All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Killian Wrote Kiss UP Letter To Goober's Dad


Hymen "Rip" Thorn

Fabrications Director

Pataphysical Counterinsurgency Center


WASHINGTON (PCC) — A another packet of Texas Air National Guard records surfaced today, discovered in the wall of an apartment once rented by former Democratic congressman Gary Condom. The records were found in a beer can and contained a letter from the commanding officer of President Bush's basic training unit addressed to former First Idiot George Herbet Hoover Bush praising his son as a hero and "one of the finest young men I've ever had the pleasure to meat (sic)."

Bush's father, then a congressman from Texas, thanked the commander in a three-page reply, saying, "That a major general in the Air Force would take interest in a brand new unknown Air Force trainee makes me quite proud and appreciative, knowing that such unsolicited praise for my son may one day surface to show people the real person he is behind that sly smirk and help guide this nation through times of peril." 

Bush went on to say that his son “will be the number one gung ho-est member the Texan Air Force has ever seen" and that drill instructors had "helped awaken the very best instincts in my son to lead him along the path of greatness and self-sacrifice in the service of goodness and mercy against the forces of evil." 

The elder Bush's letter and other material were the latest in a stream of fabricated documents released to obscure the fact that Bush received preferential treatment as the son of a congressman and U.N. ambassador during the Vietnam War. Critics have also demanded to know why Bush skipped a required medical examination in 1972 and failed to show up for drills during a six-month period that year when he was supposed to be in Alabama. 

The White House originally said all of Bush's Guard records consisted of a phone message for a missed dental appointment, a parking ticket in Montgomery, and a blurred photographed that purports to show Bush climbing into the cockpit of a fighter jet. All other records, Bush spokespeople have insisted for months, were destroyed in several unsolved arson attacks that occurred in 1998 when Bush was preparing to run for President against Al Gore. But since early July more than two Ryder truckloads of records have surfaced, many of them to the embarrassment of the Bush reelection campaign. 

The incredible story took an even more bizarre turn last week when CBS revealed documents obtained from presidential advisor Karl Rove, who insisted on anonymity, that it said showed Bush refused orders to take a physical examination in 1972. The next day, however, Rove called the documents a hoax and suggested that newsman Dan Rather was "acting like an enemy combatant, and we'll have to look into what's going on over at Sixty Minutes."

In addition to the exchange of letters, the latest documents contain several news releases that the Texas Air National Guard sent to Houston newspapers in 1970 about young Bush, then a second lieutenant and new pilot. "George Bush is one member of the younger generation who doesn't get his kicks from pot or hashish or speed," the news release said. "Oh, he gets high, all right, but not from narcotics. He's high on God and country, and he's in the sky defending against the evil ones." 

The records were contained in a tall Schlitz can whose top had been removed, so investigators were unable to determine the exact age of the can. Many tall Schlitz cans from the early 1970s still had superscripted letters embossed into the area around the tab-top opening telling consumer to properly dispose of the container and to drink responsibly.