All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Karl Icon Launches Proxy Fight With McDonald's Over Treatment Of McRibs


McRibs Piglets Are Genetically Modified To Produce Tiny Boneless Rib-Like Meat Product

Vowing to change the way American meat by-products are produced, meta financier Karl “King” Icon has nominated two allies for election in 2022 in hopes to return our nation of miserable fucks to a kinder and gentler time when animals were raised on farms, slaughered, and sold to supermarkets who train stock clerks how to butcher and package the animals the way we like them.

In recent years, much of America’s meat is grown in laboratories or genetically modified to produce mutated creatures best suited for the kinds of meals they are intended to provide ingredients for.

The most obvious example of this trend is the domestic turkey, which is bred to be so dumb that many of them drown in thunderstorms from staring up at the sky with their beaks wide open. They also have ginormous tits that can be formed into meat rolls to be used as cold cuts, and the tougher bits are excellent in soups and stews.

The McRib carries this to extremes that Icon finds offensive. “How can you call yourself a responsible consumer,” Icon asks rhetorically, “when you support a fast food choice that forces industry to raise tiny legless piglets with tiny little heads that are really just a soft cartilaginous cylinder of harvestable meat slabs encasing the offal, just for the ease of processing? It’s inhumane.”

“Animals are the one thing I feel really emotional about,” Icon was egregiously misquoted by YU News reporter Amanda Huffenpuff, who only spoke on condition of anonymity, so we will not report what she said.