The Terror Channel
Recount suspended; James Baker says Rule of Law has prevailed
By Phineas Thomas Barnum
Pataphysical Malapropism Service
UNITED NATIONS (PMS) - A U.S.-backed resolution for war in Iraq passed without opposition early this morning when former U.S. Secretary of State James Baker announced that previously undetected ectoplasm was found to be in complete agreement with a resolution jointly offered by the U.S. and Britain. “An agreement, and the right one I might add, has finally been reached,” Baker told a startled janitor in the empty chambers, “and now the President of the New World Order can finally get down to business and decide whether or not to exercise the complete freedom to act militarily to disarm the Evil Ones as authorized by this morning's unanimous support for American foreign policy.”
Baker's words were drowned out by the roar of B-52s heading for South America to bomb suspected al Qaeda safe houses in Colombia.
With hundreds of thousands of unemployed troops & mercenaries chomping at their bits in the Persian Gulf, the White House was forced to resort to little known parliamentary procedures to pass the resolution it filed three weeks ago. At shortly after midnight, the Security Council was called into emergency session with only members of the U.S. and British delegations absent. The doors were promptly closed and the sealed with plastic and duct tape while a powerful fumigant was piped into the chambers. Within minutes, the council fell silent. Fifteen minutes later, a clean-up crew headed by Baker was sent in to tally the votes.
An unidentified apologist for the parliamentary maneuver claimed it was the only way to get U.N. approval for military action that was required to bill member states for the upcoming accidental assassination of Saddam Hussein and unintentional permanent occupation of Iraq. Without the procedural move, the official said, the resolution would have probably been defeated by a 12 to 3 vote, “and, let me put it this way, we just couldn't allow that kind of disrespect for the rule of law,” he added.
The White House has ordered the Office of Vaterland Sekurity to be on Burnt Sienna alert over the weekend to quell predicted attacks by foreign agitators disguised as domestic peace protestors. The administration has estimated that as many as 5 million communists and other terrorists have taken part in recent protests in Washington, D.C., New York, and San Francisco alone.
President Bush and his current drinking buddies, British Prime Minister Tony “Bush’s Bitch” Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria “Hum Job” Aznar, are to meet at Camp David at an emergency summit this weekend to discuss how best to combat the growing terrorist threat by employing preemptive strikes on several known pockets of evil resistance starting with Madrid, London, Portland (aka Little Beirut) and Seattle. The summit will be held in a newly constructed bunker in a fresh effort to work out strategies for dividing up what is left of the world should current policies fail to achieve the desired result.