If Nominated I Will Be Elected
Taking a page from the playbook of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & dildo expert witness, Donald J. Turdwaffle, radio czar Joe “Yes This Is My Own Head” Rogan has decided to run for president to prove that any asshole can get presidential immunity if he really works at it.
Rogan disputes the notion that he is only in it for the pardons, saying “Who needs a pardon for lying about COVID or calling a spade a spade these days? I speak for the Silent Majority who feels their American family values are being eroded by the woke mob who thinks that talking about things we prefer not to talk about is going to change anything.
“I didn’t come to this decision idly. I consulted with some of the smartest people on the Zoom, which is one great thing we have gotten from COVID that we all can agree on. The second is that when I am elected, I will give the first inaugural podcast in the history of our country, and I promise not to mention American carnage.
“To those who are on the fence about my candidacy, I ask for your vote and pose this simple question: Wouldn’t you better off today if you had voted for me in 2016? I don’t see how things could be much worse, which is why you should vote for me. Vote early and often. What have you got to lose?”