In America, We Live By The Rule Of Lawyers

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Somewhere, In All These Dusty Law Books, A Great Democracy Got Lost, Chapter 55, Verse 29Under the Trump administration our message was clear, if you try to come here illegally you will be caught, you will be detained and you will be immediately sent back home where God intended you to be.
Did...

The Cure For Electoral Dysfunction Is Stay In Mexico

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Joel, Amos, and Obadiah Went Into A Bar, Chapter 55, Verse 5Is nothing sacred? I worked so hard to make America great. I achieved a 90% reduction in illegal border crossings by the rapists, druglorns, and thugs. Think of that. 90%. 90% was hard, but it was going to go much higher. We were going to...

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

No Way Hosea, Chapter 54 Verse 32
What the hell happened? We had a great Stay in Mexico policy. “You can’t come into our country, I’m sorry. Stay in Mexico.” “OK.” A great solution.
Biden ended it. He ended it. But you know what happened? Yesterday we won in court and a very wise judge said...

Late At Night Is When They Come Out

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

You Know What I’m Talking About, Chapter 53, Verse 49And I’m not just talking about Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Mexico. I’m talking about your Middle East. I’m talking about your Asia, Africa. Yemen, people are coming in from Yemen. How did that get there? Does anybody know?
I asked the...

Daniel Perl Was A Gem Of Extraordinary Beauty

Monday, September 13, 2021

A Shame We  Have So Many Democrat Swine, Chapter 53, Verse 0Boy, I’d love you to hear that speech. It was a speech for the aged, the greatest speech ever. But nobody even recorded it because they were busy rigging the polls, getting ready to steal the election.
I called up the First Lady. I said,...

The Long Naked Descent Into Madness

Monday, September 13, 2021

Then That Kook Ezekial Sayeth Unto Me, Chapter 52, Verse 5
“What’s wrong with the president?” The biggest story. I was so proud when I got down, I didn’t fall. It was like a skating rink out there, but I made it. No sweat. I’ve seen kids fall on slopes not near that steep or slickery. It was one...

The Bookie Lamentations

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Strange Things Have Been Broken, Chapter 51, Verse 14He’s the only guy that didn’t get covered falling, walking up the stairs. Why is that? The press didn’t cover it other than a couple internet covered it, I guess. You Tube. Right? Do you think they would have covered it if I fell up the stairs to...

KuklaM*A*S*H Asks The Raging Heathens: Ever Seen A Case Of Mess Of Potato Mania?

Saturday, September 11, 2021

And The Lord Unleashed A Plague of Puns Upon Us, Chapter 50, Verse 37Do you remember the time I walked to the church through the valley of the shadow of death reading The Bible for guideposts? I always seek guideposts when there are bad decisions to fix. When I first became your favorite president,...

The Yellow Brick Road Leads To The Olive Garden Of Eden

Friday, September 10, 2021

Oh For Some Red Patent Leather Pumps To Go With This Autographed MAGA Cap, Chapter 50, Verse 3You think he’d be embarrassed, but no. He’d say, “It’s great to be an Idaho.”
“Sir, you’re in Iowa.”
“No need to sow division,” he’d say, as if he didn’t start it by stealing the election. How do...

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

Friday, September 10, 2021

How Can I Keep Silent, How Can I Rest? Chapter 48, Verse 56Only 30? I thought much more than that. He’s all… I really thought it was more. Much more.
We have some women. We always have some of the greatest women. Greatest women. Are you here tonight? North Carolina? Where are they? Where are they?...

Jeremiah Sues Nehemiah Over Bullfrog Claim

Friday, September 10, 2021

The Dream Was Marvelous, But The Terror Was Great, Chapter 48, Verse 41Biden is the most pathetic president in American history going back to King George. A total disaster. And look, he makes Jimmy Carter look great, like Elvis or Liberace, am I wrong? Can you imagine being told you make Jimmy Carter...

No Mr. Moon! We Will Not Let You Go!

Thursday, September 9, 2021

A Billion Here, A Billion There, Chapter 47, Verse 39
“No, no, no. We will not pay.” They were driving this deal, but they fogot they were dealing with Donald Trump. Nobody deals like Donald Trump. I invented the deal.
I said, “Oh yes, you will. You will pay. We have 32,000 soldiers in South...

The Wages Of Sin Is Debt

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Have I Got A Deal For You, Chapter 46, Verse 35So we’re protecting them. Why are we protecting all these deadbeats? And some of them were totally delinquent. They didn’t pay. And I said, “You got to pay. If you want to play, you got to pay.” 
They said, “Sir, what would happen if we didn’t pay?...

The Taliban Never Did Figure Out What Happens When God Smites You

Thursday, September 9, 2021

As God Told Isaiah: “You Can Run, But You’ll Just Die Anyway,” Chapter 45, Verse 22With me in office, the Taliban would not have ever dreamt of capturing our airfield or parading around with our American clothes, our American weapons, or flying our Humphries. Did you see all those guns they have? It’s...

Solomon Was No Soleimani

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Hey, Baby, They’re Playing With Our Schlong, Chapter 44, Verse 37They should have talked to him and said, “Look, sir, Commander in Chief, sir, all you have to do is go to the beach. What’s so hard about going to the beach? Don’t make another mistake like you did with our great wall,” but you just couldn’t...

The Masks Of The Red Dread

Thursday, September 9, 2021

You Say Ecclesiastes, I Say He’s Just Nasty, Chapter 43, Verse 47Now he wants you to wear 15 different masks at one time. How the hell are you supposed to breathe wearing 15 different masks? It’s like every variant needs a new mask. Who is making money off all these masks? I don’t know. Not me.

And On The Turd Day He Rose Again From His Debts

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Nobody Fools Donald Trump: Chapter 42, Verse 50Everything that we did was great, and then we developed a vaccine, three vaccines in three months, in nine months. And actually, I’ll tell you, it was three days less, three days less than nine months, which ended up being more than three months, but that...

When You've Got It, Flaunt It

Monday, September 6, 2021

Some Of Our Favorite Proverbs Are Adverbs, Chapter 41, Verse 49
People say, “Oh, that’s a terrible thing to say.” I say, “Really, how many Chevrolets are in Beijing right now? Maybe none.” Okay. They won’t take our cars. They won’t take our farm products. They won’t take anything.
And I was...

Because They're Mine, I Crossed The Line

Monday, September 6, 2021

It Could Have Been Worse Than Saddam and Menorah, Chapter 41, Verse 8And I went to North Korea, went to South Korea, went across the line. We got along great. There was no nuclear catastrophe, but you got to be careful because he does not respect Joe Biden. And he does not respect any longer our great...

I Had Them In The Psalms Of My Hands

Monday, September 6, 2021

Haters Got To Hate, Chapter 40, Verse 19They always hate it. Remember when I came in, Obama said, “The worst problem we have is North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.” I said, “What’s the problem?” He said, “I think you’re going to go to war with North Korea.” I said, “Have you ever called him?” “No.”
Actually,...

Out Of The Mouths Of Depraved Babes

Monday, September 6, 2021

When You Need A Job Done Right, Trust In Our Great God, Chapter 39, Verse 31
So what did this little boy tell me? You’d be surprised.
“Sir, I’d leave the military in.” He was five. Only five, and he already knew more about the military than liberal babies 20 times his age.
He said, “I’d...

They Walked Right Into Kabul Like They Were Walking Onto A Yacht

Monday, September 6, 2021

I Heard They Killed Esther For Not Wearing Her Beserker, Chapter 38, Verse 33
They walked in, they just walked in. They walked in and they took everything. It’s crazy. It’s crazy. I’ve never seen anything so stupid in my life, and I’ve lived so long that I have seen a lot of stupid stuff. And...

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Use Invisible Bombers

Monday, September 6, 2021

Inky Dinky Doo Is Surprised That COVID Killed Him, Chapter 37, Verse 37We’re much tougher than the liberals. Please remember that. It’s hard for them to understand that now, after watching this. Think of that, the soldiers have left. I could just see this, the leadership of the Taliban standing there,...

Was Nehemiah Really A Bullfrog?

Monday, September 6, 2021

He Seized The Bull Of Heaven By The Horns, Chapter 36, Verse 7Now we may be forced to go in. Or we may not be forced, but we may be forced to go in. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. What a disaster.
Because if you’re not prepared to go in, you’re never going to see those 45,000 heroes again. That I...

Then Ezra Spake:

Monday, September 6, 2021

Disorder! Disorder! I Can’t Be Blamed For All This Damned Disorder, Chapter 35, Verse 5And you know why this is?
Not because the Taliban aren’t great fighters because they are great fighters. They have the best fighters, except for our fighters, which the Democrats won’t let us use the way the...

Remember When There Was Art In These Deals?

Monday, September 6, 2021

Seems Like We’re Always Between Iraq And Some Shit-Hole Country, Chapter 34, Verse 24Life is not as simple as to be or not to be. People say you have to fish or eat bait, which is why smart people cut deals, but it’s not easy when all of the choices are bad choices you make with bad hombres.
Do...

We Here Are All Half-Assed Comrades In Arms

Monday, September 6, 2021

Cherish The Fatherless Child Who Holds Your Hand, Chapter 33, verse 34
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. It’s always great to stand before such a great American crowd who appreciates a good story about going to Dover or Walter Reed.
So we had a deal where we...

Whither Has It Fled The Visionary Dream

Monday, September 6, 2021

Where Is It Now, O Emperor Of Ice Cream, Chapter 32, Verse 10
You meet some of the most incredible people at the airport waiting for bags, but that was the saddest thing, seeing that at Dover, you go to Dover. When you’re president, they make you go to Dover. Nobody wants to go to Dover, but when...

The Crosshairs Of Our Discontent

Monday, September 6, 2021

I Held Their Hands So They Wouldn’t Worry What These Hands Can Do, Chapter 31, Verse 6An American has to be pretty sad and desperate to hang from the landing gear. But when that cargo plane pulled up and that door opened, the general said, “Sir, when that door opens and you had the most beautiful young...

QAnon Shamhat Meets Inky Dinky Doo

Monday, September 6, 2021

Sodom Hussein Was No Match For KuklaM*A*S*H, Chapter 30, Verse 7We have greatest generals and we have greatest leaders and a great military that I rebuilt from scratch. I rebuilt it. It was exhausted. It didn’t even have bullets when I became your greatest leaders and favorite president. But I’d say...

And With Shadrach We Begat The Begats

Monday, September 6, 2021

In The Chronicles Of Our Anals No One Has Ever Been A Bigger Asshole Than What’s His Name, Chapter 29, Verse 13
So I’d be with the parents, talking about the excellent coffins we provided their heroes. And I’ve told this story millions of times. The parents would sometimes be unbelievable, you...

No Way, Jose. Bad Hombres Need Not Apply

Monday, September 6, 2021

Our Great Heritage Must Be Respected By All, Chapter 28, Verse 12I’m telling you we’re not going to do it. Fake news will not replace us. When they were starting to rip down our great statues and it started with people, confederate people, generals, even Manfred Destiny, some respected, some not, but...

Big Trouble In Little Vagina

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Hell Hath No Fury, Chapter 27, Verse 26I got a little trouble. I said that our women’s soccer team was supposed to easily win, but they went woke except for a few of them. I love those women that stood up and they saluted our flag, there were some of them.
But the one with the purple hair, she...

Speaking Of Kings, Whatever Happened To Billie Jean?

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Are Woke Women Why The World Has Gone To Shit? Chapter 26, Verse 34God loves you too. I love you, but the enemy of the people. You are the people.
So the liberal media defended Milley for being woke. They say woke is better than great. Can you believe it? Nothing is better than great. That’s in...

KuklaMASH Ponders Using His Powers To Smite

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Martin Luther Wasn’t Even One Of The Ten Best Kings In History, Chapter 25, Verse 58So when I read that, what Milley said, I asked myself “What would a great president do in a situation like this?” It was a real situation. Everyone agrees it was a situation. That’s one thing about situations that everybody...

Then Samuel Had A talk With Dog

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Rememberance of The Days Of Future Past, Chapter 25, Verse 24Remember, don’t you all remember? Remember, when I walked to the church — how can anyone forget? — how proudly I walked to the church holding Steve Guttenburg’s Bible up to protect me, I walked to the church that the protesters, they tried...

Why Was He Son Of Sam, Not Son Of Samuel?

Saturday, September 4, 2021

These Are The Kinds Of Questions God Wonders About, Chapter 25, Verse 3You know there’s a lot I’ve been involved with. I’m always involved with a lot of things, occasionally good, usually great actually, but sometimes not so great, and this Middle East peace thing is one of the most embarrassing decisions...

The Old Fart Cuts A Deal

Saturday, September 4, 2021

It’s As If They Graduated From Turdwaffle University With Honors, Chapter 24, Verse 35Taliban, great negotiators, tough fighters, great negotiators, like our founding fathers, who negotiated our great country from the Indians for some trinkets and pocket change because of ambassador Manfred Destiny,...

The Night Watchman Passes Gas

Friday, September 3, 2021

The Farts Of Ruthless Deals, Chapter 23, Verse 25We decimated ISIS. You remember ISIS. ISIS, we had a great, great success. We have great success with whatever we do. That’s how you make America great again. When I took over, ISIS was all over the place. They were like roaches. Turn on a light and...

How KuklaM*A*S*H Lacquered That Turd

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Biblical Cereal Killers Are The Worst Kind, Chapter 22, Verse 29Before you had Donald Trump there was only chaos. Law and order? Forget about it. Fairness for all? Not by a long shot. It was a disaster. A disaster. But under our leadership, America was respected again. Our people did a great job. I’ve...

We Hit Them With 59 Of Our Great Best Shots

Thursday, September 2, 2021

We Sure Made A Mesoptamia, Chapter 20, Verse 58But the 59 missiles were an incredible display under my great administration. Nobody saw it coming, which is the element of surprise, which one of the big elements that America had forgotten when the Democrats were in charge. But once I fired those 59...

Like Shit Through An Hourglass

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Rinse & Repeat Until You Get It Right, Chapter 20, Verse 4So I repeated what I said, “Our great Space Force just shot 59 missiles in from a universe very very far, far away. Every one of them hit their target and not one innocent American was killed. No one in history has ever had such smart weapons...

Joshua Had No Weak Knees

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

How KuklaM*A*S*H Got Over His Hump, Chapter 19, Verse 12And this is what you get when you have weak knees in the White House. You can’t have weak knees in the White House. You don’t get nothing with weak knees. Weak knees is what leads to our downfall. They have to respect your President.
When...

How My Friend Was Turned To Clay

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Homina Homina Homina Humbaba, Chapter 18, Verse 28Think about all that equipment. That’s some pricey stuff. The equipment that they’ve got is the most sophisticated military equipment in the history of the planet. Nobody has weapons like that except us, except now for the Taliban. Did they get any...

A Little Knowledge Of Good And Evil Goes A Long Way

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Dudes! It’s Deuteronomy From The Army Of The Dead! Chapter 16, Verse 11And it didn’t have to happen. All he had to do is leave the soldiers there until everything’s out our citizens, our weapons, then you bomb the hell out of the bases. We have five bases. You kill all the terrorists and their families...

A Plague Upon The Houses of The Unholy Alliance

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

"I Ain’t Fooling. I’m Gonna Send You Back To Schooling,” Chapter 15, Verse 35Biden failed totally on the epidermals. We had Operation Warp Speed already finished, but he messed it up. And he’s now overseeing the greatest foreign policy humiliation in the history of the United States of America, and...

Sodomizing Gamera With Our Military Prowess

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

No One Can Beat Our Meat, Chapter 15, Verse 19We rebuilt our military stronger, bigger, better than ever before. It was great again. Together we made America great again. And now I see it being dissipated and being given… Our military is being given to the enemy by some very bad hombres.

The New Green Garden Of Getting Even

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Never Trust A Woman With Knowledge, Chapter 14, Verse 43And what is this glide path? I asked Ivanka, you know Ivanka deserves a Nobel Prize for all the hard work she did for Operation Warp Speed and getting the vaccine in record time, faster than any vaccine in history, even faster than Marie Pasteur...

Is There Really Safety In Numbers?

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Going From Baghdad To Worse, Chapter 13, Verse 59Not only have my predilections come 100% true, but it’s even worse than any of us could have imagined in our worst nightmares which we never had while I was leading the world. Nobody thought this kind of thing could happen. Things like this only happen...

Oh My Darling Clementine Goes All Ecclesiastes On His Ass

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

The Lord’s Single Payer Chapter 15, Verse 35And I saw the other day before this whole thing with Afghanistan started, after the Muslims were dancing in New Jersey… Because right now nobody’s talking even about energy, even about the horrible border condition that they’re allowing millions of people...

The Guardian Of Barbara Eden

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Enkidu Gains Knowledge Of Shamhat, Chapter 12, Verse 51But as I said in the beginning, Biden has emboldened America’s enemies not to send their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending your friends. They’re sending peole that have lots of problems, & they’re bring those problems with them...

Leviticus Meets Enkidu

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

KuklaM*A*S*H Gets Wonderful Marks in Chapter 12, Verse 14We said Antifa Joe would impose crippling shutdowns and restrictions on in-person schooling and that these painful policies would nonetheless fail to stop the Chinese coronavirus hoax. He didn’t stop the hoax. The hoax is stronger than ever....

Exodus

Monday, August 30, 2021

Inky Dinky Doo Chapter 11, Verse 12One year ago this month, in my denomination acceptance speech, which you remember. A lot of you were there. I see a lot of you that were there. I warned the entire country of the disastrous consequences of a Biden presidency to our lord’s right. I understood it. A...

The Begats

Monday, August 30, 2021

A New Daze Dawning, Chapter 9: Verse 47
But I’m with thousands of proud, hardworking, incredible American patriots. With your help, we’re going to elect our friend, Mo Brooks, to the U.S. Senate. We’re going to fire Larry Pelosi, Curly Schumer, Shemp Biden, and the radical left. And we’re going...

In The Beginning Was The Turd

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Genesis, Chapter 8, Verse 53
Thank you. Thank you. Wow, this is a big crowd. I’ll tell you. This goes all the way back. I wish they’d show it because they just don’t do that. They don’t like… This goes all the way back. I just looked at it on television, but it’s our television. We show it, but...