"This Guy Embarasses Me,” Says State Mascot

Sunshine State governor RegeneRon DeSantis may be a shoo-in for the 2024 Repugnicunt presidential nomination, but #FloridaMan is not impressed.

Best known for his arrest after calling 911 to report a kitten getting refused entry at a titty bar, #FloridaMan has prided himself on doing the kinds of things ordinary Americans seldom dream of, much less accomplish, like chewing off a stranger’s face while stoned or performing a radical vasectomy on your annoying neighbor with a pair of red clay bricks. “This guy is an embarrassment to Florida men everywhere,” the old white racist told PMS reporter, Ernie Hemingway, who is frequently asked whether he is related to the real Ernest Hemingway.

For the record, Ernie insists that he is the real Ernest Hemingway. “Your guy’s dead,” he says. “Am I right?”

“It’s bad enough we have KuklaM*A*S*HTurdwaffle to atone for down at Mar A Lago without having our own governorpsychopathic serial killer wiping out a significant portion of our citizenry too stupid to wipe their own asses without a Roomba,” #FloridaMan spat. “What this state needs is more shots in arms & some decent desantisization.”