Mitch McConnell's Automaton Malfunctions During Press Conference

Wednesday, August 30, 2023

#Repugnicunts Blast Dems For Suggesting KY Senator Jelly Roll Is No Longer SentientThey’re just trying to cover up for Joe Biden covering up for Hunter S. Thompson, who is apparently still alive and a computer repair geek biting the hard drives out of laptops somewhere on the East Coast.

So How Did Donnie's Latest Attempted Insurrection Go?

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

I Saw He Had A Bunch Of Paid Dumb Niggers For Trump Show UpOh.
Have I pissed a few of you protectively-armed dumb niggers off?

Lest We Forget Rush's Second Anniversary

Friday, February 17, 2023

As The Most Pissed On Grave In The Continental United States

How To Combat Your Positive Thought Patterns

Saturday, January 21, 2023

You Don’t Want To Remain An #AmericanFamilyValues Idiot Your Entire Worthless Life, Do You?Another #ExistentialTrickQuestion for all you value voters out there.

America Gives Up And Dies From Lack Of Inner Resources

Monday, January 16, 2023

GOP Asks Why Democrats Are Unwilling To Work On Maggie’s Farm No More“If not now, when?” House Speaker Kevlar McCarthy (R-Word, CA) asks, “If not them, why can’t they all just get along with our #AmericanFamilyValues?"
#PundyRaunch on Rodney Luther King Day.

Unpaid Rent Threatens To Force Twitter Staff Onto The Streets

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

Musk: “A Homeless Twitter Is A fair And Balanced Unbiased Twitter"#AphorismsAreUs

Is R. J. Reynolds' First Name Really Ryan?

Sunday, January 1, 2023

#ExistentialTrickQuestionsHappy Jew Year!

Dumbfuck Thunberged Over Teensy Dick Tweet

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

Andrew Tate Revs His Engine To Level Teen Climate Activist Who Notes How He Nearly Damaged His Own MicroschwantzAndrew Tate, the supply-side sucker coach who no longer claims he survived the Manson family killings that left his mother dead in the wreackage, made the mistake of attacking the planet’s...

Merry MAGAMass MAGAts!

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Apparently Liberal Climate Change Hoaxers Have Joined The War On ChristmasThe greatest thing about outliving your proudly uneducated family & their toxic #AmericanFamilyValues is you don’t have to waste time, money, and risk karma by being shamed into visiting their dumb asses during the most wonderful...

Let's Talk About Depression, Great, Middling, Or Small

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Depressed People Have No Inner ResourcesSeriously.
Do you really believe depressed people would be treated the way they are if our benevolent Christian capitalist overlords thought they had not yet extracted every bit of marketable fluff from their non-existentialistic existences?
I can’t remember...

Texas GOV & AG Threaten To Sue If Hershel Walker Loses GA Senate Seat

Monday, December 5, 2022

We Stand Behind Any & All Upstanding Texan GOP-Americans Who Claim Our Great State As Their Primary Residence Sooner or later, this nation of miserable fucks had to face its first #AmericaFirst candidate, who would obviously believe that being a non-Native American native American would undeniably...

Fuck Donald Trump

Sunday, December 4, 2022

And Fuck Your Entire Gene Pool If This Post Offends YouYou've got eight years to enjoy your kinky Nazi incel playground before you start dying every bit as stupidly as you've lived your meaningless lives. I hope you got everything you wanted.
God will not miss you.
He gave up on you assholes...

Try Guys React To ‘SNL’ Parody: ‘Never Thought We Were Important Enough To Be Ridiculed That Way’

Tuesday, November 29, 2022

SNL Writers Respond: Try Harder And Our Ridicule Will Commensurate#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Flu & RSV & Other Vax Preventable Diseases Run Roughshod Through Stupid States

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

But That’s Our God-Given First Or Second Amendment Rights, Scream Stupid PeopleCan I get an “Amen?!"

GOP Blasts Dem Majority For Rigging Midterms By Voting

Friday, November 11, 2022

We Need To Find Better Ways To Suppress The Vote, Says Fox NewsCiting reports that young people voted overwhelmingly for Democrats in multiple elections where they should not have, the GOP is meeting behind closed doors this weekend to develop better strategies for preserving the minority rule they’ve...

Oxymorons & Incels Claim Elections Rigged Against Them

Monday, November 7, 2022

Are We Not White Men? Developmentally Disabled Throngs In Thongs Ask Rectumorally#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Dumbfucks Complain That Cunts Are Ruling The World

Monday, October 31, 2022

Jarvis Cocker Threatens Intellectual Property Suit Against American Family Values CoalitionObviously, cunts are still ruling the world.

Uneducated Americans Demand Loan Forgiveness For SUVs

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

We Were Here Before These Over-Educated Shitheads MAGAts ComplainThey got me there. #AmericaFirst has always attracted the dumbest of the dumb.

Trump Beefs Up Armed Security At His Properties To Repel FBI Raiders

Friday, September 2, 2022

Former Führer Vows To Stand His Ground Against Democrat InsurrectionistsVowing to take no prisoners in his fight to be reinstated with the full inalienable rights and executive privileges due a direct descendent of America’s supreme Christian Founding Fathers, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

Idiots Cry Foul Over Student Loan Forgiveness

Friday, August 26, 2022

What About My Worthless Timeshare?Losers complain about their terrible life choices and expect they should be rewarded for them. Fuck them. And if you defend them, fuck you too.
"Take a day
And walk around
Watch the Nazi’s
Run your town
Then go home and check yourself
You think we're...

Grabito Pussolini Threatens To Reveal Top Secret Documents On Display In The Lobby At Pussolini Tower In NYC

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Nobody Steals My Documents And Gets Away With It, Morbidly ObeseFailed Führer FumesIn the waning days of his pathetic presidency, propped up by America’s uneducated gun-addicted moderates, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & kind of guy who marries mail-order brides who love golden showers...

Trump Accuses American People Of Turning On Him

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Does No One Remember My Motto of #PromisesMadePromisesKept?As former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & kind of supply-side dealmaker who only used reliable Russian financing to prop us his businesses and country, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini scrambled to retain tactical support from his heavily-armed...

Asterism Is One Of My Favorite Bands

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Easily The Best Power-Pop Trios In Four DecadesYou don’t have to listen.

Americans Insist That If God Hadn't Meant For Them To Be Stupid He Wouldn't Oppose A Women's Right To Rid Herself Of Toxic Offspring

Friday, August 19, 2022

Have You Ever Heard God Saying He Liked To Let Women Do Whatever The Fuck Pleases Them?I rest my case. I’ve never felt a greater kinship to my fellow citizens in this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™).

Trump Says He Declassified All The Documents Before He Stole Them

Friday, August 12, 2022

They Didn’t Even Want To Build My Library At Bedminster With Ivanna’s Memorial The First Step Into The BuildingClaiming that the FBI, working for Sleepy Joe Biden, BLM, and antifa, have probably “planted evidence like you wouldn’t believe to make me look bad, just because I think the American patriots...

How Stupid Does An American Have To Be?

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

I Keep Trying To Answer That #ExistentialTrickQuestionI still think  my inability to grasp why taking a knee during the National Anthem is somehow un-American has nothing to do with being one merit badge short of Eagle Scout. Have you ever been asked to suck a grown man’s dick ro earn a Citizenship...

Former White House Physician Rep. Ronny Jackson Pledges To Never Eat 'A Whole Plate Of Dog Penis' Again

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Well, That’s Good To KnowIs that the daily special at Mar A Lago?

Former Trump Advisor Peter Navarro Suggests Jared Kushner Faked His Testicular Cancer Diagnosis For Sympathy To Sell His Memoir

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Spokescell For Kushner’s Alleged Testicles Declines Comment#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Dickie The Bruce Cheney Calls Donald Trump Limpest Dick In America

Friday, August 5, 2022

This Guy Couldn’t Organize An Insurrection In A Wet Paper BagFormer Vice President Dick Cheney posted an ad for his daughter Elezbian calling former twice-impeached uninidicted co-conspirator and only Nazi ever elected to the highest office in our nation of miserable fucks, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini, “a...

ISIS Buys Winning Megamillions Ticket At MBS Speedway Gas Station In Des Plaines, IL

Sunday, July 31, 2022

State Department Concedes Most Terrorist Organizations Are Funded Entirely By Lottery WinningsNo one is quite sure how to deal with this revelation.

Marjoe Faylure Malaprop Asks Why Kids Are Getting Monkeypox If It's An STD

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Are Democrat Pedophiles At The CDC Responsible?Appearing to fake a call to Tucker Freedumb Trucker Carlson in an Instagram post, freshman Rep. Good Ol Boy’s Kind Of Gal Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) asked God and her followers “If you really buy the line that these thousands of innocent children...

Facebook Denies It Has Deleted Secret Service E-Mails

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

We Gave Everything We Had To Trump’s Election Integrity Team On January 7th, Says ZuckSidestepping questions about whether Meta (formerly FaceBook) logs all communications of every member, including their extended family, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, or law enforcement survelliance anyone might...

Trump & Musk Go Snit For Snat In Bitch Slap Byte Battle

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Monumental Mental Midgets Spar Over Who Has The Biggest Insult SausageI always like a good public self-own to go with my daily yellow journalism fix. The former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & God’s gift to  pussy in search of come autocrat to grab it, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini took on...

Sarah Palin Claims Trump Has The Biggest Tanned Testicles She's Ever Seen

Sunday, July 10, 2022

These Testicles Have To Be Cradled To Be BelievedSaying he could grab her pussy any time, former Gov. Sarah Sirhan Palin (R-Word, AK) lavished praise on the tanned testicles of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & guy who thought he could run an entire country of 330 million people like...

I'm Pretty Sure That Leading Up To The Last Global Extinction

Saturday, July 9, 2022

Dinosaurs Were Arguing To Preserve Their Second Amendment Rights While Liberals Promised To Save The Terminal Dumbasses To Prove God Is An AssholeI mean what good’s a democracy if it doesn’t save the worst among us to prove what the best in people could be if it wasn’t for that Great Hoo Hoo In The...

If It Ain't Broke, They Always Told Me, Don't Fix It

Thursday, July 7, 2022

So For More Than Half A Century We’ve Been Building Bandaid Shit On Top Of Rotten Broken Shit Based On Broken Shit No One Remembers How To ServiceIt’s these small irrelevant revelations that make me appreciate how thoroughly fucked we all are, adrift in this leaky life raft of Western Civilization,...

Interpretive Dance Makes Me Want To Kill Myself

Monday, July 4, 2022

So Why Isn’t Interpretive Self-Annihilation An Olympics-Level Sport With Big Name Sponsors & Shit?I hear the Repugnicunts are planning to ask the Supreme Court to revisit Crank v. Yank, where suicide was originally defined as an unfortunate, if necessary, cost of doing business & not a victimless crime...

How To Get Through Life

Saturday, July 2, 2022

Some Suggestions Are Much Too Vague To HelpCave painters like to keep it real by repeating the same or similar observations every 15 to 20 million years because they are not painting for us. They are painting for generations yet to come who might eventually become  intelligent enough to perceive the...

Horse Kicks Tree, Farts On Dogs Then Runs Away.

Monday, June 27, 2022

A Sequel Is Already In The WorksThe tentative title is “Return Of The Horse Who Kicked The Tree, Farted On Dogs & Ran Away.”

Breaking News! Occam's Taint Called Hoax

Monday, June 27, 2022

The Simplest Solution Is Often RetardedWe apologize in advance for the corrections to this post that are already being developed as properties of dubious value in which we will fully obfuscate the venal intention of our word choices in this post and so many others, often pondering the undeniable thrill...

Giuliani Considers Suing Will Smith Over Deli Slap

Monday, June 27, 2022

Mr. Mayor Claims Anyone Who Incites Or Inspires Violence Against Me Must Be Held Accountable“It’s a novel legal theory I just heard about on Truth Social,” Mr. Guiliani said, wiping what he insisted was an peanut butter stain from his nose.
“All we need now is to purchase some favorable evidence...

Occam's Taint

Saturday, June 25, 2022

Is It A Neurological Disorder Or A Sign From God?Perhaps it is yet another unanswerable #ExistentialTrickQuestion.
But the simplest explanation to all of our problems is usually this one:

GOP Says Don't Tell Us You Fucking Dems Wouldn't Be Begging For Pardons If You Had Tried & Failed To Steal An Election

Thursday, June 23, 2022

A Pardon Is Like Life Insurance For High-Rolling PoopadoodlersVulnerable GOP seditionists on the ballot in Nov 2022  today blasted the House Select Investigation into the failed coup on January 6, 2021 for “making us look like the bad guys with guns when all we did was encourage a conversation among...

GA Gov Candidate Celebrates First Juneteenth Father's Day

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Whatever Happened To Good Old Regular Father’s Day?Gubernatorial candidate Hershel Walker (R-Word, GA) told the audience at the Road to Majority  conference in  Nashville, after he suffered a major GPS catastrophe and possibly left himself open to charges of election fraud by campaigning in the wrong...

I See The Nimrods Are Upset Tom Hanks Dropped The F-Bomb

Thursday, June 16, 2022

When Some Asshole Nearly Knocked Over His Wife, RitaHmmm.
I am currently involved in an intense internal debate about grammar, intentional fallacy, pataphysics, plantation economics, cognitive flatulence, philostophy, and whatever an academic question is simultaneously, with no sense of irony at...

WHO Will Rename Monkeypox Virus To Combat Racism And Stigma

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

I Hear They Plan To Hold A Contest To Pick The WinnerMy entry is “Patriot Pride Pox.”

DeSantis Moves To Ban Teaching About Uranus In Grades K-12

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Proposes Several Amendments To Florida’s Parental Whites In Education ActIn his ongoing effort to ban all books and ideas from Florida, beginning in the classrooms, Gov. Ron “Little Don” DeSantis (R-Word, FL) took aim at his mocking critics today by proposing an amendment to his landmark Lily White...

Tampon Shortage Is Latest Nightmare For Women

Friday, June 10, 2022

Trump Eliminated Strategic Tampon Reserve To Balance Tax Cuts For The Rich#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Rittenhouse Clarifies How Higher His Education Might Go

Monday, June 6, 2022

Right Wing NRA Hero Getting Honorary Associate Degree From Kollege Of Khristian KonservativismAfter nearly a week of gut-wrenching back and forth on social media over how he’ll qualify to run for Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn’s (R-Word, NC) vacated seat in 2024, Kyle “Killer Klown” Rittenhouse announced...

DeSantis Extends States Rights Freedumb Protections To Include Banning Critical Gun Theorists From State

Friday, June 3, 2022

Prototypical #FloridaMan Toobins His Heavily Armed Constituents Who Slurp It UpI have no idea why these nimrods don’t legislate arming fetuses at conception so they’ll get their minds gestated right before being pooped out into our nation of miserable fucks  as cheap skeet to keep the slowly extinctifying...

Repugnicunts To Campaign On Increased Second Amendment Access In 2022

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

It’s The Only Way To Combat Critical Race Theory & Those Damned Liberal Snowflakes“No more Mr. Nice Cuy,” Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Word, KY) told an unnamed source we could just as easily have made up, but we here at The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat...

Cornyn: Criticism of Police Response to Uvalde Shooting Is ‘Destructive, Distracting, & Unfair’

Sunday, May 29, 2022

‘If You Can’t Trust The Police, Who Can You Trust?’ Someone Asks, RhetoricallySenator John Cornyn (R-Word, TX) blasted the “know-nothing, do-nothing liberal media” for pushing “woke antifa talking points” for blaming the incompetent and catastrophic response to the Uvalde, Texas elementary-school incident...

If The Liberal Media Manages To Put Repugnicunts In Charge Of The House And Senate In 2023...

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

…2030 Can’t Come Soon EnoughThat 2030 reference should be non-ambiguous at this point in our collective cognitive decline, but too many so-called educated people are incapable of doing simple math these days, so talking about having 8 years to get our runaway supplyside plantation economics-caused...

NASA Getting Screwy Messages From Interstellar Space

Sunday, May 22, 2022

How Much Further Can Stupidity Expand?The Voyager 1 spacecraft has begun sending back messages from deep space that NASA engineers are at a loss to explain.
“It’s time for dark MAGA to take control,” began one recently decoded radio burst, “I am now on a mission to expose those who say and promise...

Once Again Our Racist, Gun-Loving Mainstream Media Misses The Point

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

An Angry Racist Without A Gun Is A Lot Easier To Deal WithUntil our nation of miserable fucks comes to grips with #AmericanFamilyValues and how the NRA uses the Second Amendment to prop them up, I’ll keep writing #OnWithTheBodyCount.

Can Sandman, Rittenhouse, Gendron, & Geldings Become A Most Valuable Trademark?

Sunday, May 15, 2022

As Tucker Carlson Might Say: “I’m Not Saying. I’m Just Asking.”I’m sure someone is already working on the articles of incorporation somewhere in Deleware…

Trump Sees 'Vengeance' On The Political Horizon

Thursday, May 12, 2022

When I Was In The White House We Very Hardly Had A Working Plan To End This American Carnage On Time And Under Budgetary With No Fruit No Tomato“But there you go again,” said the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and committed pro-Putin climate change lobbyist Grabito Pussolini (He made...

If It's Gauche To Mock Assholes While They Are Still Capable Of Squatting & Squeezing Out A Hot One

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

And It’s A Scandal To Mock A Dead Asshole In Front Of His Or Her Asshole Friends……what’s any self-respecting suicidal maniac supposed to do?

GOP Huddles On How To Implement Market-Based Solution For Distributing Millions Of Unwanted Poor Non-White Full-Term Fetuses

Saturday, May 7, 2022

Days After Supreme Court Leak, Leading Supply-Side Plantation Economists Discuss How New Abortion-Ban Marketplace Will WorkNow that Roe v. Wade is no longer settled law, jubilant Nazis, corporate overlords, and evangelical alternative Satanists have begun thrashing out the details on how best to punish...

What's So Bad About Peas Clubbing Seal Cubs For Sky King?

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Music Is The BestI like this. The music at the beginning reminds me of Bowie’s final album. The lyrics take guts.

The only thing I miss about Twitter is #TheDeadBeats.

Mysterious Liver Illness In Children Tied To Trump Rallies

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Some Anecdotal Evidence Sggests Ivermectin Or Hydroxychloroquine May Have Contributed To ProblemThe kids ain’t talking…
To paraphrase my old buddy Wild Boy Willy S. Burroughs: “Would you?”

Russian Military Leaders Try To Lift Troop Morale As Tenth General Killed

Monday, May 2, 2022

Rising In Ranks Today So Much Easier Than During Purge, Say VeteransCiting recent conflicts in Afghanistan, Syria, and several American swing states, Russian veterans are encouraging young unemployed patriots and Coosack dead-enders to enlist and join the “Glorious Special Military Liberation Operation”...

Free Speech Concerns Mount Over DHS 'Disinformation' Board As Fox News, Nazis Weigh In

Saturday, April 30, 2022

First They Came For Our Free Lunch, But I Wasn’t Hungry, So WTF?I’m pretty sure once the Repugnicunts and their uneducated dopioid-addicted base get their way, the only speech left will be monetized with cryptocurrency.

Margarine Tailor Grinch Endorses Lorena Bobbitt For Lauren Boebert's Seat

Saturday, April 30, 2022

Bobbitt Knows How To Handle These Liberal PricksNo other details were too small for us to ignore.

Apparently Freedumb Trucker Tucker Carlson Testicles Were Not Tan Enough

Thursday, April 28, 2022

Natal Nazi Deletes Gay Tweet To Get Back At TwitterFox News & Entertainment analist Tucker “Fellatio Alger Hiss” Carlson (R-Word, Fox) attempted to credit Elon Musk with ending his uspension by tweeting “We’re back!” on the plaform half a day after he deleted the transphobic tweet that had gotten him...

New Joe Rogan Controversy Erupts On GETTR Dunne

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Former Hair Club For Men Co-Founder Forced To Change Name In Trademark DisputeAmerica’s number one dickhead, Joe “Camel Toe” Rogan would neither confirm nor deny reports that he was forced to change his surname from Minoxidil more than 20 years ago after Rogaine manufacturer, Johnson & Johnson threatened...

Marjarine Mailer Twink (R-Word, GA) Claims Dyslexitive Privelege

Sunday, April 24, 2022

It Cain’t (Sic) Be Just You Gaspacho (Sic) Liberals Have Protected Glasses Where The Pledge Ain’t (Sic) Sang After Y’All (Sic) Make A Mockery Of The Lord’s Platform (Sic) By Not Saying ItDaring anyone to take her God-given seat in the U.S. House of Representatives by “using some antique (sic) law from...

Margarine Tailor Preene Invokes Classic #Nancygate Reagan Defense To Continue Nazi Campaign

Friday, April 22, 2022

Georgia Insurrectionist Avoids Invoking Fifth Amendment By Repeating ‘I Don’t or Can’t Or Won’t Recall’ While Under Oath Until It Was Useless AnymoreRep. Margarine Tailor Preene (R-Word, GA) stood her ground against accuasations in Atlanta today that Nazis should not be allowed to run for office, refusing...

Judicial End Of Pandemic Reveals American Deceptionalism At Its Very Finest

Thursday, April 21, 2022

Why Does The Census Never Lead To Consensus?OMG!
Not another #ExistentialTrickQuestion?!

Papal NRA Ceasefire For Easter Sunday Fails To Hold

Monday, April 18, 2022

The 45,222 Total Gun Deaths For April 17, 2022, Eclipses Record From 1863Americans are currently divided over what to do about rising gun violence  that seems to grow more every day every time some nitwit says that there ain’t no way to delay that trouble coming everyday.
On the one hand, hardcore...

Easter Body Count Continues Upward Trend

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Roving Bands Of Second Amendment Fanatics Threaten The Peace That Passeth For UnderstandingI can’t wait until the CDC and NWS team up to produce daily projectile forecasts to give the unarmed non-violent majority a heads-up on whether to venture out into the increasingly frequent dum-dum storms.

GOP Pollster Says Republicans Are Mocking 'Child' Trump Behind His Back

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Trump Ain’t Got No Daddy!Longtime Repugnicunt propagandist Franklin Lloyd Lungzfisk claims that GOP leadership has been pinning virtual “Kick Me” notes to the back of the Chinese-made golf attire worn by former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and fierce ally of Russian president Vlad The...

Lara Logan, Who Compared Fauci To Mengele, Says Fox News Pushed Her Out

Saturday, April 9, 2022

Logan Says Network ‘Does Not Want Independent Thinkers Who Question Their Liberal Corporate Values'Former Pulitzer-Prize-calibre CBS news reader, Lara Logan, who casually compared Dr. Anthony Fauci to celebrity Nazi abortionist, Josef Mengele, during an infommercial for non-prescription Ivermectin...

I Invited Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn To A Cocaine Orgy To Sell The Segment To Jackass!

Friday, April 8, 2022

The Guy Is Such A Feckless FaggotThat’s his word, not mine.

Donald Trump's Big Regret From January 6 Will Shock You

Thursday, April 7, 2022

I Should Have Stormed The Capitol With Chicken NuggetsFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and prime example of why teaching critical race theory to the proudly uneducated might not be such a bad idea, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini says his biggest regret from the failed Jan 6 insurrection...

Bad Guys With Guns Condemn Random Mass Shootings

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

This Shit Is Making Us Look Bad; Demand NRA Take Action“Of course we do bad things. We’re the bad guys,” said Szugah Kane Kowalski, an unofficial Tik Tok spokestrannie for the Benevolent Order Of Bad Guys With Guns (BOOBGWG), “but we’d still be bad without the guns, which we wouldn’t need if every...

Senate Judiciary Committee Dreadlocks On Judge Jumanji Brown Jackson's Nomination

Monday, April 4, 2022

GOP Senators Argue Judge’s Name Is ‘Not Mainstream Enough For Most Uneducated Middle Americans To Pronounce’Stressing that now is not the time to add to the divisiveness in America that has pitted very fine people against ordinary hoodlums by adding a jstice to the Supreme Court with such an unconventional...

Sticks And Stones May Break Our Bones But A Word Can Drive Us To Murder

Saturday, April 2, 2022

That’s The Lesson To Be Learned From Will Smith’s Defense Of Jada’s Knuckleheaded HonorIt’s a good thing The Prince of Bel Air wasn’t packing last Sunday. We could have been treated a special There’s Good News Tonight segment, featuring the ultimate reverse Chris Chubbock at The Oscars™!
Mr. Smith...

Trump Dares Putin To Release The Secrets He Sold Him About Biden

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

If You Don’t Support Me Today, We Can’t Get You An Incredible Nobel Peace Prize To Go With MineEven his most ardent admirers have grown averse to publicly voicing support for former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and sperm donor extraordinaire to America’s New Age Kleptocracy, Dimwit Donald...

Trump Likely Committed Felony Obstruction, Federal Judge Rules

Monday, March 28, 2022

Trump: What A Fucking Idiot! Can You Believe This Guy?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and guy voted least likely to succeed in the 2020 presidential election, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini took time out this morning from disputing reports that attendance at his Georgia rally over...

Sometimes A Cave Painting Like Ice Shall Suffice

Friday, March 25, 2022

I Swear I Did Not Stage This Intervention
Somebody sent me her Google search results. Finally, I feel validated.

Judge Ketanji "Action" Jackson Brown Called Militant Aunt Jemima By GOP

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

You Didn’t Expect Us To Accept You The Same As We Did That Unqualified White Woman Without A Fight Did You? Well, Did You, Punks?After refusing to produce her Kenyan long-form birth certificate during the third day of hearings marked by adherence to the newly-implemented viewer-friendly GOP extreme...

I Read In An E-Mail About GETTR That Donald McRumsfeld Is Trending On Twitter

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

I Can Only Guess The War Criminal Is Working For Putin In The AfterlifeProbably as an under-assistant to one of Dickless Cheney’s depleted pacemaker batteries.
Old Vlad the Impudent appears to be as surprised that the Ukrainians haven’t greeted his occupying mechanized conscripts as liberators as...

How Do You Grow A Substack From Cuttings?

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Beats The Hell Out Of MeBut then again everything beats the hell out of me. 
Anyone else think Putin’s Make Ukraine Great Again rally the other day was sorely lacking in proper headwear? And where the hell was his African American?

Junior Toes A Fine Line Up His Nose

Thursday, March 17, 2022

They Say A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Turds
As Ray Thomas used to write in the comics: Enuf said.

Trump Blasts Reports He Is Misusing Campaign Funds To Buy A New Airliner

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Calls Fake Journalist A Fake Person For Asking Fake Question For Fake Media At Fake News Conference“First off,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and fattest guy in the room, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle told a reporter being helped to safety by security, “You can’t misuse campaign contributions...

Trump Blasts Stories ABout 'Mothballed' Plane As Fake News

Monday, March 14, 2022

Failed Führer Insists Personal Boeing 757 Has “Great Balls”
In the wake of a borrowed plane’s suicide attempt two weeks ago with the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator onboard, disgraced grifter Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle began soliciting donations to fund repair of Trump Force One,...

Can Somebody Tell Me How This Is Even Legal?

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks Really Loves Its Racist GriftersBefore I finally managed to provoke Twitter into permanently suspending my thankless ass for conduct unbecoming an Internet denizen, I used to get routinely shadowbanned, paused, search suggestion banned, suspended, timed-out, deboosted,...

Uh-Oh. Looks Like I'm About To Violate Another NDA

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

I Got This Urgent E-Mail From TurdwaffleIt arrived in one of the junk e-mail boxes reserved for nabobs, Nazis, and other numbnutted nimrods who make this nation of miserable fucks grate, no fun intended.
Since time, as we are painfully aware by now, is meant to be wasted, I went ahead and completed...

Trump Urges US To Repaint F22s To Look Like MIGs

Sunday, March 6, 2022

And Dress The Seal Team Guys Like AntifaFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & one of Ronald Reagan’s most inflamed rectal polyps, Dimwit Donald J Turdwaffle interupted a wedding at a brand new Mar-a-Lago  recently opened in New Orleans on Saturday “to send a message to the White House,”...

Fuck You Wordle!

Saturday, March 5, 2022

I’m On A Roll!The games go by like slugs through a goose:
Wordle 259 3/6


Bloody Hell

Friday, March 4, 2022

Is It Women’s History Month Again Already?I hope they can take a good ribbing.

There's Good News Tonight On Climate Change

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

It’s Just Not What You ThinkThe good news is people won’t get any dumber.

Turdwaffle Supporters Double Down On Support For Russian Tough Love In Ukraine

Monday, February 28, 2022

Silent Majority Continues To Show Support For One To Three PercentersIf you were to watch or listen to the news anywhere in this nation of miserable fucks in recent weeks, you might think that the least menacing threat to American democracy is the Second Amendment right of any potentially competetive...

Fox News Blasts Critics For Saying Biden Knows More Than Fox News Does And Exactly What He's Doing

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Is Putin Better Off Today Than He Was A Week Ago?#ExistentialTrickQuestions

I Can Remember When Black History Day Was A Big Deal

Saturday, February 26, 2022

Hell, Before The COVID Got Rush Last Year, There Was Serious Talk Of Renaming February Woke History MonthMaybe I’m just making that up.
Or maybe I’m just reading between the lines, from behind the lines.
You willing to bet your life on a binary construct?

CDC Guidelines Suggest 70 Percent of US Could Stop Wearing Masks

Saturday, February 26, 2022

We Could Lose 70 Percent Of This Nation Of Miserable Fucks And Leave A Much Better World For Our ChildrenShortly before voting to disband itself, the Centers For Disease Control & Invention issued new guidance, scraping all efforts to get the COVID pandemic under control at the insistence of the heavily...

God Announces New Season Of The Walking Dead

Friday, February 25, 2022

Big Guy Says He Knows What He Likes And He Just Don’t Like Us“I’m tired of you assholes blaming me for all your dumb ass shit,” the creator of the universe tweeted before being banned on Twitter for violating the rules against hateful thinking.
“Fuck you guys,” He promptly wrote to Twitter Support,...

You Think This Is Bad? This Is Not So Bad

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Said The Hobo In The Crammed Boxcar On The Train To AuschwitzI’m pretty sure Slaughterhouse Five should be part of any public school curriculum that acknowledges Critical Race Theory is actually a real thing, like science.
Which is why I am also convinced that that will never happen.

Brain Activity Of Dying Man Suggests Energy Vampires Feast On Our Thoughts As We Die

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

What A Fucking BummerTurns out God is one cruel motherfucker.

Putin Responds With Sanctions On Trump Organization

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

A Deal’s A Deal Says Russian Strongman, Citing Helsinki DiscordRussian dicktaster Vlad “The Impudent” Putin wasted no time after Germany & NATO slapped his dying nation with sanctions following the annexation of Eastern Ukraine late yesterday.
Putin claims he is acting under terms of the 2018 agreement...

Trump Defends Liberation Of Classified Documents

Saturday, February 19, 2022

This Is My Intellectual Property, Soon To Be Deposed Tyrant Insists

“The American people elected me to be their president,” said twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and avowed racist dog-whisperer Dimwit Donald Turdwaffle to begin his 17-page rebuttal of accusations that he stole documents...

Trump Calls Court Defeat A Tapestry Of Justice

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Accuses Hillary Clinton Of Planting Evidence In His MouthSaying no one in history has been prosecuted as much as he has, “not even the pogroms at Foulmouth Rock,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & man awaiting trial for anything you got, Dimit Donald Turdwaffle refused to admit he’s...

New Investigation Fails To Find Any Laws Not Broken

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

Ryan Zinke Hits For The Cycle In Corruption World SeriesFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & America’s funniest living home video, Donald J. Turdwaffle vowed to give former U.S. Interior Sec. Ryan Zinke the Medal of Freedumbocracy this morning “as soon as I’m reinstated,” after reports...

Eric Trump Threatens To Execute Great Vengeance Upon His Enemies

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

And I Will Execute Great Vengeance Upon Them With Furious Rebukes; And They Shall Know That I Am Eric, When I Shall Lay My Vengeance Upon ThemTo say that the only son of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator who could pass for Gary Busey’s kid is pissed by the Mazars USA decision to cut...

CDC Tracking New Highly Contagious Superbowl Variant

Monday, February 14, 2022

It Is Not Clear Yet If This Variant Is Ten Times As DeadlyIn an attempt to approximate the fairness and reliability of officially credentialed news organizations who feed you your daily pap, we have concocted yet another fully pre-fabricated tale of #TheTerribleSwiftianSword that we promise to be quick...

CDC Labels White Stupremacists Developmentally Averse

Sunday, February 13, 2022

Ms. Malaprop Coined The Term Stupremacy After Attending The Premiere Of King Ubu As A Guest Of W. B. YeatsThe Centers for Disease Control & Prevention now considers “stupremacy” to be a highly contagious socially-transmitted neurological disorder that was first observed by French surrealist pataphysician...

St. Valentine's Heart Was Hiding In Plain Sight

Friday, February 11, 2022

Stephen Crane Found It While Working For The Kraken In Arizona & Wrote A Poem About itI found it on a paper napkin while bussing tables at Denny’s
'In the desertI saw a creature, naked, bestial,Who, squatting upon the ground,Held his heart in his hands,And ate of it.I said, “Is it good, friend?”“It...

Florida Senate Bans Critical Gay Theory From Schools

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

Discussions Of Sexual Orientation Just As Hurtful To Christians As Accusing Them Of Racism
As America’s feckless Repugnicunts double down on their insistence that a highly-unlikable God is on their side and fuck everyone else, Florida has taken the lead in linguistic lunacy from North Carolina with...

Deep State Commandos Raid Mar-a-Lago

Monday, February 7, 2022

Rescue Fifteen Boxes Of Hostage Documents, Some Of which Had Been Badly mutilatedAccording to stiff and wired reports from my agents in the field, the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator escaped to his Doral golf course, where he may have been consumed by alligators, if we are lucky, which...

Do You Remember The First Time Suicide Bombers Became A Thing

Sunday, February 6, 2022

No, It Wasn’t In 1881 Although It Could Have BeenIt was actually during the reign of Old Rummy Reagan, in 1981, when the supply-side plantation owners tried to downplay the threat while also trying to shame the bombers by demanding the mainstream media refer to these highly effective human weapons...

Turdwaffle Blasts Constitution For Being So Confusing

Saturday, February 5, 2022

I’ve Played Plenty Of Games But I’ve Never Run Up Against So Much Stuff They Don’t Let You Interpret“I built my career on beating the cheaters,” said former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Repugnicunt contraceptive Donald J. Turdwaffle during a call to 911 this morning, asking for help...

Well I Do Declare

Saturday, February 5, 2022

These Repugnicunt Boys Sure Do Have A Way With WordsPlease allow me to present, without alteration, an actual paragraph from the Repugnicunt National Committee statement censuring Representatives Liz Cheney & Adam Kinzinger for the crime of pointing out that the their incompetent emperor was beating...

Values: The American Family Algorithm

Thursday, February 3, 2022

What Happens When The Trees Abandon A Forest?Life is just another of those #ExistentialTrickQuestions.

ISIS Leader May Or May Not Have Killed Himself

Thursday, February 3, 2022

All The Breaking News Of Breaking News About Breaking News To Give You FitsThe Biden administration just convened an emergency press barrage to walk back its earlier boast that it had hunted down and killed or captured Abu Ibrahim Rahman Gambino al-Hashimi Sashimi Kumbayamalaw  al-Qurayshi, second...

Cawthorn Proposes Compromise On Critical Race Theory

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

GOP Loyalists Agree To Very Fine People On Both Sides Arrangement That Includes Critical Nazi Theory“You can’t complain about racism,” said wheelchair Olympic Paralympian pole vaulter Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) “until you’ve lost use of your legs in an explosive IUD attack caused...

Repugnicunts Push Racist Bullshit About Biden's Supreme Court Promise

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

We Don’t Need More Uppity Black Women Telling White Men What To DoGOP leadership continues to attack President Biden for attempting to fulfill his campaign promise to nominate a highly qualified black woman to the Supreme Court as soon as the opportunity presented. 
While it is generally considered...

Antifa Admits She Stole The 2020 Election

Monday, January 31, 2022

So WTF Are You Nimrods Going To Do About It?Asking for your mother…

Turdwaffle Says He Signed A Photo For Me!

Sunday, January 30, 2022

All I Have To Do Is Send Him At Least Seventy Five Dollars To Save America From People Like Me

You can have mine for free.

Fox Gnus Blasts Biden For Staging Bridge Collapse

Saturday, January 29, 2022

As The Church Lady Used To Say: How Convenient
The righteous outrage of our terminal dumb asses continues unabated this morning following the “highly suspicious timing” of the Frickin’ Park bridge collapse on Friday as failed President Joe Biden prepared to stump for his East Coast elite Build Back...

Ye, The Trademarked Asshole Formerly Known As Kanye Says Pete Davidson Gave Him AIDS

Friday, January 28, 2022

Or Something Like ThatI don’t really pay much attention to reality & even less to celebrity, but I like the shits & giggles.

Kremlin Warns Tucker Carlsen To Rein In His Irrational exuberance

Thursday, January 27, 2022

This Creep Is Embarrassing The Great Empire We Are Working To Make Great AgainIn a letter to the late Rupert Murdoch, Chad Putin, no relation to Russian strongman Vlad The Impudent, suggested Murdoch tone down Carlsen’s adolescent rhetoric “before he says something we all regret.”
We thought about...

Dumb Sons Of Bitches Rally Around Pete Doocy

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

We Are The Army Of Truth—WWG1WGA
Can I get the witless?

GOP Says Now Is Time To Attack Russia

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

In Ten Years It Will Be Too LateCiting growing evidence that the planet may not be fit for habitation by 2029, Repugnicunts in the House and Senate this morning issued a joint resolution praising President Joe Biden’s harsh rhetoric against Russia’s latest threats to invade Ukraine, with party leadership...

Unfortunate Internet Typos, Continued

Monday, January 24, 2022

Even Rachel Wood Says Marilyn Manson ‘Essentially Raped’ Her On SetMust I go on?

Leaked NOAA Memo From 2018 Warns Of Need For Complete East Coast Mass Evacuations At Least 50 Miles Inland By 2029

Saturday, January 22, 2022

We Are Running Out Of Time To Save Our coastal PopulationsI am only surprised that it took this long for Old Rummy Reagan’s supply-side plantation economy reliance on Just In Time (JIT) production & servicing policies & procedures to wipe out a significant portion of America’s uneducated population...

How To Minimize Your Regrets In Life

Friday, January 21, 2022

Die YoungMore good advice brought to you by our friends over at The Church Of The Oven Of Peace.

Pirate Dan Crenshaw tells 10-Year-Old To Walk The Plank

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

No One Questions The Religion Of A War Hero, Says Schmuck IdolatorIn Houston for a Teabagger Convention on Monday, Rep Pirate Dan Crenshaw (R-Word, TX) took time from whatever he does for a living to scold a 10-year-old girl who asked him why he suggested Jesus was not a real hero, like Superman, during...

Glenn Youngkin Attempts To Ban History On Day One As Virginia Governor

Sunday, January 16, 2022

No One Has Been More Critical Of Race Than Me, Nimrod SaysOn his first day in office, Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R-Word, VA) accidentally banned old television sets & computer monitors when he signed an executive order banning CRTs throughout the state.
Law enforcement officials are scrambling to develop...

As The #CountdownTo900Thousand Draws To A Close

Friday, January 14, 2022

Now this Is What We Pataphysicians Call Flattering The Curve!I told you guys we could do it! No self-inflicted catastrophe is beyond the reach of our nation of miserable fucks.

When we set our minds to it, we can swear that the shit we are currently feasting upon is the greatest shit anyone...

One Thing I Can Still Appreciate Is Truth In Advertising

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

As In 'Horse Kicks Tree, Farts On Dogs Then Runs Away.'Seriously.

I’m not kidding around.

Why Are Millions Of Americans Quitting Their Jobs For Good?

Monday, January 10, 2022

Maybe They Want To Spend Our Final Years On A Habitable Earth Laughing Their Asses OffAs W. S. Burrough’s often said: “Wouldn’t you?”

DeSantis Blames COVID Test Supply Expiration On Poor Consumer Demand

Saturday, January 8, 2022

It’s Not My Fault People Listened To CDC Guidance“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Repugnicunt Gov. DeSantis told a sparsely attended press conference at SeaWorld Friday, as news broke that Florida had allowed more than a million rapid tests in short supply  to expire in a refrigerated warehouse crammed...

Donald Trump's Fiercest Critics Now Agree With His COVID Fighting Strategy

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

And No I Am Not Making That Newsweek Headline UpSee for yourself:

I can remember when Newsweek was the official liberal newsweekly before they embraced our supply-side plantation economy & love of freedumbocracy.
I was curious about who these fiercest critics were & what COVID fighting strategy...

Capitol Rioter Compares Attacks On Her To Treatment Of 'Jews In Germany'

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Says Benjamin Netanyahu Invited Her To Israel To Handle West Bank Settlement SalesJenna Ryan, the Texas insurrectionist surreal-estate salesman who flew on a private jet last January to join other right-wing nutjobs in a failed attempt to overturn the free and fair election of Joe Biden, is now trying...

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro Hospitalized With Intestinal Obstruction

Monday, January 3, 2022

Team Of Crack Spelunkers Called In To Search For Leader’s Brain ContainerOne of the world’s remaining amateur Turdwaffle impersonators still clinging to power in the Western hemisphere was listed in critical but stable condition this morning after an expedition was launched to remove the head of Brazil’s...

Turdwaffle To Celebrate Be Best Patriot's Day On January 6

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Promises To Make Day A National Holiday As Soon As He’s ReinstatedA surprisingly diverse platoon of spokesapologists for the GOP today expressed concern over former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator & failed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle’s recent announcement that he will hold a news...

Marjoe Faylure Greengoblin Wants A Divorce From Woke Americans

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Demands Custody Of All Non-Nazi Votes And Spousal Support From Deadbeat LiberalsDingbat Georgia representative Marjoe Faylure Greengoblin is tired of liberals and brainwashed blue staters trying to confuse the voters of her district with facts and figures “that don’t change nothing where I come from”...

Are All Jareds Schmucks?

Monday, December 27, 2021

Asking For An Oregon Jared Named SchmeckIf this were a tweet, that’s it.

My Christmas Gift From Ted Steven's InterWeb

Sunday, December 26, 2021

Was Discovering CocorosieAnd I wouldn’t have made that discovery if not for Netflix, where I was watching The Gift, my favorite Turkish daffy taffy, where one episode ended with an excerpt from this song, an oddly pataphysical tribute to Jean Genet…
I had no idea that they record Lemonade before...

Fox Blasts 'Don't Look Up' As Thinly Veiled Climate Change Propaganda

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Do Liberals Hate Good Paying Jobs? “Does anyone buy the idea that this is a science fiction film about a comet?” asked Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson. “Just look at who likes it. Does anyone smell the Green New Deal here? Well, I do.”
Carlson was not alone in his criticism of the new Adam McKay...

Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn Divorces Wrong Woman

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Things Have Been So Crazy It’s Hard To Keep Them StraightLess than 8 months after marrying a woman with whom he was incompatible, freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn filed for divorce from “Mrs. Cawthorn,” according to court documents. A spokesman for the congressman assured us that he did...

Joe Manchin Dashed Biden's Build Back Better Dreams. Here's Why He Did It

Monday, December 20, 2021

Moderate Clean Coal Nazi Denies Changing His Name From Manson Adding What If I Did?“I’m so damn fed up with this liberal cancel culture,” the embittered Senator told Squeaky Biggins-Frome of Access Hollywood Sunday, immediately following his sound-bite opportunity with Brian Kilmeade on Fox News’ Meet...

Democrats Should Tell Manchin To Fuck Himself

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Make Him Actually Vote Against His ConstituentsHaving been born with the inability to believe in anything, I’ve always been at a distinct advantage when dealing with life on planet Earth. You know, that thing that is not binary and connected be controlled? I don’t look at things and imagine what will...

Louisiana Judge Blasts Media For Reporting On Racist Comments Made Inside Her Own Home

Thursday, December 16, 2021

If This Kancel Kulchur Kontinues, Pretty Soon Racists Will Have No Place To Pursue Their Happiness In America!Suspended Lafayette judge Michelle Bachmann Malkin O’Toole (R-Word, LA) lashed out at “antifa and their allies in the liberal media” this morning after news that her son Olajuwan had been kicked...

Majority Say Looming Extinction Is Not Their Problem

Monday, December 13, 2021

It Is What It IsDisplaying the can-do attitude that built the world’s greatest economy based entirely on fast food & ephemeral services, a growing majority of Americans now believe that climate change is real and poses a clear and present danger to the continued existence of life as we know it on Earth...

Kellyanne Conway Claims Vindication

Saturday, December 11, 2021

You Thought I Was Making It Up Former Turdwaffle Director of Dysinformation Kellyanne Conway called into Fox & Friends this afternoon to say she doubted anyone will question of the power of alternative facts again after reports of widespread damage in Bowling Green, Kentucky, following an outbreak...

Latest Smash & Grab Targets Don Wienauer's Gay Apparel

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Homophobic Flash Mob Accused Of Hate CrimeMore than 40 hooligans disguised as antifa Proud Boys stormed a high-end clothing store in North Portland last night, looting handbags, jewelry, shoes, thongs, toiletries, & opera gloves, as general mayhem continued to spread across our nation of miserable...

AntiVaxPAC To Hold Mar A Lago SprayAThon

Thursday, December 2, 2021

Turdwaffle Bemoans Vaccines Undoing America’s GreatnessThe hits keep coming to my Nazi junk e-mail boxes:

Turdwaffle To Self-Publish Memoir With Campaign Funds

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Save America & You Save Yourselves Says Former Failed FührerFollowing reports that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & alleged Russian peepeeholic Donald J. Turdwaffle has thus far refused to entertain any offers for his presidential memoir without an advance “at least a couple of grand...

Aaron Rodgers Has Broken Pinky Toe

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Star Shows Off Foot Over Zoom Saying See No Camel ToeProving yet again something or other not clearly articulated, Green Bay QB Aaron Rogers spent several minutes today talking about his foot, trying to counter increasing showes of disinofrmation sweeping across the barren tundra which “presumes to...

Rittenhouse Vows To Protect Kenosha When Acquitted

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Judge Ricky Schroeder Passes Note To JuryAn authorized spokesperson for Kylie Rittenhouse, the AR15 wielding white teen avenger on trial for killing two protestors & wounding a third, told a gaggle of  free-press reporters assigned the news & entertainment ephemeral services sector that Rittenhouse...

Fuck That Kid

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Twitter Overwhelmingly Agrees With Dave Bautista On This On#FuckThatKid

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Calls On Christian Soldiers

Sunday, November 7, 2021

We Must Not Allow The Heathen To Rage! Says Helms On Wheels, Jr.In one of his first official pronouncements following his induction into the House Freedumbocracy Caucus as Kookie Rookie of the Year, freshman insurrectionist Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) told a soup of slathering professional...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Block COVID Vaccine For Kids

Monday, November 1, 2021

Pivots From claiming Executive Privilege To Issuing Executive OrdersOutraged that president Biden is refusing to support his claim that even twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirators are guaranteed by the Constitution to have executive privilege in perpetuity, America’s favorite former First Idiot,...

How About We Cancel English Grammar Altogether

Friday, October 29, 2021

To Make The World Safe For Everyone’s Favorite Pronouns?I’m pretty tired of this proudly uneducated woke world The Reagan Legacy’s supply-side plantation economy has left us, where some fey righteous asshole feels it has the right to demand I acknowledge its political fantasy.
I’m always reminded...

Mitt The Shit Romney Opposes Taxing The Uber Rich

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Billionaires Are People Too, Just Like Corporations“America was built on slavery & genocide, not socialism,” America’s 2nd favorite Mormon white guy told fake media celebrities. “We’ll never make America great again by forcing the plantation owners to pay for the privilege of job creating. There will...

At The Rate The Stupid Are Killing Themselves With COVID

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks May Endure!I’m still telling you I told you so like I did way back during the bicentennial, which did not involve a shit pile of non-binary people demanding equal rights in our freedumbocracy, although I have been adamant in attesting that reality is not binary & never...

Let's Lift A Vial Of Anthrax In Honor Of Colon Bowel

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Maybe It Will Make Us Shit All Over Donald J. Turdwaffle’s PartyShould I release an official statement from the office of @DoctorFaustroll, your favorite temporarily suspended twit of the Untied States of Hysteria?

Missouri Vows To Prosecute Journalist Who Found Security Flaw In State Website

Thursday, October 14, 2021

A Clear Violation Of Our Terms Of ServiceA journalist with the  St. Louis Post-Dispatch discovered a security issue on a website maintained by the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education (DESE). By conducting a search & then reading the HTML source code for the returned records, anyone...

Turdwaffle Blasts Wokism For Columbo Day Name Change

Monday, October 11, 2021

They’re Canceling Our Great Italian Family Heritage“In 1492,” Turdwaffle shouted at his rally for Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn in Lickskillet, NC, “Colombo sailed the ocean blue, and that’s why we celebrate Colombo Day, which was made into a great TV program, not as good as The Apprentice, but it...


Friday, October 8, 2021

He’s A Loser & He’s Just What He Appears To BeHe’s a loser & he gets off by drinking pee.

Ted Cruz Blames School Shooting & Looming Debt Limit"" On Biden Border Policy

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

“We Need To Reinstate A Real President,” Cancun Cruz Tells Press WhoresAmerica’s favorite feckless fuck-up, Sen. Ted “Cancun” Cruz (R-Word, TX) held a press conference this morning to blame America’s epidemic of school shootings & random gun violence on Joe Biden’s “failure to secure our borders,”...

Marjoe Faylour Greene Asks Media Why God Has Forsaken Her

Monday, October 4, 2021

Claims Dems Are Rigging Her Life & Ruining The Lives Of Some Very Fine PeopleDays after attempting to introduce a House Bill legalizing concealed carry for fetuses more than 6 weeks old, Georgia’s favorite farmer’s daughter got into a shouting match with a deaf mute Forever Wveteran panhandling in...

Rep. Banks Questions January 6 Commission's Decision To "Spy" On House Republicans

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

The Founding Fathers Would Never Allow This!To prove something or other, Indiana Representative Jim Banks objected to even the idea of subpoenas for phone records of House Repugnicunts because it “would depart from more than 230 years of Congressional oversight, especially wiretaps. Looking at our...

Repugnicunts Outraged To Discover Antifa Owns Stock In Merck

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Makers of IvermectinEmmett Grogan, founder of The Diggers and reported vice-president of Antifa, told a packed hearing this morning that his group has made billions on the recent surge of ivermectin use among very fine unvaccinated people on former twice-impeached & undicted co-conspirator Donald J....

Old Mitch McDonald Tells Dems Not To Play Russian Roulette With Economy

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Why Risk The Great Tax Cuts The Russians Gave Us?Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY-Jelly) told reporters at a press gaggle and impromptu circle-jerk on Wednesday that America has already used all the help & good will it needed from the Russians in 2017, when they helped produce the greatest supply-side...

Texas Governor Abbott Primaried By Louise Costello

Friday, September 17, 2021

Turdwaffle Endorsement Does Not Deter Repugnicunt ChallengeTexas Gov. Bud Abbott is facing a field of more than 10 primary challengers despite his 73% approval rating among Turdwaffle supporters, many of whom are on life support for refusing to get vaccinated, wear a mask, or social distance during...

Report Says Rioting Portland Police Provoked Violence During George Floyd Protests

Friday, September 17, 2021

Well, duh…Those guys weren’t even funny back in the 1980s when North Portland was not yet gentrified, & The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat’s alternative religious subsidiary had a sign out front that read:

Megyn Kelly Hospitalized After Meltdown Over Madonna's Firm Butt

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“There’s No Way That Thing Is Real,” Exclaims Bloviating Bony Ass BitchFormer Fox News and NBC distaff Maury Povich, Megyn “Mo” Kelly was hospitalized in the early hours of September 15, following a rant over Madonna’s Video Music Award’s appearance, where she accused the 63-year-old pop star of wearing...

Turdwaffle Claims Holyfield Match Was Rigged

Monday, September 13, 2021

“I Got Robbed,” Twice-Impeached Nazi NattersFormer unindicted co-conspirator, Donald J. Turdwaffle and his son Little Don had hoped to earn more than 12 million dollars for their commentary during Evander Holyfield’s highly anticipated victory over Russian operative Vitor Belfort, but when Holyfield...

QAnon Amos And Andy Ngo To Host Jan. 6 Celebration

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Claim Capitol Police Response Was Terrorist Attack On FreedumbocracyJacob Shandling, the insurrectionist formerly known as the QAnon Shaman, has teamed up with independent Y’all Qaeda journalist Andy Ngo to mark the first anniversary of the Turdwaffle-inspired liberation of our nation’s Capitol to...

Turdwaffle To Honor 9/11 Heroes With Evander Holyfield Ringside Tag Team

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Junior Promises “Two-Fisted Entertainment” To Make America GreatFormer twice-impeachment unindicted coconspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle and his eldest son Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr. have teamed up with FITE TV to give good patriotic Americans the kind of entertainment they crave on the 20th anniversary...

Laurena Boebert Says She Has 2nd Amendment Plan To Get Rid Of Biden, Harris and Pelosi

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Colorado Gun Nut Serenades Glenn BeckFreshman Colorado congressturd Laurena Boebert has incessantly demanded that we stop misspelling her name in such a way that impressionable uneducated readers might conflate the freshman anti-Fauci-Ouchie activist with the woman who tossed her husband's severed...

#FloridaMan Demands DeSantisizing

Monday, August 30, 2021

"This Guy Embarasses Me,” Says State MascotSunshine State governor RegeneRon DeSantis may be a shoo-in for the 2024 Repugnicunt presidential nomination, but #FloridaMan is not impressed.Best known for his arrest after calling 911 to report a kitten getting refused entry at a titty bar, #FloridaMan...

Turdwaffle Praises Mullah Babar As "One Tough Cookie"

Saturday, August 28, 2021

“That Guy Really Knows How To Make A Great Deal” Former Guy Tells Nazi Talk Show
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & failed führer Donald J. Turdwaffle called one of his favorite white supremacist talk show hosts yesterday to flex his oration muscles after a four day bout with painful...

Katrina 16th Anniversary Remembrance Canceled

Friday, August 27, 2021

Hurricane’s Unacknowledged Daughter Ida About To Violate Implied Restraining OrderEver heard of someone asking for a maternity test?

NRA Cancels 150th Anniversary Out An Abundance Of Fear

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Refuses To Stand Its Ground Against COVID For Second Consecutive YearThe American Nazi Rifle Association (NRA) canceled its 2021 Annual Membership Meeting scheduled for Houston from September 3-5 this morning in a conference call with its Fox News communications firm. 
The NRA released the following...

Turdwaffle Urges Deplorable Base To Embrace Sleepwalking Over Wokeness

Monday, August 23, 2021

“You Too Can Learn To Run A Business In Your Sleep,” Grifting Guru Tells Uneducated AcolytesAmidst his hours-long rant in Cullman, Alabama, against antifa, women, immigrants, clean air, socialism, young people, education, COVID, mask mandates, blacks, hispanics, asians, nature, environmentalists, Greenpace,...

Trump Calls Taliban Afghanistan's Proud Boys

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Former President Whoops It Up At Alabama Repugnicunt RallyWarming up for his recently rescheduled reinstatement now slated for September 11, 2021, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle took to the stage in Cullman tonight to tout his good relations with the Taliban,...

War To Avenge George H. W. Bush's Honor Ends In Defeat

Monday, August 16, 2021

How Soon We Forget After 20 YearsI told you so. You people should have been listening when I told you so the first 100 or so times.
Remember when nerve gas turned out to be bee shit & the WMD in Iraq were stolen to make Dubya look bad? We’re getting good at this.

Dubai Is The Epitome Of Late Stage Supply Side Plantation Economics

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

A Shrine To St. Ronald ReaganIt’s nice to know that endless war & ballistic consummables is not America’s first & foremost export. Supply-side plantation economics is.
It’s so nice not to have to slam the unchosen country of my birth for being populated by such stupid scumbags, by having someone...

Mike Lindell Cyber Symposium Delayed By Random Zeroes & Ones

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

“Michael Che Hacked My Whole Capture Packet! ” CEO Screams Into Pile Of My Pillow QC RejectsMy Pillow founder Mike Lindell welcomed a throng of thonged QAnon computer experts numbering in the mid-double-digits to Sioux Falls this morning for a three-day cyber symposium that will prove “beyond a shallow...

Marjoe Failure Greene Urges Southerners To Shoot Vaccine Volunteers

Friday, August 6, 2021

“We All Love Our Second Amendment Rights,” Smarmy Seditionist SmilesNot content with having been stripped of all her committee assignments for having promoted the January 6th insurrection, freshman Georgia Rep. Marjoe Failure Greene told the Alabama Confederation of Repugnicunt Grabbable Pussies on...

6 Month Anniversary Fast Approaching

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Is It Time To Resubmit My Appeal of Twitter’s Suspension Of My Account For Hateful Conduct?I’m getting mixed messages here.

Holden Cawthorn's Glock Confiscated

Saturday, July 31, 2021

Tries To Claim It’s His Emotional Support AnimalNorth Carolina Freshman  Representative Holden Cawthorn recently denied he tried to sneak a loaded Glock with 2 extended magazines onto a flight to Mar A Lago back in February. 
“This is old fake news from the liberal media political hit mob,” said...

The Three Mouseketeers!

Friday, July 30, 2021

One For All & All Trumps OneI just read that if you assigned four average Americans to collaborate to accomplish any task, three of them will soon produce enough carbon emissions to kill the fourth one.
Well, that sounds about right.

Anyone Else Choose To Identify As Human?

Thursday, July 22, 2021

I’ve Started Identifying As A Human-AmericanUnfortunately, it no longer goes without saying in this nation of miserable fucks.

Antifa Is Fully Vaccinated

Sunday, July 18, 2021

QAnon Claims Antifa Has Been Hoarding “The Good Stuff”Arguing that the Biden vaccines are designed to sterilize Turdwaffle supporters, Mr. & Mrs. Walter Q. White took to Facebook this morning to blast antifa for using up all the safe vaccines developed from hydroxychloroquine during Operation Warped...

Another One For #TheDeadbeats

Saturday, July 17, 2021

The Lamb Runs Around On BroadwayI seldom listen to a song without hearing a dozen others. That’s just a simple fact. I can jump between one & the other like a freaky dancer with eight leftist legs. Sometimes the juxtaposition seems perfectly natural, sometimes sublime.

Fire Raging On Idiot Creek

Thursday, July 15, 2021

If You Want To Visit Idiotville, Get Here SoonHow many times do I have to tell you I told you so? Is your attention span really that short? Were you homeschooled to achieve your level of implausibly clueless deniability? Jesus Christ, people. It must be nice to consider yourself an unpaid intern in...

Washington Football Team Named Best Named Racist Sports Franchise

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Racist Owner Is Honored For White Wing ActivismThe NFL franchise formerly known as the Redskins (after America’s penchant for making souvenirs of the scalps of native peoples who refused to go gently into that good night) recently rejected attempts to rename it the DC Dudleys, because Twitter users...

"Fuck DC," Says Rudy Giuliani

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

District Of Columbia Suspends Law LicenseLifelong sleazebag & America’s favorite ambulance chaser, Rudy Giuliani reacted strongly today when the District of Columbia suspended his law license for peddling unfounded conspiracy theory & undermining the integrity of US elections. This follows a similar...

Marjoe Greenegartner Slams Nazi Haters

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

“You Liberals Can Go Back Where You Came From!” Georgia Rep Shouts At Somebody Who Gets Paid To Repeat Her Dumb ShitAfter a July 4th celebraation where Georgia’s most intelligent representative even took off her riot helmet & flak jacket to go NRA-topless while greeting supporters, Marjorie Taylor...

NOAA Denies Planet Is Becoming More Like Venus

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Spokesman Misspoke When He Blamed NW Temperature On Heat RayThousands of Pacific northwesterners have been shocked to discover the life inurance policies of their loved ones do not cover climate change-related losses of life or limb. Agents says coverage available through the addition of  riders but...

Marco Rubio Calls For Common Sense Conservatism

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Urges GOP Putting The Working Class To Better UseWhile not mentioning the previous GOP occupant of the White House by name, Florida’s jive-ass junior Senator told Fox News the Republican Party is now positioned to take advantage of an “enormous opening & opportunity” to revise its narrative & rebrand...

Turdwaffle Denies Cutting Deal With FBI

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Hundreds Rounded Up At Ohio RallyAfter law enforcement officers rounded up more than 160 #AmericaFirst supporters on the roads leading to Wellington, Ohio, the former twice-impeached Nazi führer issued an e-mail statement condemning the action, seeking to distance himself from rumors that he had flipped...

911 Truthers Swarm Miami Condo Collapse

Friday, June 25, 2021

“Looks Like Another Controlled Demolition” Says QAnon SpokeswomanTaking time out from their feverish preparations for Donald J. Turdwaffle’s reinstatement as president of America First in August, the stylish fringe on the buckskin of America’s  freedumbocracy focused their special skills on the Champlain...

Sydney Bowell To Sue Billy J. Kramer & The Dakotas Claiming Copyright Infringement Of Sugar Ray Song

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

Court Filing Reveals Imaginary AssetsFormer Turdwaffle attorney of cole slaw Sydney Greenstreak Bowell claims that “even if an illegal judge & jury were to find me liable for the full amount of the Old Dominion voter fraud machine's ridiculous 2 billion dollar claim, I have that much lying around the...

Don Jr. Demands A Januteenth For American Patriots

Sunday, June 20, 2021

“Freedom Isn’t Just For Antifa & Black Lives Matter Anymore!” Former First Idiot Bastard Son Shouts In Empty Food Court At The Mall Of AmericaCiting polls no one has ever heard of, let alone fact-checked, Donald J. Trump, Jr. told a small vocal group of Juneteenth Day protest in Minnesota this morning...

NASCAR Condemns Critical Race Theory

Friday, June 18, 2021

Spokesmuffler Emily Litigationella Arrives Late To The Daytona Conversation

BLM Declares Black Fungus A Forest Product

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Harvesters Must Buy A PermitAmerica’s supply side plantation economy wasted no time finding a bright side to the Delta variant of COVID19 & the black fungus infestations that plague many of the survivors. The nation’s top economists are hard at work developing policies & procedures to ensure this new...

We're Running Out Of Caves!

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Being Woke Is The America’s Got Talent Of RapturesI gave up on popular culture when my Pet Rock died.

Was Reagan Right Or Did Nazi HIV As God's Wrath??

Friday, June 11, 2021

Christians Urge “Eliminating” Gays To Stop Spread Of COVID
Despite their abject failure to rid the planet of homosexuals & other enemies of their church-run state during the Reagan era, when they lobbied the Old Rummy against funding research into the prevention & cure of AIDS by calling it “The...

Marjorie Taylor Blames Big Guy For COVID-19

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

“I Don’t Believe In Evolution. I Believe in God!”
Fire Fauci Act author & Georgia’s favorite insurrectionist representative, Margarine “Say What?” Greene is drumming up support among the uneducated, unvaccinated, & unmasked to join her in urging the illegimately elected president to adapt the police...

Bush Tells Saddam To Leave Earth

Monday, June 7, 2021

THE TERROR CHANNEL by Carrie Nation Mathers 
Apocalypso Editor 
Pataphysical Military Service 
VALLEY FORGE (PMS) – Draped in an American flag and surrounded by illiterate children from one of President Fubar Bush’s favorite faith-based pre-schools with...

Marjorie Taylor Greene Demands Equal Time

Saturday, June 5, 2021

"No Fag Flags On My Watch!” Screams #FamilyValues LeaderThe Old Glory Only Act sponsor slammed antifa Socialist Democrats while also demanding more respect she does not deserve in a fiesty speech during a pole-dancing fund-raiser at the Lester Maddox Christian Family Forum on Saturday.
Greene took...

Kayleigh Maganinny Pours A Chill Cask Of Whine

Friday, June 4, 2021

Tries To Play Hacky PsakiPhox News trotted out several of its blonde bimbos this morning to complain that they never had time to get big media profiles because they were too busy doing the Lord’s work for Donald Trump.

King Ubu Jr. Mobilizes Olympic Denial Team

Friday, June 4, 2021

Dr. Phillip Pihl Hill
Consulting Enabler
Pataphysical Medical Syndrome
WASHINGTON (PMS) – To help the public refocus its attention on its reelection campaign war against John Kerry and the memory of JFK, National Sekurity Deviser Condomsqueezer Rice today...

Melania Claims Trump Quit Blog To Focus On August Reinstatement

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Trump Weighs Military OptionsAs the Cyber Ninja recount in Arizona continues to find new evidence that Democrat UFOs may have altered mail-in ballots in the November election, former president Donald Jefferson Turdwaffle has pivoted from baseless conspiracy theories of election fraud to questionable...

Farm Worker Fired For Improper Sunscreen Choice

Monday, May 31, 2021

Dismissed For Cultural Apppropriation
As woke & unwoke participants in Western civilization slowly come to grips with the lunacy of our past 4,000 years of human history, the culture wars have now even infiltrated the realms of workplace safety & anti-harassment regulations.
Pedro Dias Mechanica,...

Ted Bundy Theme Park To Open In Orlando

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

American Boogeyman To Capitalize On Bundy Franchising Bundy & Buddies, LLC, just unveiled a smorgasbord of Bundy goodies, for Americans who don’t mind getting down with their bad selves.
There’s By George Bundy, a new sandwich at Subway featuring dried pulled beef from range-starved cattle set free...

McRumsfeld Raped Over Iraq Prison Failure

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

By Tonya Wesley Harding
Disciplinary Writer
Pataphysical Metempsychosis Sacrament

WASHINGTON (PMS) – As new reports of prison executions in Afghanistan and Iraq (as well as thousands of missing enemy non-combatants) continue to surface following the release...

Evangelical Trumpers Call For Army Of The Dead Boycott

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Snyder Slammed For Graphic Late Term Abortion FootageThe religious right is crying foul over Zachary Taylor Snyder's latest entry into the zombie genre with a thinly-veiled retelling of the biblical creation story. “These goddamn liberals think they can do whatever they want now that they stopped us...

It's No Longer Enough To Be Reinstated

Friday, May 21, 2021

@DoctorFaustroll Has Earned A Blue CzechEvery knows the joke, right?

Why Can't We Call Twitter Users Twits...

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Without Being Suspended For Targeted Harassment?Questions, questions, questions, flooding into the mind of this unconcerned dying specimen today…

Neocondi Rice Lays Beaner Wreath

Monday, May 17, 2021

At The Tomb Of The Unknown ForeskinIt’s hard to believe that only 16 years & ~ 3 months ago, this blog noted how former National Security Advisor Condomsqueezer Rice laid a wreath at the well-lit entrance to the Tomb of the Unknown Foreskin, inside the Hall of Revisionism, at Nad Vashectumy Holocaust...

Have A Happy Imaginary Christmas Shopping Season

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Sedition December 1, 2008
I bought another GPS at a Gray SaturdayXmas Sale to double check the accuracy of my other GPSes that have yet to tell me exactly where I am, where I’ve come from, or where I am heading that contradicts...

Not Zune Enough If You Axe Me

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phlakes December 31, 2008
You have to admire Microsoft for its persistence in avoiding actually fixing anything in its terrible products as it marches ever onward, pushing a cartoon balloon of obfuscating speech in front of it, as Howard...

This Raises More Existential Trick Questions Than It Answers

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Are My Old Twitter Interns Now Monitoring My Blogs?After weeks of nothing from the twits, less than 6 hours after I posted a screenshot of my latest appeal of a suspension for “hateful conduct” by tweeting my usual warped & twisted humor on the virtual cave walls, during our current embrace of a global...

I Can Hardly Contain my Boner

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Do the sodomy statutes cover sex with underage animations?
Asking for the friend of a friend naned Joel
In Florida. You know how it goes.

Did Blagojevich And Palin Provide Octuplet Embroyos?

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 1, 2009
In yet another example of the liberal media playing gotcha journalism with beleaguered politicians, former Illinois Governor Rod “Arrrrr” Blagojovich was asked by e-mail today why he had yet...

Lon “Hell On Wheels” Cheney Threatens New Attacks

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 4, 2009
Clearly upset at Obama administration executive orders that will prevent him from accidentally shooting anyone in the face while hunting for spotted owls this year, former...

Is Anyone Doing The Math?

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynances, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 5, 2009
I can’t remember exactly when I noticed that math wasn’t important, but I think it was during the Reagan administration when Paul Fericano and I collaborated...

 Saddam To Be Targeted In Event Of War

Thursday, April 8, 2021

by Joshua Randall 
Mercenary Writer 
Pataphysical Militia Syndicate 
WASHINGTON (PMS) -— Saddam Hussein is featured on a series of new posters issued by the Drug Enforcement Agency and the National Terrorism Task Force as part of the Bush...

Elections Have Gun Control Consequences

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Biden Cites Good Guy Shortage
President Biden came out with guns blazing this afternoon as he announced executive action aimed at combatting the epidemic of gun violence that has gone unchecked since the early 1980s.
“We’ve allowed the NRA & the GOP to get away with their nonsense that the only...

I Have Arrived!

Monday, March 29, 2021

I Have Arrived! Although There’s Them Might Wonder How I Even Managed To Survive!
Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February  22, 2009
Last week while trying to become more popular amongst my dwindling cohort of peers, I built an apparatus at my home office work station that, when activated...

I’ve always liked the cold

Monday, March 29, 2021

It’s Where We’re All Heading, Like It Or Not
Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynality February 23, 2008
I grew up in New York City, and I fished in the winter for cod, pollock, mackerel, and shark out of small boats, mainly, on Long Island Sound. I camped...

This Should Have Been A Tweet

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Protestors Swarm MinnepolisNo coast racial elitists from America’s shit hole belt have descended on this beleaguered city to show their support for the former police officer accused of taking a knee during the Blue Lives Matter Irrational Anthem.

Knowing When To Quit

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Is Always A Good IdeaNo good can come of fighting on after you understand that we are all heading to the same place no matter who we ask for directions.Did you have a choice of the womb you were assigned to, or the continent on which that womb was located, or the assholes who claimed to govern the...

Are We There Yet?

Monday, December 7, 2020

The Election Of The Livid DeadWhen the fuck is somebody going to arrest these dumbfucks, already? We really need campaign finance reform & political propaganda that includes some restrictions on when the official promotion of dangerous horseshit can be prosecuted as a crime against the people. This...

Climate Crisis Awareness

Friday, September 20, 2019

The Global Climate Crisis Awareness First StrikeMaybe a few “responsible” American adults are finally waking up to the realization that their kids are fearless and honest enough to acknowledge what they’ve been experiencing in their short violence-soaked lives. The government won’t save us. Angry people...

Tasty Hates Cakes & Pies

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

What the hateful ateI was tweeting along minding my own business on Monday, when this happened. 
I’m used to semi-permanent shadow-banning on Twitter, and I routinely get sent to the penalty box for embracing the first amendment while savagely mocking the second, but the goons in the twit-pen have...

NRA-Assisted Suicide

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Like Jesus, Is Just #AltRightGun control has never worked in America because Americans are addicted to machines that provide leverage or entertainment, no matter how dire the consequences of owning or operating those machines turn out to be. Take the Internet.Oh, yeah, I see you already have.

Conduct Unbecoming Strikes Again

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

How Twitter Defines Hateful ConductI’m suspended from Twitter again. I’m either in Twitter timeout or Shadowbanned at least weekly, but I find this latest suspension the most fucking oxymoronic yet.
I can only assume that @jack and @TwitterSupport were offended that I was mocking some seriously...

Hamstrung Agonistes

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

One Day Plus 7 Hours Until All Heck Is UnleashedI am on many mailing lists because time is made to be wasted, and among the #BeBest time wasters has to be anything oozing from the House of tRump. Here’s one I got today from Son of Spanky.

People often ask me why I always wear a button that...

Spanky's Gang

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Deport Spanky’s Illegal Alien ChildrenWhen Spanky Ubu signs his executive order tearing up the 14th amendment and doing away with birthright citizenship, I hope ICE is prepared to sweep in & confiscate all of Der Donald’s children (with the exception of Tiffany) for being the illegal demon spawn of...

Why Twitter?

Monday, October 29, 2018

Why Twitter Can’t Ban Domestic TerroristsWhile @jack and his crew of #VeryFinePeople keep letting Nazis, white supremacists, Klan apologists and the Wannabe Führer of the United States threaten and intimidate ethnic minorities and average Americans with minority viewpoints, they find plenty of time...

Who Does Your Terror?

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

#MAGABomber Bombs on Big StageWhy will I not be surprised when the connection between Donald Spanky Trump and former male stripper and window sticker addict Cesar Sayoc end up being old acquaintances?I wonder if Trump Charities had Shorty Sayoc perform at Mar A Lago.

Climate Change For Bullets

Friday, December 1, 2017

Regulate Ammo Like Drink ContainersWhen I was a kid growing up in NYC, I remember condoms and turds floating in the East River and Long Island Sound, but still there was local opposition to the construction of sewage plants that slowly cleaned the waterways as the infrastructure was built out. This...

In the beginning

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Are we there yet?I was born an agnostic bastard. My father was a lapsed Catholic, my mother a Southern Baptist. They were born in New Jersey and Kentucky respectively. They met and married at Camp Campbell in Hopkinsville, KY, the nuptials conducted by a justice of the peace. After my father was discharged...

For Huddled Journalists Waiting To Be Free

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Now more than ever...…you need real fake press credentials to distinguish yourself from the corporate, social, and lame-stream media shills who have put the truth in a stranglehold since Reagan made that deal with the Iranians to hold off releasing the Muricans hostages until after Jimmy Carter was...


Sunday, September 3, 2017

Reflections on a dragon boogerBy now everyone has seen this odd video about the bryozoan from the Lost Lagoon in Vancouver, British Columbia, eh?

I came across it at Popular Science, which has an entertaining write-up.
What was news to me was that assholes can be either internal or external,...


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Do not normalize these deplorable scumbagsThe same irresponsible professional media that shamelessly sold #RussiantRumpRanger propaganda to more than 60 million ignorant, bigoted, cowardly Amerikan voters is now calling upon the outraged rational members of society not to further alienate the vicious...

Still Ain't Got No Papers

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Ain’t Got No Papers On MyselfOne of the great albums from the late sixties was Forever Changes by Love, and this is one of the great songs from that great album. It’s called “Bummer in the Summer."

There are quite a few other great songs on the album, but this one seems particularly relevant...

The Man In The White Castle

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

While the White House press whores snored...…we watched another episode of The Man In The High Castle, which is about what the United States would be like if Donald “Jerkwad” Trump had convinced Russia to invest in this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) in exchange for a cabinet of deplorables willing...

Bobby Brown Goes To Town

Monday, February 27, 2017

Donnie Drumpf Takes a DumpIf Frank Zappa were still alive, he’d still be working on the master idea behind the project object, maybe even recycle Dickie’s Such An Asshole, but I’d much rather see a contemporary version of Bobby Brown. Maybe Dweezil would give it a try.
Hey there, people, I'm Donnie...

Like Rats Through A Maze, So Go The Days Of Our Lives

Friday, February 24, 2017

Forty mice researchers will study...I was scanning a piece on the latest Space-X mission to the international space station (ISS) and my eyes suddenly fixed on these words: “40 mice researchers will study,” and my mind stuck right there. It could have misinterpreted ISS as ISIS and spiraled out into...

Product Liability Addiction

Thursday, February 16, 2017

In a previous life I was on the CIMA Product Safety CouncilIt was a much easier job than hanging turkeys at the Ralston Purina plant in Springdale, Arkansas. In fact, I don’t remember much about my duties or responsibilities beyond attending a couple of conferences and talking with other people who...

Morons And Their Jokes

Friday, January 27, 2017

A Little MoronismI don’t know why but whenever I think about the great American political system and how it has been continually spiraling into irrelevance since the late 60s, I start trying to remember exactly how the little moron joke goes. It was a joke I first heard while I was still in elementary...

How #Freedumbocracy Works

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Demilitarizing AmurikaThe day after Dysauguration Day, 2017, all of the so-called illegal voters who deprived King Ubu II of the Untied States of Hysteria the popular vote he so desperately longs for were joined by hundreds of thousands of potential illegal voters around the world to protest his installation...

Kancel Kulchur

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Is it time yet for shamer shaming?Has the whole world turned lapsed Catholic? Has Trumpism so firmly taken hold of our great NOMF™ that any unfiltered observation of something visible in the actual world must be condemned and the utterer attacked by mindless hordes of Demoblicans, Independpants, Lispetarians,...

Ammosexuality Is A Perversion

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Uncommonly sensible gun control suggestionsPut a 5 buck deposit on individual units of ammunition. It works to keep idiots from tossing as many bottles and cans from their car windows as they used to, and the homeless would have an additional source of income, cleaning up after drive-bys and good old...

XMas Carols

Monday, December 19, 2016

It’s beginning to sound like we like Auschwitz every time we voteNow that Trump has been twice chosen (first by the rubes in November and today by the rubes the earlier rubes hired to do their dirty work) and is soon to become our naked emperor, it appears that America is suddenly greater than ever...

The One Minute President

Saturday, December 17, 2016

The libtard media still doesn’t get itIf you had read The One Minute President back when the country was run by the wife of a guy with mid-life Alzheimer’s, you would have been far better prepared when the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) of which you are a dutiful citizen underwhelmingly voted to...

A Thousand Shits

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

The post that launched a million shitsHow do you feel about the new normal? When you put your legs on in the morning, do you lace them up one foot in front of the other? If a friend coins another tired cliché, who is the first member of your party to assign it a hashtag on Twitter? When you run out...