truth within yourself. Don’t bother me with your problems. I have a war to wage to protect reality from people like me.
Thinking for yourself and seeking out alternative sources of information upon which to base your imaginary lifestyle is a risky activity, which can sometimes lead to enemy combatant status requiring lengthy enhanced interrogation sessions at Guantanamo Bay or one of several dozen secret detention facilities run by the U.S. government and paid for by happy taxpayers who work to support the NOMF. The Pataphysical Plaintiff isn't stupid or brave enough to take responsibility for any injury or death you might experience as a result of basing your actions upon opinions you arrive at after having visited this site. Just because you have made it this far, doesn’t mean the journey has any connection to the destination, which, as we all know, is the grave. I made it this far, and I never meant to go anywhere or join a club, and I still don’t believe anything. What’s your problem?
Use of the Comments (Assuming I bother to include that feature)
Say whatever you want. I do. Freedom of speech belongs to people with the cojones to call A. J. Leibling a worthless gasbag, even if he is dead. Being dead does not exempt gasbags from worthlessness or abuse. Opinions belong to everyone. I’ve had so many I no longer agree with that I can’t very well condemn you from expressing lunatic views of your own. Of course, if Speedo Gonzalez or Wild Bill Barr come looking for some douchebag who suggests implanting a thermonukular device in the former First Idiot’s tookus during the next annual rectal expedition, well, you are on your own. If you are abusive, obscene, vulgar, slanderous, hateful, threatening, sexually-oriented or like any other material that may violate the rule of law, good for you. That’s what heroes do!
our guidelines boil down to “Don’t be a feckless cunt”. If you follow any of these guidelines, not only will God strike you dead, but your comment will remain among the paintings we tape to the refrigerator in The Clinic's 6th sub-basement break room where the shark bubbles blow. We never ban anyone for being bright, rebellious & curious, because we are not like not Twitter. If you need discipline, please see a dominatrix. On the other hand, we may smite you just for General Principles, who is currently in hiding, following the recent hubbub on January 6th.
If you find any comments that either adhere to or violate our guidelines, please make sure to print several copies that you can roll & shove up your ass. We don't want to hear about your problems, so save your outrage for things that matter like whether you get enough condiment packages when you drive through at Taco Bell's. Why would you even eat that shit?
If you are offended by anything you encounter on this site, you have obviously chosen to enter through the wrong exit. Move along now.
LAWS AND REGULATIONS
This Site views all applicable federal, state and local laws and regulations as beneath its contempt. By reading this far, you agree with and whole-heartedly endorse the previous statement.
ALL INFORMATION ON THE SITE IS PROVIDED TO YOU "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, TITLE, NON-INFRINGEMENT, SECURITY OR ACCURACY. PATAPHYSICS IS THE SCIENCE OF IMAGINARY SOLUTIONS. THIS IS NOT A SITE DEVOTED TO THE ONE MINUTE METHOD. IF YOU PREFER TO READ HORSE EXHAUST BASED ON WISHES, GLADHANDS, AND RETALIATIONS, SPEND MORE TIME AT WHITEHOUSE.GOV OR ON FACEBOOK.
LIMITATION OF LIABILITY
The Pataphysical Plaintiff specifically disclaims any liability (whether based on full contact debate, tart on tart lick sister action, strict liability or acts of a willfully awful God) for any direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, or "isn’t that special" damages arising out of or in any way connected with access to or use of imaginary products endorsed or provided by The Pataphysical Plaintiff, including liability associated with any viruses which may infect your or our computer equipment. Wear a mask to prevent the spread of ethernet-borne pathogens. And practice safe hex. Use virtual condoms.
LINKED INTERNET SITES
The Pataphysical Plaintiff is not responsible for the content available on any other Internet site you might end up on by clicking a link on this site or using the Google search function (not included). Blame God for anything bad that happens on the Internet. I do. If you can’t blame God for the Internet, who can you blame? Al Gore? Hell, he’s already the cause of global warming and the collapse of the Democratic party. Even he admits the Internet comment was a joke. Give the big guy a break.
CHANGES TO THE RULES AND CONSQUENCES
The Pataphysical Plaintiff reserves the right to revise whatever it wants at any time and users better be ready to heave to or suffer the consequences. Consider yourself warned and make sure you know where your buttocks are should they ever be sentenced to an extrajudicial smacking.
VIOLATIONS OF THE RULES
The Pataphysical Plaintiff encourages defiance of the rules. Rules are not merely made to be broken. They are made to be mocked. . Satan did and he gets to live forever making other people miserable. Don't be one of the other people. Be a mother people.