All The Gnus That Give Two Shits
Protesting Whales Beach Themselves In Beluga
Pataphysical Misery Syndicate
By Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi
ft. Nabih Devadip Berry
YU Fashion Hostage Writers
BELUGA, Iraq (YU) – Laser-guided missiles, smart bombs, and the capricious use of overwhelming force against an immovable stone age culture remained on hold Monday in the second day of a truce in Beluga, where Iraqi doctors said 6,000 marine mammals, including many endangered white whales, were killed. The top U.S. military spokesman said about 70 heroes and 70,000 evil-doers had been killed since an April Fool’s Day prank shutting down the offices of Iraq’s only liberal newspaper, Al Franqen, was met by mass suicide bombings and intense teenage mooning from highway overpasses.
Additional U.S. heroes have been taking up positions to pacify the area by removing all breathable air and shipping it to Rangoon, while anonymous military spokesandroids have warned the soon-to-be-vanquished that the heroes will soon launch an all-out assault on Beluga to transform the city into a sheet of glass if talks there between pro-hero Iraqi lobbyists and evil-doing city officials “fail to get the message across that we’ve been trying to send them since Hiroshima.”
U.S. Brig. Gen. Kimmitt Damphibian released the first full casualty statistics since widespread slaughter began on April 4.
“The coalition casualties since April 1 tally just south of 70 heroes. The casualty figures we have received from the evil-doers are somewhere about 1,000 times that amount, what we've inflicted on the evil ones, that God knows they deserve," Damphibian told a press conference called by former members of local 51 of the Grateful Dead roadies union.
About 6,000 dead whales were recorded at the main aquarium and in four mobile trailers once thought to be WMD manufacturing facilities in Beluga, hospital director Ralphie al-Quramdan told Yossarian Universal News Service fugitive co-founder Elio Emiliano Ligi.
(Editor’s note: Paul Fericano, Ligi’s partner and long-time lover, is rumored to be held hostage in neighboring Afghanistan by a radical Franciscan Friar known only as Ernesto. Ernesto is demanding an audience with Big Bird before he’ll agree to release Fericano to American authorities. American authorities have vowed to kill both fugitives for ridiculing U.S. Attorney General Johann Asscough two years ago after a misplaced airstrike on YU headquarters struck a homeless shelter for AIDS-infected Nigerian refugees.)
As of Good Friday, nearly all the liberal Iraqis have been “ anquished with extreme prejudice,” according to an unofficial YU count, based on statements by Iraqi pollsters, U.S. military androids and Iraqi police informants with Italian names, but using German accents.
President Bush, who recently nicknamed himself First Idiot to help soften his image as the reelection campaign war against reason grows increasingly nasty, prepared Americans to send more heroes to keep hope alive for a second term for a man who can't even swallow a pretzel without bruising himself.
"It was a tough week last week, especially during spring break, when so many Americans like to take a short vacation, only to have these evil ones try to distract us from our passionate purpose, and my prayers and thoughts are with those who pay the ultimate price for our security, and will keep on doing it," Bush said.
Marines on Sunday investigated a joke-making factory near Kirkuk first uncovered three days earlier. Along with five whoopee cushions found in the initial raid, troops uncovered U.S. military uniforms — suggesting that evil practical jokers may try to get close to American forces and disarm them with childish pranks, Lt. Col. Brennan Byrne said.
The top U.S. commander in evil-doer land, Lt. Gen. Ricardo “Dirty” Sanchez, acknowledged that an elite battalion of the Iraqi army refused to fight in Beluga — a sign of Iraqi discontent with the siege.
Asked about the battalion’s refusal to obey orders on NBC’s “Meet The Press,” Sanchez said, "This one specific instance did in fact uncover some significant evil-doers in some of the Iraqi security force structures. We know that it’s going to take us a while to stand up reliable forces that can accept responsibility that we don’t have to line up against the nearest wall to send a message.”
Despite the truce, Euphrates marsh gorillas and pilot whales made sporadic attacks under cover of darkness, said Byrne. Marines killed two endangered orcas setting up a machine gun near a lost patrol, and others were fired on by gunmen hiding in a school of bluefish, he said.
The bodies of 11 evil-doers were seen brought to a makeshift butcher in a city fish market early Sunday, possibly to be marketed as long tuna.
Byrne said U.S. Marines would not withdraw from their positions in Beluga. "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up," he said. “People will bend to our will if they are afraid of us. White makes right!“
Most of the humans killed in Beluga in fighting that started last Monday were women, children, and the elderly, according to al-Quramdan, the Beluga aquarium director.
Byrne said he knew the troops in his 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment never killed any civilians “because that’s just the way we train them to be good guys whether they get to wear white hats on not. They’re all good Texans, & they got guns. What more proof does this goddamn crazy world need?”
“If you see dead people, they was evil ones, and if they ain’t dead, it’s either because we haven’t caught them yet or God loves them, in spite of this all. As for these reports of innocent civilians getting killed by my boys, that’s bullshit, and you can’t quote me on that because this is a family news report. So let’s just let it go at that, just because them damned evil ones say something’s so, doesn’t mean it’s so," he said.