background

Holden Cawthorn's Glock Confiscated

Jul 31, 2021

Tries To Claim It’s His Emotional Support Animal

North Carolina Freshman  Representative Holden Cawthorn recently denied he tried to sneak a loaded Glock with 2 extended magazines onto a flight to Mar A Lago back in February. 

“This is old fake news from the liberal media political hit mob,” said an unpaid intern hanging around outside Cawthorn’s office, “Five months ago, while boarding a flight, Rep. Cawthorn accidentally stowed a loaded firearm in his carry-on (a tactical bullet-proof knapsack that doubles as his bug-out bag) instead of his checkered past bag. I don’t see where this is even an issue as BLM and the anarchists have taken over our streets.

“The firearm had the safety on with a full magazine & a round in the chamber,” the intern continued, “ o Holden would be ready & able to stand his ground in America’s friendly skies, if need be, figuratively speaking, of course, since hes not called “Helms On Wheels Junior” for nothing. North Carolina’s finest representative usually endeavors to always follow TSA guidelines, and quickly negotiated his way out of this potential entrapment by the deep state before boarding his flight. His action proves both his skill at negotiations in potentially fraught situations & a willingness to bust a cap in the ass of any antifa terorrist stupid enough to stand between him & his priority seating.” 

We attempted to contact someone in North Carolina close to the lawmaker, but we were unable to reach any reliable source who would speak only on condition of anonymity because he, she, them, or they were not authorized to speak on the record.

 

Back  | & |  Forth

USA OFFICE

Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic

Idiotville Tour Guides

P.O. Box 398

Banks, OR 97106-0398

CONTACT

drfaustroll@portlandpataphysical.com

ABOUT THE PPOCLL

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat was founded by Lawrence Nada in a single-wide mobile tarpaper shanty on Mt. Gilead Rd, Pittsboro, NC in 1976, using Alfred Jarry's original recipe.

Committed to imaginary excellence, PPOCLL staff & patients offer #UncommonSense & demand side alternatives to #TheReaganLegacy's #SupplySide #PlantationEconomy & #CommunityPoliceState  which has left the USA so noxious that whales continue to beach themselves on our shores in protest.