All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Death Row Executions By Firing Squad Can Now Be Carried Out In South Carolina


NRA Partners With Prison Industrial Complex In Bold New Initiative To Improve Morale Among The Proudly Uneducated

South Carolina is poised to begin providing televised and online streamed executions by firing squad, the state’s Department of Final Corrections announced in Clemson’s Death Valley this morning. 

“Today, we’re so proud to announce our incredible partnership with the NRA, The South Carolina Education Lottery, and the South Carolina Economic Developers’ Association,” gushed Final Corrections Director Luis Sierra, in rolling out the Palmetto state’s innovative new Incorrigible Terminal Care Remediation (SCITCR) program. Some might call it “bleeding edge.”

Like so much of America, South Carolina had been planning to offer public executions as a new income stream that did not involve raising taxes since the Reagan administration, when the One Minute Method replaced the Constitution as our supply-side Contract On America’s divinely-inspired policies and procedures justifying the ways of God to Man.

“We've heard it all,” Sierra told a throng of influencers on hand to evaluate Clemson’s incoming crop of blue-chip recruits, “the alleged human rights violations involved in putting these scumbags to sleep, that executions are cruel and unusual punishment, that you can’t kill everyone, that criminals are people too. Some of them may even be innocent.

“But no one ever talks about the economic opportunities,” Sierra continued, “that commercial executions on an industrial scale could offer to this declining nation as we emerge from a two-year culling of the weakest and most vulnerable, who seldom contribute much, if at all, to our robust Christian society. This plan builds on economies of scale and offers the kind of win-win outcomes that most Americans can’t resist.

"Look at us. Have you ever seen a sorrier collection of whining know-nothings, do-nothings, offer-nothings, hate-everythings than our current nation of miserable fucks? We are circling the drain, people, and have been since 1863, when we first abandoned the supply-side plantation economy of our Founding Fathers.

“If we don’t turn things around pretty soon, if we can’t pick ourselves up by our bootstraps with both oars in the water,” Sierra concluded, “and dust ourselves off by medivac to an undisclosed location, where we can see the truth shining through loopholes so large you can drive a People’s Convoy through it, then we deserve the shitstorm that’s coming.”

I admire the chutzpah it takes to advocate killing for sport a segment of our population fortunate enough to be born into our community police state meant to protect what “That’s white of you” means in an entertaining game of chance with a portion of all receipts going toward public education in classrooms from which all the interesting books have been confiscated by the same kinds of people who come up with solutions to prison over-crowding like this one.

We have hundreds, if not tens of thousands, of poor and unconnected people on death row.  With the proper marketing and the right people in charge of Human Resources, we could turn enough profit perhaps to grow the business for future generations.

Reliably sources tell me there’s a waiting list of more than 1 million eligible adults who are willing to pony up $100 in a raffle for a chance to be one of six lucky NRA members to carry out the execution of some bad guy on Tillman Field, in Clemson, perhaps during an afternoon ROTC drill.

Recent polling indicates 65% of Americans would be willing, without hesitation, to execute death row inmates and other dangerous or annoying thugs to make room for pedophiles, abortion providers, transgender athletes, Democrats, and people critical of American racism, at least in theory.

The NRA declined official comment to a question we never posed, but an unnamed source occasionally deep up the ass of NRA President Wayne LaPierre admitted: “This has Wayne’s tiny jiz-covered paws all over it. Have you seen the ads?

“For Christ’s sake,  offering people who’ve been cooped up for two years, the opportunity to pop a few caps off in some dudes or dudettes who actually deserve it whilte supporting education and economic development at the same time as you rebuild a demoralized NRA membership who no longer feel like the good guys? Are you kidding me? It’s fucking genius. It’s a fucking gold mine!”

A few liberal do-gooder groups have expressed shock and outrage at the SCITCR program, claiming it’s a disgusting blood sport disguised as a public service that violates the rights of American inmates. According to recent polls involving the killing of people, whatever the reason, Americans couldn’t give less of a shit about human life if you paid them better.

While lethal injection is still the preferred method of putting down an uncivilized cur in our great country, some manufacturers have been reluctant in recent years to supply the drugs to kill that certain someone legally.

Meanwhile, courts remain reluctant to reinstitute electrocution, submersion, impaling, griddling, flaying, or drawing and quartering as viable alternatives. The result has been significant over-crowding in the nation’s most desirable Death Rows.

Fortunately, none of this matters. The program is destined to be a great success according to the advance press reports we’ve read. If you act soon, you may win a chance to blow the brains out of a convicted criminal in South Carolina, just by joining the NRA and becoming the kind of good guy, America always hoped you’d become.

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