Writes the Wrongs
Missing Dinosaur Found Inside Shooting Victim
Car Wash Autopsy Find Shocks Scientist
Senior Car Wash Editor
Simonized Metadata Servicing
Catatonia, AZ (SMS) — While the reasons behind Tuesday’s deadly rampage at Dudley’s Doo Right CarMax on Freedom Highway here in Catatonia have yet to be determined, police have ruled out any of the guns found at the scene. Including 5 Rugers found on the body of the alleged gunman, 35-year Averell Whiteman, more than 20 sidearms & long guns were discovered scattered among the sprawling gut pile. Two grenades, a bazooka, several claymore mines & an RPG launcher were among the weapons haul during crime scene clean-up. Police estimate at least 7 of the 13 victims were armed.
“Guns don’t kill people,” said Catatonia Police Chief Carlton Hessian, “people kill people. If we got rid of all these crazy people, America's guns would be perfectly content to live in peace with the rest of us.”
“On the bright side of this tragedy,” Hessian continued, “I am pleased to announced that we have already solved 5 cases totally unrelated to yesterday’s unfortunate massacre, including two kidnappings, a case of domestic abuse, & one suicide. We also cleared several outstanding warrants involving the deceased. I’m telling you you won’t believe what we found in old Mr. Toliver, who runs the hardware store. Used to run, that is.”
John Toliver, a fourth generation Catatonian, was the only non-perforated victim, having reportedly keeled over seconds before the shooting began, the back of his skull shattering as it struck the pavement, triggering the fall detection function on his Apple Watch to dial 911. Sources tell me that had Toliver not died precisely he did, hundreds more might have been killed by the gunman or gunmen, before police arrived at Dudley's.
A court-ordered autopsy to determine Toliver’s cause of death yielded the complete skeleton of a stegasaurus reported missing from a museum in Spanish Catalonia in early November, 2020. Valued at more than $1.5 million, it is one of the most complete stegosaurus skeletons in existence, weighing nearly 2 tons.
“Simply amazing” is how renowned paleontologist & amateur flautist Dr. Amanda Lovely described the find. “We had almost given up recovering the stegosaurus. How it got inside Mr. Toliver is a question that demands additional research funding.”