I Can Finally Get Back To Doing Science
Dr. Anthony “Two Thumbs Tony” Fauci is abandoning his responsibilities as director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) and chief medical adviser to president of the walking dead Joe “Brandon” Biden before the end of the year, resisting calls from Repugnicunt patriots in the liberal media that he recommend turning the nation’s infectious disease response efforts over to nimrod Deborah Birx, who allegedly survived three regimens of rectal photon radiation prescribed by former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donaldo Grabito Pussolini, and to date has not tested positive for any of the active or imaginary variants of COVID-19.
“While I am moving on from my current positions, I am not retiring,” Fauci said in a statement “After more than 50 years of attempting to convince the government that diseases have no national, religious, or sexual preferences, I plan to pursue the next phase of my career while I still have a nutsack full of energy and passion for science.”
While Fauci, 81, did not specify what the next phase of his ineffectual career would entail, he did not dispute recent reports that he had been offered a lucrative position as the director of the Wuhan Institute of Virology in China, which has yet to admit responsibility for the Democrat coronavirus hoax that Repugnicunts allege has resulted in the loss of more than one million registered uneducated right wing voters since 2019.
“I want to use what I have learned as NIAID director to continue to advance sience and public health and to inspire and mentor the next generation of non-partisan scientific leaders as they help prepare the world to face our imminent extinction while addressing known, unknown, and known unknown infectious diseases we have ignored because of our religious affiliations and sexual orientations for several centuries. Doesn’t anyone remember that God is not a faggot?” Fauci asked this morning, causing Steve Doocy to choke on Jeffrey Toobin’s dick.
Fauci launched his career at NIAID in 1968 as a remote rectal thermometer and has directed the institute since 1984, when he was tasked with convincing the American people that a sexually transmitted disease could have a sexual preference, back when AIDS was called GRIDS, for Gay Retrovirus Immunodeficiency Syndrome, which was viewed by America’s great uneducated religious class as God’s plan to wipe out the uppity population before it established a New World Order.
Fauci had advised seven presidents culled from among some of the worst America has to offer on HIV/AIDS over four decades and helped botch the U.S. response to several public health crises, including HIV/AIDS, Ebola, Zika, COVID-19, and American patriotism.
Oh. I’m sorry.
Did I get that wrong?