Take Care Of


The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat will take care of the rest


Eat beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. The more your toot. The more you toot, the better you’ll feel, so eat your beans at every meal.

Relax & Let Go

There’s nothing better than a warm soak in your own toots. We provide free nose plugs for those who have not lost their sense of smell after catching COVI.

Happy Endings

Our therapists are all hands-on specialists in their fields. There are few sensations as pleasurable as a bit of poking & stroking after a warm bath happily popping the flatulent bubbles.


We’re pretty certain this section contains a typographical error, but we’re unsure precisely what it is. We're sure it will come to us after we’ve taken a few more happy pills.

Why Visit Us?

What have you got to lose as the planet hurtles toward certain doom during the current global extinction event? You already tried voting for Donald J. Trump twice & yet American carnage has remained within the margin of error. Why not give complete annihilation a chance?

  • Relax & let go
  • Turn off your mind
  • Drink some mushroom tea
  • Smoke a little Craggy County Umber
  • Dance like everyone is watching
  • Do it all again tomorrow!