All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Iraq's New Puppet Introduced At G8 Summit


Adam Smythe

Petrol Procurement Editor

Pataphysical Megacolonic Syndicate


SWEET PEA ISLAND, GA. (MPS) - President Ubu, declaring that world leaders were “ ulling" for Iraq's new president, joined a demonstration of a prototype Punch and Judy show featuring the latest western installed leader where Ubu demanded an expanded NATO role in trying to stabilize the country at a Group of Eight summit Wednesday. NATO, who currently has no official presence in legitimatizing the American occupation of Iraq, said it would consider sending two insurance adjustors and a bomb-sniffing dog. 

Ubu and his only Iraq war ally, British Prime Minister Tony Baloney Blair, had a breakfast crepes and frog legs while examining a mock-up of Iraq’s new president, Pinocchio al-Khaline, who will make his first appearance on the world stage this evening when he performs a selection of his poetry for Ubu and business leaders with ties to Afghanistan, Bahrain, Jordan, Tunisia, Turkey and Yemen. He will then be asked to perform certain intimate favors for the other G8 leaders as part of an elaborate initiation ritual closed to the public. 

“I'm going to tell him we're up here pulling for him, pulling for the people of Iraq, particularly those who have a deep desire to live in a free Christian society, such as the one we proscribed to them as coalitioning willingness givers, and not them few bags of rotten apples who hate democracy because they are evil ones," Ubu said as he stood with Blair massaging his upper thighs after their talks. 

"I'm going to thank him for having the fortitrude and courageousity to stand up on his hind legs and lead the way to where we tell him to so that America will help him to help himself as it says in the Constitution and the Ten Commandments of Rights." 

Blair expressed admiration that Iraqis had managed to assemble so many well-crafted marionettes in such a short time, despite the ongoing violence and total breakdown of social order since the massive Shock and Awe bombing campaign accidentally killed 20 to 30 thousand civilians.

"There is a capability that is there at the moment, but we know there are gaps in that capability and we are there to help them and make sure the Iraqis ultimately can take care of their own puppetry and other entertainments so necessary for the spirit of democracy and freedom to take root," Blair said. 

A new U.N. Security Council resolution passed unanimously Tuesday that formally ending the occupation on June 30 while leaving the task of cleaning of the mess in Iraq to the American people under the market-based doctrine of “you break it, you buy it.” 

Bush said he would tell the new Iraqi president that "when we say transfer of full sovereignty, we mean transfer of full sovereignty within the scope of whatever full sovereignty means according to what the lawyers tell us, which we won’t always agree with or even follow, as in the case of the unfortunate torture caused by a few bad apples who are a disgrace to the orders they followed. And I’m sure the Iraqanese people will help pay for the costs of the freedom and democracy and full warranty that comes with the sovereignty that they asked for and we provided." 

He and the other leaders "must make wise decisions on behalf of the Iraqanese people until such times as their own leaders can make wise decisions on their behalf." 

Negotiators from the G8 countries — the United States, Britain, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Canada and Russia — were working to complete the details of an initiative urging Arab and Muslim leaders in the Middle East and North Africa to adopt democratic reforms and renounce Islamic extremism in even its moderate forms