He Who Has Seen Everything I Will Make Known

Monday, November 1, 2021

Roll On, Colombia, Volume 2, Chapter 37, Verse 40But with the swelling in our hearts, the spirit of America is stirring our loins to do even greater things than we already dream of, & which makes the liberals & antifa & the enemies of the people tremble and wet themselves like little babies. They act...

Inka Dinka Doo Was Diminished & Not Running As Before

Monday, November 1, 2021

All Things Like You Wouldn’t Believe Must Pass, Volume 2, Chapter 36, Verse 41And it’s probably the greatest movement in the history of our world, which is the only world there is, the only one that matters. It probably is, this movement, probably is. Call it whatever you want, make America great again,...

To Recap The Recapitulation

Monday, November 1, 2021

KuklaM*A*S*H Will Never Concede, Volume 2, Chapter 35, Verse 56Because in 2016, I told you what we were going to do, but it was just talk. You didn’t know you could trust me to do what I said. Nobody else had ever done what they said. They kept you down. There was so much talk. In the news. In the...

Son Of America First: The Sequel

Monday, November 1, 2021

Do The Math & If I Did Not Win Do It Again, Volume 2, Chapter 34, Verse 50My fellow Americans, our movement is far from over. We are nowhere near the horizon. 
In fact, our fight has only just begun or as they say: “Sir, we have just begun to fight.”
In the history of our country, there has...

All Perilous Journeys Must End

Monday, November 1, 2021

One Day You Can Tell Your Grandchildren You Helped Stop The Steal, Volume 2, Chapter 33, Verse 55Jeff Sessions. Remember Jeff Sessions, Mr. Magoo. What an embarrassment he was. I know, I know. It hurts to be embarrassed by one of our own. Squirrely Sessions. I thought we could trust him, but we learned.

A Triple-Stranded Rope Is Not Easily Rent Asunder

Monday, November 1, 2021

Our Great Heritage Is The Red Tie That Binds Us All, Volume 2, Chapter 33, Verse 25We are descended from the heroes and the patriots of old who liked Diet Coke instead of tea & didn’t like being told what to do, the pioneers and the legends who tamed the great wilderness & rid us of the savages who...

My Revelations Are Bigger Than Your Revelations

Monday, November 1, 2021

We Can Never Accept Things As They Are, So Long As We Know That Things Should Be Different, Volume 2, Chapter 32, Verse 18So to summarize things up in a summary of conclusion, our movement is up against some of the most sinister forces and entrenched special interests that anyone can even imagine,...

Those Who Dwell There Squat In Darkness

Monday, November 1, 2021

Don’t Moralize At Me, Volume 2, Chapter 31, Verse 39Who else can’t wait until I’m reinstated? I know. It’s unbelievable what they did. But we’re coming back. We beginning to make America great again, again. Are you with me?
With a Republican Congress, we will fight for more jobs for American families,...

Remember When Everyone Said Better Red Than Dead?

Monday, November 1, 2021

We Beat These Indians Once & We’ll Beat Them Again, Volume 2, Chapter 30, Verse 50As everybody knows, but the haters and losers refuse to acknowledge, I do not wear a ‘wig.’ My hair may not be perfect, but it’s mined. Someone tries to mess with my hair they’ll lose some fingers. I do not wear a rug....

What Is Sleepy Joe Hiden?

Monday, November 1, 2021

A Billion Here, A Billion There & Soon You’re Talking Big Money, Volume 2, Chapter 30, Verse 6One thing is certain, this would never, never, ever, ever be happening if I were still your president, and we should have been your president, & we really are. I still have a cabinet. I still have ambassadors...

How Can I Keep Silent? Why Must I Hold My Tongue?

Monday, November 1, 2021

I Was The Greatest Job President That God Ever Created, Volume 2, Chapter 29, Verse 22In just eight months, Sleepy Creepy Joe Biden, antifa, the lazy Blacks, sneaky socialists, and the radical Democrats are well on their way to turning America into a third-world shit-hole. That’s what’s happening....

Remember Back When They Said There Was Collussion?

Monday, November 1, 2021

Russia, Russia, Russia, That’s All They Still Talk About, Volume 2, Chapter 28, Verse 16Remember, they spied my campaign? Someone came to me, someone famous, a big guy, & he said “Sir, they’re spying on you.” They’re spying on me? Who’s spying on me. “The Democrats, sir. They are spying on my Russian...

Between Ashli Madison & Holden Cawthorn

Monday, November 1, 2021

Someone Is Trying To Destroy Western Civilization, Volume 2, Chapter 27, Verse 5Between the phony infrastructure bill and the budget proposal, their package would abolish the suburbs, totally abolish. Where would you find somewhere save to live. You can all fit at Mar A Lago. I’d love to have you....

Sorry, Losers. You Can't Outsmart My IQ

Monday, November 1, 2021

I’ll Be The Greatest Split-Term President Ever, Volume 2, Chapter 26, Verse 17We achieved American energy independence, and we turned America into the number one energy super power in the world. We were bigger than Saudi Arabia by a lot & then some. We were bigger than Russia even more by a lot. And...

The Beauty Of Me Is That I Am So Very Rich

Thursday, October 28, 2021

My Fingers Are Long & Beautiful, Just Like My You Know What, Volume 2, Chapter 25, Verse 03He attacked oil and gas workers here in America and caused gas prices to skyrocket through the atmosphere, yet now he is begging OPAC for more production to please send more energy our way to stop the climate...

At His Third Snort A Huge Pit Opened Up

Thursday, October 28, 2021

So Enkidu Prepared A Table For My Enemies, Volume 2, Chapter 22, Verse 50I made a lot of enemies by making America great again. I’ve made so many, it must be a record. Remember when Kim Jong-un insulted me by calling me old, when I would never call him a short, fat, communist? Oh well, I try so hard...

Inka Dinka Doo So Fine A Tune For Croonin'

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Sometimes We Must Sit In The Darkness To Bring Forth The Light, Volume 2, Chapter  21, Verse 45Under our administration, we’ve accomplished more in four short years than most presidents dream of accomplishing in eighty years, which is what the founding fathers thought great presidents should be allowed...

General Mills, A Democrat, May Have Been The Nation's First Cereal Killer

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Now With Added Sugar, Volume 2, Chapter 20, Verse 48It’s true. Why would I lie to you? When have I ever lied to you? I’ll tell you what’s true. It’s true he had some people up there really… I mean, there was scientists, no bean counters, they were political scientists and beyond, from all over, indelible...

Look, Up In The Sky, It's A Turd That Looks Like Superman!

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Even The Gods Cowered Like Dogs At What We Had Done, Volume 2, Chapter 20, Verse 20As a man who holds many records for many things in many different places, I appreciate a good record, not neccessarily clean, but good. Some people never set a single record in their entire lives. It’s not like they...

Kuklaml*A*S*H Saw The Secret & Pushed Himself To Exhaustion

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Never Let Them See You Schlepp, Volume 2, Chapter 19, Verse 35I know a thing or two about raising money, but this guy, Alabama GOP chair, this guy is amazing. You know what you raised tonight? A record in the history of the Republican party, going back to Abraham Lincoln.
And I think also in the...

Until The End Comes, Enjoy Your Lawyers

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Who Needs A God Of HellFire When You Have The King Of Debt? Volume 2, Chapter 18, Verse 51Speaking of great gentlemen, Chief Justice of Alabama Supreme Court, Colonel Tom Parker, he used to manage Elvis. Related to Sanders, who makes my chicken. Tom, thank you very much. Thank you, Tom.
A lot...

The Creature Touched Me & Feathers Covered My Arms

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Where Would We Be Without A Bunch Of Begats? Volume 2, Chapter 17, Verse 48Do you really think you’re the number one threat to national security? Well, that’s what they’re saying. You know who they are. You know where they live. You showed them on Jan 6 that you knew where they were working to steal...

This May Sound Corny But You're Making Me Horny

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Now I Know Why Your Motto Is Sweet Hole, Alabama, Volume 2, Chapter 17, Verse 11That was some answer, you gotta admit, but he’s a great coach. No one should be surprised. When you’re the coach, you get to say what you want. I said, “Tommy, that’s the coolest answer I’ve ever heard.” “Thank you sir.”...

All That's Missing Is A Couple Of Loaves To Go With The Mutating Fishes

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

You’ll Never Go Hungry With KuklaM*A*S*H, Volume 2, Chapter 16, Verse 17Wow. This crowd, see what this is? Nobody ever had crowds like these since Jesus. Goes hundreds of yards behind those fake cameras. Look at that. Man. Unbelievable. So beautiful. And Tommy, I love to see Tommy. I love Tommy. He’s...

Jesus Loves Us This We Know

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Great God Almighty Tells Us So, Volume 2, Chapter 15, Verse 2He has so much of the thing called common sense that brings us together to do great things like we saw on January 6 when millions of you told the Democrats you’re mad as hell & not gonna take it anymore, just like in the movies. Thank you...

Stop The Count; I Already Won

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Nobody Has Ever Been Treated More Badly Except Maybe For Adam, Volume 2, Chapter 13, Verse 20Thank you for being so great here tonight. Too bad a few bad apples have ruined our country for so many of us, in so many ways, I could, you know I could, but I won’t because you already know.
We have...

Remember When I Tested Positively Toward Negative?

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Since When Is 56% Not A Majority? Volume 2, Chapter 12, Verse 24So they couldn’t have done it without me, & they should reinstate me. It makes perfect sense. I make this country great. For you. Because of you. You think I’m kidding? I keep being positive, meaning I tested negative, which is just a...

The Scorpian Spoke To KuklaM*A*S*H

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Dense Is The Darkness & Light There Is None, Volume 2, Chapter 12, Verse 2So they steal my coat & tell me I just lost it, when I can see it, right in front of me, plain as day? Where in the Constitution does it say you can ride in on somebody’s coattails and steal his coat?
I was winning big on...

How Can I Concede From My Succession?

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

At 20 Leagues We Broke For Food, Volume 2, Chapter 11, Verse 33Speaking of questions nobody asks about, what about Hillary’s e-mails? Why no e-mails? It’s been six years, & yet we have still not seen those e-mails. And the servers. Don’t forget the servers. Everyone forgets the servers. They’re so...

KuklaM*A*S*H Is More Popular Than Ever

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Even Saddam Hussein Loved KuklaM*A*S*H, Volume 2, Chapter 11, Verse 9You know, Obama, the second time got millions fewer votes than he did the first time when people got tired of Kenya, he never proved he wasn’t, why could you never see the real certificate? so many different birth certificates just...

Nobody's Ever Had Better Numbers

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Who Knew Gil Gamesh Was Related To The King Of Nimrodia? Volume 2, Chapter 10, Verse 43The numbers speak for themselves. All you have to do is listen & you can hear them. We had them going into the election. We had them on election night, such a great night when they were only counting the legal votes, when...

What A Wild Relevation We Had

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

When Dieter Romimy Had His Duderectomy, Volume 2, Chapter 10, Verse 14And his estimate is very, very conservative, he considered it very conservative. He told me so. “I’m being very conservative here, sir.” And I believe he said he didn’t even go to the machines. He didn’t have to look at anything...

Hey Jews Don't Make It Bad Take A Bad Steal & Make It Better

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Jude Will Not Replace Us, Volume 2, Chapter 9, Verse 44Finally, a recent trend analysis of all 50 states based on population growth, voter history, shoe size, and voter registration data by one of the most respected people in the entire history of that industry, going back to Henry Ford inventing the...

He Who Sees All Is Wise Beyond The Law

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Who Can Doubt The Benevolent Rule Of Lawyers, Volume 2, Chapter 9, Verse 26Maricopa County has refused to comply with an official subpoena to provide images of the envelopes, which would prove whether they indeed counted ballots with no signatures at all. You got that?
They claim they have already...

That Life Which You Look For You Will Never Find

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Because The Democrats Will Always Steal It All Away, Volume 2, Chapter 9, Verse 8The Arizona auditors have also collected a sworn affidavit stating that county election workers abolished signature matching entirely. How can you have a fair election is you don’t bring in those suspected of voter fraud...

Why Are There Women In The Men's John?

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Is This What They Mean By Transubstantiation? Volume 2, Chapter 8, Verse 41In Arizona, 11,000 individuals are now listed as having voted who were not even on the rolls the day after the election. Were they ghosts? They weren’t listed on the rolls. But somehow they mailed in ballots. Who gave them stamps?

Without Me We Would Have Had A Real Plague Of Losquats

Monday, October 11, 2021

Everybody Thinks I Am Kidding But I Am Not, Volume 2, Chapter 8, Verse 26For example, in Nevada it was recently discovered that 15 out of the state’s 17 counties had more votes than voters in 2020. How do you do that without cheating? Usually you have more voters than votes. Democrats never vote, but...

They Keep Hoping Our Movement Will Peter Out

Monday, October 11, 2021

As Abraham Lincoln Always Said: We’re Still In It To Win It, Volume 2, Chapter 8, Verse 6In some states, you had a little thing going on, a little problem, more votes than voters. A little problem. Take a look at Detroit. You take a look. I been there. Don’t plan to go back.
“Sir, they have many...

Have You Got Georgia On Your Mind?

Monday, October 11, 2021

My Friend Jim Jordan Says We Won Georgia, Volume 2, Chapter 7, Verse 5
Earlier this month, it was revealed that in Georgia, ballots were rejected by machines and illegally altered by hand to remove marks for Trump and instead cast votes for Joe Biden. Jim Jordan found thousands of these ballots,...

Oh What A Tasteful Stew He Brews

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Did You Know Homer Simpson Was Named After A Great Writer? Volume 2, Chapter 7, Verse 20By the way, that’s 10 times more than I need to win, 20 times more.
It’s really not even believable what’s going on, but it’s going on anyway. Each and every one of us here tonight must do everything we can...

KuklaM*A*S*H Burnishes The Golden Turd

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Sometimes Even God Has His Fill Of Man, Volume 2, Chapter 6, Verse 58Remember Chinese President Ping? He’s now president for life. President for life. Idi Amin was president for life of Africa but he ran away to Libya when I came to power. But Chi Chi Ping, no, he’s great. President for life. And look,...

What's So Bad About A Little Titus & Asps?

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Who Here Hates All These Politically Correctives? Volume 2, Chapter 6, Verse 28As everyone here understands, the 2020 election, that presidential election which was such a great day. At 10:00 it was over. We had won big. Pennsylvania, Trump is winning by a lot. Arizona, Trump is winning by a lot. We...

Why Am I Suddenly Persona Au Gratin?

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

I Used To Be As Popular As Timothy Apple, Volume 2, Chapter 6, Verse 13But we’re seeing what happens when you have dishonest and rigged elections. This is what happens. You have these great ratings, the greatest ratings ever, a beautiful border wall, a travel ban, standing up to the Kung Flu hoax,...

When The Thessalonians Toured Mesoptamia

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Who Needs Generals When You’ve Got A Great Gut, Volume 2, Chapter 5, Verse 41
The Afghanistan thing is so simple to understand because, when people watch that, people that weren’t even into watching political things on the news, regular people like you who support me… But when people watch this,...

Even The Gods Cower Like Dogs At What They Have Done

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

We Caught Them In So Many Colossian Lies, Volume 2, Chapter 5, Verse 28This is a sick culture and our country is a disaster and it’s going to die before your very eyes if this craziness isn’t stopped in so many ways.
I don’t have a racist bone in my body, but the truth is we wouldn’t be talking...

Ever Been To The Philippians? They Have A Great Leader

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Don’t Moralize At Me, You Losers, Volume 2, Chapter 4, Verse 48“We have to get back to our country and running our country,” Mitch McConnell says, as if we hadn’t just had the greatest four years of running our country in all of history. Nobody had ever run the country the way I did. Ask anyone.

Once Upon A Time, In A Gaggle Of Galatians Far, Far Away

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

We Were Handed A Painted Turd, Volume 2, Chapter 04, Verse 15We dramatically reduced terrorist admissions from the shit hole states and kept rascally Islamic terrorists the hell out of our country. Is that okay? I mean, is that okay? Of course, it’s OK. It’s better than OK. It’s what makes America...

I Did More For The Blacks Than Kenya

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Who Tied Her Ethiopian Tubes? Volume 2, Chapter 3, Verse 55I took a lot of heat over that travel ban. People said, “That’s not nice.” 
They all like to call it a “Muslim ban.” It wasn’t a Muslim ban, it had nothing to do with cotton. Cotton never stopped. We love cotton.
It was a travel ban...

I Used To Run With The Corinthian Lords In Corona

Saturday, October 2, 2021

We Must Treasure The Dream Whatever The Terror, Volume 2, Chapter 3, Verse 39We were a tough crowd growing up. We were always American Dreamers, not Mexicans. We didn’t take no shit, and eventually I became the greatest president in history & my old friends joined me in the White House for burgers...

How Did The Romans Learn To Lend Their Ears?

Saturday, October 2, 2021

As For Man, His Days Are Numbered, Whatever He Might Doo While Breaking Wind, Volume 2, Chapter 3, Verse 2So, we lost it in the lower court. We lost it in the second court. The media and the liberals thought they had us boxed in, but they could stop us from making America great again, and then we won...

Peace Always Passeth For Understanding

Saturday, October 2, 2021

No One Ever Got Rich Through Acts Of Kindness, Volume 2, Chapter 2, Verse 49Don’t ever tell us we don’t understand. We understand. And we’ve understood very much in America First that immigration security is national security and national security requires a vigilant Space Force to keep an eye on the...

If I Had A Billion Dollars For Every Time I Went Bankrupt!

Saturday, October 2, 2021

I Still Would Have Invented The Space Force, Volume 2, Chapter 2, Verse 26So just like that they want to give them $4 billion that I could use much better somewhere else when I’m reinstated, to restore law & order, instead of all this socialist stuff. This will never be a socialist country as long...

Why Does Everybody Say The Stolen Election Is Baseless & Unproven?

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

That’s What I Said! The Election Was A Fraud, Volume 2, Chapter 2, Verse 2And then the other day I heard that Biden wants to give those countries $4 billion because he thinks that they’re going to spend the money on economic development. I wish somebody would give me $4 billion. I had to work for weeks...

Remember How To Use The Beautiful Force, Luke?"

Saturday, September 25, 2021

Who Said That By Believing You May Have Life In His Name? Volume 2, Chapter 1, Verse 33So like everything else, all problems come down to money.
“Yes. You’re not taking back people that came into our country illegally. You will not take them back.”
“Oh, there must be some understanding, sir....

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Saturday, September 25, 2021

Did You Know Marjorie’s Family Invented Margarine & Named It After Her? Volume 2, Chapter 1, Verse 20“Mr. President, you stopped many millions of dollars from coming into Hondo and Guacampala and Al Salvardo. We were counting on that money. You stopped it from coming in, Mr. President, is there something...

Mark My Words, This Is Gonna Be Great!

Saturday, September 25, 2021

There’s Good News Tonight, Volume 2, Chapter Nil, Verse 51So what do you think? I said, “Good. Stop payment immediately. No more money going to these countries. No more money going to these shit hole countries.”
I immediately stopped all of this 500 million, a little more than that, yeah, but...

Do You Miss Me Yet?

Friday, September 24, 2021

We Will Win! America First! Volume 2, Chapter Nil, Verse 34How many of you have already purchased our great Trump cards? Let’s see some hands? Really? There’s no way we can beat antifa and the thugs without more money. These cards will get you into my rallies at a discount. You can get big savings...

Even Mad Dog Mattis Turned Out To Be A Pussy

Friday, September 24, 2021

Sorry, Losers. My IQ Is The Highest & You All Know It, Volume 2, Chapter Nil, Verse 17When we fly in with an airplane, they put planes on the runway so we can’t land, so we have to come back. You can’t get there by car. They killed all the horses and ate them. The buses, they stopped. They blew up...

The Hole We're In Is Bigger Than Sumerian Parts

Friday, September 24, 2021

KuklaM*A*S*H Urges The World’s Greatest #FailArmy To Storm The Halls With Manson Jolly, Chapter 59, Verse 55And their countries didn’t want them, you know. You know that story. I’ve told that story. I tell it all the time. Nobody listens. Look at them. Not a single red light. So I have to tell it again.

KuklaM*A*S*H Says Its Wrong To Kish & Tell

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Malachi Has A Message For The Bad Hombres, Chapter 59, Verse 28Under my administration, we found the gang members, drug dealers, and various MS-13 killers and we kicked their… Do I really have to say it? You see those red lights going on. They’re just waiting to catch me in some gap. Why don’t they...

No One Calls Your Favorite President A Fucking Loser & Gets Away With It

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

KuklaM*A*S*H Has The Best Lawyers: Ishtar, Solomon, Hamm & Robbie, Chapter 59, Verse 10You have to fight for law & order or you won’t have a country. That’s what I said on January 6 & it still is true. The liberals & antifa think they can say whatever they want and walk around with all their teeth,...

Habakkkuk Fights To End Injustice & Suffering

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

So Haggai & Zechariah Killed Zephaniah Out Near Old Apache Wells, Chapter 58, Verse 47
ICE and the patrol borderers, tough guys, you don’t want to mess with these guys, I’m their boss & sometimes they scare me a little. “Sir. We work for you sir.” I know. “We follow orders, sir. What should we...

And KuklaM*A*S*H Did Say Unto Hobby Lobby

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Let My Craven Idol Hands Go Girl! Chapter 58, Verse 26I love a good fight. I used to promote fights before I became a politician. Can you believe I’m a politician? I can’t even. But fighting is in my blood. All my friends love a good fight, like you saw on January 6, fighting to preserve election integrity,...

You Will Suffer Consequences The Likes Of Which Few Throughout History Have Ever Suffered Before

Monday, September 20, 2021

Why Can’t We Use All Our Wonderful Nuclear Weapons? Chapter 57, Verse 58I have the best ideas. Remember when Gen. Frederick McDonald came this close to building a nuclear wall between the Korea and Vietnam? That was before Kimmy and me fell in love.
We’d been fighting so long, but then Kim couldn't...

Dumb! Bum! Thank You Nahum

Monday, September 20, 2021

Rub Some Nineveh Lotion On It, Chapter 57, Verse 36
Think of that. A lot of people don’t know what that means. You know what that means. Who doesn’t know what that means? Even Sleepy Joe knows what that means.
They are the toughest, meanest jails, the shit hole countries. They don’t have...

That's A Hell Of A Lot Of Salt

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Well, Don’t Look Back Now, Chapter 57, Verse 3Record numbers are getting away and historic numbers are coming from outside Mexico and Central America from every corner all around the globe, rapists, druggists, pizza guys looking for your daughters.
A lot of them coming in from the Middle East....

No Bull From Heaven Can Destroy KuklaM*A*S*H

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Micah Rode The Bull And More, Chapter 56, Verse 35I don’t know if he knew. How can anyone tell? Do people think this is a good thing, what happened? We were winning. I’d been complaining very strongly about the ballots. We beat those ballots in 2016 and they started screaming: "Russia! Russia!” It...

Call Me Jonah. Just Don't Call Me Portajohnny

Thursday, September 16, 2021

There Will Be A Great Confusion Of People With Those Above And Those From The Lower Depths, Chapter 56, Verse 8Now the radical left Democrats have surrendered our sovereignty to the wily coyotes and rapist drug cartels, child smugglers, human traffickers, and they usually traffic in women, and sometimes...

Come They Told Me To Vote For My Trump

Thursday, September 16, 2021

We’ll Make Things White Again By Voting For Trump, Chapter 55, Verse 44
And when people heard that… And they hear it, they’re genius, it’s genius. When people heard that and then they saw the results, because there wasn’t games, it wasn’t a hoax, it wasn’t fake news, it was happening. They never...

In America, We Live By The Rule Of Lawyers

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Somewhere, In All These Dusty Law Books, A Great Democracy Got Lost, Chapter 55, Verse 29Under the Trump administration our message was clear, if you try to come here illegally you will be caught, you will be detained and you will be immediately sent back home where God intended you to be.
Did...

The Cure For Electoral Dysfunction Is To Stay In Mexico

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Joel, Amos, and Obediah Went Into A Bar, Chapter 55, Verse 5Is nothing sacred? I worked so hard to make America great. I achieved a 90% reduction in illegal border crossings by the rapists, druglorn, and thuggery. Think of that. 90%. 90% was hard, but it was going to go much higher. We were going to...

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

No Way Hosea, Chapter 54, Verse 32
What the hell happened? We had a great “Stay in Mexico" policy. “You can’t come into our country, I’m sorry. Stay in Mexico.” “OK.” Great solution.
Biden ended it. He ended it. But you know what happened? Yesterday we won in court and a very wise judge said...

Late At Night Is When They Come Out

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

You Know What I’m Talking About, Chapter 53, Verse 49And I’m not just talking about Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Mexico. I’m talking about your Middle East. I’m talking about your Asia, Africa. Yemen, people are coming in from Yemen. How did they get there? Does anybody know? I read there’s a...

Daniel Perl Was A Gem Of Extraordinary Beauty

Monday, September 13, 2021

A Shame We  Have So Many Democrat Swine, Chapter 53, Verse 0Boy, I’d love you to hear that speech. It was a speech for the aged, the greatest speech ever. But nobody even recorded it because they were rigging the polls, getting ready to steal the election, so no one couldn’t spare a few people to record...

The Long Naked Descent Into Madness

Monday, September 13, 2021

Then That Kook Ezekial Sayeth Unto Me, Chapter 52, Verse 5“What’s wrong with the president?” The biggest story. I was so proud when I got down, I didn’t fall. It was like a skating rink out there, with no railing, on my own, except for the general, but I made it.
No sweat. I seen kids on skateboards...

The Bookie Lamentations

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Strange Things Have Been Broken, Chapter 51, Verse 14He’s the only guy that didn’t get covered falling, walking up the stairs. Why is that? The press didn’t cover it other than a couple internets covered it, I guess. Does that really count? You Tube. Right? Do you think they would have covered it if...

KuklaM*A*S*H Asks The Raging Heathens: Ever Seen A Case Of Mess Of Potato Mania?

Saturday, September 11, 2021

And The Lord Unleashed A Plague of Puns Upon Us, Chapter 50, Verse 37Do you remember the time I walked to the church through the valley of the shadow of death reading The Bible for guideposts? I always seek guideposts when there are bad decisions to fix. When I first became your favorite president,...

The Yellow Brick Road Leads To The Olive Garden Of Eden

Friday, September 10, 2021

Oh For Some Red Patent Leather Pumps To Go With This Autographed MAGA Cap, Chapter 50, Verse 3You think he’d be embarrassed, but no. He’d say, “It’s great to be in Idaho.”
“Sir, you’re in Iowa.”
“No need to sow division,” he’d say, as if he didn’t start it by stealing the election. How do...

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

Friday, September 10, 2021

How Can I Keep Silent, How Can I Rest? Chapter 48, Verse 56Only 30? I thought much more than that. He’s all… I really thought it was more. Much more.
We have some women. We always have some of the greatest women. The greatest, greatest women. Are you here tonight? North Carolina? Where are they?...

Jeremiah Sues Nehemiah Over Bullfrog Claim

Friday, September 10, 2021

The Dream Was Marvelous, But The Terror Was Great, Chapter 48, Verse 41Biden is the most pathetic president in American history going back to King George. A total disaster. And look, he makes Jimmy Carter look great, like Elvis or Liberace, am I wrong? Can you imagine being told you make Jimmy Carter...

No Mr. Moon! We Will Not Let You Go!

Thursday, September 9, 2021

A Billion Here, A Billion There, Chapter 47, Verse 39
“No, no, no. We will not pay.” They were driving this deal, but they forgot they were dealing with Donald Trump. Nobody deals like Donald Trump. I invented the deal. I made it an art form. 
I said, “Oh yes, you will. You will pay. We have...

The Wages Of Sin Is Debt

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Have I Got A Deal For You, Chapter 46, Verse 35So we’re protecting them. Why are we protecting all these deadbeats? And some of them were totally delinquent. They didn’t pay. And I said, “You got to pay. If you want to play, you got to pay.” 
They said, “Sir, what would happen if we didn’t pay?...

The Taliban Never Did Figure Out What Happens When God Smites You

Thursday, September 9, 2021

As God Told Isaiah: “You Can Run, But You’ll Just Die Anyway,” Chapter 45, Verse 22With me in office, the Taliban would not have ever dreamed of capturing our airfield and parading around with our American clothes with those long beards, our American weapons, or flying our Humphries. Did you see all...

Solomon Was No Soleimani

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Hey, Baby, You’re Stoking My Schlong, Chapter 44, Verse 37They should have talked to him and said, “Look, sir, Commander in Chief, sir, all you have to do is go to the beach. What’s so hard about going to the beach? Don’t make another mistake like you did with our great wall,” but you just couldn’t...

The Masks Of The Red Dread

Thursday, September 9, 2021

You Say Ecclesiastes, I Say He’s Just Nasty, Chapter 43, Verse 47Now Fauci wants you to wear 15 different masks at one time. How the hell are you supposed to breathe wearing 15 different masks? It’s like every variant needs a new mask. Who is making money off all these masks? I don’t know. Not me....

And On The Turd Day He Rose Again From His Debts

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Nobody Fools Donald Trump: Chapter 42, Verse 50Everything that we did was great, and then we developed a vaccine, three vaccines in three months, in nine months, a little more maybe. And actually, I’ll tell you, it was three days less, three days less than nine months, which ended up being more than...

When You've Got It, Flaunt It

Monday, September 6, 2021

Some Of Our Favorite Proverbs Are Adverbs, Chapter 41, Verse 49People say, “Oh, that’s a terrible thing to say.” I say, “Really, how many Chevrolets are in Beijing right now? Maybe none.” Okay. They won’t take our cars. They won’t take our farm products. They won’t take anything.
And I was hitting...

Because They're Mine, I Crossed The Line

Monday, September 6, 2021

It Could Have Been Worse Than Saddam and Menorah, Chapter 41, Verse 8And so I went to North Korea, went to South Korea, went across the line. We got along great. There was no nuclear catastrophe, but you got to be careful because he does not respect Joe Biden. And he does not respect any longer our...

I Had Them In The Psalms Of My Hands

Monday, September 6, 2021

Haters Got To Hate, Chapter 40, Verse 19They always hate it. Remember when I came in, Obama said, “The worst problem we have is North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.” I said, “What’s the problem?” He said, “I think you’re going to go to war with North Korea.” I said, “Have you ever called him?” “No.”
Actually,...

Out Of The Mouths Of Depraved Babes

Monday, September 6, 2021

When You Need A Job Done Right, Trust In Our Great God, Chapter 39, Verse 31So what did this little boy tell me? You’d be surprised.
“Sir, I’d leave the military in.” He was five. Only five, and he already knew more about the military than liberal babies 20 times his age.
He said, “I’d leave...

They Walked Right Into Kabul Like They Were Walking Onto A Yacht

Monday, September 6, 2021

I Heard They Killed Esther For Not Wearing Her Beserker, Chapter 38, Verse 33They walked in, they just walked in. They walked in and they took everything. It’s crazy. It’s crazy. I’ve never seen anything so stupid in my life, and I’ve lived so long that I have seen a lot of stupid stuff. And they started...

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Use Invisible Bombers

Monday, September 6, 2021

Inky Dinky Doo Is Surprised That COVID Killed Him, Chapter 37, Verse 37We’re much tougher than the liberals. Please remember that. It’s hard for them to understand that now, after watching this. Think of that, the soldiers have left. I could just see this, the leadership of the Taliban standing there,...

Was Nehemiah Really A Bullfrog?

Monday, September 6, 2021

He Seized The Bull Of Heaven By The Horns, Chapter 36, Verse 7Now we may be forced to go in. Or we may not be forced, but we may be forced to go in. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. It’s a dilemma. A real problem. What a disaster.
Because if you’re not prepared to go in, you’re never going to see those...

Then Ezra Spake

Monday, September 6, 2021

Disorder! Disorder! I Can’t Be Blamed For All This Damned Disorder, Chapter 35, Verse 5And you know why this is?
Not because the Taliban aren’t great fighters because they are great fighters. They have the best fighters, except for our fighters, which the Democrats won’t let us use the way the...

Remember When There Was Art In These Deals?

Monday, September 6, 2021

Seems Like We’re Always Between Iraq And Some Shit-Hole Country, Chapter 34, Verse 24Life is not as simple as to be or not to be. People say you have to fish or eat bait, which is why smart people cut deals, but it’s not easy when all of the choices are bad choices you make with bad hombres.
Do...

We Here Are All Half-Assed Comrades In Arms

Monday, September 6, 2021

Cherish The Fatherless Child Who Holds Your Hand, Chapter 33, verse 34Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. It’s always great to stand before such a great American crowd who appreciates a good story about going to Dover or Walter Reed. It’s hard work being your president.

Whither Has It Fled The Visionary Dream

Monday, September 6, 2021

Where Is It Now, O Emperor Of Ice Cream, Chapter 32, Verse 10You meet some of the most incredible people at the airport waiting for bags, but that was the saddest thing, seeing that at Dover, you go to Dover. When you’re president, they make you go to Dover. Nobody wants to go to Dover, but when you’re...

The Crosshairs Of Our Discontent

Monday, September 6, 2021

I Held Their Hands So They Wouldn’t Worry What These Hands Can Do, Chapter 31, Verse 6An American has to be pretty sad and desperate to hang from the landing gear. But when that cargo plane pulled up and that door opened, the general said, “Sir, when that door opens and you had the most beautiful young...

QAnon Shamhat Meets Inky Dinky Doo

Monday, September 6, 2021

Sodom Hussein Was No Match For KuklaM*A*S*H, Chapter 30, Verse 7We have greatest generals and we have greatest leaders and a great military that I rebuilt from scratch. I rebuilt it. It was exhausted. It didn’t even have bullets when I became your greatest leader and favorite president.
But I’d...

And With Shadrach We Begat The Begats

Monday, September 6, 2021

In The Chronicles Of Our Anals No One Has Ever Been A Bigger Asshole Than What’s His Name, Chapter 29, Verse 13So I’d be with the parents, talking about the excellent coffins we provided their heroes. I wanted to have food, but they said it was tacky. And I’ve told this story millions of times. The...

No Way, Jose. Bad Hombres Need Not Apply

Monday, September 6, 2021

Our Great Heritage Must Be Respected By All, Chapter 28, Verse 12I’m telling you we’re not going to do it. Fake news will not replace us. A lot of very fine people on both sides agree with me.
When they were starting to rip down our great statues and it started with people, confederate people,...

Big Trouble In Little Vagina

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Beaver Shorn, Chapter 27, Verse 26I got in a little trouble. I said that our women’s soccer team was supposed to easily win but they lost, because they went woke except for a few of them. I love those women that stood up when they saluted our flag, but there were some of them.

Speaking Of Kings, Whatever Happened To Billie Jean?

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Are Woke Women Why The World Has Gone To Shit? Chapter 26, Verse 34God loves you too. I love you, but the enemy of the people. Not them. You are the people.
So the liberal media defended Milley for being woke. They say woke is better than great. Can you believe it? Nothing is better than great....

KuklaM*A*S*H Ponders Using His Powers To Smite

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Martin Luther Wasn’t Even One Of The Ten Best Kings In History, Chapter 25, Verse 58So when I read that, what Milley said, I asked myself “What would a great president do in a situation like this?” It was a real situation. Everyone agrees it was a situation. That’s one thing about situations that everybody...

Then Samuel Had A Talk With Dog

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Rememberance of The Days Of Future Past, Chapter 25, Verse 24Remember…
Don’t you all remember?
Remember, when I walked to the church — how can anyone forget? — how proudly I walked to the church holding Little Stevie Guttenburg’s Bible up to protect me, I walked to the church that the protesters,...

Why Was He Son Of Sam & Not Son Of Samuel?

Saturday, September 4, 2021

These Are The Kinds Of Questions God Wonders About, Chapter 25, Verse 3You know there’s a lot I’ve been involved with. I’m always involved with a lot of things, occasionally good, usually great actually, but sometimes not so great, and this Middle East peace thing is one of the most embarrassing decisions...

The Old Fart Cuts A Deal

Saturday, September 4, 2021

It’s As If They Graduated From Turdwaffle University With Honors, Chapter 24, Verse 35Taliban, great negotiators, tough fighters, great negotiators, like our founding fathers, who negotiated our great country from the Indians for a bunch of trinkets and pocket change because of ambassador Manfred Destiny,...

The Night Watchman Passes Gas On His Way To The Promised Land

Friday, September 3, 2021

The Farts Of Ruthless Deals, Chapter 23, Verse 25We decimated ISIS. You remember ISIS. ISIS, we had a great, great success. We have great success with whatever we do. That’s how you make America great again. When I took over, ISIS was all over the place. They were like roaches. Turn on a light and...

How KuklaM*A*S*H Lacquered That Turd

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Biblical Cereal Killers Are The Worst Kind, Chapter 22, Verse 29Before you had Donald Trump there was only chaos. Law and order? Forget about it. Fairness for all? Not by a long shot. It was a disaster. A catastrophe. A complete and total disaster.
But under our leadership, America was respected...

We Hit Them With 59 Of Our Great Best Shots

Thursday, September 2, 2021

We Sure Made A Mesoptamia, Chapter 20, Verse 58But the 59 missiles were an incredible display under my great administration. Nobody saw it coming, which is the element of surprise, which one of the big elements that America had forgotten when the Democrats were in charge.
But once I fired those...

Like Shit Through An Hourglass

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Rinse & Repeat Until You Get It Right, Chapter 20, Verse 4So I repeated what I said, “Our great Space Force just shot 59 missiles in from a universe very very far, far away. Every one of them hit their target and not one innocent American was killed. No one in history has ever had such smart weapons...

Joshua Had No Weak Knees

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

How KuklaM*A*S*H Got Over His Hump, Chapter 19, Verse 12And this is what you get when you have weak knees in the White House. You can’t have weak knees in the White House. You don’t get nothing with weak knees. Weak knees is what leads to our downfall. They have to respect your President.
When...

How My Friend Was Turned To Clay

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Homina Homina Homina Humbaba, Chapter 18, Verse 28Think about all that equipment. That was some pricey stuff. The equipment that they’ve got is the most sophisticated military equipment in the history of the planet. Nobody has weapons like that except us, except now for the Taliban. Did they get any...

A Little Knowledge Of Good And Evil Goes A Long Way

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Dudes! It’s Deuteronomy From The Army Of The Dead! Chapter 16, Verse 11And it didn’t have to happen. All he had to do is leave the soldiers there until everything’s out, our citizens, our weapons, the good stuff.
Then you bomb the shit out of the bases. We have five bases. Piece of cake. You could...

A Plague Upon The Houses of Our Unholy Alliance

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

"I Ain’t Fooling. I’m Gonna Send You Back To Schooling,” Chapter 15, Verse 35Biden failed totally on the epidermics. We had Operation Warp Speed already finished, but he messed it up. And he’s now overseeing the greatest foreign policy humiliation in the history of the United States of America, and...

Sodomizing Gamera With Our Military Prowess

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

No One Can Beat Our Meat, Chapter 15, Verse 19We rebuilt our military stronger, bigger, better than ever before in all of history. It was great again. Nobody had a bigger military than ours. Our military was so big and strong that no one would mess with it. 
Together we made America great again....

The New Green Garden Of Getting Even

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Never Trust A Woman With Knowledge, Chapter 14, Verse 43And what is this glide path? I asked Ivanka, you know Ivanka deserves a Nobel Prize for all the hard work she did for Operation Warp Speed and getting the vaccine in record time, faster than any vaccine in history, even faster than Marie Pasteur...

Is There Really Safety In Numbers?

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Going From Baghdad To Worse, Chapter 13, Verse 59Not only have my predilections come 100% true, but it’s even worse than any of us could have imagined in our worst nightmares which we never had while I was leading the world, not just the free parts but the bad parts too. I led some of the baddest parts,...

Oh My Darling Clementine Goes All Ecclesiastes On His Ass

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

The Lord’s Single Payer, Chapter 15, Verse 35And I saw the other day before this whole thing with Afghanistan started, after the Muslims were dancing in New Jersey…
Because right now nobody’s talking even about energy…
Even about the horrible border condition that they’re allowing millions...

The Guardian Of Barbara Eden

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Enkidu Gains Knowledge Of Shamhat, Chapter 12, Verse 51But as I said in the beginning, Biden has emboldened America’s enemies not to send their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending your friends. They’re not sending their overachievers. They’re sending people that have lots of problems,...

Leviticus Meets Enkidu

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

KuklaM*A*S*H Gets Wonderful Marks in Chapter 12, Verse 14We said Antifa Joe would impose crippling shutdowns and restrictions on in-person training for our great future work force and that these painful policies would nonetheless fail to stop the Chinese coronavirus hoax.
He didn’t stop the hoax....

Exodus

Monday, August 30, 2021

Inky Dinky Doo Chapter 11, Verse 12One year ago this month, in my denomination acceptance speech, which you remember. A lot of you were there. Where’s my African American? Wherer’s my LGBTQ? I see a lot of you that were there. I warned the entire country of the disastrous consequences of a Biden presidency...

The Begats

Monday, August 30, 2021

A New Daze Dawning, Chapter 9, Verse 47
But I’m with thousands of proud, hardworking, incredible American patriots. With your help, we’re going to elect our friend, Mo Brooks, to the U.S. Senate. We’re going to fire Larry Pelosi, Curly Schumer, Shemp Biden, and the radical left. And we’re going...

In The Beginning Was The Turd

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Genesis, Chapter 8, Verse 53
Thank you. Thank you. Wow, this is a big crowd. I’ll tell you. This goes all the way back. I wish they’d show it because they just don’t do that. They don’t like… Wow! This goes all the way back. I just looked at it on television, but it’s our television. We show it,...