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Ethan Frome Crumbley Gets Public Defender

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Crumbley Parents Hire The Kraken, Tell Son To Bugger OffJust how Crumbley can these assholes get?
And the walls came crumbleying, crumbleying…

Dick The Halls With Lots Of Folly

Monday, December 6, 2021

Barron Punks Family With X-Rated X-Mas CardFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & pontificating prick Donald J. Turdwaffle could not be reached for comment this morning amid rumors that his youngest son, Barron von Munchmouser, has defected to antifa & is dating Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. 

Turdwaffle Denies Everything

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Claims Executive PrejudiceAs the reality of his continued unencumbered existence begins to weigh on humanity’s hope for a survivable future, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Russian pissaholic Donald J. Turdwaffle interrrupted his regularly scheduled phone rant to his rabidly athletic...

Rittenhouse To Open Paladin Protective Services

Friday, November 19, 2021

Files To Trademark Slogan “Have AR15s Will Travel”Fresh off his victory over the rule of law in Kenosha, Wisconsin, wannabe NRA spokesteen Kylie Rittenhouse announced he is opening his own security company named Paladin Protective Services, after the 1950s television character made famous by Richard...

The Next Time Some Nimrod Claims Somebody Should Have Seen This Coming

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Point Needledick The Bugfucker to Carl’s Sagan’s Testimony in 198519 fucking 85.
And he suggests it may already be too late.
In 1985.
Meanwhile, we continue to squabble about preserving jobs in the very sectors making the planet uninhabitable.
Oh nation of miserable fucks that has...

Ben Crump: This Is Not A Jury Of Ahmaud Arbery's Peers

Friday, November 5, 2021

But Arbery Isn’t On Trial, The Honkies AreFormer twice-impeached unindicted conspirator & alleged Individual 1, Donald J. Turdwaffle called into every teabagging nutjob radio show in his MAGAfied United States on Friday to scold black protestors who call the 11 to 1 white to black jury another example...

Facebook Rebrands Itself As METAstasized

Thursday, October 28, 2021

But You Can Call Them MetaI had first misheard the announcement on the car radio. There was talk about the metaverse & metaphors & your personal metadata, which Facebook is noted for harvesting. I would have sworn they said “Mazeppa,” which is a much, much better name.

Megyn Kelly Claims Woke Teachers Trying To Demasculate Straight White Boys

Friday, October 22, 2021

Screams Bloody Murder Out Her WhateverFormer Fox and NBC anti-evolution propagandist Megyn Kelly went on the Internet this week to podcast her displeasure that other people don’t think as perfectly as she does, claiming her private school was teaching third-grade boys that it’s OK to chop their nutsacks...

Human Remains Found Near Brian's Laundry

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Tentatively Identified As Jimmy HoffaGotcha.
Again.

Trump Threatens To Sue Americans Who Voted For Biden

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

I Worked 4 Years To Buy Those VotesFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle is threatening to file the nation’s first reverse class-action suit on behalf of the office of the president of the United States, which he claims was wrongfully stolen from him.
He is seeking...

Supply-Side Plantation Owners Blames Biden For Supply Chain Failures

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Maybe This Whole Reagan Legacy Ain’t Such A Great IdeaEnd of story.

Turdwaffle Demands Biden Reinstate Him

Friday, October 8, 2021

It’s Our Duty To Protect Executive Privilege, Joe!Hours after President Biden refused America’s favorite former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s request to protect records relating to his failed January 6 insurrection, the wannabe führer released his own executive order commanding Biden...

Shipping Company Blames Godzilla For Pipeline Rupture

Thursday, October 7, 2021

It Wasn’t Us, Says Rotterdam Express OwnerAs US fossil fuel  companies close ranks to protect their lucrative stanglehold on the fate of the planet by finding someone beyond themselves to blame for California’s latest catastrophic oil spill, Hapag-Lloyd is not playing their game.
The company owns...

Former President Still Refuses To Concede

Monday, October 4, 2021

"They Forced Me Out. I Did Not Leave Of My Own Discord”Twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around Nazi asshole Donald J. Turdwaffle has responded to recent subpoenas and requests for depositions in various legal proceedings against him by doubling-down on his baseless & unproven claims...

SD Gov. Noem Denies Fucking Corey Lewandowski

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

I Hardly Know The Fellow, In Any Sense Of The WordProclaiming her love for husband Lord Byron Noem, Viscount Of Süd Douché, South Dakota Governor Christi Noem took to Twitter in the early hours to counter rumors that she is engaged in a months-long sexual relationship with disgraced Repugnicunt humanoid,...

Instagram & Facebook Deny Involvement In Missouri High School Slavery Petition, Add Prayer Tools

Saturday, September 25, 2021

Students Hope To Reinstituting Slavery will Solve America’s Race & Labor Shortage Problems
Students in Riverside, Missouri, won the deplorable approval of former president Turdwaffle yesterday when he told Sean Hannity “our very fine people continue trying to make America great again, can’t you...

Karen Calls Cops As Gorilla Chows Down On His Gay Brother

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Someone Told Me It’s All Happening At The ZooWelcome to the monkey house, again. Is it time for some ethical birth control by letting these gorilla bros chow down on each other?
Looks like Billy The Nothinghead has infiltrated the Bronx Zoo and even turned two of the zoo’s most notorious primate...

Megyn Kelly Is Tired Of Liberals Ragging On Her Bony Ass

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

She Knows She Went From Rags To BitchingStewing in the juices of her own creation, former failed Fox and NBC newshooker Megyn Kelly is tired of being called an anti-vaxxer by liberal assholes simply because she doesn’t think kids should be vaccinated with an unproven drug to combat a preventable infectious...

NRA Proposes Solution To Climate Change

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Recommends Issuing Every American A Personal Flotation Device, Body Armor, & an AR15 With 1200 Rounds Of Armor Piercing Ammo“You can never be too prepared to defend yourself against all eventualities,” says anonymous source close to fugitive NRA leaders hiding from process servers. 
“We only want...

Bizarre Pig-Faced Shark Found Dead In Mediterranean Holding Tank

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Critical Race Theory Proven Right AgainA rare pig-faced angular roughshark considered to be a complete and total fabrication by white supremacists who consider reality to be rigged by liberals was found floating belly up in a Mediterranean petting zoo this morning. 

Long thought to be a...