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OpenQuoteMark

He’s the best of course of all the worst

Some wrong’s been done, he done it first.

Frank Zappa,

“The Torture Never Stops"

Facebook Reportedly Ready For Fallback Name Change

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Was Faceplant Already Taken?Facebook co-founder & chief muckamuck, Markus Aurelius Zuckerberg has been engaged in non-stop meetings with himself in preparation for Facebook’s rumored name change to Flitter, which may explain his recent inability to keep his story straight.

Turdwaffle Says He No Longer Likes Women Peeing On Him

Saturday, October 16, 2021

It’s Called Becoming That Much More Maturity PresidentialStill plagued by anonymous leakers who appreciate some good irony, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & co-founder of Losers Anonymous, Grabbito Pussolini, denies telling an auditorium packed with high-rolling Repugnicunt donors...

Dave Chappelle Continues To Be Short On Fucks

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Wimps Call For CancellationAnd the beat goes on.
The global fuck shortage has yet to lead America’s deadly serious people to reconsider whether their assholes are really the best place to store their heads.

Clemson Freshman Student Section Responds To Paul Feinbaum

Monday, October 4, 2021

Freshman Cheer Shocks Absolutely No OneThe Baghdad Bob of CNN, Paul Feinbaum, recently decided that Clemson football’s dynasty is over. Feinbaum, who got his start as Mr. Know-It-All on Rocky & Bullwinkle, where he was also the understudy for Mr. Peabody’s sidekick Sherman, has considered South Carolina’s...

Clemson Football Fans Beg Clemson Fans To Stop A Certain Clemson Cheer

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

I Wonder Which One It Could BeAs it turns out, some people are upset about a paw hand gesture some students are making.
Back in my 60s, during rat season, we rats were made to chant a cheer at every pep rally & at least three times during the course of every game that would probably have killed...

Turdwaffle Blasts New Air Force One Color Scheme

Friday, September 24, 2021

Former Guy Calls Rainbow Flag Design “A Complete & Total Disaster”As America moves on from its regrettable past toward a more inclusive and promising future, the Biden administration today revealed the winner of last fall’s DNC-sponsored Tik Tok Teens Flying High For Democracy contest which called...

An Introduction To Pataphysical Panpsychism

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Go Where No Nads Have Gone BeforeDr. Martin Picard, whose great-great-grandson will one day command the Starship Enterprise, argues that mitochrondia are social creatures, with lives of their own, just like the gated communities of Twits on Twitter.
So what exactly is panpsychism & can it be treated...

Missouri Police Department Shows Itself How To Defund Police

Monday, September 20, 2021

Entire Department Resigns Because Nobody Likes ThemThe community police state in Kimberling City, MO, suddenly collapsed in late August when the city’s entire gestapo resigned citing low pay, lack of support from citizenry, and a refusal of the city to commit to new language in their contract that...

Dems Tell Repugs To Be Thankful They're Only Taxing The Rich

Thursday, September 16, 2021

We Could Be Demanding To Eat The Rich, Says Deep State StrategistAs Democrats in office finally begin responding to their voters’ demand to dismantle 40 years of the Reagan legacy of a supply-side plantation-economy, enforced by a heavily-armed paramilitary community police state, Repugnicunts are...

Liberals Push To Change Flag Day To Honor LGBTQs

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Offer Cost Efficient Solution To Creating New Queer HolidayIn a move some MAGA supporters consider a slight to the legacy of their hero, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle, Queen Antifa (Liberal, America) has introduced legislation calling for an end to Flag Day,...

Richard Spencer's Hometown Changes Name To Gefiltefish

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Niggardly Nazi’s Dreams Of An Eternally White Christmas ShatteredBack in 2016, Richard Spencer seemed was rising star in Repugnicunt circles, touted by some as the next Ronald Reagan, rallying his fellow racist scumbags to his National Policy Institute, where he gave incendiary speeches trying to foment...

Ivermectin Overdose Patients Outnumber Accidental Gunshot Victims In Shit-Hole States

Saturday, September 4, 2021

This Is A Clear & Present Danger To Our Second Amendment RightsDoctors throughout regions of the U.S. predominantly populated by the uneducated and overtly religious are pleading with Turdwaffle supporters to stop taking ivermectin, a horse dewormer that has been flying off farm supply store shelves...

Florida Man Charged With Trying To Extort Florida Man

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Matt Gaetz Denies Ever Meeting His WifePun intended.

Ashli Boebert's Family Wants Congressional Medal Of Honor

Friday, August 27, 2021

“She Was An American Heroin,” Neighbors Tell Dissociative PressAshli Boebert, no relation to her sister from Colorado, congressturd Lorena, was shot & killed on January 6th while attempting to find and lynch members of Congress who were voting against America’s greatest presidential candidate since...

Mike Lindell To Sue Antifa For Cyber Symposium Sabotage

Saturday, August 21, 2021

“Antifa Attacked Me In The Elevator!” Mike Lindell Tells Personal Reporters
Sporting a half inch bruise on his chest, allegedly sustained when he was bludgeoned by swarm of index fingers of antifa terrorists disguised as an Eagle Scouts eating Girl Scout cookies, My Pillow CEO Mikey “He’ll Eat...

Taliban To Host Turdwaffle Reinstatement In Kabul On September 11, 2021

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

“It’s The Least I Can Do,” Says Abdul Ghani BaradarThe Taliban wasted no time Tuesday thanking President Trump & US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo for brokering last year’s peace agreement that saw the US release more than 5,000 imprisoned fighters in exchange for “not doing anything that would jeopardize...

Turdwaffle Incites Alt-White Supporters To Hunt Down Capitol Cop

Thursday, August 12, 2021

“Avenge Ashli Bobbitt!” Obese Former First Nazi ShoutsNot content with inciting one insurrection on his way to a well-deserved jail sentence or public stay in stocks, unindicted co-conspirator & all-around white-supremacist scumbag Donald J. Turdwaffle on Wednesday called on his well-armed uneducated...

I'm Old Enough To Remember When Our Free Press

Saturday, August 7, 2021

Had A Commitment To Something Other Than The Supply-Side Bottom LineNow they just whine & beg for money, like everyone else in the four estates that own our nation of miserable fucks. This is an article only available to subscribers of The Oregonadian, Oregasm’s paper of record. They seem to be complaining...

Trump To Pardon January 6th "Peaceful Loving Protestors"

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

"If It’s The First Thing I Do,” President In Exile PromisesWith his reinstatement as president less than 10 days away, Coup Master & all-around son of a bitch Donald J. Turdwaffle has been meeting with his shadow cabinet members and top secret joints chiefs of staff on how best to maintain order while correcting...

Turdwaffle Throws Self Under The Bus

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

“I’ve Never Heard Of The Guy,” Says Former GuyAttempting to further distance himself from his failed January 6th insurrection, Donald J. Trump went on Fox News today to call reports about his speech at the “Stop The Steal Rally” urging his supporters to liberate the Capitol from liberal socialist congresswomen...