I Never Trusted Those Two
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and ambulatory portapotty Grabito Pussolini wasted no time responding to Thursday’s televised hearing on his failed January 6, 2021 insurrection, an event he termed the “most historic movement in human history.”
In a Truth Social display of typical Pussolini incoherence, the morbidly obese suspect took to his personal blog to lash out at reality and distance himself from the ongoing investigation into the Klassic Klown Koup that cemented his place in America’s Hall of Failed Policies of the Past.
The Hall of Failed Policies of the Past was built in a secret chamber beneath the White House during the early days of Old Rummy Reagan’s rebranding of our great Southern heritage as a supply-side plantation economy.
Reagan believed that God has chosen him and Nancy to lead our nation of miserable fucks out of the liberal wilderness that once kept our kleptocrats under control, occasionally limiting the irreparable harm they could do to the environment and domestic well-being, while promising the underclass Jesus said you couldn’t get rid of a path to living in a shiny all-white subdivision on a hill that wouldn’t burden them with education, healthcare, or having their votes counted, as was demonstrated in the 2000 presidential election where Republicans laid the foundation for today’s freedumbocracy through a lasting commitment to minority rule.
Also proven in the 40 years since Reagan’s incompetent, corrupt, and anti-democrat 8 year reign of error was that Al Gore’s metaphor about the frog dying in a pot of water slowly heated to boiling was as much about our evolution into a full-blown Nazi community police state as it was about the looming global extinction event made possible by the same supply-side plantation owners who have run this nation of miserable fucks since we called genocide “Manifest Destiny.”
Of course, none of that matters to 72 million Americans who voted a straight Nazi ticket in 2020. They have three mottos: “Make America Great Again!” “It may look like shit, smell like shit, and taste like shit, but at least I didn’t step in it,” and “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” They are also heavily armed.
So their fallen hero is free to incite further violence in a country with more than twice as many unsecured firearms as registered voters because, as Priss noted in Blade Runner, “We are stupid and we will die.”
In his usual barrage of vile hatred disguised as civil discourse, the (hopefully) soon-to-be-indicted failed führer complained that the committee refused to play “any of the many positive witnesses and statements” about his magnificent tenure, citing his collegial relations with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Mohammed bin Salman, Hot Rodrigo Duterte, and Jair Bolsonaro, “some of the strongest leaders in the great history of freedom.”
In one Truth, Pussolini appeared to blame the Capitol Riot on mouldering right-wing radio wingnut Rush Limbaugh.
Limbaugh, who died shortly after the violent throng of MAGA Dittoheads stormed the Capitol to prevent the orderly transfer of power after Americans overwhelmingly rejected the latest attempt to take over this country by offspring of the 976 breeding pairs rescued from Europe at the end of World War II, could not be reached for comment.
Nazis were imported after the war to create our current suburban culture based entirely on fast food and ephemeral services, but they have yet to convince every idiot in our nation of miserable fucks that the Holocaust “wasn’t really all that bad for most people.”
“The so-called ‘Rush on the Capitol’ was not caused by me,” Pussolini truthed, "it was caused by a Rigged and Stolen Election! If Rush was there, I didn’t talk with him.”
Editor’s note: Rush Limbaugh apparently died of shame on February 17, 2021, a little over a month after the failed coup, having botched an elaborate suicide attempt meant to commemorate the Valentine’s Day Massacre, involving being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn.
The addled autocrat saved his strongest venom for daughter Ivanka Trump and son-in-law Jared Kushner who served in unspecified roles in the Turdwaffle White House despite having no qualifications other than being part of the family.
“Ivanka Trump,” Pussolini Truthed, “was not involved in looking at, or studying, or looking for Election results, or knowing anything. She wasn’t even my daughter. Would I let one of my daughter’s marry a Jew?”
He went on to lump Ivanka in with dozens of other appointees and former allies he claims were incompetent losers and traitors the Democrats forced him to hire.
“They never wanted to help me make America great again,” Pussolini typed with one of his tiny fingers on a burner iPhone, “which is what the 150 million people who voted for me are still demanding. They’ve had enough of this liberal American Carnage. Sadly, Ivanka had long since checked out and was, in my opinion, only trying to get on the good side of Bill Barr and his position as Attorney General (he sucked!) to keep from going to jail for failing to report all those foreign gifts she took.
“Ivanka, if you’re listening, you can’t screw me and get away with it. Bill Barr isn’t the president. I am!”