There was this thing called Today.com
…and between late summer 2008 and late May 2009, I produced a blog for them called Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs, which I later moved to Mac.com, until Apple shut down blog hosting and switched to cloud storage.
Today was an annoying click-troll site that paid bloggers based on page views with individual bloggers grouped by subject matter, such as mommy-blogging, asshole-blogging, scumbag-blogging, dipshit-blogging, poopadoodle-blogging, money-making-blogging, craft-blogging, and other boring topics of interest only in a nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™).
I can’t remember what category I chose to be included in, not that it mattered. There was no pataphysical category. In fact, there were few vaguely imaginative categories, and surely no imaginary ones, which is where I prefer to hang out, listening in on what the real people out there cluster around like cloud of inquisitive flies checking out a new fetid fragrance.
Blogging with Today.com was like running a printing press at UNC, Chapel Hill (“A pat of butter bobbing in a sea of grits”) where the bossman (a LaPierre, by the way, and I’m tempter to say of spiritual if not genetic relation to the NRA guy, who seems to believe that anyone who picks up a gun with the intention of killing someting could actually be called a good guy…where was I?) believed the way to motivate underpaid employees was to pit them against each other with an Employee of the Month certificate displayed behind glass just inside the employee entrance, because that’s the American Way!
Whenever I encounter a particularly obnoxious crowd control method (and lord knows it is hard to avoid mindfucks and buttreams in this increasingly Great Again America of ours), I like to diddle with it and make it so uncomfortable and embarrassing to maintain, that the huckster illusion of importance and value to be gained by of the latest offensive carrot or stick approach is so quickly diminished that it is suddenly retired, with no exlanation or fanfare, as the company returns to its non-existent core values, while middle-management gathers at a retreat to develop a new and even more degrading reward system for the proles.
While writing for Today.com, I discovered that I could generate large numbers of page views by blogging about how insignificant my penis was. In fact, once I settled on my insignificant penis as one recurring theme for Dr. Faustroll to ramble about, as he wrote the wrongs, my blog quickly rose up the list of most visited sites, which, of course, got me fired.
I like being fired. It reinforces my conviction that I don’t really belong anywhere, because I don’t believe in anything or anyone, and I don’t particularly like people, except to fuck with, as Hungry Chuck Bukowski often wrote.
I mention this because I recently came across a trove of Today.com material that I had completely forgotten about. Going forward, Today will resurrect that #alt_juvenile material.
I’ll probably put most of the stuff in this collection, but some may fit better in one of the other blogs. In fact, I am tempted devote an entire blog just to posts about my insignicant penis. There was a lot of it. Pun intended.
Who knows, I may just corner the SEO market for tiny dick jokes.
How does #PenisDementia sound?
Yes, I know you can’t comment yet, but the email link does work, and so far there’s still a possible future.