All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Ivanka Denies Hiring Herself To Manage 2017 Inauguration


“I’m Too Smart To Have Hired Me,” Fallen Princess Testifies

While visiting a homeless camp near her Indian Creek home this week, Ivanka Turdwaffle took time out from administering hydroxychloroquine shots to coronavirus-hoax victims to dismiss rumors that she lied during her December 2020 deposition in a lawsuit resulting from the 2017 inauguration.

The Turdwaffle Organization, the Turdwaffle International Hotel, and Turdwaffle’s 2016 inaugural committee were sued in January 2020 for allegedly funneling large amounts of charitable donations directly to the Turdwaffle family through exorbitant rates charged by the hotel.

As one of the highest-ranking nepotistic employees of the Turdwaffle empire, Ivanka was compelled to answer questions under oath about her involvement in planning & conducting the extremely profitable non-profit event, which is rumored to have enriched the Turdwaffles in excess of $15 billion, must of it from uneducated Turdwaffle supporters.

Asked if she was involved in planning the inauguration, the former First Daughter & Favorite Presidential Squeeze responded that she “didn’t have any involvement” in the actual work. “I was managing the inauguration,” she stated, “the way I manage everything. Would I hire anyone like me to handle something as important as an inauguration? Of course not. That’s a rhetorical question. See how good I am at this?”

Ivanka bristled at the mention of “ haritable contributions," dismissing the lawyer who uttered the words with a curt: “We don’t do charitable crimes anymore. The courts won’t let us! No Turdwaffle is dumb enough to try the same scam twice. That’s how people get caught. Take my dad, for example.”

When confronted with indisputable evidence that she was integral to “the decision-making for various aspects of the inauguration, including even the menus for events,” Ivanka responded: “Really? I did not know that. You appear to be quite bright, but you unfortunately have faulty evidence. Did I ever ask myself to bring me coffee while planning was going on elsewhere that never involved me or my husband? Who am I to say?  I may have asked myself to make coffee now & then, but who hasn’t? On my honor, that was the full extent of any illegal activity I did not know about during the planning of the inauguration.”