All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Doomsday Variant Discovered In January 6th Detainees


CDC Downplays Variant Name, Blaming Intern

A routine screening of the more than 600 January 6th rioters held at the Earl Butz Memorial Fairgrounds awaiting trial for treason has revealed that nearly 80% were infected with a unique strain of brain-eating COVID, dubbed The Doomsday Variant by Harriet Nelson, an unpaid intern in epidemonology from Aleister Crowley Community College in nearby Alexandria.

Unnamed sources close to the root of all evil say there is no need for alarm because few of the detainees have much edible brain matter for the Doomsday variant to consume. “It should burn itself out in a couple of days, with the rioters no worse for wear,” said Paul Fericano, a deep state operative for the Centrists For Disease Control, speaking on condition of extreme anonymity.

Ms. Nelsen has been placed on paid leave pending an investigation into whether she violated her NDA.