All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Mysterious Repeating Radio Signal Detected From Space - Study


QAnon Claims The Message Comes From God

The jury is out on what, if anything, the fast radio bursts (FRB) occasionally detected coming from deep space portend. Are they natural phenomena, the result of normal nuclear reactions? Are they warning messages from the Weyland-Yutani Nebula, or greetings from the Interstellar Draft Board, informing us that the President of the Federation needs us to do our duty and die for him?

Radio astronomers refer to very short bursts of radio pulses as FRBs and have long thought they are the by-product of enormous releases of energy, as happens during nuclear bomb detonations.

According to top-secret reports I have no access to, a normal FRB indicates a release of energy in a few milliseconds or less equivalent to what our sun releases between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. 

Although the first FRB was only identified in 2007, concerned scientists have now discovered more than three dozen FRBs, including several that appears to pulse on a regular, predictable basis. The most recent discovery was a group of three short burst, followed by a pause for one beat, before repeating, almost like a chant at a college football game.

The US has denied conducting nuclear tests in deep space, and Russia refuses to answer the phone since its botched invasion has turned into a quagmire. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat has never conducted a nuclear test anywhere in the known universe.

But that doesn’t mean former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the only one-term president who lost the popular vote, even with assistance from Russia, Grabito Pussolini, or his 72 million voting-age brown shirts don’t already have irrefutable opinions “on exactly what these signs from Jesus mean,” said one impotent person whose name I can’t mention to avoid a libel lawsuit.

“Anyone with ears can hear what God is saying,” dickless continued, “He’s saying: ‘Lock her up! Lock her up!”