Son Of A Bitch Stole My Cave!
by William Bennett Serf
The Digressional Record
NEWSFLASH! Demoblican and Repugnicunt binary agents have been scrambling dispatches from the caves of Tora Tora Bora Dora. Here is the corrected version of the latest posting from literary terrorists opposed to Fubar's War of Error.
BUSH TO UNVEIL ERGONOMIC-STIMULUS PACKAGE
by Theodore McBundy
Jan 2 2003 8:05PM
CRAWLFORWARD, No Nude Taxes (PMS) – Attempting to dispel improbable rumors that he is capable of finding his ass using only the combined hands of his extended family and a staff of 150 wet nurses, President Bush said Thursday he will unveil a macrobiotic-stimulus package next week, promising a health and wealth care plan that will fit all Americans and rejecting criticism that his policies are tailored to help only the wealthiest twentieth of one percent of all Americans and an even smaller percentage of humans.
“I'm concerned about the wealth of all people,” Bush told reporters after a week-long tour of a state of the art medical research and sports complex built last year at his Texas ranch entirely through private contributions. “I understand the politics of automatic stem-cell stimulus, but some people want to turn it into class warfare, and I'll tell you just what I tell them: we're going to do right by what's best for the American people, and if we can't, then we'll lead a coalition of the willing to hunt them down and change their regimes.”
“What I'm worried about is job losses of the people who don't have them as well as health insurance and health care, and I'm worried about those who are unemployed and sick and uninsured, which makes them a burden to the rest of the nation, including those who suffer the most under the unfair tax burden of the tax and spend liberal agenda,” he said.
Before the blithering First Idiot was led from the room by a phalanx of Fatherland Security guards, he promised that his latest plan to save the agronomy would combine a coalition of the willing, tax cuts for Christian businesses, accelerated appreciation of campaign contributors, and an catatonic stimulus package for workers that will give every American his own “pot to piss in, loose shoes, and a warm place to undergo a yearly colonoscopy at his or her own expense.”