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Satan To Sue Apple Over Trademark Flap

HELL (YU) — Attorneys for the deceased founder of the Church of Satan have filed notice with the San Francisco department of public works of his intention to pursue a slander suit against Apple Computer, the company that ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II. 

In early January, Apple Computer Inc. and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BATF) had blockaded the Church of Satan Web site in northern Idaho after reports that church members were stockpiling Cauzin strip readers and obscene Hypercard stacks. Officials for the Idaho Child Protective Services (CPS) suspected two surviving offspring of Branch Davidian martyr David Khoresh who were serving as Webdominatrix and Webslave were involved.

While spokeswomen for Apple and the government claim the withholding of food, water, and basic utilities from the group was not intended to silence their message, critics claim that Apple, who reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh and bases much of its brand value on eschewing idolatry was offended by the use of its slogan: “Think different” and was acting “like its shorts was riding up its ass.”

That slogan had been tattooed on the abdomen of the exhumed corpse of Anton Szandor LaVey, a digital photo of which greeted visitors to the Church of Satan home page, until last Friday when hackers vandalized the site, replacing the “Made with Macintosh” Web badge with an “Intel Inside” logo.

LaVey gained fame in 1967 as the first gay lion-tamer in San Francisco who had started his own church. He starred in Roman Polanski's Rosemary Baby, and often presided over cabinet meetings during the Reagan administration.

Webdominatrix Labilla Vernon Wanker built the site on a Macintosh iMac, and the server runs on a ten-year old Mac SE but she said she'd been told to stop using the Apple trademarks when a Bradley tank carrying a squad of lawyers burst through her garage and crushed her autistic twin daughters.

“Artistic!” Wanker corrected. “Artistic!"

An Apple spokeswoman declined to comment in any manner on the matter, except to say that it is committed to bringing the best personal computing experience to students, educators, creative professionals and consumers around the world through its innovative hardware, software and Internet offerings.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Monday, June 18, 2001