All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Great News For American Consumers


When Life Gives You Black Fungus, Make An Omelet!

Despite what former president Donut Jay Turdwaffle e-mailed to every social media user yesterday, do NOT inject yourself with Spectracide if you are diagnosed with the Delta variant of COVID19. It will not prevent you from developing black fungus should you survive the airborne infection. In fact, injecting fungicide may likely kill you, no matter how healthy you were before you refused to social distance, wear a fucking a mask, or get vaccinated, because you were raised to believe being one of many in a bag of hammers beats the hell out of having a brain.

On the other hand, all is not doom & gloom, as Dr. Tony “Two Thumbs” Faustie is willing to tell anyone dumb enough to listen. Chief dietitian at The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat, Dr. Faustie also runs the clinic cafes, which specialize in zombie-Christian fusion cuisine.

“My family is descended from a catapult wedding between Princess Agaricales of Helms Seep & Testicles, principal owner & head chef at Mithridates & Ozymandias of Thebes, a vegan restaurant focusing almost exclusively on hallcinogenic fungi dishes. Some of our favorite dishes incoporate black fungus,” the chef smiled, nibbling on a handful of dried Liberty caps. “M&O’s slogan was: Our food will not kill you, but it will make your farts so wickedly painful, you may wish they had.”

“I know some people might get squeamish about eating fungus harvested from the corpses of COVID victims, but fungi are equal opportunity omnivores. They will digest anything. We serve a wonderful dish designed around Phoenix Oysters that are grown on petroleum-soaked grasses after the routine oil tanker disaster. You have no idea what any mushroom you eat has been grown on, unless you grow it yourself.” 

“The point is,” Tony Two Thumbs continued, “I’ve already eaten an omelet made with black fungus harvested in Punjab. It was delicious. Don’t let the pollyannas scare you off from this affordable gourmet delight! It’s way better than lemonade!”