Pirate Dan Crenshaw tells 10-Year-Old To Walk The Plank

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

No One Questions The Religion Of A War Hero, Says Schmuck IdolatorIn Houston for a Teabagger Convention on Monday, Rep Pirate Dan Crenshaw (R-Word, TX) took time from whatever he does for a living to scold a 10-year-old girl who asked him why he suggested Jesus was not a real hero, like Superman, during...

Glenn Youngkin Attempts To Ban History On Day One As Virginia Governor

Sunday, January 16, 2022

No One Has Been More Critical Of Race Than Me, Nimrod SaysOn his first day in office, Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R-Word, VA) accidentally banned old television sets & computer monitors when he signed an executive order banning CRTs throughout the state.
Law enforcement officials are scrambling to develop...

As The #CountdownTo900Thousand Draws To A Close

Friday, January 14, 2022

Now this Is What We Pataphysicians Call Flattering The Curve!I told you guys we could do it! No self-inflicted catastrophe is beyond the reach of our nation of miserable fucks.

When we set our minds to it, we can swear that the shit we are currently feasting upon is the greatest shit anyone...

One Thing I Can Still Appreciate Is Truth In Advertising

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

As In 'Horse Kicks Tree, Farts On Dogs Then Runs Away.'Seriously.

I’m not kidding around.

Why Are Millions Of Americans Quitting Their Jobs For Good?

Monday, January 10, 2022

Maybe They Want To Spend Our Final Years On A Habitable Earth Laughing Their Asses OffAs W. S. Burrough’s often said: “Wouldn’t you?”

DeSantis Blames COVID Test Supply Expiration On Poor Consumer Demand

Saturday, January 8, 2022

It’s Not My Fault People Listened To CDC Guidance“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Repugnicunt Gov. DeSantis told a sparsely attended press conference at SeaWorld Friday, as news broke that Florida had allowed more than a million rapid tests in short supply  to expire in a refrigerated warehouse crammed...

Donald Trump's Fiercest Critics Now Agree With His COVID Fighting Strategy

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

And No I Am Not Making That Newsweek Headline UpSee for yourself:

I can remember when Newsweek was the official liberal newsweekly before they embraced our supply-side plantation economy & love of freedumbocracy.
I was curious about who these fiercest critics were & what COVID fighting...

Capitol Rioter Compares Attacks On Her To Treatment Of 'Jews In Germany'

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Says Benjamin Netanyahu Invited Her To Israel To Handle West Bank Settlement SalesJenna Ryan, the Texas insurrectionist surreal-estate salesman who flew on a private jet last January to join other right-wing nutjobs in a failed attempt to overturn the free and fair election of Joe Biden, is now trying...

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro Hospitalized With Intestinal Obstruction

Monday, January 3, 2022

Team Of Crack Spelunkers Called In To Search For Leader’s Brain ContainerOne of the world’s remaining amateur Turdwaffle impersonators still clinging to power in the Western hemisphere was listed in critical but stable condition this morning after an expedition was launched to remove the head of Brazil’s...

Turdwaffle To Celebrate Be Best Patriot's Day On January 6

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Promises To Make Day A National Holiday As Soon As He’s ReinstatedA surprisingly diverse platoon of spokesapologists for the GOP today expressed concern over former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator & failed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle’s recent announcement that he will hold a news...

Marjoe Faylure Greengoblin Wants A Divorce From Woke Americans

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Demands Custody Of All Non-Nazi Votes And Spousal Support From Deadbeat LiberalsDingbat Georgia representative Marjoe Faylure Greengoblin is tired of liberals and brainwashed blue staters trying to confuse the voters of her district with facts and figures “that don’t change nothing where I come from”...

Are All Jareds Schmucks?

Monday, December 27, 2021

Asking For An Oregon Jared Named SchmeckIf this were a tweet, that’s it.

My Christmas Gift From Ted Steven's InterWeb

Sunday, December 26, 2021

Was Discovering CocorosieAnd I wouldn’t have made that discovery if not for Netflix, where I was watching The Gift, my favorite Turkish daffy taffy, where one episode ended with an excerpt from this song, an oddly pataphysical tribute to Jean Genet…
I had no idea that they record Lemonade before...

Fox Blasts 'Don't Look Up' As Thinly Veiled Climate Change Propaganda

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Do Liberals Hate Good Paying Jobs? “Does anyone buy the idea that this is a science fiction film about a comet?” asked Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson. “Just look at who likes it. Does anyone smell the Green New Deal here? Well, I do.”
Carlson was not alone in his criticism of the new Adam McKay...

Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn Divorces Wrong Woman

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Things Have Been So Crazy It’s Hard To Keep Them StraightLess than 8 months after marrying a woman with whom he was incompatible, freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn filed for divorce from “Mrs. Cawthorn,” according to court documents. A spokesman for the congressman assured us that he did...

Joe Manchin Dashed Biden's Build Back Better Dreams. Here's Why He Did It

Monday, December 20, 2021

Moderate Clean Coal Nazi Denies Changing His Name From Manson Adding What If I Did?“I’m so damn fed up with this liberal cancel culture,” the embittered Senator told Squeaky Biggins-Frome of Access Hollywood Sunday, immediately following his sound-bite opportunity with Brian Kilmeade on Fox News’ Meet...

Democrats Should Tell Manchin To Fuck Himself

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Make Him Actually Vote Against His ConstituentsHaving been born with the inability to believe in anything, I’ve always been at a distinct advantage when dealing with life on planet Earth. You know, that thing that is not binary and connected be controlled? I don’t look at things and imagine what will...

Louisiana Judge Blasts Media For Reporting On Racist Comments Made Inside Her Own Home

Thursday, December 16, 2021

If This Kancel Kulchur Kontinues, Pretty Soon Racists Will Have No Place To Pursue Their Happiness In America!Suspended Lafayette judge Michelle Bachmann Malkin O’Toole (R-Word, LA) lashed out at “antifa and their allies in the liberal media” this morning after news that her son Olajuwan had been kicked...

Majority Say Looming Extinction Is Not Their Problem

Monday, December 13, 2021

It Is What It IsDisplaying the can-do attitude that built the world’s greatest economy based entirely on fast food & ephemeral services, a growing majority of Americans now believe that climate change is real and poses a clear and present danger to the continued existence of life as we know it on Earth...

Kellyanne Conway Claims Vindication

Saturday, December 11, 2021

You Thought I Was Making It Up Former Turdwaffle Director of Dysinformation Kellyanne Conway called into Fox & Friends this afternoon to say she doubted anyone will question of the power of alternative facts again after reports of widespread damage in Bowling Green, Kentucky, following an outbreak...